Categories > Anime/Manga > Love Mode > The Ways Love Grows
Sometime in the night, Takamiya drifted into a dream in which he was sitting alone on a sandy beach looking at small grey waves that rushed in and out on the shore.
He loves me. He loves me not, the waves seemed to whisper as they rose and fell.
A movement on the swell caught his eye. He watched for a long time trying to make out what he was seeing until the tide washed a mess of mangled sticks, string, and paper onto the beach at his feet. A kite.
"You broke it," sighed the waves. "You broke it.
Takamiya picked up the wadded cord and tried to unravel the swollen knots but turned when he heard the sound of weeping beside him.
Izumi?
The boy was huddled next to him, his eyes dark pools of pain.
"You broke it," the boy accused.
"I didn't mean to. Can you forgive me?" Takamiya said as he reached out to comfort the sobbing youth.
"Of course not, you jerk!"
Takamiya woke up at 2 o'clock in the morning with a sick feeling of dread as the words echoed and re-echoed in his mind.
I shouldn't have kissed him again after he fainted that last time, thought Takamiya. He doesn't trust me, and why should he? I wasn't thinking about what he wanted. I was thinking about what I wanted.
"Of course not, you jerk!" the boy had said.
He wants to forget about what happened, Takamiya reflected. His memories aren't like mine. Every time he sees me, the wounds he's trying to heal open again. Maybe I should stay away from him.
But, I love him. Takamiya stared at the wall, and faced the hard question head-on.
But what if my love is hurting him?
Takamiya remembered the pain he had seen in Izumi's eyes and heard in his voice.
"Of course not, you jerk!" The phrase haunted the man.
If I really love him, maybe I need to let him go, Takamiya thought.
He could call Izumi's mother in the morning, and let her know he had a prior engagement and then simply let himself fade out of their lives. Then in a few weeks, he would be a distant memory and maybe that would be better for all concerned.
He could weather another broken heart, he was sure. All he needed to do was to throw himself into his work again. He'd done it when his father died, and when Shiki died. He did it after Julian left. It could work again if he lost Izumi.
Then, suddenly, he was close to tears because, in truth, he wasn't at all sure. He'd been lonely so long and when he met Izumi, so sure he'd found a chance of happiness again.
Takamiya sighed. He was not at all happy with any scenario that cut Izumi out of his life completely. Maybe he needed to look at the situation from another angle.
I'm blowing this out of proportion, he realized. I'm reacting to Izumi's anger. But given enough time, his anger will fade. Maybe all he needs is time to heal and some breathing room, and then I will ask again for his forgiveness. In any case, I have plenty to keep me busy while I'm waiting--finishing the next few chapters, finding an apartment to live in...
Although, it was only 2:30 in the morning, Takamiya wasn't sleepy in the slightest. He showered, made a pot of tea, dressed and threw himself into the adventure of rendering into Japanese, Adam Harford's Berlin adventures during the Cold War.
Room service brought breakfast at 7:30 in the morning. After finishing the scrambled eggs and crumpets with marmalade, Takamiya went back to work and was still hard at it some two hours later when the difficulty of finding an exact translation for the espionage term "safe houses" stymied him.
He sighed, stretched his shoulders and glanced at the clock. It was 10 AM. He suddenly recalled his appointment with the real estate agent was for noon, and that he needed to call Izumi's mother.
He dialed her number, and after he exchanged greetings, extended his regrets.
"I'm so sorry I didn't call earlier, but I've been working on a chapter for my editor, and I'm afraid I won't be able to come to dinner tonight. In fact, a number of things came up suddenly, so it might be a week or two before I see you both again."
"Oh, that's too bad, but I understand, Takamiya-san," she said. "I suppose it's just as well though, since Izumi went to stay at a friend's place, but please call again when your schedule allows. I'll be returning to work and Izumi starts his new semester next week, but we would love to have you visit any time you have an evening free."
"Thank you for your kindness," he said and then after a few more pleasantries, they hung up.
Takamiya sighed as he realized that Izumi had gone to stay with a friend most likely as a way of avoiding him.
He was a little surprised, but the fact Izumi had done it at all, drove home to him that the choice he made to allow the boy some space and time to heal was a good one.
Takamiya faxed the pages he'd completed to his editor, then shaved and went down to the hotel café for lunch. When he finished, he took the subway to his appointment at the real estate office.
