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Patrick stared.
"Excuse me?"
"We're having a baby." Christina repeated. Patrick held his hand up.
"Wait, is this, 'we' as in, me and you? Or '/we'/, as in you and your bit on the side boyfriend?"
"Don't be stupid." Christina snapped at him. "Me and you. We."
"Oh, God." Patrick whispered, hoarsely. His head started spinning and he sat down slowly and pulled his hat off his head, running his hands through his hair.
"Oh, God." He repeated, breathing heavily. "When did you find out?"
"Yesterday morning. I'd been sick the past few mornings and I got a pregnancy test and - well, you get the picture."
"Jesus. Is that why you were -"
"Calling you? Waiting for you? Yes. And you didn't answer your damn phone, so I didn't know where the fuck to come! Then Pete was a complete dick when I came here earlier..."
"Uh, uh, uh... you called Joe a junkie. Don't act like they ganged up on you. I know they would have been perfectly polite to you."
"Whatever. I just wanted you to know."
"And?" Patrick waited. His heart began to beat faster. Maybe she would tell him they belonged together. That it was unfair to raise a child this way, and that she needed Patrick there. That she loved him and they should pretend nothing ever happened.
"And, what?"
"What does that mean for us?" Patrick asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I don't want this baby born out of wedlock." Patrick replied. Christina laughed.
"So, what? You think I was going to beg you to take me back? Patrick, we broke up for a reason."
"Yeah, you gave up on me for some idiot who doesn't love you one inch as much as I do, and who will..." He broke off, horrified.
"He's gonna be there! My baby is going to grow up calling that guy 'daddy'!'
"Don't be stupid, Patrick. You're the father and that's how it's going to stay. Nothing will change that."
"Apart from the fact I won't even live with it."
The room was filled with silence for the next thirty seconds, an uncomfortable silence that rang throughout their ears. Patrick bit his lip.
"So how is your boyfriend? Have you told him about it?"
Christina nodded.
"I didn't want to tell him before you, but he caught me doing the test."
Patrick closed his eyes and nodded. Then he exhaled loudly and shook his head. "Why, Christina? Where did it all go wrong?"
Christina paused, and sighed.
"Patrick, with you - everything had to be planned. Everything had to be rushed. We had one hour to do something before you had to leave and get on a plane. We had one night together before you embarked on all these world tours."
Patrick said nothing, his head down, staring at the carpet. She touched his cheek but he moved away. A single tear rolled down his cheek but he didn't bother to wipe it away. It wasn't like she'd care he was crying.
"Honey, I didn't want someone who had to leave me even though they said they loved me."
"That's unfair! I love you! I never wanted to leave you. But I have my job and when we started dating, you said you understood that!" Patrick said, standing up, his tears now overflowing in his eyes, obscuring his vision.
"I was 18, Patrick. So were you. That's a long time ago. When you're a teenager, you think you know everything. You think you know where you'll be in a few years, but times change."
Patrick stayed silent, waiting for her to elaborate.
"Patrick, you have to believe me. I loved you."
"Notable past tense."
"I did. I still do. Now, I love you, because you're the father of my baby."
Patrick closed his eyes. Hearing that and knowing he wasn't romantically involved with his baby's mother stung him. Christina took his hand and squeezed it slowly.
"I had the best five years of my life with you, you know that, right?"
Patrick didn't reply, but squeezed her hand back. He needed her so much right now.
"All those times - I never wanted to leave you. I asked you to come, but you never did." He whispered.
"I had my own job." She replied, softly. "Our jobs were different."
"But our feelings weren't!" Patrick shot back, taking her by surprise. "I loved you, and you loved me. I don't understand how one day you loved me and the next you didn't!"
"Patrick, you were away 90 per cent of the time. The only way I could talk to you was by phone, or e-mail. If I wanted to see you, I had to look at you on the TV or in a magazine. If I wanted to hear your voice, I would sit for hours playing every single voice mail you'd ever left me. Or I'd listen to your records on repeat. I had a boyfriend, but I didn't feel like I did. When you're on tour, you know I'm still there, waiting. And you have your thoughts and feelings which were obviously that you loved me and missed me. But you didn't get to hear about the times I resented you for not being there. All the times I cried myself to sleep wishing you were there. I loved you so much I began to hate you."
"So what about the times I missed you? Which was every minute of every single day. There was you my mind. Not even the back of my mind, always at the front, the first thing I thought of in the morning. The last thing I thought at night. And I even dreamt about you. How do you know I didn't cry myself to sleep in my tiny little bunk, wishing that you were sleeping next to me? All the times I woke up in the middle of the night, ready to drive straight back home and see you? Or wanting to call you at 3 in the morning, but I didn't want to wake you because I remembered how beautiful you were when you slept? What about that?"
Now, Christina stayed quiet.
"I never, ever thought I'd be the guy who fell in love with a girl who was everything I dreamt about. I never, ever imagined in a million years that someone like you would whisper the words 'I love you', to me! The only thing that kept me going when I had a shitty day or some critic made a dig at me was knowing you would tell me it would all be OK. You would kiss me and everything would be perfect."
Christina was looking at her lap, breathing heavily.
"We tried our best, right?" She said.
Patrick didn't reply. He knew that wasn't true. It was only half true. He'd tried. He'd tried so hard to make it up to her when he came back. He bought her flowers, took her away for the weekend, he sang her favorite songs for her, and he loved her. God, did he love her. Unconditionally. She could be a spoilt little bitchy brat at times, but he saw past that and saw all the love she had. He had his faults too, he was moody and he had temper tantrums, but she saw through that, too.
Maybe I'm being unfair, /he thought. /I guess she did try. For five years. If she didn't try, she would have left me at the beginning. He was too harsh, he knew she'd tried and he was just trying to make excuses for himself feeling like a failure. She'd stuck by him through everything until now. His job had made it easier for him to miss her. He got to play shows every night, and absorb himself in writing new melodies, taking his mind off the isolation. But he'd never thought until now of her, lying at home with nothing but her 9-5 job to take her mind off it. She'd had enough before he had. And even though Christina had given up on him, Patrick wasn't going to give up on her. Despite everything, he didn't have the heart to give up on her and his baby.
"I guess it was only a matter of time." He replied, quietly.
"I should go."
Patrick nodded.
"Christina?" Patrick said into the awkwardness as she reached the door. She turned round.
"Yeah?"
Patrick fidgeted with his hands, nervously.
"How, um... I mean, how far are -"
"Nearly four months."
"Four months." Patrick repeated, so quiet he was barely audible. He was speechless. He stood up and gingerly put his hands on her stomach. He half expected her to slap his hand away or turn and walk out of the room, but she let him.
"Hey, baby." He whispered. "I'm your daddy."
Christina's hand wrapped around Patrick's. She had tears in her eyes and when Patrick looked up at her, she saw he did too.
"You're gonna be great, daddy."

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