FicWad

AN; heyaa. Ficwad messes with me all the frankintime, so i hope that now (the fifth time i trying) it actually throws this chapter along:D THANK YOU for all the reviews you lovely people give me, same goes for ratings, it means so much to me^___^
Lyrics are from LOSTAlone's song calld 'Elysium'. yes, you read right:D Sleepless in Seattle thingie there, 'cause one of the characters says almost the same thing to her frinedas Lisa says there. read & tell me what you think!

Lonely
give into the lonely
we're staring into endless space time
Dazed and dizzy and starved of touch
Our explosion makes us limitless
Rise up and sleep a life
Lost and lonely survived by
Stark memories of a distant time
Raise your feelings high
Jaded vision in your eyes trust
You got to relay what you saw
And capture all your thoughts


Gerard was about to open the main door of their motel, bit disappointed 'cause the night was at its end and knowing that after walking pass the doors, they'd go their own ways, when he realised that Emily hadn't even took the few stairs to the door. She stood on the pavement and stared at it.
"Err.. Emily?"
She heard his voice, but took a moment before looking up.
"Come here," she said and smiled at his muddled expression. Gerard hopped slowly step by step next to her, shoving his hands to his pockets. He wasn't quite sure what Emily was up to. She didn't seem like someone who kisses at the first date. Hell, he didn't even know if Emily counted this thing as an actual date. All sorts of random thoughts flew through his head, as they just gazed each other. Emily smirked and broke the tension between them.
"Look."
Gerard had hard time figuring what he was supposed to look at, but finally he understood to look down like Emily did. On the hard pavement, were few ants. One of them had died, got flatten under someone's busy step. The others circled around it, walking back and fort, seeming little frantic. Gerard frowned.
"Errrrrr," he let out, "why are we looking at ants?"
"Well," Emily said and kneeled, "That one's dead, or at least very hurt. So all the others are all taking care of it, running around, deciding what to do. But, if we'd stay here, this near to them, or if I'd go to like touch it with my finger to see what's wrong with it, the other would go crazy. At my finger, I mean. They'd like friggin start eating it."
Gerard nodded, trying desperately to see her point behind this. At least he hoped there was a point, and that she didn't just like talking about insects and their behaviour. Emily stood up again.
"Don't you think that's pretty much what people do too?"
Gerard could feel his hand get sweaty. He didn't know whether to feel stupid or think that Emily was hard to understand. So, instead of answering, he just frowned some more and looked at Emily with an expression he hoped looked like he was understanding and listening. Emily saw through it, and explained some more.
"Like, if you'd like die tomorrow, and not in a way that you have to get scared as hell now, 'cause I'll creep in to your room and stab you, but like, you never know when you're gonna die, right? So, if you'd die, I would definitely want to come to your funeral. But, none of your friends and family, who'd also be there, would know who the hell I am, so they'd pretty surely drive me out of there, or they wouldn't even tell me where and when its held, 'cause they'd think that I'm just some freaky woman who wants to sneak in to peoples funerals, right," she rambled and looked at Gerard with hope in her eyes.
Gerard couldn't help but to smirk.
"You'd come to my funeral? That's like weirdest fucking compliment anyone's told me," he said, " But, you have nothing to worry, my family would never eat pretty woman's finger."
Emilys eyes widened for a moment before she chuckled, punched his chest playfully and went for the door. Gerard made sounds he thought people make when really hurt, managed in a sorta-kinda way, but followed Emily anyway.
Finally on their floor, Emily stopped in the middle of the hallway.
"Thanks," she said seriously, " I had fun."
He smiled and bend his upper body a little, taking a small bow. "My pleasure."
Emily smiled to him one last time, turned and walked for her door. Gerard stood on his place, looking her go, feeling little sad, but at the same time enjoying the warmness bubbling inside of him.
"Just so you know," Gerard said just as Emily had almost disappeared behind the door, "I'd come to your funeral too."


