Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > Here Is Your Verse

Alone This Holiday

by killxsmile 5 reviews

horrible memories are more reason to hate the season.

Category: Fall Out Boy - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Drama, Romance - Published: 2007-01-20 - Updated: 2007-01-21 - 1975 words - Complete

Author's Note: Finals start on Monday, so I thought posting an update was in order. Thanks to a girl nicknamed Peter, moocow, and duckapple for the reviews. They made me smile.

Chapter Two: Alone This Holiday

Maybe light a candle. Don't say a prayer for me. Feel alone cause I'm gone. I left you. Make Christmas your own.
-The Used

Emi's POV

"I'm still not sure about this, Liv," I said, laying on my bed. She, on the other hand, was rummaging through my clothes, insisting that I wear something other than the jeans and a t-shirt I already had on. Last time I checked, evening gowns and 3-inch heels weren't required to go to the movies. Still, she continued her rampage through my already messy closet.
"Do you want to impress him or not?" she asked.
"Do you really want me to answer that?"
"You're being impossible."
"You're being insane. It's only noon. We're not going anywhere until 7:00."
"I know, but I'm just trying to help you out. You haven't been on a date since Paul-"
I cringed at the name. "Sorry," she said, looking down.

Paul. I guess you could say he was my "first love." He was the sweetest guy and coincidentally, Jasper's older brother. We dated for two years, and during those 24 months I was happier than I'd been in a long time. "Why'd we break up?" you ask. Well, that's the thing: we never broke up. Someone broke him. Last year on Christmas Eve, a drunk driver broke Paul's neck, crushed his legs and sent him into a coma. Instead of spending Christmas at home with my family, I was at the hospital watching my boyfriend die.

"It's fine. Don't worry about it," I said, trying my hardest to blink back tears. Breathe. Just breathe...

She set down the clothes she was holding and sat down next to me.
"I'm really sorry, Em. I-"
"Just...Don't. Please. I'm fine, really," I said, trying to convince not only her, but also myself. As hard as I fought it, my eyes wouldn't listen to my brain. A tear slipped down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away. Liv wrapped me in a hug.
"I'll show myself out," she said. I nodded.

Once I heard the front door close, I gave up on my façade. Tears flooded my eyes as memories flooded my brain. Almost a year and his name still has an effect on me...

I don't know why I hadn't gotten over him.

He had his share of flaws, but so did everyone else. If we had hit a rough patch or started drifting apart last December, maybe things would have been different. Maybe it would have been easier to let go. It was the fact that he died when we were "in our prime" that made it that much harder. Everything was perfectly imperfect with him and all I wanted to do was turn back time to get that back.

I can't even begin to count how many times I wish I could rewind. Convince him to stay home instead of visiting me. Though his parents insisted that it wasn't my fault, I couldn't help but shoulder some of the blame. Guilt ate away at me whenever I though back to that night.

It could have been minutes or hours later that my phone started ringing. I wiped my eyes, even though whoever was on the other line wouldn't see me.

"Hello," I said, surprised at how even my voice sounded.
"Hey, Liv just told me what happened...I'm really sorry."
"I'm fine. Tell her I'm okay."
"Listen. About tonight, you don't have to worry about it. I'll call it off."
"No, don't." I surprised Jasper, as well as myself, with what I saw saying. "Liv was right. It's about time that I got over Paul."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. 7:00, right?" I asked, wiping my eyes once again.
"I'll see you then."
"Bye, Em."

Of the five steps of grief, I'd already gone through denial, anger, bargaining and depression. Four out of five was something, but grieving is an all or nothing process- you've either done it or you haven't. There isn't an 'in between.'

I pulled on a hoody and a coat, then grabbed my keys. "Where are you going?" my mom asked as I passed her in the kitchen.
"The cemetery," I said. She gave me a concerned glance, but didn't stop me from walking out the door.
"Wait," she said. "Take these." She took some roses from a vase on the table and handed them to me.
"Thank you." She nodded and I made my way out.

Visiting his grave. This was going to make or break me. "All or nothing," I reminded myself, putting the keys into the ignition. "All or nothing." I backed out of the driveway and headed on my way toward acceptance.

As I approached his grave, I resisted my urge to run back to my car. I needed to do this. I knelt down and cleared the snow off his gravestone, laying the flowers at its base.

For a few minutes I just sat there, trying to form words. Every time my mouth opened, nothing would come out. It seemed like my entire English vocabulary vanished. It had been almost a year and I still didn't have anything to say.

The hospital. Fluorescent lights. Ventilators. Wires.

I could remember it so vividly. Paul laid there in front of me. Pale. Bandaged. Unconscious. I squeezed his hand, pleading for him to open his eyes. For hours I sat next to his bed, singing his favorite songs.

No response.

Something Corporate.
No response.

