FicWad

It wasn't a beautiful spring day, with birds chirping and flowers in bloom. It wasn't Valentines Day, when couples young and old hold hands while smiling softly. It wasn't even after a funeral- which, as Schuldig says, is when people go at it like rabbits. Which was generally why the German liked to linger near cemeteries and funeral homes, and why Crawford encouraged him to do so.

It was, in fact, a miserably hot day in July.

Crawford had locked himself in his office with the air conditioner on full-blast. Anyone who dared even open the door a crack found a gun pointed at them. Nagi had left for bodyguard duty, glad to spend the day out of the house. The fact that their employer's building was probably as cold as the Artic was just a bonus, really. Schuldig had opted to sprawl out across the living room floor in a pair of boxers and simply not move. At /all/. Kirito had tripped over him twice in an hour.

Even Farfarello had been affected by the heat and had taken permanent residence in front of the open refrigerator.

It was because of that mind-numbing summer day that it happened; or so Brett believes.

He had been minding his own business, slouched in a chair with as many fans as he could find placed in a neat circle around him. Little blue ribbons waved about to assure him that yes, the power was in fact still on and yes, the fans were trying their best to fight against nature's wrath. Brett was just contemplating the idea that maybe they weren't trying hard enough dammit when the front door opened.

Brett's eyes had widened considerably when Cailin walked in, swinging a shopping bag merrily. Her hair had been up for once, her pale slender neck bare for inspection. And, in a tank top and shorts, Cailin was.../curvy/, Brett decided. Cailin was almost...maybe....really hot.

A jolt of surprise from across the room.

The red-haired boy had glanced across the room, eyes meeting Kirito's as they both came to the same conclusion.

Cailin was a /girl/.

On the floor, Schuldig had managed to howl with laughter without actually moving.

*

Brett flipped through channels like a pro, having managed to inherit that ability from Schuldig. Nothing was on except stupid game shows and boring dramas. His feet were propped up on his Schuldig's stomach, the older telepath snoring slightly as he slept. Brett absently reached into the bowl of popcorn by his side.

His hand collided with what felt like another hand and he yelped.

"Did I scare you, Brett-chan?" Cailin giggled.

"...no. Not at all!"

Cailin giggled again, grabbed a handful of popcorn, and shoved it all into her mouth. Then licked the butter off of her fingers.

Brett gulped. "I...uh.....don't eat it all!"

The golden-eyed girl looked hurt. "I'm sorry," she said and placed her hands firmly on her lap. Brett found himself staring at them.

"It's fine," he muttered. "I'm not really mad. Really. Have as much as you want."

Cailin smiled brightly and the red-head had little warning before he found himself being tackle-hugged by. He yelped again, arms flailing a bit as he wondered what the hell he was supposed to do with them and managed to deliver a fierce kick in the ribs to his dad, who made an 'oof' sound in protest.

"I'm so lucky, Brett-chan," Cailin squealed in that high-pitched schoolgirl tone she sometimes used as she hugged him tighter. The redhead felt himself flush slightly. "You and Kiri-chan are so nice to me!"

Coffee colored eyes narrowed.

Cailin sat back, grinning. "This morning he made me pancakes and now you're giving me your popcorn. I hope you two aren't planning to make me fat." With another bright smile, she grabbed the bowl and stood up. "I'm going to see if Da wants some." She skipped away.

Brett fumed.

"You know, brat, I think you fractured something," a voice wheezed from the floor. "What was she doing, going for the jugular?"

"No," Brett fumed more. "She was hugging me."

Schuldig snorted and sat up, wincing slightly. "Riiiight. Our two boys had an epiphany, didn't they? Of course. I was wondering how long that would take." The older telepath stretched his arms up over his head, sighing in pleasure when his back popped. "Though I gotta say, I didn't expect Kirito to get his head turned by her but I can't always be right."

Brett rolled his eyes and got his leg smacked for his troubles. He sniffed then turned thoughtful. "What do you mean you didn't think he'd get his head turned by her?"

"Well," Schuldig drawled as he examined his nails, "there's a reason why I bought him all those Gackt videos for his birthdays. Aside from the fact that it pissed Nagi off. Then again, you guys are teenagers. Toasters are enough to make you run for the shower."

"Why didn't you force me to watch those videos?" Brett asked.

"You're a telepath, kiddo. You'll take a little of everything eventually. Which reminds me-" and suddenly Schuldig was on the couch with an arm slung around his son's shoulders, trying to look serious. "It's my job to set down the rules for this, especially since you have some competition," he started, then stopped when he noticed Brett's eyes cloud over slightly.

A few moments later, Brett blinked. "Yeah, I got it. No using telepathy to mess with Cailin or Kirito's minds."

"Sometimes I'm glad you're a precog. It spares us so many awkward moments."

"Sucks at Christmas though. I always know what I'm getting."

Schuldig sighed dramatically. "A blessing and a curse, I know. And one more thing."

Brett tried to pull free, but to no avail. "What?" he asked wearily. "And please don't start in on birds and insects..."

"No. I just want everyone to be safe, really." Brett opened his mouth to make a comment but Schuldig cut him off. "Meaning/...don't let Far know. While /I think it would be entertaining as hell, Braddles says it would be bad. Very bad."

Brett shuddered.


*

Kirito didn't pause in his task when there was a knock on his bedroom door, simply said "Come in" in a barely loud enough voice. It wasn't Brett, he knew, because his cousin wouldn't knock on his own door regardless of the fact that he shared it with someone. The only ones that did bother knocking, actually, were Cailin and his father.