"So, Takamiya-san," said Mrs. Yamato as she reviewed a number of listing cards with him, "I think any of these four apartments might meet with your approval, but this one," she gestured, "comes closest to meeting your needs. It's on a quiet, tree-lined street in the neighborhood you mentioned. Shopping and parks are within walking distance. It's a two-bedroom unit with a fully equipped modern kitchen and dining area. The tenant before you used the second bedroom as a study and had it wired for internet connectivity, so there is ample space for a desk and so forth and, of course, for your book collection. The master bedroom is spacious and has a full bath attached. There are also parking spaces available for an additional monthly charge."
"It does sound ideal," Takamiya agreed.
"Then let's go take a look at it," she suggested.
The trees lining the street in the prospective neighborhood were already decked out in pale green leaves of early spring.
"How lovely they are," said Takamiya. And only a twenty-minute walk from Izumi's house, he thought to himself.
"This apartment would suit me very well," he said to the realtor. "When could I move in?"
"As soon as we handle the financial arrangements and sign the rental agreements, the place is yours. Today, if you'd like."
"Yes, I'd like to get the paperwork done today. Then I can get my books out of storage and purchase some furniture. I'd like to be moved in by the first of the month."
Takamiya walked out of the realtor's office at two PM with the key to his new apartment in hand. He was back at his suite a mere half-hour later.
His energy was usually at low ebb in the afternoon. He made some tea and sat down with a novel, but the tea was not enough to restore him fully. After having lost so much sleep the night before, Takamiya dozed off. There were no disturbing dreams to wake him. He simply slept until he woke in the dimly lit room to the sound of rain pattering on the terrace windows.
He turned on the lamp, and reached for his tea. The cup was cold to the hand, so he poured it down the sink, filled the tea maker again and set it to brew. He went to the window and looked out into the bleak grayness as night fell on Shinjuku and the streetlights winked on.
A muddied half-moon peeped out from shredded clouds by fits and starts, but he could not see a single star in the sky, and every so often the wind would fling rain drops against the plate glass of the terrace door.
"Impossible view," sighed Takamiya. He was sure the new apartment would suit him better.
A sudden ring of the doorbell surprised him out of his reverie. He rarely had visitors. He knit his brows as he moved to open the door even as he asked, "Who is it?"
He was startled to see Izumi standing at the threshold soaked from head to foot with one of his shoes missing and his sock dripping wet.
"Izumi?"
The boy looked miserable and on the verge of tears.
"Come in," Takamiya said softly. When the boy just stood shivering with cold in the doorway, Takamiya took him gently by the arm and guided him in.
"Yes, that's right, take off your shoe, and that wet heavy jacket. A warm shower is what you need," said Takamiya as he led the way to the bathroom. "Here's a towel and a bathrobe. If you leave your wet clothes outside the door, I'll call hotel services and see about getting them cleaned and dried for you."
"Look," he told the boy, as he paused by the closet and pulled some clothing off hangers, "I've got a sweater and a pair of pants for you to wear. I'll set them on the dresser here. Sorry they're a little big, but they should be okay until you get your own clothes back. In the meantime, I'll make some hot tea," he said, and left Izumi his privacy.
Izumi said nothing in reply but did as he was told.
When Takamiya heard the spray of the shower, he went back into the bedroom and retrieved Izumi's wet garments, and called the hotel service desk.
One of the clerks from the staff arrived in minutes.
"The jacket needs mending," Takamiya said, as he pointed out the ripped seam to the woman.
"We will have them ready for you tomorrow morning,"the maid said as she took the wet clothes.
"My guest also lost the mate to his shoe," Takamiya said as he held up Izumi's sneaker, "Is there any chance..."
"I'll take it with me, sir. The concierge will send out a personal shopper to find a pair in a similar style.
"Thank you so much," said Takamiya as the maid took her leave.
Takamiya went into the kitchenette and set the hot teapot and cups on a tray while he pondered the mystery of Izumi's unexpected appearance on his doorstep. He walked back into the living room area and set the tray on the coffee table.
The way his clothes were disheveled--was he mugged or in a fight? Takamiya wondered as he looked out the terrace window into the night.
He heard the sound of footsteps and turned to see Izumi padding quietly down the hall with downcast eyes. Wearing the oversize sweater and with the cuffs of the trousers rolled up so he wouldn't trip on them, the boy looked more desirable than ever to Takamiya, but he had never seen him so dispirited.
"Did the shower warm you up," he asked Izumi as he poured the steaming tea into cups.
Izumi mumbled something inaudible in reply, and moved to sit in one of the chairs.
"Tea?" Takamiya offered, but Izumi shook his head.
The boy was so silent and subdued. Clearly there was something serious wrong.
Takamiya attempted to bridge what he felt was an awkward silence.
