Categories > Games > Dynasty Warriors > Crazy Days in Wei

Pork Bun Vender

by WindsOfEternity 0 reviews

Xu Zhu starts his own Pork Bun Business and everyone loves it! However, the next day...

Category: Dynasty Warriors - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Characters: Cao Pi,Cao Ren,Sima Yi,Xu Zhu,Zhang He,Zhang Liao - Published: 2005-09-03 - Updated: 2010-11-24 - 3109 words

Chapter 3: Pork Bun Vender

It was a typical sunny day, sunlight emitting the hottest heat rays during this summer in Xu Chang. Xu Zhu had stationed himself in the palace kitchen, making his favorite pork bun while Zhang He persistently wiped the sweat pouring from Xu Zhu's forehead. Minute by minute, pork buns rapidly piled up in the pan next to them, ready to be eaten.

Zhang He eagerly watched the Pork Bun master in action. "My, what are you going to do with all those buns?" He asked curiously, popping up in front of Xu Zhu's face. Xu Zhu brought out an abacus and rose it up into the air.

"I am going to be a Pork Bun Vender!" He said excitedly. With the last pork bun made, the obese general carried his pan out of the kitchen and to the street. Zhang He amusingly followed him, helping the general set up his table at the market.

An hour later, all preparations were done. "Well Xu Zhu, I have other things to do, so I'll see you around." Zhang He waved farewell to the Tiger General, who returned the gesture tenfolds better, and returned to the palace, walking sexily as men gawked at him.

"Oh my god, who is that woman? She is so beautiful..." A random young man spoke out loud. His companion slapped him on the head.

"You stupid moron! That's General Zhang He!" He screamed at the random man. Ten feet away from them, a beefy butcher laughed at the two.

"He wouldn't mind if ya're interested in him. Go and give him a try." The butcher winked and the random man began to follow Zhang He, but didn't get as far through the palace doors.

Dian Wei folded his arms, towering over the meek young man. "State your business." His cold face frowns at the man. The random man's legs were now trembling in fear. To save embarrassment, his friend yanked him away from the palace gates, and they are never to be seen in the story again.

In the meantime, Xu Zhu had his first customer. With a dorky smile, Xu Zhu greeted the person. It was Pang De. "Hello my friend. Would you like to buy a pork bun from me?" Pang De picked up a pork bun from the pot, observing it at all angles. He took a big sniff at it, making sure the thing wasn't poisoned.

"Smells delicious my oversized friend. I would like to buy three for Cao Ren, Zhang Liao and myself." He said, taking another pork bun out and giving Xu Zhu 300 Gold coins. "Thanks." The helmeted general walked off, juggling the pork bun in his hand.

Xu Zhu stared at the gold on his pudgy big hands. He had never seen so much shiny coins in his hands..."Ooh...purty.." The Wei general said obsessively, which attracted another person to come by his stand. It was Sima Yi, and he wasn't looking too happy. Seems like he got a bad case of PMS or something.

"Xu Zhu!!!" The Wei strategist screamed into his face. "What are YOU doing out here selling pork buns when you should be in the palace training for the upcoming battles!?" As he was fuming, he randomly grabbed a pork bun without asking and took a graceful bite out of it. His angry face suddenly brighten up like a light bulb. "Xu Zhu...did you make this wonderful piece of nuts?" He inquired but before he was answered he continued to devour more of them ravenously.

"Yes, Mr. Strategist sir!" The chubby man answered with his hands raised up. Sima Yi stopped eating after putting five pork buns in his stomach. He came to Xu Zhu's side, waving his fan like Zhuge Liang.

"My friend, you and I got pork bun business to discuss." He said and attempted to drag him to the side to prevent anyone from eavesdropping in his magnificent scheme. Before he could even do that though, Xu Zhu pulled him back to his abacus.

"That'll be 500 Gold for eating five of my pork buns, Mr. Sima Yi." Xu Zhu said happily, opening his hands out for the gold. Sima Yi angrily gave the man 500 Gold and pulled him once again to the side to discuss pork bun matters.

