Categories > Celebrities > Good Charlotte > The Holiday Season... But Not Everyone's in the Holiday Spirit
When I got back to his bed side I sat on my chair taking his hand again. I lifted his hand to me and kissed the back of his hand the tears starting to fall again.
"Please get better soon babe I really don't know what I'd do without you." I said. The doctors said there was a chance that he could hear what was going on. "Hey, you've got to get better so you can marry me." I tried to laugh but it just came out as a choked up sob "Please don't leave me... you said you'd never leave me... I love you, wake up soon." I whispered leaning over kissing him on the lips.
I went into a daze just watching him and thinking how life would be without him. The next thing I heard someone clear their throat. I turned to see who it was and saw Benji standing in the door way.
"You should get some sleep or at least something to eat." Benji said quietly. I looked at my watch 2pm, ten hours left. "Your right here, you won't miss anything by getting a few hours sleep or something to eat. You need to look after yourself too." He said before I could say anything.
He was right I did need sleep but I couldn't sleep with all this on my mind maybe something to eat would be a good idea for now. I still didn't get why he was pretending to care, we hated each other. I nodded and followed him out, we went to the cafeteria but being away from Liam's bed side was making me nervous I wanted to get back to him as soon as possible so the queues weren't helping my nerves. Benji could tell this and tried to clam me down.
"Don't worry we won't be that long half an hour tops." He reasoned. I sighed taking a deep breath trying to clam myself down. I just kept looking at the clocks counting down the time left that was slowly fading away. I was getting fidgety and my leg was starting to twitch, a sure sign that I was nervous or worried. It always did when I was nervous or worried subconsciously. I really don't know how Benji managed to eat with me the way I was without hitting me because I was beginning to annoy myself.
I got back to Liam's bedside by 3pm. Benji had gone home for an hour but said he was defiantly coming back. I really had no idea why he was doing this. I didn't want or need him here with me. He was just wasting his time you'd think if someone was going to stay with me it would be my mom, Sarah or Joel, you know the ones who are actually close to me. Apparently though Benji had told them that he wanted to stay with me and for them to go and he'd call if he or should I say I needed them. What's all that about? I have no idea but I really don't care about Benji or anyone else for that matter right now apart from Liam.
I must have gone into one of my dazes again while sitting with Liam as the next thing I know I'm being interrupted by Benji clearing his throat again. I noticed it was starting to get dark, I looked at my watch 6pm six hours left... SIX FUCKING HOURS if I wasn't nervous worried and scared before I am now.
"You need sleep, no buts about it your not going to miss anything by having a few hours sleep right here." He said being more forcefully than before but still caring and understanding. Wow that's a first Benji caring and understanding towards me ha. Come to think of it I was really tired and he did have a point I wouldn't miss anything by closing my eyes for a little while right here. I nodded and followed him just outside to the waiting room where they had better chairs to sleep on than the horrible plastic ones by Liam's bed. I sighed waiting to fall to sleep not long after I managed to drift into an uncomfortable sleep.
I woke up and looked at my watch 9:30pm two and a half hours left I couldn't bare thinking of it any more, I looked over to Benji and he was still sleep. I decided to go check in on Liam I knew there was no change because if there had have been one of the doctors would have woke me up. I stood in the door way looking on at him all I wanted to do was help him wake up but there was nothing I or anyone else could do apart from wait and see if he was strong enough to wake up.
After seeing nothing had changed, he hadn't got better but he hadn't got worse, I went back to the waiting room, 10pm. Benji was awake when I got back I didn't acknowledge him I just went and sat next to the window looking out of it. I noticed him looking at me out of the corner of my eye but I just kept looking out of the window.
"Talk to me." he said quietly with a sigh.
"I've got nothing to say to you." I said simply.
"Sophie we need to talk." He said getting up and sitting next to me.
"No I don't need to do anything."
"Ok just for tonight for one night only can we be completely truthful and honest with each other. Get everything out in the open, after that tomorrow morning if you want to pretend like we never had this conversation forget everything we say go back to the way we where then fine but please just for one night get everything out. Don't we owe it to each other; owe it to yourself owe it to... Liam, wouldn't he want you to be happy to resolve all this hurt and pain."