The next morning came pale and cloudy. Signs for the spring were nowhere to see, and Emily made a mental note to herself about that. She didn't like this between-phase, between actual winter and actual spring. In these times, she never knew how warm clothes to put on. Others felt way too warm and others way too chilly, and no matter what, she felt uncomfortable. She quickened her pace trying to avoid smashing to all efficient businesspeople who filled the streets, and hoped that the nearest Starbucks, where she was supposed to meet her friend, wouldn't be too crowded.
Emily got in, and for her surprise, it wasn't packed full of morning drinkers, who for some reason didn't make their coffees at home like normal people. She ordered her favourite coffee, non-fat Caramel Macchiato, and took a seat near the windows. Her friend was always a little late. Emily didn't mind, it was nice to sit there, the cup warming her hands and the glass separating her from the bedlam that went on outside.
"HI," someone said very loudly. Emily turned and saw her friend Lisa walk to her table. Lisa was a morning person. Never tired, never grumpy. Always happy, smiling and looking perfect. It was clear that caused a lot of people to dislike her.
They hugged and Lisa took a seat opposite to Emily.
"Sorry I'm late, Brandy was totally nuts this morning. Again," Lisa sighed but smiled. Brandy, Brandon for real, was Lisa's husband. They both complained about each other to their friends, but that didn't stop them for being crazy in love.
"It's okay," Emily said sipping her delicious coffee, "I've been here just for a moment." Lisa murmured agreeing. "How's life, girl?"
Emily raised her brow. "It's only been two days Lis since we met, not much can happen in that little time," she said looking at her cup as if it was really interesting. She wanted to talk about the guy she had just spent last evening with, but she wanted to drop the information, give it little shock-effect. Lisa knew her too well to fall for it.
"Maybe not much, but something," she said, "And don't you even try to fool me, it's like written all over your face! Spill." Lisa's tone was demanding and she smirked knowingly.
"Okay, I met a guy."
"A guy or a guy?"
"I don't even know what that's supposed to mean, but yeah. An a guy."
Lisa smirked again. "Well? Do tell."
"It's this one quest, at our motel. He just got there yesterday, and somehow we ended up talking, and I kinda went for a dinner with him," Emily told, causing Lisa to stare. If she had expected something, this was not it.
"Ooh kaay," she said slowly. "Then what? How was it? Was he a complete jackass?"
"NO," Emily said protesting loud, getting the attention of few fellow coffee-addicts, "he was lovely. He listened to what I said, you know how I get sometimes, but he listened. He liked my art, he was funny, adorable. AND, he didn't try anything."
"Interesting. One of them still knows how to handle his hands, ding-ding ;we have a winner!" Lisa said with straight face. Emily gave her a look, but smiled then.
"AND, did I mention that he even offered to pay for me too? I didn't let him, but it was still nice of him," Emily finished with dreamy smile on her face.
"AND if you say AND like that again, I'll smack you," Lisa laughed, "But anyway, tell some more! What's his name? What does he do? Good looking ?"
"Gerard. And yes, he's quite attractive."
"Quite attractive? Oh well. Gerard? Luckily not Gerald. 'Cause if you'd work out, you'd start calling him Geraldo, and that would be eww," Lisa said taking a sip of Emilys coffee.
Both women laughed, but then Lisa got serious.
"So the final conclusion is that Gerard is completely awesome?"
Emily thought for a moment. Warm feeling rushed over her and landed in her stomach, it had been along time since she had felt this good about a man. A long time. She was really surprised that after all messing and fucking up, she was sitting there, ready to say that there was an awesome guy on her way.

Flashback;
Emily giggled uncontrollably and almost fell off her chair. Lisa and Brandon changed a look on the other side of the table and looked hopeless. Emily on the other hand felt great.
The loud beating from the clubs DJs speakers, and even if it was just some rave song for the clubbers, something that Emily never listened to, made her want to dance. The bright lights, in all colors of a rainbow, shot through her eyelids making her see colourful dots everywhere. She giggled at that, again totally uncontrolled. She looked around, saw a club full of people having fun, and for a brief moment she just looked at it. The slight madness of it all made her giggle again.
This time she did fell off her chair. She wanted to laugh at the low thump her body had made when it collided the hard, dirty floor, but she wasn't able to. The combination of booze and something she had just taken from her fathers medicine box was finally kicking in, making her recently perfect vision blurry and turning her insides up.
Fuck, do I feel bad right now, she thought. After just sitting on the floor for few seconds, like in slow motion she saw a hand grab her hand and lift her floppy body up.
Thank God, that floor was pretty damn uncomfortable place to be, she thought and tried to concentrate her eyes to the face of her lifter. It seemed like a young man, who she had never seen before. His smile was big and when he spoke, Emily just stared at it.
"HEYY BEATIFULL. HAD TO LIFT YA UP THERE-," the man yelled making his voice still sound hoarse over the beating, that sounded louder by every second that Emily listened to it. She didn't hear half of what the man said, but when she felt him drag her to the direction of the dancefloor, she followed.
Voices of her friends drowned to the beating. All she cared about was keeping on a move. No matter how drunk or high she was, she still figured that if she'd stop moving now, everything would come up. The lights burning her closed eyes, the music hurting her ears, the mans sweaty hands moving over her hips, and the blood on her veins running faster and faster, and still she kept moving, telling herself she was having great time..

Next time she opened her eyes, they got hurt by a different light.
She blinked for several times, and when she looked around, she figured she was in hospital. Three white walls she saw, were all plain, only one closed door on of them. At lest it was quiet. A little too quiet.
She tried to sit up, but gave up trying. Every move she made, caused huge pain in her mid-body. First she wondered what smelled so mad in the room. After all it was hospital, usually they're clean and everything. When she noticed she was the source of the smell, it was underrated to say she felt terrible.
She was alone for quite some time. No signs of doctors, nurses or her friends. Silence made her think, even she tried not to for a while. She knew thinking would make her realise even better how badly she was messing up, and denial felt sweet. But of course, reality got to her and bit hard.
"Fuck," she whispered feeling how dry her mouth was. She squeezed her eyes close and held back tears. It worked. For a minute.
Never had she felt so alone and lost.

