FicWad

Chapter Four: Camping at Mount Ding Jun

The wind blew calmly as a certain Wei tactician gazed out into the clear skies. A week passed since the Pork Bun event and Sima Yi was ready to take a break from the chaos in the Wei palace. Xiahou Yuan and his family invited all of the Wei folks to Mount Ding Jun to experience wildlife and survival. Sima Yi shivered as he remembered the incident as if it was yesterday...

Sima Yi was occupied with scheming the assassination of Cao Cao when a little runt barged into his room. "Mr. Sima Yi, Mr. Sima Yi! Wanna go camping with us?" The chubby boy jumped as he yelled aloud. With one swift kick, Sima Yi sent the boy flying straight out of his room. "I'm going to tell Cow Cow about your evil plans!" The kid stuck out his tongue and started to run in the direction of Cao Cao's room until Sima Yi grabbed the collar of the kid's shirt.

"If you say a word, I'm going to use your body as the meat of my pork bun!"

"I wont tell Cow Cow if you come camping with us!"

"Shit. Damn stupid kid."

However, that was really not the problem. Even if the kid tried to tell Cao Cao, that pervert wouldn't lend his ear into listening what the kid had to say. The problem was...

Sima Yi tied up little Xiahou De then carried him onto his shoulders. "You're going back to your father, you little punk!" With that, the Wei strategist took off towards Xiahou Yuan's room. It wasn't a long walk to the child's father's room. Stumbling at the front steps, Sima attempted to open the door but someone else got to it first from the inside.

"Why hello beautiful! Are you here to sign up for the camping trip?" Sima's most hated general Zhang He bounced right in front of him. "If so, you don't have to! I already signed you up!" Zhang He said happily and planted a kiss on Sima Yi's forehead before skipping away.

"What the...noooooooooo!!!" Sima Yi cried, dropping poor little Xiahou De onto the ground. This Zhang He never gives up on his unrequited love! All of a sudden, the kid started bleeding profusingly. Sima Yi leaped into the garden pond to rid any remnants ofZhang He's disgusting kiss while little Xiahou De died in front of his father's room.

Xiahou Yuan finally appeared at the door, laughing insanely as he stared at his son's deceased body. Taking out a scroll, he crossed out Xiahou De's name. "One kid down, thirteen more to go."

Xiahou Yuan's odd reaction towards his son's death and Zhang He's presence made Sima Yi regret coming on this trip. Yet he couldn't do anything about it since seeing Xiahou Yuan cross his own son's name happily off a scroll gave Sima Yi the hibbity-jibbities. He didn't dare approach the brother of the one-eyed general! Strangely, everyone in the Xiahou family is creepy in some sort...

"Why me?" Sima Yi lamented to himself as he pretended to ask Buddha the question. He demanded for an answer as he raised his hands up, but something latched onto his leg. "What the-oh it's only YOU."

Xiahou Ba, the oldest child of Xiahou Yuan started making puppy eyes at Sima Yi. "Uncle Sima, there's this freaky mirror in Uncle Zhang He's tent that talks! Can you blow it into bits?" The handsome boy questioned. "You're the strongest man I know!"

Seeing that Xiahou Ba complimented on his abilities, Sima Yi didn't waste any time and cockily marched towards the Butterfly General's tent. "Mwahuahua! You better run if you're in there Guo Jia! If you don't come out in five minutes, I am charging in there for you!" Sima Yi yelled from the exterior of the tent. Taking out his black feather fan, Sima Yi prepared to unleash his poison magic in case his stalker comes out.

Zhang He, who was occupied with staring at himself in front of the mirror perked up once Sima's boasting voice reached into his eardrums. "Oh wonderful! Lord Sima Yi is here to take me on a date around the mountain path!" The general squealed happily and began to powder his face up. "I must look beautiful for my lovely Sima Yi!"

Guo Jia appeared into the glass of the mirror when he realized that Sima Yi was calling him. "I believe the current strategist is asking me out. Not you." Guo Jia revealed to the general.

Zhang He opened his ears from his singing to the voices outside. He started to wail when he noticed the former strategist was correct in his statement. "How come you guys never told me that you were an item!" The assumptions were starting to hurt the poor Wei general.

Guo Jia chuckled. "I never knew myself."