"Don't you dare drag Liam into all of this." I snapped angrily
"Ok no Liam, but do it for your self." He quickly took back.
"Fine what ever." I sighed. He nodded but was silent for a while. "So talk."
"I just think we need to get a few things clear I have so much explaining to do..."
"So explain." I snapped not really helping him.
"Well back then I was really fucked up, I didn't know what was going on around me. I thought I was alone, I know now that I wasn't that there was people trying to help me but back then I thought they where just trying to twist the knife further in, that's why I pushed people away. I hate my self for the way I treated you I know there is no excuse for how I acted towards you but I was really fucked up. I never wanted you to see me like that; you shouldn't have had to put up with me the way I was."
"We both know there was more to it than that that was just the final straw. You'd had problems with me for years before that."
"I know and you've got to understand it's hard for me getting this all out to you know. The truth is I loved you ... I still do." He said the last bit in barely a whisper but I heard every word of it. I was shocked, confused but then angry if he so called loved me why treat me like shit call me every name under the sun then finally push me away blaming all his shit on me.
"Funny way of showing it." I mumbled.
"I know it's fucked up, I was fucked up beyond belief. I'm a selfish bastard. You know what I'm like if I actually truly like someone I can't just go up to them and tell them. I'm a complete ass towards them and end up making them hate me, which in some strange way in my head I think I'm better off because it saves me from the heartbreak of getting them then loosing them if I never really had them. I did that to you because I didn't think I was good enough for you, I thought that even if you did feel the same way about me which you didn't, I wouldn't be able to look after you and treat you how you deserved. It would just kill me having you so close but so far, so I just had to make you hate me." he said truthfully I could see the tears in his eyes. I sat in silence not sure what to say to that. I still hate him because even if he didn't want my help I needed his and he wasn't there for me.
"You don't have to say anything to that I know you went through a lot of shit alone because of me..."
"You have no idea."
"Well tell me." he pleaded.
"You want to know? You really want to know what I've been through, what I had to got through alone because you where too selfish to swallow your pride."
"Yeah I do." He said honestly.
"Fine...you remember Jake don't you?" I said in my usual clod pissy tone. He nodded.
"Another reason why I didn't ask you out, you where better off with him anyway." Jake was the captain of the football team the typical high school jock. The guy all the girls wanted and guess what? I had him.
"That's where you're wrong, at first he was great a little over protective but it was sweet. As time went on he got more and more jealous and possessive to the point where he wouldn't let me go anywhere alone. I ended up loosing contact with most of my friends, hardly going out unless he was with me. If he wasn't by my side he'd call me checking up on me every hour. When I questioned him on it he said he only cared about me and didn't want to loose me and turned it as if I was the bad guy in it all making me feel guilty. Then it got violent..." I explained.
I took a deep breath before continuing this is where it starts to get hard for me to explain. I've never told anyone all this; sure my mom knows the truth to some extent and Liam knows near enough all of it but other than that I've kept it bottled up for all these years.
"You don't want to hear all this." I said wiping tears that where starting to fall.
"Yeah I do." He said quietly placing his hand on my arm to try and comfort me this time I didn't push him away.
"Well it wasn't really much apparently I deserved it, he was only punishing me for hurting him."
"He hit you?" he said unable to believe it, I nodded wiping the tears.
"Just the odd time like if I went somewhere without letting him know or contacting him 'to let him know I was ok' or if he seen me talking to another guy he'd say they where coming on to me and that I was making a fool out of him by so called flirting back." I said still to this day defending him I couldn't help it it's like a physiological thing. It's what happens to all metal abuse sufferers get the doctors and councillors told me.
"Sophie he shouldn't..."
"I know but back then I had no one else to turn to did I." I said not really aiming it at him but I seen the flash of guilt in his eyes.
"So he played mind games with you and beat you." he said trying to get his head around it getting angry I don't know if it was at Jake or at him self for not being there.
"He didn't beat me up only the odd slap about 'when I deserved it'."
"You never deserved it he had no right to lay a hand on you. That's all he did though right?" he asked unsure if he wanted to know the answer.
I shook my head 'no' now was when it got hard to get out, I've never told anyone the exact details of what else happened but I know Benji had to know.