He froze when the door opened, hoping, for some reason, that it wasn't his other...cousin.

"Kirito."

The Japanese boy sighed in relief at his father's voice and continued studying himself in the mirror. "Tousan." He attempted to curl a piece of hair, but it fell back straight. Kirito pouted.

"Are you...okay?" Nagi asked, shifting awkwardly. He wasn't good at these type of talks, but Schuldig had flat out refused to handle this, saying that he had had to make one too many of them in his life. Nagi remembered his own talk with Schu when he was a kid and grimaced. You see, Naggles, there's a part A. You insert it into part B. Unless that's missing in action, in which you use part C. You okay, chibi? You look green...

He really didn't want to do this.

Nagi expected to be given a sharp "I'm fine, how are you?". Or, at worst, a "Yes, I admit I have a crush." He did not, however, expect Kirito to whirl on him and ask, "Do you think my nose is too big?"

"P-pardon?" the older telekinetic floundered.

"I mean, I never noticed it before but I think now that it might be...well...big," Kirito finished lamely and stared at the floor.

"Oh. Umm. No."

Kirito looked doubtful.

Nagi plowed forward gallantly. "So...Schuldig tells me you-"

"Yes."

"Ah. Well." There was a pause. "Don't do anything that'll get you hurt."

"I won't." Kirito sighed through his nose then peered up from beneath a fringe of black hair. "Can I ask you something?"

Nagi half-smiled. He could deal with questions. He was good at giving answers. It was what he did. "Sure."

"What happened to your first girlfriend?"

"Farfarello killed her."

Dark eyes widened. "Ah. Why?"

"She was in the way." Nagi thought he should add something to that. So he said "She fought with an umbrella." Which earned him an odd look. "I'm going to go make dinner now."

"Okay. Thanks, Tousan."

Nagi smiled again and left, shaking his head slightly when the door closed behind him. Inside his room, Kirito mirrored the action and turned back to his mirror. He'd have to work hard, he decided, if he wanted to win. First off, he'd stop wearing socks with his sandals...


*

Everyone was acting weird and she didn't know why.

It had started a week ago, during that heat wave, she thought. Uncle Schu had started smirking even more than usual, especially when her cousins were in the room with her. She had asked him why but he only smirked more and chuckled while her cousins had glared at him then each other.

Which was another thing she didn't understand. Her cousins. They had always gotten along so well, though Brett and Kirito could get awfully competitive over things- like DDR or grades or Talents. But lately, it had gotten even worse than normal and, it seemed, more focused towards her. Whenever she talked to Brett, the redhead would shift away or huff angrily and turn his face away. Unless Kirito was in the room. Then he would talk too loud, about his telepathy or precognition or hair.

Even worse was Kirito, who turned red and tripped over his own words and run off, or stare at the ground until Cailin had asked whether there was something wrong with his shoes. Perhaps his feet were cold.

They seemed to feel bad afterwards though, taking her out to the mall or the movies or for ice cream. She barely had time to sit down for a moment before one of them was dragging her out of the house again. But even when they were out, things were awkward and uncomfortable and Cailin wished oddly that her Da or Uncle Schu would come along with them.

Then, suddenly, she realized what was wrong.

She was a /girl/.

Running into her Da's room, Cailin sat down next to the white-haired man. Farfarello immediately dropped the book he had been reading and gave her his full attention.

Cailin sniffed.

"What's th' matter, sweetin?" Farfarello peered at her with one amber eye, one fist clenched as the other pet her long hair.

"It's Brett-chan and Kiri-chan, Da. They don't want to play with me anymore," Cailin whispered, chewing thoughtfully on her lower lip.

"Why's tha' now?"

"Because I'm a girl."

Farfarello's eye narrowed. "Is tha' so?"

Cailin nodded sadly, then raised her head to stare at her Da. "You can't tell them I told you! They'll be mad."

Farfarello smiled sharply. "They won't know ye said a word."


*

"She doesn't like you, you know."

"She doesn't like you either."

"Well, at least I don't have a big nose."

"That's not fair! No telepathy is allowed, Brett!"

"I wasn't using telepathy. It's a fact."

"Yeah, well, at least I don't...I don't..."

"Take your time, I have all afternoon."

"Shut up!"

"No you!"

"Both of ye should."

The two boys stared at each other in fear before slowly turning towards the source of the voice.

Brett swallowed hard. "Hi, Uncle Far. Nice knife...eheh." He looked around, absurdly enough, for his Schuldig.

Kirito just whimpered.

Farfarello smiled. "What's this I hear o' ye hurtin my Cailin's feelin's?" Both boys tried their best to look innocent and confused, the latter of which wasn't difficult to do.

"We haven't done anything, Uncle Far," Kirito offered.

Brett smirked. "Well, I haven't. Him on the other hand. Why just yesterday he-"

Kirito used both a real and a telekinetic hand to smack him upside the head.

"I expect," the Irishman was saying, "tha' everythin will be back ta normal tomorrow. Right, lads?"

Brett and Kirito nodded in earnest.

Satisfied, Farfarello turned and head towards the kitchen, idly wondering why everyone said it hard to get through to kids these days. I suppose, he thought, you just have to know how to talk to them.

That night, Schuldig wondered why the brats made him sleep in their room. The last time they had looked that scared was the last time Far really went off the deep end of the-

Oh.

Schuldig found himself being hit by a pillow when he started laughing.