With one toss, Zhang He threw the mirror possessed of Guo Jia's spirit outside of his tent without hesitation. "I hope the both of you have a wonderful date! Give him a smackeroo for me!"

The instant the mirror landed on the ground, Sima Yi blew it into pieces with his dark magic. "Hurray for Uncle Sima! He defeated the evil mirror of the Witch Zhang He!" Exclaimed Xiahou Ba. Twelve other kids joined in the victory chant as they tossed Sima Yi into the air. "Hurray, hurray!"

In the mirror inside of Zhang Liao's tent, Guo Jia smirked. "It'll take more than your stupid magic to defeat me." He said as he returned back into a dormant state inside the atoms of the mirror. Zhang Liao who was reading inside of his room, got the chills when he heard a soft voice speaking unexpectedly.

"Who's there?" The valiant general of He Fei called out uneasily. In the meantime, Sima Yi sneezed uncontrollably which caused him to fall onto the twelve kids who were carrying him. Four kids died suffocating under Sima Yi's large robe.

Out of the blue, Xiahou Yuan sneaked behind the strategist and children. "Four down, nine more to go." He crossed the names Xiahou Wen, Pi, Li and Xe off his list and returned back to the camp's bonfire. Sima Yi shivered once again from the actions of his superior's cousin. Perhaps plotting for the downfall of the Xiahous would also be a wise idea along with exterminating Cao Cao.

Outside of the chaos, Xu Zhu occupied himself with making pork buns around the bonfire proximity. Pang De and Cao Ren surrounded the Pork Bun Master as he rapidly cooked myriads of pork buns. "Now, I'll make a batch for Dian Wei so he can protect our camp all night long!" The obese man stated happily and started rolling flour around the cooked pork meat. Cao Ren stealthily attempted to steal a couple for Zhang Liao and himself but received a smack to the head from Xu Zhu's spatula. "Bad Mr. Cao Ren! You'll have to wait for your turn!"

Cao Ren pouted and returned to Liao's tent, where he saw his colleague cowering in the corner of the tent. "What are you doing there, Liao? I thought you had to finish that one scroll for Yue Jin so he can cheat his way through the system and obtain a rank similar to Li Dian's."

Zhang Liao whimpered. "I hear dead people..."

"What?" Cao Ren scanned the surroundings of the tent for any visible soundwaves. "I don't see or hear them!"

Zhang Liao smacked his friend's head. "Over there..." He pointed to the mountain of clothes piled up on top of the mirror Guo Jia resided in. Cao Ren leaped into the pile of clothes to scare of whatever hid in them. "Thanks, Ren."

"No problem."

Meanwhile, Cao Pi and Zhen Ji endulged themselves in the neighboring hot springs. "I told you this camping trip would be great for vacation!" Cao Pi told his wife as she scrubbed his curvy, clean back.

Zhen Ji sighed. "It will be wonderful as long as we're no where near that crossdresser and bald man." She said, hinting the two people to be Zhang He and Dian Wei. After their bath was done, the couple snuck into some bushes to change but unfortunately met with a nemesis. Dian Wei was in the process of plucking out the black feathers of Zhen Ji's dress. "How dare you ruin my dress, you horrendous monster!" Zhen Ji shrieked and began attacking the Coming Evil with her Moon Flute.

"This is the last straw!" Cao Pi exclaimed and took out his double sided sword. "No matter how much my father values you, I will not allow you to insult us any more!" Cao Pi charged towards Dian Wei with all his rage powering him. But the large bald man defeated the couple with one throw and sent both of them back into the hot springs. With the feathers he plucked from Zhen Ji's dress, he ran back to camp searching for the one who can give him hair, Cao Ren.

The frogs were croaking loudly at the pool of water nearby when Cao Pi realized something. "That baldy saw us without our clothes!" When Zhen Ji heard that, she sank into the water after falling unconscious but was saved by her raging husband. "I'll get you one day, Dian Wei!" He fumed while shaking his mighty fist in the air. "No one messes with us and get away with it!"

Back at the camp, Dian Wei entered Zhang Liao's tent. "Is Cao Ren here?" He asked, scrutinizing the messy room. It appeared to him a tornado came through Liao's room. Zhang Liao pointed at the pile of scattered clothing from the protective corner he's been cowering at for hours.

