Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Looking for a Song to Sing

chapter four: and I wish that I could just let this go...

by getup_n_go 1 review

digging the hole deeper

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: R - Genres: Drama, Romance - Warnings: [!] - Published: 2007-01-10 - Updated: 2007-01-11 - 1781 words

Dear Ryan Ross,

I know we had a falling out, but please, my offer has been ratified:

What do you think about the fans that have tracked down your past girlfriends have begun idolizing them and giving each their own cult following via the internet?

Ryan: It's Disgusting. Why would people idolize someone who doesn't do anything and saying you're a model/photographer with a digital camera and photoshop does not count as an artist.

Please, marry me? Love, Callan

Chapter Four: and I wish that I could just let this go...

But I'm thinking, that I don't know what I'm feeling


Addison discovered that basically her job while on the road was to keep an eye on them, make sure they had all of their instruments and costumes for every show and take care of any problems that arose, within reason. Most of the problems involved insane fans, she realized. That was definitely the biggest drawback she had found so far.

As the tour continued to progress, her feelings for Brendon constantly dwindled. He was pretty much everything that made her crazy about guys, from his loud mouth to his random freak outs, he was too much for her to handle. She felt bad for feeling this way about him, he always doted on her and never gave her any reasons to complain, but she found herself attracted to Jon, but sort of felt almost like he might've been too good for her. She had no interest in Ryan or Spencer, not physically or mentally so she decided to just let her hopes of finding a little romance go and to concentrate on what she really needed to do.

This idea worked for at least a little while, of course, but the more time she spent alone with the guys, the harder it got for her to deny that she wanted to feel something, for someone.

Addison sat lazily on the back of the bus, desperately wanting to poor her heart out on her computer screen, but the words in her mind were just jumbled and stuck. As of late, she had no real inspirations, no one to call her muse and it pushed her into this awful writer's block moment. After she sat staring blindly at the screen in front of her for probably a half hour, she looked up to see Brendon approaching her. She sighed, frustrated merely by his presence.

"Hey, Addy," he said, sitting next to her and placing a gentle kiss on her cheek. She smiled at him and watched as he settled down next to her, opening his laptop to check his email.

"Hey," she said, barely looking at him. After a few seconds of an awkward silence, Brendon finally sat his laptop down and stared at Addison. She shifted under his gaze, trying hard to ignore him, but instead opted to gaze back at him.

"What?" she asked him slowly. He smiled and shrugged his shoulders, leaning in to kiss her on the lips. Addison sighed, unwillingly letting Brendon surround her. She didn't want this to happen, it wasn't fair to him. She continued to fight with her mind as Brendon's chilly fingers began sliding up the front of her shirt. She sucked in her breath and stayed still while Brendon groaned slightly, she could tell he was turning himself on, at the very least. Just has his fingers began to graze around the hem of her shirt, the door to the back room flew open, causing Brendon to sit up quickly and make Addison blush as Jon's face came into her vision. She couldn't believe her luck.

"Sorry guys, I was" Jon began, his face started to glow red and he looked like he was searching for an excuse to continue to enter.

"Just...forget it, okay Jon?" Brendon stated simple, frustratingly glaring at him, then Addison. She shrugged, feeling totally relieved at Jon's "bad" timing. Brendon continued to peer at Addison, wanting her tot ell Jon to get lost. When she didn't, he felt his temper begin to rise. Was she not his girlfriend? Jon continued and walked on, sitting down on the other side of Addison, also picking up his laptop.

"Addison?" Brendon said to her in a harsh whisper. She shrugged again, waiting him to go away.

"Ugh, what the fuck," Brendon mumbled as he stood up and began to storm out the back room. Jon shook his head and let out a laugh.

"Sometime I think that kid needs a Midol," Jon said, not moving his eyes away from the screen. Addison grinned stupidly, but caught herself before he had a chance to se her face.

"So..." Jon began while intently typing away on his blog, "how's it going? You and Brendon, huh?" he began, a hint of mocking in his voice. Addison huffed.

"Brendon and I are going no where. We are stopping ASAP," she replied. Jon shook his head.

"Good luck, that kid sticks like superglue," he replied. Addison whipped her head around and stared at Jon.

