Categories > Original > Humor > Deconstruction
Divinity and the Art of Quaffing
1 reviewWe see through the eyes of the sun god. Then we see through ale goggles in a singles bar. It's all good.
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(Scene:
(Scene: ..? The world seems to be ablaze in shades of red, gold, white and blue. Dim shapes move in the distance: the silhouettes of ...men? Each flicker has purpose. Each thought of each soul is one glint of the blazing day that is existence. From great height, all is revealed in pattern. We see through the eyes of the sun god.)
(One shadow approaches, its features growing clearer. Too close; it will be consumed, but it is the way of life to rise and die and rise again in the-- oh wait; it's Emal.)
EMAL: (Narrowing his eyes against the blaze) The Messenger greets the Sun Most High and craves permission to speak further.
(He is permitted. The light will reveal.)
EMAL: The divine lady Kojiia, Stormcloud, bids you know that while she will ever block your acts as you must ever scald her, she felt great honor in that which was entrusted. It pains her then, to say that that which was entrusted has been taken, and by a being of motive foul.
(A thing of value left with Stormcloud... Only one, then. Only the one which it might be. It must be recovered.)
EMAL: She awaits your act or inact, and holds her thunder at bay against it. In her name I beg the Sun Most High to recover that which was lost, before it find the Hidden Thing, and grow to its full power.
(The thing of value must be found. The Hidden Thing must remain.)
EMAL: Okay; that's it. Anything to say back or shall I be on my way?
(The messenger will find the thing of value.)
EMAL: You say something?
(The messenger will find the thing of value and return it to Kojiia. May the Stormcloud shield it better this second time, that stupid twit.)
EMAL: You what?!
(No; really! She's always losing things. I must have been really wasted to leave it with her.)
EMAL: No no no no! Find it? What does it look like? What is it?
(The messenger will find the thing of value. The messenger will go.)
EMAL: God-dammit!
(The messenger will not tempt the light.)
EMAL: Sorry, dude.
('S cool...)
(Interior, the nave, just outside the sanctorum. Soot is sitting with the two priests, Amlah still on his shoulder. He looks up as Emal emerges.)
EMAL: Amlah, get your feathery rump in gear; we've got a new mystery gig.
AMLAH: Goodie!
EMAL: Yeesh...
SOOT: Emal, may I ask you something?
EMAL: Shoot, kid.
SOOT: ...so are you the messenger because your head doesn't explode when you look at the gods, or does your head not explode when you look at the gods 'cause you're the messenger?
EMAL: (Blinks.) No, I didn't think I was having enough nightmares already. Thank you, Soot! (To Amlah) So did the priests know anything about Soot's family?
AMLAH: No... Looks like we'll have to find the little guy's parents ourselves! Surely you remember something about where you lived, little master.
SOOT: Umm...
EMAL: We'll start tomorrow. I know an inn where we can stay. (Sighs) Looks like no cheap beer and drunken women for me tonight. Let's get outta here. (To Amlah) You wouldn't believe what that guy wants me to do next!
AMLAH: Oh you of teensy faith!
SOOT: (Eagerly) The priests were telling me all about this guy! The sun-god is cool! They said that the day is a somethagiggy for renewal, and height is a metaphor for wisdom. The sun-god spends days watching the pattern of existence. He's got like the ultimate perspeggive and stuff!
AMLAH: Perspective, little master.
EMAL: And he gives such specific instructions... (grumbles)
AMLAH: (To Emal) Such a young person, and his enthusiasm far outstrips yours.
EMAL: Yeah, yeah...
SOOT: And he can use his perspeggive to destroy his enemies in the most excruciating way possible! And he can wilt crops and burn cities! He totally rocks! I wanna be just like him when I grow up!!
AMLAH: (Blinks)
EMAL: Well that was different.
(The levy above the river.)
JEDD: Are you sure, man?
HATRI: Of course not, but where else could he have gone?
JEDD: There's no way he could have crossed the Cronno! The river would have sensed his presence and killed him!