In the meantime, at Pang De's room...

Pang De handed the pork buns to Zhang Liao and Cao Ren. Both of them gulped before taking a bite. Upon that first bite, the two generals looked at each other in awe of the magnificent taste of the pork bun. "Where did you bought this, my friend?" Zhang Liao asked Pang De.

"I walked by Xu Zhu's stand and noticed he had no customers. So I went to check it out." Pang De answered his friend. As Zhang Liao and Pang De was talking, Cao Ren attempted to steal the remains of Zhang Liao's pork bun, but received a slap on his hand. "Cao Ren, Xu Zhu has tons of them at his place. You don't have to resort to such inappropriate behavior."

Cao Ren made a sad puppy face and walked to Xu Zhu's pork bun stand. Upon arrival, a crowd of people were hustling to buy at the stand. Cao Ren tackled through the horde of people preventing him from getting a delicious pork bun. After five minutes of pushing, shoving, throwing, kicking and beating, the customers were on the ground with lumps and bruises all over their body. Only Cao Ren prevailed. "Pork bun please, Xu Zhu." He said, but noticed there was no more in the pot.

"I'm terribly sorry Mr. Cao Ren, but you'll have to come tomorrow." Xu Zhu said cheerily as he put up a closed sign. With his abacus, bags of gold, pot and stalking Sima Yi, he walked back to the palace. Cao Ren was now on the floor, crying with his hands raised to the sky, "NOOOO!!!" The birds were disturbed by his voice and scattered away from the tree nearby. A birdling bombed right on top of his head. "Aww..poop!" He said in defeat, and walked back to the Wei palace with a gloomy face.

When Cao Ren returned, Zhang Liao and Pang De rushed to him, eagerly searching him for pork buns, but only found his load of gold and the poop on his head. Liao tasted it to see if it was sugar cream but spitted the remainings at Cao Ren after licking it. "What the heck is that crap on your head?" With curiousity, Pang De followed his friend's example and was about to lick the white stuff using his fingers but Zhang Liao slapped his hand away from his mouth. "Don't eat. It's nasty. So, where's the pork buns?"

Cao Ren could only say two words. "Ran out."

Liao and Pang De were bummed out, but that didn't stop them from thinking of ideas. "Let's go tell Xu Zhu to make some especially for us!" Zhang Liao suggested. He was the brains out of all of the three.

Cao Ren beamed with happiness, realizing he may still have a chance to eat more yummy pork buns. "Liao, you're a genius!" And together, the trio walked all around the palace to find Xu Zhu. He was no where to be found in his room, nor the kitchen or the dining room. With fatigue, Cao Ren collapsed to the floor before the other two. "...Where..can"

A second later, Pang De fell to the floor as well. "...I..don't know..but ..I'm dead..tired.." And gave up the chase. Only Zhang Liao was up and he was still determined to get more pork buns.

"Weaklings...I'll go find him myself." He said, continuing ahead as he left his fellow generals on the floor. Walking down the little passageway, the voice from a mirror stopped him. It was the ghost of Guo Jia, here to haunt the Wei generals again. "What do you want, ghost?"

With a sly look, the pale ghost responded in an annoying tone. "Nothing...."

Zhang Liao was about to break the mirror for sidetracking him from his pork bun quest, but decided that Guo Jia probably knew where Xu Zhu went. "Hey ex-strategist, do you know where Xu Zhu went?"

The ghost smiled. "You have to ask me in the proper way...." He reminded the Wei general, which almost caused his fist to strike upon the glass. But Zhang Liao knew that if he cope with the ghost, he'd probably get his reward.

"....Mirror mirror on the wall, where is Xu Zhu the Tiger General?"

Guo Jia answered in a creepy voice. "He is where you do not expect him at all..." With that, his ghastly form disappeared from the silver mirror, which Zhang Liao broke a second later. What kind of a clue is that? Xu Zhu could be anywhere!..The general said to himself.

And that day continued on with Zhang Liao searching for Xu Zhu the pork bun man...