From the call of his name, Cao Ren emerged out of the objects covering him. "I think I scared that ghost back to the afterlife!" He declared triumphantly and stopped when he saw Dian Wei. "Oh hello my friend! You're here to get rid of your baldness problem?" The Coming Evil nodded after that question and handed Cao Ren the black feathers. "Excellent! I shall process your wig this instant!" With god speed, Cao Ren immediately set himself to work as Zhang Liao watched his friend with curious eyes.

Far away in another camp, Cao Cao took out his super-duper telescope to spy on his generals. He changed the magnification to one-hundred times power as he drooled at the sight of his daughter-in-law's attractive figure.

"My lord, is the weather too hot for you today? Perhaps I can help take off that velvet blue robe that's causing your skin to burn like fire and your nose to bleed out like water!" Li Dian offered as he wiped the dripping blood with a handkerchief. Afterwards, he attempted in helping Cao Cao disrobe but the Lord of Chaos shook his head in disdain. "What's wrong? Aren't you dying in that majestic robe?"

"Hands off, Li Dian. I don't swing that way."

"My intentions for disrobing you wasn't to get to your Sword of Light, oh great one."

"Sure...now leave me along before I change my mind and send you back to Xu Chang for latrine duty!" Cao Cao threatened evilly. He was angry because Li Dian was taking him away from his daughter-in-law's ungarbed figure. Li Dian hastily picked up his feet and ran the instant his Lord said latrine. "Now I shall return back to sightseeing..." The Lord mumbled to himself as he remained gazing at every women he came across on the telescope.

Dian Wei's wig was finished an hour later. He now possess unruly fluffy hair like a blitzball player in the world of Spira but of course we can't speak more of that here since that world doesn't exist in this fiction. Everyone couldn't tear their eyes away from him as he robotically strolled through the campsite with his new hairdo.

"Hey, isn't it that big guy who likes to tower over the pretty couple?" Xiahou Hui asked his brother Xiahou Ba. His brother nodded with confidence. " He seems rather cool looking right now, eh?"

"Yeah!" Xiahou Lien agreed cheerfully. "I think I'll call him....Uncle Dian Wei!"

Xiahou Ba sweatdropped while looking at his sister weirdly. "That's already his name, stupid." Dian Wei smirked from hearing the children's comments. He was finally cool to the children! Now he must show everyone how manly he can get! He couldn't think of anything at the moment but he have five days to show everyone what he can do!

Xu Huang ran passed Dian Wei and the kids with a big lump of meat. "I caught us something to last us for the night. It's better than eating those plain pork buns." Upon hearing those words, Sima Yi, Zhang Liao, Cao Ren and Pang De came out of their tents disagreeing with Xu Huang's opinion in unison.

"If I were to get a hand on all those pork buns, I wouldn't be here right now but somewhere as a wealthy merchant!-" Sima Yi whined as he began to fantasize about his ambitions.

"-If those pork buns were so plain, I wouldn't be scheming to steal some at this moment!" Cao Ren admitted.

"-I broke a couple of mirrors trying to find those plain pork buns you spoke of! I can imagine how many years of bad luck I'm going to get..." Zhang Liao fessed up. "I just heard a creepy voice talking to me a-"

"-I licked a puddle of uric acid thinking it was a pork bun! I resort to stealing because of those pork buns! I don't think your dinner can surpass that!" Pang De said in honesty, while trying to hide the red tinge forming in his cheeks. Sima Yi could be seen turning purple from this confession.

One Xiahou kid was seen choking on a piece of raw meat that Xu Huang brought. Xu Zhu tried saving the poor kid but his efforts were in vain. He died a couple of minutes later from suffocation. Xiahou Yuan appeared behind a tree a second after the kid died, crossing out the name Xiahou Yan from his scroll. "One down, eight more to go." And returned back to his activities afterwards. The kid's death was not taken seriously by anyone, and everyone resumed back to their normal mood.

Xu Huang hacked the big piece of meat into thin edible strips with his axe and placed them onto sticks for everyone to hold above the fire. He warned the children about fire hazards and cautiously watched them as he became the camp's butcher. Xu Zhu stood next to the axe-wielder, making side dishes for dinner.

"I'm bored." Cheng Yu, another Wei tactician, complained to himself. Apparently no one noticed the dude since he was so unimportant in the crew. "Perhaps I can doze off and dream about holding the sun on the tip of my fingers again..."