HATRI: But you said yourself that his aura's being shielded!
JEDD: From a mage-school dropout like me, but from a river god?
HATRI: Look; the tracks lead here, and they go straight toward the ferry. He's obviously going to Coratheim!
ORANFH: (mumbles)
JEDD: He's right! You just stumbled across those tracks; how do we know they're the right ones? And this kid even had an adult with him!
HATRI: Which makes sense! Do you think he got himself out of that cage? Someone hit your uncle Fzzr over the head with a fish and took him along.
ORANFH: (mumbles)
HATRI: Great idea, man!
JEDD: Yeah, you rock!
HATRI: It's set, then?
JEDD: Let's go: We'll just ask the ferryguy if he saw him!
HATRI: And then we'll get drunk!
(Scene, back at the brigand camp. A dark silhouette raises its hand toward the fire. As the dimness gathers around it, images form in the flames. We see Jedd arguing with Hatri. We see the river.)
(The silhouette motions to a brigand to bring it something. He draws closer, and we see him hand the figure Emal's discarded orthopaedic-nightmare shoes. The silhouette scratches a dark finger across a stain on the wood -- blood from Emal's feet. It raises its arm and tosses one shoe into the fire.)
(Sparks and steam rise, and we see an image of a young man in an embroidered robe walking down a cobbled street toward an inn. He looks over his shoulder and we see his mouth move as if he's speaking. A small boy trots up behind him with something too small to make out on his shoulder. The young man speaks. The child answers. The small thing flutters. The young man falls over twitching.)
(The figure goes still as the image fades. It rises to its feet, gathering its cloak. It motions to one of the men.)
BRIGAND RYUA: Now, boss?
(The figure nods and speaks quietly.)
RYUA: Yes, boss! I'll take care of business until you get back.
(Without further fanfare, the figure glides off into the woods. As quiet as the crackling wood, we hear it whisper a word:"
"Messenger..."
(The Inn. Emal has gotten a room with two narrow beds.)
EMAL: See, Amlah? This is why I've started talking to the priests about money. The ferries, the innkeepers, the cobblers; they don't give free to the servants of the gods anymore. If you think about it; it's only fair.
AMLAH: Hmmph!
SOOT: The temple was really cool!
EMAL: That's nice, kid. Get some sleep.
SOOT: And they had all these awesome fires with I don't know what burning, but they told me not to go near them. (Laughs) Heh! Blindfolded guys!
EMAL: Time to sleep, Soot.
SOOT: It was the most amazing fire I've ever felt -- uh! Seen!
EMAL: That's nice: sleep. (rubs his eyes) In the morning, I need to figure out what to do about this 'thing of value' that Pyrosk was talking about.
SOOT: 'Thing of value'?
AMLAH: Indeed. There are many things of value to the sun god Most High, but which would he have left with the Divine Lady of the Stormcloud?
SOOT: (To self) Kojiia...
EMAL: Especially considering this 'hidden whatever' or something.
SOOT: Hidden whatever!
EMAL: Hmm?
SOOT: I uh... I heard my, uh, parents talk about something like that once!
AMLAH: Most excellent! Perhaps they will share more with us when we deliver you to their joyous hands on the morrow.
SOOT: Um... Why don't I just take you where I think it is? That'd save so much time!
EMAL: Soot; bedtime! Now!
SOOT: I'm not tired yet!
EMAL: (To Amlah) Any chance you could... (Emal points at Soot and mimes going stiff and shaking.)
AMLAH: (Hands on hips.) Tasering a child? That's awful! (Takes out taser)
EMAL: Yeah, well sometimes. I'm glad you see this my way for on--
BZZZZZT.
SOOT: I don't want to go to sleep yet! Amlah, do I have to?
EMAL: (Head still steaming.) (To Amlah) Quit doing that!!
AMLAH: Now little master Soot; you need your rest!
SOOT: No I don't! Let's go find this hidden thingie!
