FicWad

"They want what?" Crawford asked again. More slowly this time, to avoid any confusion whatsoever as to what the question was.

Arms crossed, Schuldig leaned against the kitchen counter with a martyred look. "Asking a third time won't change the answer, you know."

"One can hope."

The telepath sighed. "The brats. You know, miniature versions of Schwarz? They want to have some sort of family thing. Get together. God knows we don't spend enough time staring at each other's faces..."

Farfarello looked up from where he was making hot cocoa. "Yers is a pretty face, if tha' helps."

"Thanks, Far."

Crawford shook his head. "Why do they want to do this?"

"Because, Brad, the television told them that families need to have family time. Parents frolicking with their kids and taking them to work and what not." Schuldig shrugged one shoulder. "The brats feel neglected."

"I used to read to them at night," the oracle muttered, glaring into his coffee mug.

"Machiavelli isn't exactly the Brothers Grimm."

"An' yet," Farfarello reflected, "just as educational."

"What do they want to do?" Crawford asked. Better to stop that conversation while they were ahead.

Schuldig smirked. "Anime. And lots of it."

The Irishman looked thoughtful. "How does one 'do' anime?"

"Here, Far. Have some mini-marshmallows. Enjoy." The German threw him a bag, which Farfarello greedily tore into. Soon, there were none left and the white-haired man was chewing with feeling.

Brett peered into the kitchen. "Are you guys coming, or what? Cailin is threatening to make us watch Sailor Moon first if we don't start soon and..." There was a gust of wind by his ear and Brett found himself staring into an empty room.

*

"So, what's this one called again?" Nagi asked. He was sitting on his favorite chair, far away from the others and any projectile food. Granted, he sometimes missed parts of the show- such as the name of it and other major factors- but one needed to take the good and the bad.

"Fruits Basket!" Cailin squealed from the floor, pumping a fist into the air in excitement and nearly delivering a nasty upper-cut to Schuldig. Who wisely sat back on the couch a bit more. "Everyone at school loves it!"

Crawford grabbed a handful of popcorn, grimacing at the buttery feel. "I can't imagine why," he mumbled before shoving the kernelly goodness into his mouth.

Nagi snorted. "I think it has something to do with all the boys. And the sap. But mostly, the boys."

"That's the appeal of all anime," Schuldig said.

"The sap?"

"No. The boys."

"Pedophile."

Schuldig growled and threw popcorn at the telekinetic. It missed by inches and fell harmlessly to the floor. "Dammit!"

"The orange-haired one is annoying," Kirito decided out loud. "So loud. And arrogant. And messed up."

Leaning on the opposite side of the coffee table, Brett snorted. "No way. The black-haired one is the worst. Yuuuuuuuki. Gott, what a stupid name. He's so 'woe is me' blah blah blah. He should go get laid or something and stop complaining."

Kirito bristled. "Maybe he would if he didn't, oh I don't know, /turn into a rat when touched/."

"Psht. That's only with the opposite sex."

There was a moment of silence as everyone considered this.

"I," Schuldig finally said, "like Shigure. Running the house without actually running it. Lounging about all day. Tormenting people through sheer will. Making perverted comments..."

There was another moment of silence as everyone thought about this as well.

"Want to watch something else?" Crawford suggested.

Nagi had already popped the DVD out before he finished the question.


*

"They should all just have an orgy."

"Dad, one of them is like...my age, mentally. Even younger."

"Brett, you're father is a sick man. Ignore him," Nagi said in his most bland tone.

"Okay, so he can stay out of it," Schuldig conceded. "But the other three..."

"The red head is like you, Uncle Schu," Kirito noted.

Crawford tilted his head to the side. "He does have a point. Red hair. Chain smoking. Beer guzzling. Vulgar mouthed. Questionable taste in clothing."

"Also shows an interest in young children," Nagi snickered. It was a unique sound, not often heard, and the others passed it off as a sneeze.

"That was in one episode, you bastard, and wasn't actually true." Schuldig sneered and tossed his hair back. "Anyways, I bet he's getting it on with the blonde bombshell with the stick up the ass. Actually, he reminds me of you, Braddles. You should wear a dress sometime and dye your hair."

"It's a robe, Uncle Schu," Cailin felt the need to point out. "He's a monk. Genjo Sanzo Hoshi-sama. Baldy!" She giggled.

"Yeah, well, if anyone is after the monkey's ass it's that guy."

Brett raised an eyebrow. "I thought you said he was with Gojyo..."

"Maybe he wants both?" Kirito guessed. It was hard to keep up with his family's points.

"So they are having an orgy," Brett said. His other eyebrow joined the first.

"But my father said that would be sick..."

Crawford sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Which made it buttery as well. "Why are we having this conversation?"

"Because Nagi sucks," Schuldig said, at the same time that Nagi said "Because Schuldig is sick."

"So, who would you pick, Uncle Schu? Uncle Brad or Sanzo?" Cailin tipped her head back to watch the telepath.

Who froze and glanced at the door.

Crawford glared at him.

"I refuse to answer. I have no opinion! In fact, I'm neutral. I'm Switzerland," Schuldig declared.

Farfarello eyed his hot cocoa warily. He didn't think it was Swiss Miss...

The oracle glared some more, no less menacing despite the butteryness of his state. Next to him, Schuldig tried to stay very still and not attract attention to himself for once.

Cailin giggled rather deviously.

"Mommy and Daddy are fighting again," Brett drawled and sniffled.

"Shut up, brat."

"Does anyone know what's actually happening in the show now?" Nagi asked suddenly.

Everyone stared back blankly.

Crawford looked smug. "This is why we shouldn't watch anything as a family. There was never a problem with Machiavelli."

Nagi sighed and started the show over again. Maybe everyone would keep quiet this time around.

"Braddles, you have butter on your nose."

Or maybe not.