"You remember the night of prom..." he nodded running his hand through his hair then putting his hand back on my arm gently rubbing it up and down. "By this time I had started getting fed up with the mind games and the slapping around so I started standing up to him more and more. It didn't really help just earned me and extra beating." I said starting to recall the worse night of my life's events. Benji started getting upset.
"On the night of prom I decided it was now or never I had to end it with him no matter what, I just couldn't go on with the way he was with me. I started getting scared and nervous about how he would react, what he would do to me, I knew it wouldn't go down well with him. I really needed someone to talk to someone I felt I could trust some one I knew would be there for me no matter what. That person being you." I confessed, he instantly removed his hand from me putting his head in his hands on his lap rubbing his eyes sighing deeply, disappointed in his self.
"I was already waiting for him to come and pick me up for prom, I decided to go to prom with him but end it straight after. I stared getting more and more nervous, I needed to talk to someone badly; so I thought I'd give you one last call even if you didn't want to help or listen just so that I could hear you voice. I called and like usual I didn't get any answer it went straight to the answering machine message. Jake came in and took the phone off me. When he heard it was you I was calling he instantly thought that we where seeing each other behind his back. He was so angry I knew what was coming, he told me that I'd 'made a fool out of him' and that I'd 'pay for it later, I had to look good for prom photos' I'd never seen him like that, he was so mad. So he dragged me off to prom never letting go of my arm the whole night, I had bruises for weeks after because of how tight he gripped onto me. It was hell I couldn't even go to the bathroom without him waiting outside the door sending someone in to 'check on me' if I took too long. I tried looking round for you hoping, wishing I'd find you to help me but no, you weren't there." I said stopping taking a breath for a second the next bit was going to be hardest to talk about. The tears where now flowing freely. I felt him move closer to me and put a hand on my back and held my hand with the other one.
"When prom was over I intended on trying to get away from him but I couldn't he permanently had hold of my arm. He got a taxi and took us to the hotel where he'd booked a room for us." I heard a sob from Benji and noticed the silent tears flowing down his face. I could tell he had guessed at what he happened when Jake got me back to the hotel room but I had to finish the story off anyway.
"We got to the room and he locked the door he started shouting at me, threw me around a little. He hit me a few time's I'm not sure how many all I remember is hitting my head hard and everything went blurry. I couldn't defend myself, I was helpless. He pinned me on the bed and he...he..." I couldn't get it out the tears where uncontrollable. He pulled me closer to him giving my hand a squeeze. "He raped me, he fucking raped me." I whispered not able to say it out loud.
Once I'd got it out that's it the flood gates opened. He pulled me into a tight hug as I sobbed; he was crying too but was trying desperately to stay strong for me. After a minute of uncontrollable sobbing I took a deep breath, sat up and wiped my eyes. We looked into each others eyes then before I knew it, with out thinking he was kissing me and I admit for a second I kissed him back. When I realised what I was doing I never moved so fast away from him. I couldn't believe it my fiancé, the guy I've been with for six years, the guy that's seen me through so much shit in my life, the guy I clime to love was in a hospital bed unsure whether he was going to live or die and I'm kissing another guy. Not just any other guy though, the guy I've hated for so long, the guy I can't stand to be around, the guy that's caused me so much pain and heart ache but in some strange way also the guy that truly, deep down the guy I've always loved from being little.
"Sophie I'm sorry I..." he stuttered not quiet knowing what do say or do.
"That never happened." I said in my state of shock. I don't know what I was more shocked at his confession of his love for me, our kiss or the fact that I actually felt something for him something I've never felt for anyone not even Liam and it scared the shit out of me. He started moving closer to me.
"Ok Soph just... just let's talk about it for a second." He said.
"No, no nothing happened forget everything." I said pushing him away.
"Ok, ok nothing happened." He said backing away and sitting down across the room from me.
I looked at my watch, shaking, 11:15pm. 45 minutes left to see if my fiancé was going to live or not and I was here kissing the guy I've hated for years. I was a horrible person I didn't deserve Liam at all. Thinking of Liam and what I'd just done got me all emotional. The tears started flowing, I had to go and sit with him. He had to wake up, he just had to. I got up and walked out of the waiting room heading to Liam's bedside.
"Where are you going?" Benji asked his voice also shaking as if he was about to cry.
