I awoke at about 3 a.m.
My alarm clock was having problems again. Agh! fucking alarm clock. I hate that goddamn alarm clock, too much to even begin to tell you the deep loathing I have for it.
I turned and picked my sidekick off the side table. No missed calls. Not even one from Brendon. "Ross, you're killing yourself. You really are. You know that right?" There's that voice again. Goddamn it. Everything seems to big me nowadays. Everything.
"Shut the fuck up, you don't understand me." I yelled back at the voice. No answer. Then a major headache swept over me, a skull splitting one. The kind that makes you want to rip your face off, only because it wouldn't match the pain.
I closed my eyes and grabbed the remote on the right side of the bed and pressed play. It was Dashboard. Ah, Dashboard, the best eadache relief a person could ask for. I rolled over and put my face in the pillow, my headache subsiding. And I fell back asleep.
When I opened my eyes it was 8:33 a.m.
Again I picked up my sidekick and checked for missed calls. Still none. Except one from Spence. What the hell did Spence want at eight-o-clock in the fucking morning? I called him back. "Hello?" some strange woman answered, breathless. Something fishy is going on and it isn't sushi day with Jac.
"Yeah is Spence there?" I arched my eyebrow, I could hear him making noices. Wait...those were animal noices. WTF? I burst out laughing. And I laughed so hard tears were comming out of my eyes.
He grabbed the phone, "Hello?" I was too busy laughing to hear him answer, "Ah, Ryan. It's you. Why'd you have to ruin the best sex of my life?" I ceased laughing until he said sex. Then I couldn't hold it in anymore. "Haha, I bet that was really fucking funny on your part. huh? Well while you're over there laughing at me I'm trying to put a hold on my penis okay?"
I found it hard to breathe because I was literally laughing that hard. "hahaha You said penis!" oh yeah I'm so mature. When I eventually stopped laughing I spoke breathlessly, "No Spence, I didn't" he was obviously dumbfounded "Wha?" I giggled, "I didn't ruin the best sex of your life, I ruined the only sex you've ever had in your whole life."
Okay, I did it again. I was choking for air, beccause I found that really funny at the time I guess. Spencer didn't. "Well anyways, have you heard from Brendon? Last time I saw him he was with you. I'm really worried."
The laughter stopped.
"W-what?" I choked out, "Brendon. Has. Gone. Missing. Do. You. Know. Where. He. Is?" Spence said slowly, as if I was some slow kid in the 2nd grade. "No, I don't. The last time I saw him he..." I couldn't tell him 'The last time I saw him he was nude, in a bed because I had just had sex with him' "Go on" Spence said breaking me from my thoughts.
"He was...going out to eat. But that was it." Spencer made one of those 'hmm' noises. That can't be good.
"If I didn't know any better Ry, I'd say you're hiding something from me and Brent." I gulped. "No. But it seems you have." He laughed. "Yeah I have. I'm sorry. That girl was Lizzie, she's my fuck toy." I could hear her moaning quietly in the background. "I hate to rain in on your...Love...parade. So I'll go find Bren." And I hung up.
Never again would I ever call Spence again.
That was just to sick and wrong.
I searched for Brendon's number on my sidekick.
Ah ha! Found it.
I let my finger gently brush over the call button, trying to figure weather or not I wanted to call him. He may be a little P.O.ed from what I did. But he's also missing, so I pressed call.
It rang, and rang, and then...it rang. Finally a female voice (another one which I had never heard before) picked up, "Ryan?" No, wait. It did sound framiliar.
All too framiliar.
But what was she doing with my Brendon?
"Um...hey, where's Bren at?" I said somewhat shaking, "Oh he's right here, hold on." there were quiet whispers and then Bren's masculine voice rang into the phone. "Hello?" I almost jumped. "Hey babe, where are you we're all..." he spoke loudly, "Don't call me babe anymore. I'm not gay, okay Ryan? I've told you before and don't make me say it again."
I sat there in shock, what the fucking hell is going on today? "But Bren...You purposed and I...I have the ring on-on-on my finger." I couldn't contain the tears anymore.
"Stop you're yapping kid, I've got a girlfriend I have to tend to okay?" and he hung up.
In that one instant, my life was shattered for good.
Look at him, hugging on Shenae like she's his air. He makes me sick. He acts as though there was never a thing between us at all. /He's sick/.
I hate it. I hate her, I hate him, and most of all I hate myself. Not matter what I do I can't get over him. I sit by and let him tear me up inside because he knows I love him, but he plays with my emotions constantly. What's with him.
He looked up at me, "Hey nae, me and Ry need to talk. Could you wait in livingroom for a bit?" she nodded her head all cute and innocent like, just like her character on degrassi. That christian chick who dated that dude Spencer. Wait...Spencer, that's how I can get back at Bren!
Brendon looked me in the eyes, "Ry, you look pale, what's going on? Is something wrong?" I wanted to jump out and say, 'Oh yeah dumbass, can't you see that everything is wrong?' but I held it in and turned away from him.