Inside of Xu Zhu's secret room, Sima Yi was pushing a bundle of gold to the Pork Bun Vender. "I'll hire you as my chef for 10000 Gold. That is a lot of money, do you know that? So what do you say?"

Xu Zhu's eyes were switching from the Gold to his pork bun...The money was tempting, but his pork buns were saying something to him...something like 'Don't trust Mr.Sima 'cuz he will use you silly.' "No thank you Mr. Sima Yi," Xu Zhu said, taking the advice of his pork bun. "I don't want to be working for someone else than Mr. Cao Cao."

Sima Yi exhaled a large breath to cover up the anger in his voice. "If you say so my flubbery friend. However you are going to regret losing big money from rejecting my proposal." The strategist said and fanned himself as he walked out of the room. Xu Zhu was lost. How was he going to lose money from rejecting Sima Yi's plan? Before he could even think of anything else, Zhang Liao came barging in.

"So you were in your room, but in the secret compartment!" Liao exclaimed and he gripped onto the collar of Xu Zhu's vest. "You know how long it took Cao Ren, Pang De and I to find your fat ass?" The angry general asked.

Xu Zhu wiggled his pudgy finger. "No Zhang Liao, you mean 'you know how long it took me to find your fat ass?'" The pork bun man corrected.

Zhang Liao growled. "Whatever! Now give us some pork buns! You made Pang De and Cao Ren crazy with those things!" With that, Xu Zhu easily handed Liao ten pork buns. He didn't want to face the wrath of the crazy tiger general who valiantly fought in the Battle of He Fei. "Thanks, piggy. Now I must return to my friends!"

"Hey! My name is Xu Zhu, not piggy!" The general said as he stuck out his tongue at the departing man. "Hmm...I wonder what should I do right now..." He said to himself as he propped his hand on the table to support his double chin. Finally after an hour of thinking, Xu Zhu came up with an idea. "I should start stocking up more pork buns to sell for the morrow! I think I'll get General Zhang He to help me!" He said and skipped happily to Zhang He's room.

When Zhang He heard the loud trembling steps from outside, he assumed it was either Xu Zhu, Dian Wei or a very drunk Cao Ren. He was in the middle of taking down his hair to go to bed. "By the gods, lighten your steps a bit will you! Keep this up and everyone will think a rockslide is happening nearby!" The butterfly general hissed. From the other side of the door, Xu Zhu could be heard apologizing for his fault. Noticing his cooking friend's voice, Zhang He's tone changed. "Oh it's only you Pork Bun Master! Please enter the room. How may I help you?"

Xu Zhu anxiously entered the room. "Well...can you help me make pork buns to sell tomorrow?"

Zhang He's eyes widen. "This late? Don't you think they will go bad by tomorrow?"

"Not if I put it in my super duper cooking pan that Mr. Cao Cao presented me for my birthday!" Xu Zhu said and held Zhang He's hand, taking him to the kitchen. During the trip, Zhang He was trying to pry himself off of Xu Zhu, repetitively whining that he need his beauty rest. "Oh come on, a little bit of hours taken from your rest is not that bad!"

"Yes it is! I get horrible looking bags under my beautiful violet eyes!" Zhang He lamented. "If that happens, Lord Sima Yi will never look at me!"

Xu Zhu laughed mentally. He knew that Lord Sima Yi never eyed Zhang He with interest in the first place, but the pork bun man didn't want to say anything mean. "I'm sure other people will look at you!" Xu Zhu responded. Zhang He growled, gave up the verbal battle and agreed upon helping Xu Zhu make pork buns for tomorrow's sale. "Oh yeah," The Pork Bun Master said to break the silence as the buns were cooking, "Can you participate in tomorrow's sale so Mr. Sima Yi won't bother me with his evil crafty plans?"

Zhang He beamed. "With pleasure! I'll be your life-size Sima Yi repellent!" After hearing those words, Xu Zhu jumped with joy. No more Mr. Sima Yi to threaten him!