"Come again?" she said. He looked at her for the first time in days and nodded.
"He has a bad habit of becoming too attached, too fast. Especially if you slept with him. I love the kid, but he's a little to weird sometimes," he added. Addison felt herself get red; this is what she gets for being a little needy.

"Fuck," Addison exclaimed softly.

"I don't normally do this, Jon. I swear. I hate guys like Brendon. So needy and shit. Plus, like you said, he is a little weird. Plus, he's worse than a girl sometimes. I hate girls, I prefer guys," Addison stated.

"Good thing I consider myself a male then," Jon said, returning his attention back to his typing. Addison grinned at him once more. Was this his subtle way of admitting he's attracted to her? Addison shook her head. Yeah, right. After what felt like hours of her just sitting there next to Jon, listening to him breath and thinking about him touching her and similar fantasies, a knock on the door disturbed her.

"Addison?" she heard the voice ask. She recognized it as Bob's and suddenly felt worried. She leaned over and pulled on the blinds, looking out the back window and noticing they were at another rest stop.

"Shit," she mumbled, standing quickly, feeling flustered from her thoughts. She opened the door to see Bob looking at her behind troubled eyes and Brendon standing behind him, a little away, his arms crossed over his chest.

"That vindictive mother fucker," she thought.

"Take a walk with me?" Bob said his tone full of authority. Jon come around behind her and hastily noticed the sudden tension in Addison's body, as well as the smug grin on Brendon's face. Bob walked on, past the bunks, into the front section and off the bus. Addison sighed and followed behind him. As she passed Jon, she rolled her eyes and as she walked passed Brendon, she shoved him hard in the chest, feeling a little better when she saw him loose his balance and fall back onto the bunk below him.

"Bitch," Brendon grumbled as Jon let out a snigger. He liked this girl more each day...

Feeling pissed as hell that this was the second strike against her in only a month of touring; Addison angrily did her jobs for the evening, a disposition that was not helping her suddenly shaky internship status. The whole evening she was getting nasty with the fans, the boys and their crew. The concert itself seemed to last an extremely long amount of time, and he jobs seemed more irritating than usual. As the boys ended their second set, retreating to their dressing room to shower and get ready to move on to the next city, Addison angrily left them to their own vices and walked onto the bus to shower herself, thinking maybe the hot water would do her good.

Addison sighed, wiping the fog from the mirror in the tiny bathroom. How the hell did she get here? Wasn't this experience supposed to be life changing and the best time of her life? Why was she letting some egotistical, god's gift boys ruin this for her? She decided that she was done for good. No more fighting and no more fucking.

She wrapped her towel around her body tightly and combed through her wet hair, letting the cool water drip over her shoulders and down her back. She opened the door and stared down at her feet, padding her way to her bunk for clothing. She reached down and got her underwear, pulling them on beneath her towel. She reached up and rung out her hair, hearing the droplets hit the carpet below her feet. She pulled off her towel and grabbed her pajama pants and once she got one leg in, she heard the door open and gasped, quickly pulling the other leg through and covering her bare breasts, turning around to face the rude asshole who decided knocking was beneath him.

"Whoa, timing today is impeccable," Jon said with a smile. Addison was annoyed that she actually liked Jon and smiled at him, allowing him to be the reason her new rules would be thrown out the window.

"Next time, just knock, okay?" she said, still covering her breasts with her arms and reaching to grab her tank top, pulling it over her head quickly. She grabbed her towel once more and vigorously dried her hair. Jon sat in his bunk which was adjacent to hers, sliding his feet out of his flip flops and collapsing on his bunk.

"So, one more strike and you're out, huh?" Jon said, desperately searching for a conversation. Addison cringed. This touring life was like a tiny community where everyone knew everyone else's business and it was maddening to the private minded Addison.

"Yeah, I guess I wasn't expecting Brendon to fucking tell on me. Like, what a baby. Urg! He has me so fucking mad, Jon! Why didn't anyone warn me?" Addison asked, sitting on the edge of Jon's bunk.

"Hey, if I would've known before it happened that it was happening, I definitely would've warned you," Jon said. Addison smiled at him once more.

"Thank god at least one of you is normal," she said with a slight laugh, feeling extremely at ease with him.

"That's because I know the dark side of this business. I've seen it swallow too many people whole. I refuse to get caught up in the hype. This life is entirely too temporary."


"We just need space for breathing"
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