FicWad

"He said what?" Patrick asked not sounding too amused at the moment.

"He said he didn't love me anymore," I explained the phone conversation that Pete and I had the other night.

"That idiot," Patrick said obviously upset.

"Are you ok?" he asked now with concern in his voice.

"I'm fine," I said lying back on my bed.

I hadn't had much motivation since that conversation with Pete. The boy had once again trampled on my heart leaving me to mend my wounds. I mainly stayed in bed and reminisced about the good times with him. I tired so desperately to forget him, but every time I got close, my heart would intervene and remind my head why I liked him so much.

"Alright, that usually means you're not fine," Patrick said sighing.

"Trix?" I asked deep in thought.

"Yeah, Iz," he responded with that low husky voice that sent butterflies to my stomach.

"Do you think he meant it?" I asked.

It was a question that I had pondered over the last couple of days. I found it hard to believe that we could have such a mind blowing connection one night and have him tell me he doesn't love me the next.

Patrick was silent except for the deep sigh that he took. I found myself holding my breath. If anyone knew the answer to that question more than Pete himself, it would be Patrick.

"No, I don't think he meant it," Patrick said quietly.

I almost sensed hurt in his voice, but with out a facial expression to go along with it, it was difficult to know what he was thinking.

"I'm a fool, aren't I?" I asked more as a rhetorical question.

"Absolutely not. Iz, I'm not exactly sure what is going through Pete's mind right now, but I do know that he still loves you. Why is he pushing you away? I have no idea. I guess that's just the inner workings of Pete," Patrick said sounding irritated with his friend's actions.

"I'm tired, Trix," I admitted.

Surprisingly I wasn't crying. I had been there and done that. I was now at an analytical point of view where I analyzed everything; every emotion, word, action. I tried to find an explanation for everything, but what it all came down to was that there wasn't an explanation for anything.

"I know, Iz," Patrick said knowing what I meant by that statement.

He knew that my emotions were now like a hurricane blowing all over the place. Pete was good at that. He was the cause of that outcome to most of the people he came in contact with. Patrick knew all too well what I was experiencing.

"Have you seen him recently?" I asked just wanting to know something, anything.

"No, he hasn't returned from his trip out to LA. To be honest, I haven't even talked to him since the morning I dropped him off at the airport, which means he's being melodramatic and cutting himself off from the world for the time being. I'm not surprised after what he said to you, though," Patrick said back.

I didn't know what to say from that statement. Patrick almost seemed positive that Pete still loved me, but by the demeanor of his voice, I could have sworn he was upset that Pete still loved me.

I nodded at his information. I really didn't know what to say.

"I love you, Trix," I said simply.

"I love you too, Iz," he whispered. His voice was painfully heartfelt.

-----

I sulked around my apartment avoiding anyone and everything. Crystal and Katy had called numerous times in the past couple of days, but I didn't feel like talking. I really just wanted to be alone with my thoughts, which was probably the most self destructive behavior I could have done.

Knocking on the door broke me out of my current self loathing state. I sighed heavily knowing Crystal and Katy were at it again with their "ice cream therapy."

"Alright, you two, I'm fine, you don't need to check on me every second of every day!" I yelled as I opened the door on the word day.

I stopped in my tracks and held my breath. There stood a worn down JB looking as though he hadn't slept in a year.

"Bella," he whispered.

I was in shock. Was I dreaming? I had this dream before, but every time I open the door, Pete is standing there.

I looked into JB's sad eyes and the guilt rose up to my throat as it had done so many times in the previous week. I swallowed hard.

"JB," I said as my voice broke.

I felt that all too familiar lump in my throat making it difficult for me to swallow or even breathe.

"Can I come in?" he asked.

His voice was raspy with exhaustion. I wasn't sure how his four game stretch in Florida went. I wasn't able to turn the TV on to watch him.

I just nodded and moved to the side, so he could enter my apartment. He walked in stopping at the kitchen counter. I closed the door with my thoughts racing. I worked hard on fighting back the tears that were already stinging my eyelids. I took a deep breath and turned around.

"JB, I..."

"I love you, Bella," JB blurted out causing me to stop mid-sentence.

The boy looked crushed. I didn't know what to say.

"This past week has been one of the worst weeks of my life. When I said those words to you at the hotel and you didn't return them, I felt as though my world was crashing down. I don't want to fight with you. I don't want to be angry with you. I love you," he gushed his feelings out.

I stood there in a shocked silence. The girls were right. This boy does love me and he does treat me right. How could I have done something so horrible to him when he hadn't done anything but love me?

I knew the tears were flowing down my cheeks and JB looked defeated after I didn't say anything.

"JB, I am so sorry!" I cried out and felt him rush towards me engulfing his arms to hold me in a tight hug.

"I'm sorry too," he cried with me.

I said I was sorry, but I was sorry in more ways than one. I wanted to tell him why I was sorry, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. I couldn't hurt him like that. No, if anyone was to feel hurt, it should be me.

