FicWad

It was only a week before things started going downhill. I started going on walks to get my mind out of boredom. I walked with my hands stuffed deep in my pockets and my hood pulled up to cover my face.
I walked past the playground that only four months ago I went with Chloe to play. My hands started shaking uncontrollably and I felt my stomach do somersaults.
I quickly rushed home and tried to settle back on the couch. Sadly I couldn't get the image of Chloe out of my mind. I covered my face with a pillow and screamed. Nothing worked, not even listening to music.
Rushing to the bathroom I fumbled with the bottle of antidepressants and finally got the cap off and a few in my hands. Biting my lip I placed one on my tongue, then another, then another. Swallowing them down with a sip of water I went back to the couch and lied back down.
I was pulled into a soothing sleep, filled with dreams of Chloe smiling and laughing in the summer. I woke up in a cold sweat and looked around, dim light shone through the window and the TV was still tuned into the last thing I was watching before I fell asleep.
I got up shaking and made my way up the steps to my room. Patrick was sitting on the bed with his laptop in front of him. He noticed me standing there rubbing my eyes and made room for me to lie down beside him. He wrapped his arm around my and kissed my forehead, then he looked into my eyes.
"Have you taken more of those pills than you were supposed to?"
I blinked and sighed. "I had to, the flashbacks came back and how could you tell?"
"I've live with a pothead, I know what it means when you're pupils are dilated."
I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder. He rested his head on my head as he closed his laptop and put it aside.
"Don't do that anymore." He said grabbing my hand. "I've seen enough of my friends in the hospital because of drug overdose; I don't want you to be one of them."
I nodded and looked at our hands, still the same even after four years. Same thick fingers against long thin fingers, same chipped nail polish against almost too healthy nails, only now there was a ring against soon to be ring clad hand.
I yawned and pulled the blankets over us, I lied on my side staring at him. The thick scent of cologne and coconut seeping into the air we both breathed. It almost got too confining under the blankets, but I didn't care I was right where I wanted to be.
Soon though we had to come up for air. I gasped and pulled in the cool, unconfined air. He looked into my eyes again and kissed my forehead.
"You need to be careful." He warned before getting up and walking out of the room.
Without knowing it I closed my eyes and was ripped back into a fitful dream about Chloe and alligators and bad things. When I woke back up I forced myself away from the bed where Patrick was now sleeping and down to the bathroom where the bottle of pills still lay on the counter open and spilling onto the table.
I grabbed the bottle and popped a few more in my mouth. The cloy feeling of what I was doing dancing in the pit of my stomach I got on my coat and walked out to my car, I didn't know what I was gonna do when I got wherever I was going, but I did know it was bad.
After driving on autopilot for almost two hours I pulled in front of the lake and got out. There was a part of the river that ran into the lake that had very steep walls and a very deep bottom. It was covered with several metal pipes and a few pieces of wood to make a walkway, but many people knew the risks and didn't go this way. Tonight I didn't care about risks, I wanted to end it.
Little did I know as I was getting up on the slick bar, about to end it Patrick had woken up from a deep sleep to find that I wasn't anywhere in the house. Little did I know as I stood staring down at the black churning waters, Patrick was rushing down the road with Sabrina in tow to a place only she and I knew about.
I bit my lip and watched the water swirl in dark pools under me.
One step, one step away form all the pain I had caused and all the pain I put the people through. One step away from being with my baby, one step away from causing even more pain that couldn't be healed. One more step.
As the wind picked up my hair and blew it front of my eyes as I stood on the edge of the platform I heard car tires squeal and the gravel in front of the lake fly out in all directions. I heard Patrick call my name and I heard the sound of running as the searched desperately in the dark.
The beam of a flashlight caught my face and flickered somewhere else. Soon I heard someone climb up on the platform with me.
"A-Alex, give me your hand." Patrick stuttered slowly reaching out.
I just looked down at the water and slid off my coat.
"Alex, please give me your hand." He sounded like he was crying. "Don't do this."
I sighed and slid off my engagement ring, it gleamed in the moonlight. I put it back on and turned to Patrick.
"Please Alex, think about what you're doing." He pleaded taking a step forward. "You don't want to do this."
Maybe he was right, maybe I didn't want to do this. I looked at him, tears streaming down his face, eyes bloodshot and puffy. Maybe this was another part of me doing things the normal Alex wouldn't do. Or maybe this was me, maybe I had every intention of doing this. Maybe I truly did want to kill myself. Either way I knew what I was doing, whether it was me or not was wrong and would leave many of the people I knew cold and dead inside.
It was then that I realized the impact I had on people. It was then I realized what would happen if I did die, self-inflicted or not. It wasn't my time. With that I started sobbing and knelt down on the platform.
Patrick came up and wrapped his coat around me. I flung myself at him and sobbed into his shirt. He hugged my tightly and started crying too. Sabrina climbed up the hill and stopped short when she saw us.
"Come on." He sniffed pulling away and grabbing my hand. "Let's go home."