Sadly when the two men checked the pork buns in the morning, only a crumb was found on the stove. Xu Zhu fell on the floor, rolling on the tiles as he cried like a baby as Zhang He tried to consolidate the obese man. "It must be Sima Yi who took our pork buns!" Zhang He jumped to conclusions. "He wanted to make profit from your amazing food! But have no fear my dear Pork Bun Master, I'll get that hot piece of hunk for you!" With that, Zhang He musoued his way down the halls and through Sima Yi's walls.

Sima Yi, who heard the sound of his walls being broken through, woke up startled. "Who the hell dares disturb my peaceful slumber!?" He demanded. However when he saw Zhang He, his whole body went hiding in the covers. "Eek! Get away from me, you queer!"

Zhang He leaped onto Sima Yi's bed and tried yanking the covers off him. "If you give me back Xu Zhu's porkbuns, then I won't pester you no more!" He continued to pull and was secretly thinking of tying the strategist onto his bed for interrogation.

"What are you talking about! Xu Zhu never gave me his pork buns to begin with!" Sima Yi yelled at the Butterfly General's ears. "You don't even have proof to prove that I'm guilty!"

When Sima Yi's head popped out of the blankets, Zhang He slickly planted a kiss on the man's forehead. "Okay, I love you, bye bye!" And ran off to tell Xu Zhu of the news. In the meantime, Sima Yi was pondering about the thievery.

"Who else would steal Xu Zhu's pork buns for the exception of myself?" He thought aloud. Grabbing his oddly looking spectacle and personalized book, Sima Yi set out himself to find clues of the missing pork buns.

During the first hour of searching, Sima Yi encountered the previous strategist of Wei who had died but his spirit lived in a mirror. "Hey, Guo Jia!" Sima yelled into the mirror. The pale apparition raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, yeah..I know I don't usually speak to you, but have you seen anyone carry a ton loads of pork buns?"

"Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell your ugly face." The ghost replied and disappeared. Before Guo Jia left to find more clues, he spat at the mirror and soaked it with urine. That'll teach that man a lesson!

Unluckily, Cao Pi and Zhen Ji walked down that same hall with the mirror that Sima Yi peed on. "Holy mother of God!" Zhen Ji whined and pinched in her nose. "Who is so barbaric to do such things!?" She asked her husband.

"It must be that Dian Wei! He threw us in the lake like stray dogs that other time!" Cao Pi told his wife. "Let's go teach that uncivilized man a lesson!" Together, the two couples left in search for Dian Wei, whom they found easily at the front gate. "Baldy, stop marking your territory in the palace!" Cao Pi commanded. Dian Wei rolled his eyes as he picked up the both of them and threw them into the streets.

"No one shall cause disruption at the palace gates." Dian Wei stated like a robot.

Now we will go back to Sima Yi's clue searching. The ambitious man finally found a trail of pork buns that might lead to clues. "I bet to myself that the thief is that stupid Cao Cao!" Sima said to himself. But the trail of buns led to a place he didn't expected. In the room of the bad ass one-eyed general Xiahou Dun.

Praying to himself before entering, Sima Yi cautiously went inside the room before knocking and was nearly cut down to size. The general had his sword in hand, stancing in a defensive position. Sima Yi gulped. "You're not going to kill me to keep your secret low, are you?" The tactician said, trying to hint the general that he knew of his heinous deed.

"What are you talking about? Do you know something I don't know?" The one-eyed general inquired.

Sima Yi thought the man was playing dumb. "How do you explain the trail of pork buns leading to your room?"

"Those? Lord Cao Cao rewarded them to me." The general said honestly. "Truly, I don't have a taste for such plain food. It tastes like a bunch of crap to me. You can have it if you want!" He said, pushing the pot to the strategist.

Sima Yi took the pot and left to Xu Zhu. Even though he wanted to make a profit out of the big man's delicious food, he didn't have the heart to do it at the moment. "I guess I'll do it another day." So Sima Yi returned the pork buns to Xu Zhu. However, he regretted doing that...since Zhang He rewarded him with a kiss to the lips!
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