-----

The next month JB was being overly sweet to me, which only caused me to be irritated with him more and more. He isn't supposed to be nice to me; he's supposed to hate me, just as I hated myself.

I had let myself fall into a depression I had never experienced before. So many emotions were swarming around in my head and it all had to do with the male species. How did I let myself get so weak?

I had started a summer class in late June and I coped the only way I knew how; I buried myself in work.

"Bella?" JB asked from the doorway of my computer room.

I didn't respond, I only sighed deeply with irritation.

I could feel him standing there burning a hole into my skull until I turned around.

"What, JB?" I snapped turning around in my desk chair.

"I'm going to the stadium now, are you coming tonight?" he asked simply trying to avoid a fight.

"I told you I have to finish this paper," I said in a softer tone now.

Those brown eyes of his always got to me in the worst way.

"Fine, what ever," he mumbled and walked away.

I sighed with frustration now.

"What, JB? What do you want from me?" I asked following him towards the door.

"Nothing. You are obviously to busy," he now snapped pulling his shoes on.

"JB, you know I have school work," I sighed heavily.

"Yeah, one class, Izzy. You haven't been to a game in over a week and a half," he said standing straight up and raising his voice slightly. "How much work can one class possibly be?"

"Just stop, now. You're acting like I don't care," I said in a soothing manner in order to get him to calm down.

"You're acting like you don't care!" JB yelled.

I jumped back slightly at his sudden outburst. I was speechless. I hadn't been yelled at like that since when I was with Pete.

JB put his hands through his hair in frustration.

"Bella, I'm sorry," he said softening his tone and shrugging slightly.

"I didn't know you felt that way," I said quietly as I put my head down.

"I didn't mean to snap at you, but this past month has been really hard. You've been so distant and you aren't talking to me like you used to. What's changed, Izzy?" he asked in a pleading way.

He wanted answers that I couldn't give him.

"Nothing. Nothing has changed, Jeremy. I'm sorry I've been distant lately. I'm just trying to get through this stats class. It's really hard," I lied.

JB looked at me with sympathy. He knew how seriously I took school. That was how I knew he would lay off if he thought I was struggling.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you. I didn't realize that you were having difficulties," he said walking closer to me.

"It's ok. I should have told you," I said thinking that those words rang close to the truth. I did need to tell him. I needed to tell him what really was going on.

"I'll come over after the game," he said hugging me tightly and kissing my forehead sweetly.

I just nodded and watched as he left. The sound of his car starting through my open windows was drowned out by the sound of my vomiting into the toilet.

-----

"Can you talk?" Patrick asked after I had answered the phone.

"Yeah," I said pushing my books away from me.

I had the final for my summer class the next week and being that I was unable to concentrate on anything, I was hurting to get any studying completed.

"You sound tired," he stated the obvious.

"Yeah," I agreed.

"What's up Iz?" Patrick asked with concern laced in his voice.

"JB wants to take me to California after I'm done with my summer class," I said putting my head down on the table.

"That sounds like a nice break," Patrick said not understanding why I couldn't go.

"I can't go to California!" I said in shock.

"Why?" Patrick asked.

"Because being in the same state as Pete is not an option," I sighed scribbling random designs on the cover of my notebook.

"Well, that won't be a problem because he got back to Chicago yesterday," Patrick said simply. "So you can totally go to California."

"Totally?" I asked in a teasing matter.

"Lay off, its 2:30 in the morning," he grumbled.

"Yeah, what are you doing up?" I asked now just realizing the time.

"Couldn't sleep," he said taking a deep breath.

"Thinking?" I asked.

"Something like that," he said quietly.

"Jeremy and I had another fight," I admitted.

"What this time?" Patrick asked hearing all too many times of the fights that I pick with him.

"I dunno. He kept pushing this California thing and I just don't want to go. The last time we were out of state together, it nearly ended our relationship. I think its best that I just stay in Minnesota. That seems to be where the least amount of drama in my life lies," I said explaining my thought process.

"Iz, knock it off," Patrick laughed lightly.

"Are you laughing?" I asked not amused.

"You are sounding even more melodramatic than Pete right now. Are you actually listening to yourself?" Patrick laughed some more.

"I'm failing to find the humor in this," I said irritated.

"Well, for crying out loud, lighten up a little. Life isn't that bad, is it?" he asked.

I just sat there thinking if I should tell him. The thought of telling Patrick how bad life could actually be caused tears to spring to my eyes and the feeling of bile grace it's presence in my throat.

"Patrick, I have to go," I croaked out.

"Iz? What's wrong? I'm sorry for laughing at you," he said sounding sincerely sorry and slightly worried by the drastic change in my mood.

"No, it's not you. You were right. Life isn't that bad." Another lie.

"Iz, What is it?" Patrick asked concerned now.

"It's nothing, really. I'm fine," I said trying to smile so he could hear it in my voice.

Patrick sighed into the phone. I knew he was debating what to say next.

"Alright. I love you," he said again with that sound of emotion that broke my heart.