"You ramble too much for someone who doesn't give good opinion in meetings." Sima Yi remarked evilly as he sat beside the placid tactician.

"You're in the same boat as I am." Cheng Yu replied calmly while fanning himself. Sima Yi sent glaring daggers at the older strategist for speaking out ludicrous words. "That look on your face can kill hundreds of men."

"Why, thank you. Well, since you're boring me and everyone else looking at us, I'm going to do something more exciting." Sima Yi laughed coolly as he walked away fanning himself in the process.

While Sima Yi walked away from the oh so boring Cheng Yu, Zhang He came out of his tent to glomp his favorite man. "Oh, I'm so happy! I heard from Xiahou Ba that you broke up with Guo Jia!"

Sima Yi pried off the Butterfly General who clutch onto his right arm. "That's right, I broke that Guo Jia into pieces!" He said and laughed victoriously while stomping on some glass shards on the ground.

"Really? So does that mean you're free?" Zhang He purred and began to paw sexily in a kitten manner. Sima growled at the unwanted general and stormed off without responding. "Wait up my hot piece of a hunk! I'm not done with you!" Zhang He exclaimed and musoued after his crush. "You can't leave me here alone with these unbeautiful creatures!"

"What did YOU say!? Who's unbeautiful!?" Zhen Ji could be heard screaming from the hot springs up ahead. Apparently, the woman woke up from her unconscious state. "Come Pi-Pi, we must show that metrosexual our beauty!"

Cao Pi saluted his wife like a soldier did to his commanding officer and helped his wife out of the steaming water. "Yes and while we're at it, we should get that uncivilized baldy who has caused us trouble ever since he joined!"

"Alright! Off to tame our enemies we go!" Zhen Ji said as she and Pi snuck into their tent to get fresh clothes before completing their task.

From far away, Cao Cao was seen throwing his poopy super-duper microscope at Li Dian's head. The cautious, cool warrior caught the large object before it came in contact with his skull. "Damnit, my show is over! Go get me a woman, Li Dian!" Cao Cao commanded.

Li Dian bowed to his Lord while looking at the ground, afraid to tell Cao Cao the truth. "...I'm terribly sorry... but the only woman who is a li-distance away from us is... your daughter-in-law." The helmeted general said while pausing between some words.

"I don't give a rat's ass! Go get me a WOMAN!" Cao Cao barked at his obedient officer. Li Dian took Cao Cao's words in the wrong manner, and ran off to fetch Zhen Ji instead of travelling to a neighboring city to kidnap an unwilling lady.

Back at the camp, Zhen Ji and Cao Pi were searching for the resident baldy and metrosexual. However, their little Xiahou cousins' informed them that Xu Huang had organized a meat hunting party and took with him Zhang He, Sima Yi, Dian Wei and Xiahou Yuan. They won't be back until Xu Zhu is finished with making dinner.

"How unfortunate." Zhen Ji said in a bored tone. "I was looking forward to a good fight."

"Let's go play inside the tent until they come back!" Cao Pi suggested with a wink. The Xiahou kids didn't know what Cao Pi meant by that, but the boring Cheng Yu who was pretending to hold the sun understood. He was the only one in camp at the time who had an intelligence quotient of more than two digits. Cao Pi glared at the man when he sent disgusted looks at the couple. "I wouldn't do that if I were someone who gets stimulated over graphical novels." Cao Pi insulted the tactician. After that, Cheng Yu minded his own business in silence, returning back to his odd sun holding habit. Cao Pi angrily walked ahead to the tent, with a following Zhen Ji striding sexily behind him.

With the pull of a rope, Li Dian activated his woman trap whilst hiding in the trees above. The rope quickly tied onto Zhen Ji's waist and pulled her up thirty feet above the ground. No one noticed her disappearance, and to prevent anyone from doing so, Li Dian covered her mouth with the same dirty handkerchief he wiped Cao Cao's dripping blood with. The vain woman attempted to scream her way out of trouble but the cloth muffled the sounds. "I'm terribly sorry Lady Zhen Ji, but Lord Cao Cao ordered me to capture you." Without further ado, Li Dian diligently carried Zhen Ji to the camp of his Lord on his right shoulder.