"I sent your clothes out to be cleaned," he said, "and they should be ready in the morning. There's another bed in the guest room, so it's okay if you stay overnight. Not that it wouldn't be fine to share a bed..." Takamiya's voice trailed off as he realized how bad that must sound to the boy, so he quickly changed the subject, saying, "So what brings you here so late in the day?"
A sudden gust of rain on the windows muffled Izumi's murmured reply.
"What was that?" Takamiya asked.
In a sudden lull, he heard the boy's words clearly.
"Hold me."
The request stunned Takamiya, and time stood still while he tried to grasp the meaning of it. Eons passed, it seemed, between each breath he took. To have the person he loved return to him against all expectation was a blessing that he could scarcely credit. He was not about to refuse the boy whatever comfort he might need.
Takamiya had no conscious awareness of how he bridged the distance between them. He only knew that one moment he was sitting in his chair and the next his thumb was tracing the soft curve of Izumi's lips, hands cradling his head, eyes caressing the troubled face he held. Then his lips descended on the mouth he longed for and he kissed Izumi, their chests so close, he could feel the heavy thumping of their hearts until the world fell away and passion claimed him.
Takamiya swept the boy up into his arms and glided down the hall to the bedroom. His lips never left Izumi's even when he placed the boy's body on the bed and slid onto it after him. He slipped his tongue into Izumi's unresisting mouth, his fingers tenderly brushing the tousled hair from the boy's smooth forehead.
And then he wanted more and took his lips away to say, "Izumi..."
The sight of unshed tears on the youth's eyelids awakened a feeling of ardent tenderness in Takamiya. "Izumi, give me your tongue," he whispered.
Hesitantly, shyly, the boy did as he was bid, and when the man sucked it softly, the youth let out a moan that inflamed Takamiya's desire. He broke the kiss to slide his hand slowly up beneath the sweater Izumi wore, fingertips in search of the swollen bud of a nipple. Eyes intent on Izumi's face, the man watched the youth shudder at his touch, but when the boy groaned in response, it seemed to Takamiya that there was more pain than pleasure in it. Alarmed, he stopped mid-stroke and drew his hand away. He would not repeat the mistake he made on the day they first met.
"Izumi?" he asked.
Face and body shaking with emotion, eyes glistening, brimming with tears, Izumi clenched his hands in anger, "You're the bad one! Not me!" he shouted as he rose from the bed and punched Takamiya in the jaw.
The unexpected blow caught Takamiya off-guard and sent him staggering to the floor. When he got to his feet, Izumi was lying across the bed, head buried in his hands, sobbing his heart out.
The boy's apparent agony made the slight pain of Takamiya's bruised chin seem pale by comparison.
The man wanted to help in whatever way he could, but he didn't know what the problem was.
"What's wrong, Izumi? Please, calm down. Can't you tell me what's wrong, "he asked.
The boy struggled to master his emotions. With his fists on the coverlet, Izumi finally steeled himself to exclaim, "I've definitely....become a homo!" and after one tortured glance at Takamiya, he hid his face in his hands again and wailed even more bitterly than before.
Takamiya had at least a partial answer now about what was causing Izumi's pain. It was rooted in feelings about homosexuality.
The man had long since come to terms with his own sexual orientation and was comfortable with it. It was an essential part of who he was as a person and he was not ashamed. He did know others who were racked with guilt and pain over it because of their upbringing, the reactions of their families and of society.
Only two nights before, Izumi had declared to Takamiya, "I am not a homo!" Two days later, he was certain he was one. What was clear to the man now, was that the boy was not certain of anything at the moment.
Izumi must be so confused now, the man thought. No wonder he's crying.
Though Takamiya's first instinct was to gather the boy in his arms and hug away the pain, he feared his touch might make things worse.
I'd better let him cry himself out, the man thought.
He placed a box of Kleenex within reach and left the room to get the tea tray.
The liquid in the cups was only tepid now, so Takamiya went to the sink, emptied them and refilled the tea maker with water. He found himself wondering again, as he measured leaves into the tea ball, just what had happened to Izumi that afternoon.
If the boy had another homosexual experience, by the looks of things, it had been a violent one, and the thought that Izumi might have been raped, made Takamiya queasy.
When the tea was ready, he set the cups, the pot, and some lemon slices on the tray and carried it up the hall to the bedroom to find Izumi dabbing away the last of his tears.
The boy was sitting tailor-fashion on the bed. He looked much calmer, if a little embarrassed, and utterly adorable in the over-sized clothes, Takamiya couldn't help thinking.
"Feeling better?" the man asked as sat down on the edge of the bed, poured the steaming beverage into the cups and handed one to Izumi.