"Love you too," I said quickly and hung up as I ran into the bathroom.

-----

"Shit, Izzy! Why are you being such a bitch?" JB yelled at me from the bedroom doorway.

I spun around in shock by his words.

"Fuck you, Jeremy!" I yelled back.

We were fighting. Again. I had started it. Again. He came over around 3:00 in the morning drunk the night before and I was upset by the time. I didn't make it known at the time, but I was being snide the entire day until he finally asked what was bothering me. I'm not sure what happened, but I snapped and accused him of cheating on me. Funny how hypocritical I had become.

"God, you are so hard to figure out these days!" JB yelled out of frustration. He turned to leave, but came back into my room and faced me.

"You know what? I can go out with the guys and not have to explain myself to you. I have never ever given you a reason to think that I would be unfaithful, unlike yourself coming back from hanging out with Pete with a fucking hickey on your neck!" JB said in my face.

"Asshole!" I screamed and slapped JB across the face.

JB kept his head to the side for a moment. I was more than shocked by my actions as I put a hand up to my mouth.

"JB, I'm sorry baby. I didn't mean to hurt you," I said placing a hand on his shoulder.

He slowly shrugged out of my reach with anger in his eyes.

"Is that something you learned from Pete? How to smack someone across the face?" JB's voice was laced with anger.

"Please, stop bringing him into this!" I yelled not wanting to hear his name anymore.

"Why not Izzy? Why should we keep him out of this? He is what this is all about isn't it?" he asked in a condescending manner.

"I don't know what you are talking about," I stuttered out. How did he figure it out?

"I know you still have feelings for him, Izzy. How could I not? You keep your top drawer full of memories of him. The one thing I don't understand is how you can still love him after he abused you; after everything he had done to you. I've done nothing but love you and you constantly pick these little fights with me and treat me as though you would rather be with someone else. Someone like him," JB said as emotion broke his voice.

I had tears streaming down my face. I couldn't say anything. It was all true. He was right.

"I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry, Bella," he said quietly as he turned on his heel to walk away.

"JB, wait!" I cried out reaching for him.

JB turned around and waited for me to say something, but I didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Me too," he said and with that he was gone.
----

"Hello?" he answered his phone quietly.

"Tell me that you don't love me. Tell me that you don't want to be with me," I cried into the phone.

I had completely broke down and entered the land of irrationality after JB had left.

"Izzy? Are you ok? Why are you crying?" he asked in a hushed tone.

"Just tell me!" I cried.

"Izzy, I can't talk about this right now," he said sounding hesitant.

"Pete, please," I said sliding down my wall and hugging my knees with one arm while holding the phone to my ear in the other.

"What is this all about?" he asked sounding worried by my complete breakdown over the phone.

"I want to know if what you said before was true," I said letting my crying subside for a moment.

"You have to be more specific," he sighed.

"Do you really not love me anymore? Was it true?" I asked.

I held my breath as I waited for him to answer. This suspense was all too much.

"Can we talk about this at a different time?" he asked.

"Please, just tell me and I will never bother you again. I just need to know if it was true. I need to hear you say it," I said as my voice cracked with emotion.

"I don't love you," he whispered into the phone.

Tears were now sliding down my face. I nodded into the phone as I couldn't respond. The lump in my throat was making it difficult for me to make any form of sound.

"Goodbye Pete," I whispered so quietly I was sure he didn't hear it.

I hung up the phone and cried into my arms.

-----

The next day I wallowed in self pity by refusing to get out of bed. My phone had been turned off and the curtains were drawn. Contact with any form of life was not wanted. When I heard the knocking at my door, I put my pillow over my head and rolled over. There was no way I was answering that.

Five minutes later and a constant sound of knocking later, I flew out of my bed practically tripping on my sheets.

"God Dammit!" I yelled as I stormed up to the door where the knocking continued at a steady beat.

Whoever was outside that door had better have a will because I was aiming for death.

"WHAT!" I yelled as I opened the door with a rush.

"...the fuck are you doing here?" I finished my sentence when I notice the boy standing at my door.

Patrick had his head leaning against the door frame as he looked up at me with his deep eyes. His hand was still continuing the knocking motion.

"I'm happy to see you too," he said finally stopping with moving his hand and standing up straight so we were looking at each other directly in the eyes.

I was still in shock by this boy's presence. How he seems to know exactly when he is needed is beyond my understanding.

"You look like shit, Iz," he said looking me over slightly.

"Patrick," I cried as I ran into his arms.

"Whoa. Iz, what's wrong?" he asked with worry holding me tightly in his arms.

"He...he....he," I couldn't respond because I was now in hysterics.

It was one of those moments when you're far from home and you read a line in a book or hear a line in a song that makes you think of your mom and you just break down from missing her.

That was Patrick for me. He was my line in a song. He evoked emotion in me.

AN: I just want to thank everyone for the wonderful reviews! I appreciate them more than words can describe. Thanks and Smooches!