"Where I belong, on my fiancé's beside." I said trying to wipe some of the tears away. I went and sat in my usual seat next to Liam taking hold of his hand again, still no change.
"Please get better soon babe I really don't know what I'd do without you." I said. The doctors said there was a chance that he could hear what was going on. "Hey, you've got to get better so you can marry me." I tried to laugh but it just came out as a choked up sob "Please don't leave me... you said you'd never leave me... I love you, wake up soon." I whispered leaning over kissing him on the lips.
I went into a daze just watching him and thinking how life would be without him. The next thing I heard someone clear their throat. I turned to see who it was and saw Benji standing in the door way.
"You should get some sleep or at least something to eat." Benji said quietly. I looked at my watch 2pm, ten hours left. "Your right here, you won't miss anything by getting a few hours sleep or something to eat. You need to look after yourself too." He said before I could say anything.
He was right I did need sleep but I couldn't sleep with all this on my mind maybe something to eat would be a good idea for now. I still didn't get why he was pretending to care, we hated each other. I nodded and followed him out, we went to the cafeteria but being away from Liam's bed side was making me nervous I wanted to get back to him as soon as possible so the queues weren't helping my nerves. Benji could tell this and tried to clam me down.
"Don't worry we won't be that long half an hour tops." He reasoned. I sighed taking a deep breath trying to clam myself down. I just kept looking at the clocks counting down the time left that was slowly fading away. I was getting fidgety and my leg was starting to twitch, a sure sign that I was nervous or worried. It always did when I was nervous or worried subconsciously. I really don't know how Benji managed to eat with me the way I was without hitting me because I was beginning to annoy myself.
I got back to Liam's bedside by 3pm. Benji had gone home for an hour but said he was defiantly coming back. I really had no idea why he was doing this. I didn't want or need him here with me. He was just wasting his time you'd think if someone was going to stay with me it would be my mom, Sarah or Joel, you know the ones who are actually close to me. Apparently though Benji had told them that he wanted to stay with me and for them to go and he'd call if he or should I say I needed them. What's all that about? I have no idea but I really don't care about Benji or anyone else for that matter right now apart from Liam.
I must have gone into one of my dazes again while sitting with Liam as the next thing I know I'm being interrupted by Benji clearing his throat again. I noticed it was starting to get dark, I looked at my watch 6pm six hours left... SIX FUCKING HOURS if I wasn't nervous worried and scared before I am now.
"You need sleep, no buts about it your not going to miss anything by having a few hours sleep right here." He said being more forcefully than before but still caring and understanding. Wow that's a first Benji caring and understanding towards me ha. Come to think of it I was really tired and he did have a point I wouldn't miss anything by closing my eyes for a little while right here. I nodded and followed him just outside to the waiting room where they had better chairs to sleep on than the horrible plastic ones by Liam's bed. I sighed waiting to fall to sleep not long after I managed to drift into an uncomfortable sleep.
I woke up and looked at my watch 9:30pm two and a half hours left I couldn't bare thinking of it any more, I looked over to Benji and he was still sleep. I decided to go check in on Liam I knew there was no change because if there had have been one of the doctors would have woke me up. I stood in the door way looking on at him all I wanted to do was help him wake up but there was nothing I or anyone else could do apart from wait and see if he was strong enough to wake up.
After seeing nothing had changed, he hadn't got better but he hadn't got worse, I went back to the waiting room, 10pm. Benji was awake when I got back I didn't acknowledge him I just went and sat next to the window looking out of it. I noticed him looking at me out of the corner of my eye but I just kept looking out of the window.
"Talk to me." he said quietly with a sigh.
"I've got nothing to say to you." I said simply.
"Sophie we need to talk." He said getting up and sitting next to me.
"No I don't need to do anything."
"Ok just for tonight for one night only can we be completely truthful and honest with each other. Get everything out in the open, after that tomorrow morning if you want to pretend like we never had this conversation forget everything we say go back to the way we where then fine but please just for one night get everything out. Don't we owe it to each other; owe it to yourself owe it to... Liam, wouldn't he want you to be happy to resolve all this hurt and pain."
"Don't you dare drag Liam into all of this." I snapped angrily
"Ok no Liam, but do it for your self." He quickly took back.
"Fine what ever." I sighed. He nodded but was silent for a while. "So talk."