Izumi nodded and said, "Thank you."
Encouraged by the polite response and more open manner, Takamiya thought the boy might be ready to talk.
"What happened to you today, Izumi? You'll feel better if tell someone about it."
Izumi took another sip of tea and began, "I went to visit my friend, Konno, this morning."
Takamiya was immediately suspicious of this Konno person and wondered if he was the culprit in whatever happened.
"So what happened with your friend?" asked Takamiya, making a conscious effort to keep his tone neutral.
"Oh, we played video games for a while, but then he had to leave. He's on a trip with his girl friend," Izumi explained, and Takamiya's jealous conjectures about Konno evaporated.
"Anyway, Izumi continued, "He lent me the key to his apartment so I could watch the place for him. I wasn't there long when I accidentally stumbled onto his porn collection and I...watched some."
"What kind was it?" Takamiya asked with natural curiosity. "Men and women or...?"
Izumi nodded. "Yeah, men and women, and a lot of it was really weird, but some of it was normal. I even had ginseng drinks, but whatever great stuff I watched, um," he hesitated, "and that one girl was really pretty, but even so, I was surprised that I wasn't...I mean...that I didn't...uh, that is...that I couldn't..." Izumi paused for so long that Takamiya finished the sentence for him.
"So, you didn't get an erection, I take it," the man said.
"Yeah," Izumi admitted, "and I wondered if...well...you know...what happened the other night..."
The boy couldn't meet Takamiya's eyes as he said this but continued anyway, "On TV, sometimes on talk shows, I've heard lots of stories about guys who've been raped or seduced and wake up to a side of themselves they didn't know was there. You know what I mean? Homo."
"Um, well, that's kind of..." Takamiya trailed off. Now he didn't know quite what to say, but Izumi filled in the gap.
"...Anyway, I thought if I watched some homo porn, it would make things clear to me, so I went to that place, the Rose Playhouse."
The Rose Playhouse, thought Takamiya with a sinking feeling. Even among gays that place had a bad reputation.
"But in the washroom," Izumi continued, "there were these two guys working together..."
The bathroom is the most dangerous place, thought Takamiya with dismay.
"What happened there?" the man asked, dreading the answer.
"Well, there was a big fight," said Izumi. "The big guy grabbed me and then the other guy..."
Takamiya's stomach lurched and plunged as he listened to the details.
"...well, they knocked my hat off in the scuffle," the boy went on, "and I lost my shoe and my money when they wrecked my jacket...It was a dangerous situation, seriously bad..."
Takamiya waited in horror for the rest of the story.
"...but nothing happened, so that's good," Izumi finished with an air of total nonchalance.
Takamiya made a strangled sound as he dropped to his knees and stretched his arms out on the bed in an attitude of surrender or thanksgiving.
"What's wrong?" asked the boy.
Takamiya stood up and said, "I'm just so relieved. I thought for sure those guys had raped you, for crying out loud. It was kind of a shock to the system," he said as he picked up his teacup and calmed himself with another sip.
"And after that, you came to my place?" Takamiya asked. "But I thought coming here was a terrible thing for you, so why did you come?"
Izumi didn't bother with the story he'd prepared on the way to the hotel about borrowing money for the subway.
"Because I needed to know for sure," the boy said with his face utterly serious. His voice shook as he said his next words, "Takamiya, you're a homo..."
Homo he says, thought Takamiya Yes, I am. But, what does he want of me, if not that?
"I..." the boy struggled to find the right words. "What should I do?"
The boy stood up and searched Takamiya's face as though he might find an answer there.
"What can I do to heal myself?" Izumi asked finally as tears spilled down his cheeks.
Damn, thought Takamiya, I thought something terrible had happened.
But when he realized how deep the boy's anguish ran, the man was overcome by feelings of pity and love. He reached out instantly to draw him into a hug.
"It's okay, Izumi," he whispered reassurance. "It's okay."
There were lies he might have told, other truths he might have told, but Takamiya said what would give the greatest comfort.
"There's nothing wrong with you. It's just a part of growing up. You'll be fine. Right now, though you might not think so, all you need is a good night's sleep and you'll wake up hale and hearty tomorrow. Right?"
"All right," said Izumi, voice trembling, as he clung to Takamiya and wet the sleeve of the man's shirt with his tears.
Takamiya had been sure that the boy would be in a hurry to pull away from his embrace when the tears stopped, but Izumi rested in his arms long after they dried. The small fact made the man strangely happy as he felt wave upon wave of tenderness and love for Izumi flow through him.