Plain White T's.
No response.

Starting Line.
No response.

I began to lose hope. Then I remembered that I still had The Used. It was at one of their concerts, right in the middle of the mosh pit, that our relationship began.

"EMI!" he yelled, over the screams of the crowd.
"I-" A crowd surfer cut him off. He passed the girl forward, then continued. "I..." Bert screaming. "YOU!" was all I heard.
"I LIKE-" It was here that I got elbowed in the face.
"OH, SCREW IT," he said. Amidst the chaos around us, he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me.

I smiled at the memory. That night I went home with a black eye and a boyfriend.

"Seemed to stop my breath
My head on your chest waiting to cave in
From the bottom of my...
Hear your voice again
Could we dim the sun and wonder where we've been?
Maybe you and me

So kiss me like you did
My heart stopped beating
Such a softer sin
I'm melting, I'm melting

In your eyes I lost my place
Could stay a while and I'm melting
In your eyes like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me lay with me now..."

He laid there, unmoving. I folded my arms on the side of his bed and put my head down. Tears welled in my eyes, but I refused to let them spill over. This can't be happening...

All of a sudden, I felt someone run their fingers through my hair. I lifted my head. He was awake.

"Hey," he whispered. Just getting that one word out seemed to take a lot of effort.
"Listen, I'm sorry about leaving like this."
"Please don't talk like that..." He gave me a sad smile, and cupped my cheek, wiping a stray tear.
"There are so many things that I wish I could say...that I could do...We never got around to taking that road trip to Iowa, did we?"
"No, but that's okay..."
"I love you, Emi."
"I love you too."
I leaned down and kissed him. Pulling away, I felt another tear rolling down my cheek.
"I love you," he said.

Almost immediately, he started flat lining. Doctors rushed in, but I knew it was too late. Nurses pushed me out of the room, saying that they needed their space. Through the window in the door, I watched them try to revive Paul.

"Time of death: December 25th, 8:04PM," the doctor said. I turned around and leaned against the wall. As everyone filed out of the room, I sank to the ground.

"Paul, I'm sorry..." I eventually said. "I'm sorry it took me so long to visit you. It's just that-that coming here would make me remember everything."

I closed my eyes and tried to pull myself together. I took a deep breath and tried to organize my thoughts.

"Paul Andrews, beloved son," I said, tracing the words with my finger. "Your epitaph sells you short... You were so much more than a 'beloved son.' You were a great brother, an awesome basketball player and the sweetest boyfriend I could ask for...I mean, you're the only guy who didn't get angry when I kicked your ass at Metroid." I laughed, half-heartedly, trying to bring some humor into the situation. He hated it when I cried. Still, stray tears fell from the corners of my eyes.

"I miss you so damn much. There aren't any time machines or rewind buttons to get us back where we used to be..."

Fresh snow began to fall. It was somewhat comforting, like Paul was telling me that everything would be okay.

"You may be gone, but know that I'll always have a spot in my heart with your name on it, okay?" I knelt there for a few more minutes, watching the snow cover his name once again.

I slowly got up. After taking one last look at the grave, I turned around and headed toward my car. Was this acceptance? I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, but part of me still felt empty.

On the way home I decided to stop by at Starbucks. Coffee and a pastry may not fill the hole in my heart, but it would help fill my stomach.
"Hey Jess," I said.

Brother = Starbucks employee = free coffee.

"Hey sis. What can I do for you today?"
"I'll have the usual."
"One grande caramel frappuccino and an apple pastry coming right up."
"Thanks," I said with a sad smile. I took off my coat and placed it on the back of my regular spot.
"So," he said, pouring various liquids into the blender. "What brings you around this part of the neighborhood? I can't remember the last time you stopped by."
"I had to tie up some loose ends..."
"Oh," he said, catching my drift. It wasn't a secret that the cemetery was a few blocks away.

Leaning against the counter, I waited for my order. All of a sudden I felt something burning my back. "HOTHOTHOT!" I yelled. Turning around, I saw a guy, yapping away on his cell phone.
"What the hell?!"
"Oh, sorry," he said, then continued talking on the phone.
"Sorry? That's all you have to say to me?"
"I'm kind of in the middle of an important call." Still talking on his cell, he went up to the counter and ordered another latte.

After he left, I slapped my brother's arm.
"Some arrogant jerk spills hot coffee on your sister and you don't do anything?!"
"Ugh," I said, wiping the coffee off my back. "Does it look bad?" I asked, turning around and lifting up the back of my t-shirt.
"It's really red, but it should be okay once you get home. Oh, here's your order."
"Thanks," I curtly replied. I took the bag and my drink then put my coat back on. I suddenly didn't want to be in my brother's presence.
"He looks familiar. Do you know who he was?"
"I don't know and I don't care."

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