"I just think we need to get a few things clear I have so much explaining to do..."
"So explain." I snapped not really helping him.
"Well back then I was really fucked up, I didn't know what was going on around me. I thought I was alone, I know now that I wasn't that there was people trying to help me but back then I thought they where just trying to twist the knife further in, that's why I pushed people away. I hate my self for the way I treated you I know there is no excuse for how I acted towards you but I was really fucked up. I never wanted you to see me like that; you shouldn't have had to put up with me the way I was."
"We both know there was more to it than that that was just the final straw. You'd had problems with me for years before that."
"I know and you've got to understand it's hard for me getting this all out to you know. The truth is I loved you ... I still do." He said the last bit in barely a whisper but I heard every word of it. I was shocked, confused but then angry if he so called loved me why treat me like shit call me every name under the sun then finally push me away blaming all his shit on me.
"Funny way of showing it." I mumbled.
"I know it's fucked up, I was fucked up beyond belief. I'm a selfish bastard. You know what I'm like if I actually truly like someone I can't just go up to them and tell them. I'm a complete ass towards them and end up making them hate me, which in some strange way in my head I think I'm better off because it saves me from the heartbreak of getting them then loosing them if I never really had them. I did that to you because I didn't think I was good enough for you, I thought that even if you did feel the same way about me which you didn't, I wouldn't be able to look after you and treat you how you deserved. It would just kill me having you so close but so far, so I just had to make you hate me." he said truthfully I could see the tears in his eyes. I sat in silence not sure what to say to that. I still hate him because even if he didn't want my help I needed his and he wasn't there for me.
"You don't have to say anything to that I know you went through a lot of shit alone because of me..."
"You have no idea."
"Well tell me." he pleaded.
"You want to know? You really want to know what I've been through, what I had to got through alone because you where too selfish to swallow your pride."
"Yeah I do." He said honestly.
"Fine...you remember Jake don't you?" I said in my usual clod pissy tone. He nodded.
"Another reason why I didn't ask you out, you where better off with him anyway." Jake was the captain of the football team the typical high school jock. The guy all the girls wanted and guess what? I had him.
"That's where you're wrong, at first he was great a little over protective but it was sweet. As time went on he got more and more jealous and possessive to the point where he wouldn't let me go anywhere alone. I ended up loosing contact with most of my friends, hardly going out unless he was with me. If he wasn't by my side he'd call me checking up on me every hour. When I questioned him on it he said he only cared about me and didn't want to loose me and turned it as if I was the bad guy in it all making me feel guilty. Then it got violent..." I explained.
I took a deep breath before continuing this is where it starts to get hard for me to explain. I've never told anyone all this; sure my mom knows the truth to some extent and Liam knows near enough all of it but other than that I've kept it bottled up for all these years.
"You don't want to hear all this." I said wiping tears that where starting to fall.
"Yeah I do." He said quietly placing his hand on my arm to try and comfort me this time I didn't push him away.
"Well it wasn't really much apparently I deserved it, he was only punishing me for hurting him."
"He hit you?" he said unable to believe it, I nodded wiping the tears.
"Just the odd time like if I went somewhere without letting him know or contacting him 'to let him know I was ok' or if he seen me talking to another guy he'd say they where coming on to me and that I was making a fool out of him by so called flirting back." I said still to this day defending him I couldn't help it it's like a physiological thing. It's what happens to all metal abuse sufferers get the doctors and councillors told me.
"Sophie he shouldn't..."
"I know but back then I had no one else to turn to did I." I said not really aiming it at him but I seen the flash of guilt in his eyes.
"So he played mind games with you and beat you." he said trying to get his head around it getting angry I don't know if it was at Jake or at him self for not being there.
"He didn't beat me up only the odd slap about 'when I deserved it'."
"You never deserved it he had no right to lay a hand on you. That's all he did though right?" he asked unsure if he wanted to know the answer.
I shook my head 'no' now was when it got hard to get out, I've never told anyone the exact details of what else happened but I know Benji had to know.
"You remember the night of prom..." he nodded running his hand through his hair then putting his hand back on my arm gently rubbing it up and down. "By this time I had started getting fed up with the mind games and the slapping around so I started standing up to him more and more. It didn't really help just earned me and extra beating." I said starting to recall the worse night of my life's events. Benji started getting upset.