Present;
"Yea," she said lifting her head, shaking the memory off her mind, " Gerard is completely awesome."
Lisa smiled and leaned her head to her hand.
"You do realise he could be a drug-addict, rapist, terrorist, murdered, politician or someone really crazy. Like my Brandy," Lisa said smirking.
"Do you realise you've seen Sleepless in Seattle way too many times?"
They laughed and Emily finished her coffee.


Gerard woke up to beeping sound of his Sidekick. He raised his head and grunted. He thanked himself for leaving the phone to the floor near the bed, so he didn't have to get up to answer it. He checked the caller ID. Frank.
"What?"
Frank laughed on the other line. "Well that's nice way to say good morning to your best buddy."
Gerard sit up. His covers fell off him and the cool air chilled his bare chest. He grabbed the covers quickly over his shoulders again. "Who said you're my best friend?"
"Oh that hurt."
"Live with it," Gerard said rudely and scraped his head. He was tired.
"Isn't someone happy today," Frank said, " I take your apologizing didn't go that well then huh?"
Gerard stared at the floor for a moment. "NO," he said irritated, only to hear how Frank yelled to someone that they owned him five bucks.
"Ha, I just knew you couldn't do it man. Age is creeping to you, isn't it?" Franks voice was so amused, Gerard wanted to hit him, even he knew he was just kidding.
"Actually, " Gerard said, "it went perfectly. AND we went for a dinner."
Frank was silent for a moment. But only for a moment.
"GODDAMMIT, I TAKE THAT BACK RAY, YOU OWE ME NOTHING," he yelled at the top of his lungs, clearly forgetting Gerard had his ear clued to the phone.
"How was the dinner?"
"It was nice," Gerard said after switching the phone to his other ear.
"Nice? Dinner at parents is nice, you were on a fucking date."
"I know."
"You're not telling me anything else?"
"No," Gerard sighed.
"That sucks donkey ass, "Frank protested, " but okay. How are you man?"
Gerard sneered and then thought whether to tell Frank what he had just realised or not. Frank knew to be quiet and wait for his friends answer for a change. Gerard sighed multiple times, not saying anything, and when he finally spoke, his voice was a whisper.
"Have you ever been alone Frank?"
"Huh? Alone? Like alone in ," Frank stuttered trying to figure what he meant. He get that Gerard was coming to thee issue, he wanted in every way to make him tell it and he hope that he wouldn't make Gerard not to tell.
"Yea, alone."
Frank was still confused. "Umm. Could you explain to me, 'cause I don't think I'm getting what you mean."
"When I say alone," Gerard said keeping his voice still and quiet, "I mean really alone. Not alone for two months between relationships, not for years in high school when you were outcast, I mean alone."
He paused for a moment and Frank held hid breath.
"So fucking alone, you think you're never gonna meet anyone again. That you're sure you walked past the love of your life somewhere down the road, that you fucked up with some ex who was supposed to be the one. So alone, that you start to pity yourself. When you see a happy couple, totally in love, no matter how happy you are for the couple, you get jealous. Not only jealous, you want to fucking puke every time you see them," he talked completely blankly, and Frank kept listening, but he was bit afraid.
"After the self-pity, you start to tease yourself. Even if you know in the back of your mind there is no point, you still go out. You still go out, have pointless sex, with people you know nothing about, and- for fucks sake- don't even want to know, just in case one of those people could be something. Funny thing is that those people turn out to be the same. Nothing special," finally his voice got some emotion to it, just that it was slight anger. Frank didn't dare to say anything.
"And all that, all that loneliness, it eats you. Fucking eats you from the inside. That's why nobody sees it, nobody knows what you're feeling and you can't go telling them, 'cause most of the part, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE," Gerard yelled the end and panted a little.
"And still it is there. Nothing makes it go away, nothing helps. Friends, music, make no difference. You can't make it go away, but you can't just help to live with it. You don't want to give up. Though, the same time you feel like you've already given. You live in a bubble, in your own little, sad, lonely world, you feel completely lost. And still you live your life as normal as you should, but it feels shitty all the time. So Frank," Gerard said, voice thick with emotion, "have you ever been alone?"
Silence was long and heavy. Frank stared at the walls of Rays kitchen and tried to get a word out of his mouth. Any word would be great.
In his room Gerard felt weird. He didn't know should he be relieved now that the thing was laid out open to the table, or should he feel completely stupid for telling Frank all this. Franks silence didn't make him feel any better.
"Uhhhhhmm," Frank said slowly, " I haven't been alone. But... you have, right?" He tried desperately to get all flying thoughts in order.
"Yea," Gerard whispered.
"Actually, you.... Are?" Frank asked slowly and quiet, like it was hard for him to talk.
"Yea."
Gerard's voice was tearing Franks heart apart. It wasn't pleasant to hear one of your best friends ever so defeated, so beaten, so full of agony. And most importantly, Frank had no idea what to do or to say.