FicWad

Saturday morning Monica and Jamia set out for New York City for an all day shopping spree. Kelly and Kara were spending the day with friends so Monica planned to pick up a few Christmas gifts for them while she had the chance. She had to watch her money carefully so she hoped they would stumble upon some sales. Jamia as usual was bubbly and Monica realized how happy she was to have her as a friend. Friends were something she was never allowed to have before. Kyle made sure she never socialized with anyone. That way there was on one to ask questions. Monica put all of that out of her mind and concentrated on the story Jamia was telling. It was about something she and Frank had done in high school. Frank with his wicked sense of humor had caused quite a bit of hell.
"I knew I loved Frank the first time I saw him. He was so cute trying to look all tough. I still have the picture we took together that day in a box under my bed. He had this strange orange color in his hair and I thought it was hot" She sighed, "I really miss him".
"Just 12 more days until he is back" Monica said. Jamia turned to her. "You are keeping track when they get back?" They were walking along a busy street trying not to get lost in the crowds.
Monica tried to cover the fact she was counting the days until Gerard returned, "Donna was just talking about that last night." They ducked into a store and began looking around. Jamia didn't look convinced by her answer but said nothing. Soon she was staring at a beautiful hand-made picture frame. The artist had crafted it with care and it was truly a work of art. Monica watched Jamia gaze at it and knew what to tell Frank.
They both found a few gifts and had just finished paying for their purchases when Monica's cell beeped. Seeing it was Gerard she frowned. He should be going on stage about now. "Hello" she answered. Jamia stood by her waiting.
"Monica" he sounded tired and immediately she was worried.
"Is something wrong?" she asked. She noticed Jamia was looking worriedly at her.
He sighed, "No everything is fine I just wanted to say hello before we hit the stage. I probably won't get a chance to talk to you tonight so I called now. Are you out shopping?"
She smiled "Yes I am. New York City is wonderful and a bit scary. I'm afraid I'll lose Jamia in the crowds and be lost forever."
Jamia was still looking her. Monica knew she was wondering who was on the phone. No one other than Brian knew that she and Gerard were keeping in touch. There were loud voices in the background and Gerard yelled something back. He spoke up "Shit I gotta go. Be careful, don't get lost little country girl"
"Oh very funny Pretty Blond Boy. Go do your little concert I have shopping to do" she answered then looked over and saw Jamia's surprised look.
"Take care honey" he said seriously in that Jersey rasp.
"You too" she replied then snapped the phone closed.
Jamia looked at her and giggled, "That was Gerard. You two have something going"
She continued happily, "Just wait until I talk to Frank. He never told me"
"There is nothing for him to tell you. Gerard and I are just friends. He was calling to see how I was doing that's all." Monica answered walking on.
Jamia bounced after her, "Nice story but I'm not buying it. I heard how your voice sounded when you were talking to him. Why not just admit you like him?" They had moved down the street and decided to stop into a small shop for coffee. Once they got their drinks and sat down, Jamia brought up the phone call again. "So are you telling me you don't like Gerard? I really hope not. He had such a time with that bitch he was dating. God, I hated her. She treated him like total shit and I think he put up with it for so long cause he really thought he deserved it. Gerard has a darkness inside him that takes over sometimes."
Monica sighed, "I'm not saying I don't like Gerard I'm just saying there is nothing going on between us. He and I are friends. Besides I am six years older than him and have two teen-age daughters. Not exactly rock star girlfriend material" She took a sip of her coffee and looked down. "He meets beautiful, young women everywhere he goes, I'm sure he will find someone better for him."
Jamia studied her a moment before answering "Monica you are a beautiful woman. Six years isn't that big of an age difference and so what if you have teen-age daughters, Gerard gets along with them great. I have known him a long time and he doesn't think of himself as a rock star."
Suddenly all the dark thoughts Monica had been keeping to herself surfaced "He needs someone his own age. Someone who can give him children of his own. Someone who can love him"
Jamia reached across the table and touched her arm. "You can't have more children?"
Monica brushed away a tear "Nope I had a miscarriage and ..." she trailed off. She couldn't talk about it. It was buried deep. Both women sat in silence for a few minutes.
"Why can't you love him?" Jamia knew she was prying but she really cared about Monica and knew something was terribly wrong. It was a simple question with a terrible answer. She waited for Monica to speak.
"I have nothing left to give anyone. My daughters are all I have and all I need." She couldn't say anymore without breaking down. Quickly she excused herself and went in search of the restroom. Jamia watched her friend walk off and wondered what had happened in her past to cause such pain.
They shopped for a few more hours before heading home. Monica's mood lightened a bit and she and Jamia did have fun. When she got back Donna showed her a closet where she could stash the few gifts she had picked up for the girls. Once Kelly and Kara were home she showered and headed to bed. She was tired from all the shopping.
It was 2:43 am when her phone beeped. She flipped it open, it was Gerard. Her greeting was rough from sleep.
"I'm sorry to wake you" were his first words.
Monica sat up in bed "It's ok. What time is it there?" She quickly got up and went up to the living room so she didn't wake the girls. Sitting in the dark she waited for him to speak.
"It's early morning. We were all supposed to sleep in but I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling. I think I've been up since about 3:30." His voice was tired. "I shouldn't have called, go back to sleep. I'll call again another time" He prepared to hang up.
"Gerard Arthur Way, don't you dare hang up on me" Her tone stopped him. "Now I want to know right now what is wrong. I watched a video of the concert you guys did yesterday on YouTube. You look and sound great. God, the crowd was so into it. Are you having trouble with the Press?"
"The concerts are great. Getting up on stage and playing for our fans is what I live for. The kids give us so much love, so much power. When they sing along it's fucking unbelievable. The press has been great too. I don't really know what's wrong. I'm just kind of down."
Monica could tell by his tone he wasn't being truthful "You won't tell me what's wrong but you know." She accused him softly. "I really wish you would trust me enough to tell me the truth"
Gerard grew angry. "Trust, yea I have tried that before. Didn't really work out. I trusted and got fucked over. Everything she told me was a lie and I trusted, I believed. When she said she loved me not the fucking singer on the stage I become, I believed that to be the truth. I was such a stupid fuck."
Monica was silent a moment then said "I asked you to trust me, Gerard. Not her."
He didn't answer and Monica began to wonder if he had hung up. Finally he spoke in a whisper "OK Monica I will tell you what is wrong. I am doing something I swore to myself I would never to again. I am trusting. I am trusting you. I am missing you." He paused then added "I am falling in love with you"
Monica tried no to cry. God how could this be happening? She knew he was waiting for her to speak. She didn't want to hurt this man. Taking a deep breath she spoke softly "Gerard, please don't fall in love with me. I am so wrong for you. I can't love you. I can never love again." Tears fell and sitting in the darkness she had never felt so alone. She was sure he would be angry with her and she wouldn't blame him. She never should have let herself get close to him.
He sounded defeated "I can't stop how I feel. I think about you every minute of the day. I miss your voice. I miss seeing you sitting at Mom's kitchen table. I have given you my trust Monica. Why can't you trust me? Why can't you tell me what happened to you?"
Monica tried to stop crying. "Gerard, I can't talk about this over the phone. When you get back we will talk, that I promise."
The darkness was strangely comforting to her. The words of his song ran thru her head. She wanted to just close her eyes and sleep but the hardest part was letting go of her dreams.
"OK Monica. Thank you." He hung up. Monica lowered her head and sobbed. Gerard was her dreams.