Although for all the man knew, this might be the last time he would ever hold Izumi in his arms, still he savored the bittersweet pangs that pierced his heart.
To be continued
He loves me. He loves me not, the waves seemed to whisper as they rose and fell.
A movement on the swell caught his eye. He watched for a long time trying to make out what he was seeing until the tide washed a mess of mangled sticks, string, and paper onto the beach at his feet. A kite.
"You broke it," sighed the waves. "You broke it.
Takamiya picked up the wadded cord and tried to unravel the swollen knots but turned when he heard the sound of weeping beside him.
Izumi?
The boy was huddled next to him, his eyes dark pools of pain.
"You broke it," the boy accused.
"I didn't mean to. Can you forgive me?" Takamiya said as he reached out to comfort the sobbing youth.
"Of course not, you jerk!"
Takamiya woke up at 2 o'clock in the morning with a sick feeling of dread as the words echoed and re-echoed in his mind.
I shouldn't have kissed him again after he fainted that last time, thought Takamiya. He doesn't trust me, and why should he? I wasn't thinking about what he wanted. I was thinking about what I wanted.
"Of course not, you jerk!" the boy had said.
He wants to forget about what happened, Takamiya reflected. His memories aren't like mine. Every time he sees me, the wounds he's trying to heal open again. Maybe I should stay away from him.
But, I love him. Takamiya stared at the wall, and faced the hard question head-on.
But what if my love is hurting him?
Takamiya remembered the pain he had seen in Izumi's eyes and heard in his voice.
"Of course not, you jerk!" The phrase haunted the man.
If I really love him, maybe I need to let him go, Takamiya thought.
He could call Izumi's mother in the morning, and let her know he had a prior engagement and then simply let himself fade out of their lives. Then in a few weeks, he would be a distant memory and maybe that would be better for all concerned.
He could weather another broken heart, he was sure. All he needed to do was to throw himself into his work again. He'd done it when his father died, and when Shiki died. He did it after Julian left. It could work again if he lost Izumi.
Then, suddenly, he was close to tears because, in truth, he wasn't at all sure. He'd been lonely so long and when he met Izumi, so sure he'd found a chance of happiness again.
Takamiya sighed. He was not at all happy with any scenario that cut Izumi out of his life completely. Maybe he needed to look at the situation from another angle.
I'm blowing this out of proportion, he realized. I'm reacting to Izumi's anger. But given enough time, his anger will fade. Maybe all he needs is time to heal and some breathing room, and then I will ask again for his forgiveness. In any case, I have plenty to keep me busy while I'm waiting--finishing the next few chapters, finding an apartment to live in...
Although, it was only 2:30 in the morning, Takamiya wasn't sleepy in the slightest. He showered, made a pot of tea, dressed and threw himself into the adventure of rendering into Japanese, Adam Harford's Berlin adventures during the Cold War.
Room service brought breakfast at 7:30 in the morning. After finishing the scrambled eggs and crumpets with marmalade, Takamiya went back to work and was still hard at it some two hours later when the difficulty of finding an exact translation for the espionage term "safe houses" stymied him.
He sighed, stretched his shoulders and glanced at the clock. It was 10 AM. He suddenly recalled his appointment with the real estate agent was for noon, and that he needed to call Izumi's mother.
He dialed her number, and after he exchanged greetings, extended his regrets.
"I'm so sorry I didn't call earlier, but I've been working on a chapter for my editor, and I'm afraid I won't be able to come to dinner tonight. In fact, a number of things came up suddenly, so it might be a week or two before I see you both again."
"Oh, that's too bad, but I understand, Takamiya-san," she said. "I suppose it's just as well though, since Izumi went to stay at a friend's place, but please call again when your schedule allows. I'll be returning to work and Izumi starts his new semester next week, but we would love to have you visit any time you have an evening free."
"Thank you for your kindness," he said and then after a few more pleasantries, they hung up.
Takamiya sighed as he realized that Izumi had gone to stay with a friend most likely as a way of avoiding him.
He was a little surprised, but the fact Izumi had done it at all, drove home to him that the choice he made to allow the boy some space and time to heal was a good one.
Takamiya faxed the pages he'd completed to his editor, then shaved and went down to the hotel café for lunch. When he finished, he took the subway to his appointment at the real estate office.
"So, Takamiya-san," said Mrs. Yamato as she reviewed a number of listing cards with him, "I think any of these four apartments might meet with your approval, but this one," she gestured, "comes closest to meeting your needs. It's on a quiet, tree-lined street in the neighborhood you mentioned. Shopping and parks are within walking distance. It's a two-bedroom unit with a fully equipped modern kitchen and dining area. The tenant before you used the second bedroom as a study and had it wired for internet connectivity, so there is ample space for a desk and so forth and, of course, for your book collection. The master bedroom is spacious and has a full bath attached. There are also parking spaces available for an additional monthly charge."
