FicWad

Gerard and Monica lay locked in each other's arms not speaking. There was no need for words just being together was enough. Gerard slipped into sleep while Monica watched. His face was so peaceful, so beautiful. She tried not to giggle knowing he would hate that she had just thought he was beautiful but she couldn't help it. To her he was beautiful. His breathing was deep and even at first but then as she watched he frowned and began to mutter words she couldn't understand.
"Gee, honey wake up." she gently touched his cheek.
His eyes opened at first he was confused. When he realized where he was his face became peaceful again and he pulled her closer to his body. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to fall asleep," he told her "We just had to get up so fucking early to catch our flight."
Monica smiled, "It's OK, I love to watch you sleep but it looked like you were having a nightmare so I decided to wake you."
He had been having a nightmare, a repeat nightmare. Watching Monica say goodbye and walking away. He didn't want to tell her, he just wanted to put it out of his mind. No matter what he had to do he would never let her walk away, he wouldn't fail her. "I don't remember" he lied but I'm glad you woke me. I guess we need to talk."
Monica laughed, "You think?" she said trying to keep the mood as light as possible. She saw how upset he looked, "Gee, we will handle our problems together but we do need to talk about them."
"I know" he agreed, "Tell me what has been going on with Jenn. What has happened since the first letter?"
Monica look a deep breath, "The first day I got back I talked to the girls about their aunt. I didn't want to scare them, well really just Kelly because Kara has a pretty good understanding of the situation. Anyway, Kelly told me that she had seen Jenn at the school."
"That's what Bob told me" he said shaking his head. "I have to tell you I was upset you didn't tell me. It was bad I had to hear about it from him and not you."
Monica frowned, "I was just so worried about you. I didn't want to add any more stress on you. When we talked on the phone you sounded so down, I just couldn't tell you."
He brushed her lips with his, "Look, I don't want you to keep things from me. Especially things that concern you and the girls." he rolled over and lay on his back staring at the ceiling. "I'm sure you know I've suffered from depression and different times in my life. So has Mikey but I'm a strong person Monica. I'm going to be your husband and I promise I will always protect you. Don't doubt that ever,"
She raised herself on one elbow; "I would never doubt you in any way, Gee. When I'm with you I feel safer than I have ever felt. But once we are married I know that you will be gone a lot and it's important to me to be a strong person. I tried to handle what was going on here by myself. It was never about not trusting you would or could help. It was about me being strong, strong for myself and strong for you. I know you had things to deal with, emotions, and I didn't want to add to that."
The way she had said the word emotions he knew she was referring to his feeling about Liv. His tone was angry, "Emotions" he repeated her word. "Fucking emotions that I have no business even having. I'm so fucking stupid sometimes."
Monica signed, "Gee one thing at a time. We can talk about Liv in a minute. I'm sure you can put her out of your mind that long." As soon as the words left her mouth she wished she could call them back.
Gerard looked over at her, "Is that what you think? That I constantly think about Liv?" He got up and crossed the room. Taking his pack of cigarette out of his hoodie pocket he lit one before turning to look at her. Anger marred his face.
Monica stared at him refusing to look away, "That is not what I said but you know now that you brought it up, yes I think you think about Liv more than you should. I know how much you loved her." Monica was speaking rapidly letting her feelings pour out," I know she treated you like shit but still you kept loving her. Suddenly she is back in your life and what do you do? Hell, you spend time trying to decide what more you could have done to keep her from leaving you. She stands between us" Tears formed but she angrily wiped them away. "Shit, I love you so much it hurts. When we are apart I feel incomplete." she took a deep breath, "but sometimes I think maybe I'm just like you. I spend so much time trying to decide what I can do to make you love me more." She lowered her head.
"Oh fuck, Monica, how can you even say that?" He put the cigarette out and began dressing. "How many times do I have to tell you I love you?"
Monica watched him; she had never seen him so angry. "You have said that you love me lots of times"
He turned to her, "So are you saying that you don't believe me?"
"I'm saying that I believe your words." She stood and slipped on her panties and sweats. She could feel his eyes on her as she pulled on her shirt. When she turned he was still staring at her.
"What the fuck do you want me to do? How can I prove you how much I love you?" He lit another cigarette and walked towards her. She stood her ground not looking away, not moving.
She took a step towards him, "You can prove you love me by telling me the truth. Tell me what the fuck it is about Liv that won't let you forget her?"
He stood completely still, her words crashed into his brain. He knew, he had always known what it was but wouldn't admit it even to himself. Now here was the woman who held his heart demanding to know the reason. Could he make himself tell her? Would it be over between them if he didn't?
Monica continued to stare at him. Finally she spoke, "I know, Gee. I know why. I just want to hear you say it. Tell me why" She demanded.
He didn't believe her. How could she understand and yet in some way he believed she did. He shook his head. "Monica, I don't understand myself."
Her voice was angry, "Stop lying to me, stop lying to yourself. You stayed with Liv because you thought you could save her. Something deep inside Liv made her hate herself, made her try to destroy herself and you. You believed that if you loved her enough you could help her. You could save her from the demons she was letting control her life." Monica knew she had to give voice to the whole truth, "now she is back and you know she bore your child. In your mind you are still wondering if there was something more you could have done. You don't want to admit it but you are thinking that she had to have loved you enough to keep your baby. Your mind is still telling you that she did love you but for some reason she left you cause you failed her. Gee, you gave her your love out of that love a child was conceived. Still it wasn't enough to make her stay. There was nothing else you could do. You didn't fail her, you loved her but you couldn't change the path she had chosen."
Her words hit him forcefully and he slumped onto the bed. She was right, she understood. In his mind he had thought that he had failed Liv, his love hadn't been enough.
Monica walked over to stand in front of him. "I realized when I went to talk to Elena. I was thinking how much I loved you and wanted my love to help you. Just like your love had helped me face my past. Your love gave me strength to admit what had happened to Kyle." She touched his face, "You gave me your love and it saved me."
When he looked up at her his eyes were misty. "Gee, you saved me." Slowly she knelt in front of him never breaking eye contact. "How many times have you said the group saved your life and that it was there to save others lives? You witnessed a horrible, tragic loss on that morning in September and you decided to do everything in your power to make life a precious thing never to be wasted. Your life, you spend trying to save people. Your music has saved lives, Gee. Your words are your soul. You want to be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned. But Gee, you can only do so much, give so much. You couldn't save Liv from the hatred and darkness she let rule her life." She looked deeply into his beautiful eyes, "Gee, your love couldn't save Liv. You didn't fail her, she failed herself. She wouldn't let you save her and there isn't a damn thing you can do about that." She touched his face, "You did all that you could."
His arms were suddenly around her and he pulled her on to the bed. Gently he pushed her back and covered her mouth with his. He broke off the kiss and buried his face against her neck. "Oh my God, Monica, I'm so sorry. You knew what I couldn't admit to myself. You are right, I did everything I could for her but it wasn't enough. I loved her so much and hated myself cause I kept thinking I had failed her"
Monica hugged him tightly, "You have to let it go Gee. We can't be together if you can't let it go. Your love wasn't enough to save her." She closed her eyes, "but your love was more than enough to save me. Now it is me who is afraid I'll fail. Please let my...." He kissed her passionately silencing her words.
He broke the kiss and looked directly into her eyes. His heart spoke, "Monica, your love has already saved me."

Authors Note - I'm sure you all realize that "September morning" is of course referencing the tragic events of Sept 11th. Gerard saw with his own eyes the Twin Towers fall. His life was forever altered that day and he as said often that it was that day that made him realize he wanted to use his life to make a difference.