He placed his hand on my knee, "You know I'm here for you Ry. Anytime you need me." I shook my leg just enough so his hand would fall off. "You never will be."
Brendon's eyes went blank, "What ma-makes you say that Ry?" I kept my gaze towards my left. "You never will be." I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks again, 'Shit, after 20 minutes of doing my fucking make-up, I have to re-do it. Wow, can today get any worse?'
Just when I thought it couldn't, it did. Brendon stood up and sat down to the left of me, where my gaze had once been. It was now spiraling towards the right. "You know, You're quite cute when you're mad." He said and laughed.
I, however, did not. He grabbed on to my leg again and began to caress it. It reminded me of the car ride, the first time we ever rode in a car together, and I hated him more deeply than ever.
Brendon leaned his face to my ear, "We don't have to pretend anymore Ry. We can go back." I turned and looked him in the face.
That moment a million things were traveling through my mind at once. I sat there looking into his bright brown eyes, and I knew what it was I had to do.
I looked down at my knee, fixed the part in my hair, and grabbed Brendon's hand tightly. I looked back into his eyes, I looked so deep I could see his face the first time we had sex in his car, he was so innocent back then, I missed him so much.
I have to do this now. It's the only way to escape the pain.
Brendon smiled, "Your hands are soft." he raised my hand up and rubbed it to his cheek. How /corney/. He looked around the room nervously and then looked down at our hands, "Can I kiss you?"
/Inhale/, "Sorry Brendon, I'm not a Fag, like you." and I put his hands on his lap and walked out of the room feeling as though I had done him wrong. /Exhale/.
Shenae ran to the door when she heard Brendon crying. From then on she hated what I had done, but she always winked at me when Brendon wasn't looking. She has /issues/.
I had to tell her what was going on, but I just didn't have the guts to.
A week after that inncident, she volenteered to have dinner at her house. I had no idea she could cook really. We all made our way over to her house and we found her behind the stove when we got there. "Hey guys, I made stuff for all of you. I was really bored so I watched a cooking show and yeah, now I know how to cook stuff I couldn't have pronounced before."
She showed us to the table and sat us down according to last names, she was sitting awefully close to me, and it was quite uncomfortable.
She came out with Brendon and Jon's food first, all smiles as she sat it down in front of them. "Wait lemme go and get you and Spence's plates. I'll be right back" she turned and winked at me again while brendon was too busy shoveing food into his mouth to notice.
I turned slightly in my chair, there was a small crack in the door I could see threw. There she was sprinkiling something on a plate that I am pretty sure was mine.
She walked back out and gave me and Spence our plates and she had a salad. We sat there eating in silence, watching Shenae feed Brendon over the table. It was disgusting.
When we were all done we sat and watched t.v in the livingroom for a while as our food was being digested. There it was, clear as water, "But it's better if you do!" flashed onto the screen, Brendon mouthing every word to it.
I began to feel sick, like I had the flu, but it subsided a few moments later. Was it the food I ate?
Shenae looked over and smiled at me, I turned my gaze to the hotter looking Brendon on the Television set. He was hotter only because he wasn't as big of a jerk as the real Brendon was.
After an hour of on and off quiezeness, we headed for home. Brendon still lived with me. So we walked up to the car and got in silently, as usual. I felt like the car was spinning, everything felt weird. I began to feel a tingle climb up my limbs, and then I passed out.
I woke up to find Brendon hanging over me again. He was checking my pulse for some reason. "Ry, Ry, you alive?"
I groaned, as if to say, "Yeah, shut up asshole."
He smiled, "Okay good, I was afraid you had died on me." he chuckled, "What the fuck happened?" I sounded horrible. "Well I dunno, you kinda passed out in the car. Then it began to rain, then I had to carry you into the house. You're not very light you know."
He managed to get a laugh out of me, but only one. "It's good to hear you laugh again." He said grabbing a cup off the bedside table. "Here, drink this, it'll help you feel better."
It was herbal tea, my favorite, I gabbed the cup from him, "Sense when did you start caring about my well-being?" he sat on the bed beside me, "I always have lover."
Lover? Wow, that's a new one. I took a drink of it, "You shouldn't worry me like that, it happens too often." he said running his fingers threw my hair, /mmmmm/, his hands are so soft.
I almost forgot that I had my face in tea, and tried to breathe in. cough painful cough, damn that hurt. "You okay?" Bren cooed, "Yeah, I'm fine, thanks for being there for me." He grabbed my hand and raised it up into my view, there was the shiny engagement ring that I had given him back a few weeks ago, "I will always be there for you, never anyone else."
Brendon leaned forward and kissed me gently on the lips as though he was handing me his heart then and there. A feeling I had been missing for a while, because I had a bad streak of sympathy dates and one night stands.
I let him wrap his arms around me and climb on top of me. Holding me closely, kissing me passionately and deeply. I allowed myself to be lost in the long forgotten taste of Brendon's mouth once again.
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