"It does sound ideal," Takamiya agreed.
"Then let's go take a look at it," she suggested.
The trees lining the street in the prospective neighborhood were already decked out in pale green leaves of early spring.
"How lovely they are," said Takamiya. And only a twenty-minute walk from Izumi's house, he thought to himself.
"This apartment would suit me very well," he said to the realtor. "When could I move in?"
"As soon as we handle the financial arrangements and sign the rental agreements, the place is yours. Today, if you'd like."
"Yes, I'd like to get the paperwork done today. Then I can get my books out of storage and purchase some furniture. I'd like to be moved in by the first of the month."
Takamiya walked out of the realtor's office at two PM with the key to his new apartment in hand. He was back at his suite a mere half-hour later.
His energy was usually at low ebb in the afternoon. He made some tea and sat down with a novel, but the tea was not enough to restore him fully. After having lost so much sleep the night before, Takamiya dozed off. There were no disturbing dreams to wake him. He simply slept until he woke in the dimly lit room to the sound of rain pattering on the terrace windows.
He turned on the lamp, and reached for his tea. The cup was cold to the hand, so he poured it down the sink, filled the tea maker again and set it to brew. He went to the window and looked out into the bleak grayness as night fell on Shinjuku and the streetlights winked on.
A muddied half-moon peeped out from shredded clouds by fits and starts, but he could not see a single star in the sky, and every so often the wind would fling rain drops against the plate glass of the terrace door.
"Impossible view," sighed Takamiya. He was sure the new apartment would suit him better.
A sudden ring of the doorbell surprised him out of his reverie. He rarely had visitors. He knit his brows as he moved to open the door even as he asked, "Who is it?"
He was startled to see Izumi standing at the threshold soaked from head to foot with one of his shoes missing and his sock dripping wet.
"Izumi?"
The boy looked miserable and on the verge of tears.
"Come in," Takamiya said softly. When the boy just stood shivering with cold in the doorway, Takamiya took him gently by the arm and guided him in.
"Yes, that's right, take off your shoe, and that wet heavy jacket. A warm shower is what you need," said Takamiya as he led the way to the bathroom. "Here's a towel and a bathrobe. If you leave your wet clothes outside the door, I'll call hotel services and see about getting them cleaned and dried for you."
"Look," he told the boy, as he paused by the closet and pulled some clothing off hangers, "I've got a sweater and a pair of pants for you to wear. I'll set them on the dresser here. Sorry they're a little big, but they should be okay until you get your own clothes back. In the meantime, I'll make some hot tea," he said, and left Izumi his privacy.
Izumi said nothing in reply but did as he was told.
When Takamiya heard the spray of the shower, he went back into the bedroom and retrieved Izumi's wet garments, and called the hotel service desk.
One of the clerks from the staff arrived in minutes.
"The jacket needs mending," Takamiya said, as he pointed out the ripped seam to the woman.
"We will have them ready for you tomorrow morning,"the maid said as she took the wet clothes.
"My guest also lost the mate to his shoe," Takamiya said as he held up Izumi's sneaker, "Is there any chance..."
"I'll take it with me, sir. The concierge will send out a personal shopper to find a pair in a similar style.
"Thank you so much," said Takamiya as the maid took her leave.
Takamiya went into the kitchenette and set the hot teapot and cups on a tray while he pondered the mystery of Izumi's unexpected appearance on his doorstep. He walked back into the living room area and set the tray on the coffee table.
The way his clothes were disheveled--was he mugged or in a fight? Takamiya wondered as he looked out the terrace window into the night.
He heard the sound of footsteps and turned to see Izumi padding quietly down the hall with downcast eyes. Wearing the oversize sweater and with the cuffs of the trousers rolled up so he wouldn't trip on them, the boy looked more desirable than ever to Takamiya, but he had never seen him so dispirited.
"Did the shower warm you up," he asked Izumi as he poured the steaming tea into cups.
Izumi mumbled something inaudible in reply, and moved to sit in one of the chairs.
"Tea?" Takamiya offered, but Izumi shook his head.
The boy was so silent and subdued. Clearly there was something serious wrong.
Takamiya attempted to bridge what he felt was an awkward silence.