When Li Dian dropped the bondaged Zhen Ji in front of Cao Cao, he received a kick to the shin. "I told you to bring me a woman, not my daughter-in-law!" The Hero of Chaos fumed angrily.

"You said a woman, and Lady Zhen Ji is the nearest one..."

"You idiot!" Another kick to the shin. "Untie the ropes and go to the nearest city to get a woman who's happy to bed me!"

In the meantime, Cao Pi searched through every dark corner and creepy cave for his beloved Zhen Ji..."My sweet orchid flower, where in this campsite can you be!?" He asked aloud, whimpering softly as his eyes scanned around. His wicked eyes encountered five individuals that were easily recognizable. "Hey..." Cao Pi poked his men, "Have you seen my wife?" Together, the men shooked their heads in a harmonious manner. "Damnit..." With that, Cao Pi left the meat hunting group.

"I wonder if that wench got lost in the forest..." Sima Yi asked while he pried Zhang He off him for the umpteenth time. "I don't think anyone would care if she died..."

"That's terrible Sima Yi! She is a magnificently beautiful person who deserves to live as long as her beauty lasts!" Zhang He retorted. This caused his colleagues to laugh at him. "Why is everyone laughing at me!?"

"That means she'll die when she turns old and ugly in her midforties..." Xu Huang thought aloud after pondering the words of the Butterfly general. The men shivered when the image of an angry, wrinkly Zhen Ji formed in their empty brains. "I'll never want to see that..."

"Agree." Dian Wei said monotoniously, but changed his pitch when he noticed someone was missing. "Hey, where's Xiahou Yuan?"

Zhang He leaped onto of Sima Yi's head to get a better view, flattening the strategist's hat like pancakes. "I don't see our resident father anywhere! Maybe he had returned back to the camp to feed his children?"

"I doubt it. He was happily counting the deaths of his children." It was a very annoying,yet remarkably familiar voice. The Wei generals cautiously searched for any signs of a newcomer, but there was no one besides them around the forest area. "Idiots, take out a mirror." When this was said, Sima Yi realized that he didn't kill the accursed spirit of the former Wei strategist.

Zhang He did what Guo Jia told him, despite the fact that he wish the tactician would be gone and leave Sima Yi alone. "So do you know where Xiahou Yuan is?" The general asked, ignoring his personal conflict at the moment.

"If I were you all, I would return to camp this instant. It is getting dark and if any of you get lost, the killer will strike out and kill you." The spirit inside the mirror began to disperse, leaving the reflection of Zhang He staring at himself.

"A killer? Who is Guo Jia talking about?" Zhang He asked curiously. Everyone there looked at him as if he were stupid.

"It's Xiahou Yuan, you idiot, narcisstic metrosexual!" Sima Yi smacked his most hated general and started to run ahead. "I hope you suckers get targeted first! Mwahuahua!" Zhang He chased after his crush and clinged onto the strategist's robe as he ran. Dian Wei and Xu Huang ran in a different direction than the other two screaming morons, knowing that they are a most likeable target for killers.

Nothing happened during the run back to camp...however upon arriving there...all of the children except Xiahou Ba were dead. The young boy stood there, staring mindlessly at the corpses of his brother and sister. "Why...?" The other generals asked themselves the question also, not knowing the reasons why Xiahou Yuan would kill his own flesh and blood.

Dinner was terrible since all the delicious food was hard to swallow after the killings...Going to sleep was even harder for all the generals since they feared of losing their lives. Seeing how things were going, Sima Yi suggested that they all should return back to the palace where it is safer for all of them. The men agreed and that night, they marched cautiously back to the palace of Xu Chang.

Cao Cao, who was watching his generals from with mega-sized telescope, questioned of their actions. He called Li Dian for the four one one. "What is going on down there? Why is everyone leaving so early!?"

"Apparently, there is a killer on the loose." Li Dian informed calmly.

"How can you be so calm about this!? Hurry and pack my things! We're going back to Xu Chang!" Cao Cao panicked and threw his telescope at the helmeted general. With ease, Li Dian avoided the huge object. "I'm going first with Xiahou Dun! You follow along with all of my stuff!" Li Dian sighed and started packing like a person under hard labor.

From far away, Xiahou Yuan's shadow could be seen laughing menacingly at the highest peak of Mount Ding Jun...