"On the night of prom I decided it was now or never I had to end it with him no matter what, I just couldn't go on with the way he was with me. I started getting scared and nervous about how he would react, what he would do to me, I knew it wouldn't go down well with him. I really needed someone to talk to someone I felt I could trust some one I knew would be there for me no matter what. That person being you." I confessed, he instantly removed his hand from me putting his head in his hands on his lap rubbing his eyes sighing deeply, disappointed in his self.
"I was already waiting for him to come and pick me up for prom, I decided to go to prom with him but end it straight after. I stared getting more and more nervous, I needed to talk to someone badly; so I thought I'd give you one last call even if you didn't want to help or listen just so that I could hear you voice. I called and like usual I didn't get any answer it went straight to the answering machine message. Jake came in and took the phone off me. When he heard it was you I was calling he instantly thought that we where seeing each other behind his back. He was so angry I knew what was coming, he told me that I'd 'made a fool out of him' and that I'd 'pay for it later, I had to look good for prom photos' I'd never seen him like that, he was so mad. So he dragged me off to prom never letting go of my arm the whole night, I had bruises for weeks after because of how tight he gripped onto me. It was hell I couldn't even go to the bathroom without him waiting outside the door sending someone in to 'check on me' if I took too long. I tried looking round for you hoping, wishing I'd find you to help me but no, you weren't there." I said stopping taking a breath for a second the next bit was going to be hardest to talk about. The tears where now flowing freely. I felt him move closer to me and put a hand on my back and held my hand with the other one.
"When prom was over I intended on trying to get away from him but I couldn't he permanently had hold of my arm. He got a taxi and took us to the hotel where he'd booked a room for us." I heard a sob from Benji and noticed the silent tears flowing down his face. I could tell he had guessed at what he happened when Jake got me back to the hotel room but I had to finish the story off anyway.
"We got to the room and he locked the door he started shouting at me, threw me around a little. He hit me a few time's I'm not sure how many all I remember is hitting my head hard and everything went blurry. I couldn't defend myself, I was helpless. He pinned me on the bed and he...he..." I couldn't get it out the tears where uncontrollable. He pulled me closer to him giving my hand a squeeze. "He raped me, he fucking raped me." I whispered not able to say it out loud.
Once I'd got it out that's it the flood gates opened. He pulled me into a tight hug as I sobbed; he was crying too but was trying desperately to stay strong for me. After a minute of uncontrollable sobbing I took a deep breath, sat up and wiped my eyes. We looked into each others eyes then before I knew it, with out thinking he was kissing me and I admit for a second I kissed him back. When I realised what I was doing I never moved so fast away from him. I couldn't believe it my fiancé, the guy I've been with for six years, the guy that's seen me through so much shit in my life, the guy I clime to love was in a hospital bed unsure whether he was going to live or die and I'm kissing another guy. Not just any other guy though, the guy I've hated for so long, the guy I can't stand to be around, the guy that's caused me so much pain and heart ache but in some strange way also the guy that truly, deep down the guy I've always loved from being little.
"Sophie I'm sorry I..." he stuttered not quiet knowing what do say or do.
"That never happened." I said in my state of shock. I don't know what I was more shocked at his confession of his love for me, our kiss or the fact that I actually felt something for him something I've never felt for anyone not even Liam and it scared the shit out of me. He started moving closer to me.
"Ok Soph just... just let's talk about it for a second." He said.
"No, no nothing happened forget everything." I said pushing him away.
"Ok, ok nothing happened." He said backing away and sitting down across the room from me.
I looked at my watch, shaking, 11:15pm. 45 minutes left to see if my fiancé was going to live or not and I was here kissing the guy I've hated for years. I was a horrible person I didn't deserve Liam at all. Thinking of Liam and what I'd just done got me all emotional. The tears started flowing, I had to go and sit with him. He had to wake up, he just had to. I got up and walked out of the waiting room heading to Liam's bedside.
"Where are you going?" Benji asked his voice also shaking as if he was about to cry.
"Where I belong, on my fiancé's beside." I said trying to wipe some of the tears away. I went and sat in my usual seat next to Liam taking hold of his hand again, still no change.
Sign up to rate and review this story