"I sent your clothes out to be cleaned," he said, "and they should be ready in the morning. There's another bed in the guest room, so it's okay if you stay overnight. Not that it wouldn't be fine to share a bed..." Takamiya's voice trailed off as he realized how bad that must sound to the boy, so he quickly changed the subject, saying, "So what brings you here so late in the day?"
A sudden gust of rain on the windows muffled Izumi's murmured reply.
"What was that?" Takamiya asked.
In a sudden lull, he heard the boy's words clearly.
"Hold me."
The request stunned Takamiya, and time stood still while he tried to grasp the meaning of it. Eons passed, it seemed, between each breath he took. To have the person he loved return to him against all expectation was a blessing that he could scarcely credit. He was not about to refuse the boy whatever comfort he might need.
Takamiya had no conscious awareness of how he bridged the distance between them. He only knew that one moment he was sitting in his chair and the next his thumb was tracing the soft curve of Izumi's lips, hands cradling his head, eyes caressing the troubled face he held. Then his lips descended on the mouth he longed for and he kissed Izumi, their chests so close, he could feel the heavy thumping of their hearts until the world fell away and passion claimed him.
Takamiya swept the boy up into his arms and glided down the hall to the bedroom. His lips never left Izumi's even when he placed the boy's body on the bed and slid onto it after him. He slipped his tongue into Izumi's unresisting mouth, his fingers tenderly brushing the tousled hair from the boy's smooth forehead.
And then he wanted more and took his lips away to say, "Izumi..."
The sight of unshed tears on the youth's eyelids awakened a feeling of ardent tenderness in Takamiya. "Izumi, give me your tongue," he whispered.
Hesitantly, shyly, the boy did as he was bid, and when the man sucked it softly, the youth let out a moan that inflamed Takamiya's desire. He broke the kiss to slide his hand slowly up beneath the sweater Izumi wore, fingertips in search of the swollen bud of a nipple. Eyes intent on Izumi's face, the man watched the youth shudder at his touch, but when the boy groaned in response, it seemed to Takamiya that there was more pain than pleasure in it. Alarmed, he stopped mid-stroke and drew his hand away. He would not repeat the mistake he made on the day they first met.
"Izumi?" he asked.
Face and body shaking with emotion, eyes glistening, brimming with tears, Izumi clenched his hands in anger, "You're the bad one! Not me!" he shouted as he rose from the bed and punched Takamiya in the jaw.
The unexpected blow caught Takamiya off-guard and sent him staggering to the floor. When he got to his feet, Izumi was lying across the bed, head buried in his hands, sobbing his heart out.
The boy's apparent agony made the slight pain of Takamiya's bruised chin seem pale by comparison.
The man wanted to help in whatever way he could, but he didn't know what the problem was.
"What's wrong, Izumi? Please, calm down. Can't you tell me what's wrong, "he asked.
The boy struggled to master his emotions. With his fists on the coverlet, Izumi finally steeled himself to exclaim, "I've definitely....become a homo!" and after one tortured glance at Takamiya, he hid his face in his hands again and wailed even more bitterly than before.
Takamiya had at least a partial answer now about what was causing Izumi's pain. It was rooted in feelings about homosexuality.
The man had long since come to terms with his own sexual orientation and was comfortable with it. It was an essential part of who he was as a person and he was not ashamed. He did know others who were racked with guilt and pain over it because of their upbringing, the reactions of their families and of society.
Only two nights before, Izumi had declared to Takamiya, "I am not a homo!" Two days later, he was certain he was one. What was clear to the man now, was that the boy was not certain of anything at the moment.
Izumi must be so confused now, the man thought. No wonder he's crying.
Though Takamiya's first instinct was to gather the boy in his arms and hug away the pain, he feared his touch might make things worse.
I'd better let him cry himself out, the man thought.
He placed a box of Kleenex within reach and left the room to get the tea tray.
The liquid in the cups was only tepid now, so Takamiya went to the sink, emptied them and refilled the tea maker with water. He found himself wondering again, as he measured leaves into the tea ball, just what had happened to Izumi that afternoon.
If the boy had another homosexual experience, by the looks of things, it had been a violent one, and the thought that Izumi might have been raped, made Takamiya queasy.
When the tea was ready, he set the cups, the pot, and some lemon slices on the tray and carried it up the hall to the bedroom to find Izumi dabbing away the last of his tears.
The boy was sitting tailor-fashion on the bed. He looked much calmer, if a little embarrassed, and utterly adorable in the over-sized clothes, Takamiya couldn't help thinking.
"Feeling better?" the man asked as sat down on the edge of the bed, poured the steaming beverage into the cups and handed one to Izumi.
Izumi nodded and said, "Thank you."
Encouraged by the polite response and more open manner, Takamiya thought the boy might be ready to talk.
"What happened to you today, Izumi? You'll feel better if tell someone about it."
Izumi took another sip of tea and began, "I went to visit my friend, Konno, this morning."
Takamiya was immediately suspicious of this Konno person and wondered if he was the culprit in whatever happened.
"So what happened with your friend?" asked Takamiya, making a conscious effort to keep his tone neutral.
"Oh, we played video games for a while, but then he had to leave. He's on a trip with his girl friend," Izumi explained, and Takamiya's jealous conjectures about Konno evaporated.
"Anyway, Izumi continued, "He lent me the key to his apartment so I could watch the place for him. I wasn't there long when I accidentally stumbled onto his porn collection and I...watched some."
"What kind was it?" Takamiya asked with natural curiosity. "Men and women or...?"
Izumi nodded. "Yeah, men and women, and a lot of it was really weird, but some of it was normal. I even had ginseng drinks, but whatever great stuff I watched, um," he hesitated, "and that one girl was really pretty, but even so, I was surprised that I wasn't...I mean...that I didn't...uh, that is...that I couldn't..." Izumi paused for so long that Takamiya finished the sentence for him.
"So, you didn't get an erection, I take it," the man said.
"Yeah," Izumi admitted, "and I wondered if...well...you know...what happened the other night..."
The boy couldn't meet Takamiya's eyes as he said this but continued anyway, "On TV, sometimes on talk shows, I've heard lots of stories about guys who've been raped or seduced and wake up to a side of themselves they didn't know was there. You know what I mean? Homo."
"Um, well, that's kind of..." Takamiya trailed off. Now he didn't know quite what to say, but Izumi filled in the gap.
"...Anyway, I thought if I watched some homo porn, it would make things clear to me, so I went to that place, the Rose Playhouse."
The Rose Playhouse, thought Takamiya with a sinking feeling. Even among gays that place had a bad reputation.
"But in the washroom," Izumi continued, "there were these two guys working together..."
The bathroom is the most dangerous place, thought Takamiya with dismay.
"What happened there?" the man asked, dreading the answer.
"Well, there was a big fight," said Izumi. "The big guy grabbed me and then the other guy..."
Takamiya's stomach lurched and plunged as he listened to the details.
"...well, they knocked my hat off in the scuffle," the boy went on, "and I lost my shoe and my money when they wrecked my jacket...It was a dangerous situation, seriously bad..."
Takamiya waited in horror for the rest of the story.
"...but nothing happened, so that's good," Izumi finished with an air of total nonchalance.
Takamiya made a strangled sound as he dropped to his knees and stretched his arms out on the bed in an attitude of surrender or thanksgiving.
"What's wrong?" asked the boy.
Takamiya stood up and said, "I'm just so relieved. I thought for sure those guys had raped you, for crying out loud. It was kind of a shock to the system," he said as he picked up his teacup and calmed himself with another sip.
"And after that, you came to my place?" Takamiya asked. "But I thought coming here was a terrible thing for you, so why did you come?"
Izumi didn't bother with the story he'd prepared on the way to the hotel about borrowing money for the subway.
"Because I needed to know for sure," the boy said with his face utterly serious. His voice shook as he said his next words, "Takamiya, you're a homo..."
Homo he says, thought Takamiya Yes, I am. But, what does he want of me, if not that?
"I..." the boy struggled to find the right words. "What should I do?"
The boy stood up and searched Takamiya's face as though he might find an answer there.
"What can I do to heal myself?" Izumi asked finally as tears spilled down his cheeks.
Damn, thought Takamiya, I thought something terrible had happened.
But when he realized how deep the boy's anguish ran, the man was overcome by feelings of pity and love. He reached out instantly to draw him into a hug.
"It's okay, Izumi," he whispered reassurance. "It's okay."
There were lies he might have told, other truths he might have told, but Takamiya said what would give the greatest comfort.
"There's nothing wrong with you. It's just a part of growing up. You'll be fine. Right now, though you might not think so, all you need is a good night's sleep and you'll wake up hale and hearty tomorrow. Right?"
"All right," said Izumi, voice trembling, as he clung to Takamiya and wet the sleeve of the man's shirt with his tears.
Takamiya had been sure that the boy would be in a hurry to pull away from his embrace when the tears stopped, but Izumi rested in his arms long after they dried. The small fact made the man strangely happy as he felt wave upon wave of tenderness and love for Izumi flow through him.
Although for all the man knew, this might be the last time he would ever hold Izumi in his arms, still he savored the bittersweet pangs that pierced his heart.
To be continued
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