EMAL: No way! This has been wierd, kid, but we're taking you back to your parents tomorrow and that's that!
SOOT: (Under breath.) Well I can't have /that/... (Usual voice.) Come on! I can be useful! Let me come with you!
EMAL: Out of the question. Not only is it too dangerous to take an eight year-old, not only do I have no idea where I'm going, not only do I have to be back in time for my bishounen interview, but we're not even looking for some hidden thing! Pyrosk may be a bit overbearing and an absolute moron about giving instruct-- DON'T YOU DARE!!
AMLAH: (Grumbles and puts away her taser.)
EMAL: --instructions, but I was able to get the idea that the hidden thing stays hidden, we stay away from it, and find this thing of value.
SOOT: But the sun-god said that whoever took the thing was doing it to find the hidden one!
EMAL: (blinks)
SOOT: Um... I mean .../didn't/ he? (gulps) And you don't even know what this thing of value is, right? Just that whoever took it is going to use it to get the hidden thing, so the best thing to do would be to find the hidden thing yourself and wait for the thief to come to you.
AMLAH: The little master has a point, master Emal.
EMAL: (To Soot) You're ...wierd.
(Interior: Ye Cheape Singles Barr. Our B-party is in assorted states of inebriation.)
JEDD: (To quasi-attractive woman.) So yeah, baby, I spent some time at mage college; but I'd sure like to invoke your familiar spirit!
HATRI: You know what confuses me, Oranfh?
ORANFH: (mumbles)
HATRI: If the kid is so dangerous, why wouldn't the boss just kill him? This isn't one of those times when the heroes are convinced that the evil creature's heart can be turned toward goodness, is it? I hate it when that happens.
ORANFH: (shrugs)
HATRI: It's just that we spent all that time and energy kidnapping him in the first place. (Starts to laugh.) Blindfolded guys!
ORANFH: (mumble-laughs)
JEDD: (To woman) Okay, just a minute; let me focus. (Picks up a glass, which is quickly surrounded by an ooky green glow.) Tadaa!
WOMAN: ...?
JEDD: I performed a conversion!
WOMAN: You did? (sips)
JEDD: Yeah; I turned beer into ale!
HATRI: That's lame, man.
JEDD: Shut up!
(Scene: ..? The world seems to be ablaze in shades of red, gold, white and blue. Dim shapes move in the distance: the silhouettes of ...men? Each flicker has purpose. Each thought of each soul is one glint of the blazing day that is existence. From great height, all is revealed in pattern. We see through the eyes of the sun god.)
(One shadow approaches, its features growing clearer. Too close; it will be consumed, but it is the way of life to rise and die and rise again in the-- oh wait; it's Emal.)
EMAL: (Narrowing his eyes against the blaze) The Messenger greets the Sun Most High and craves permission to speak further.
(He is permitted. The light will reveal.)
EMAL: The divine lady Kojiia, Stormcloud, bids you know that while she will ever block your acts as you must ever scald her, she felt great honor in that which was entrusted. It pains her then, to say that that which was entrusted has been taken, and by a being of motive foul.
(A thing of value left with Stormcloud... Only one, then. Only the one which it might be. It must be recovered.)
EMAL: She awaits your act or inact, and holds her thunder at bay against it. In her name I beg the Sun Most High to recover that which was lost, before it find the Hidden Thing, and grow to its full power.
(The thing of value must be found. The Hidden Thing must remain.)
EMAL: Okay; that's it. Anything to say back or shall I be on my way?
(The messenger will find the thing of value.)
EMAL: You say something?
(The messenger will find the thing of value and return it to Kojiia. May the Stormcloud shield it better this second time, that stupid twit.)
EMAL: You what?!
(No; really! She's always losing things. I must have been really wasted to leave it with her.)
EMAL: No no no no! Find it? What does it look like? What is it?
(The messenger will find the thing of value. The messenger will go.)
EMAL: God-dammit!
(The messenger will not tempt the light.)
EMAL: Sorry, dude.
('S cool...)
(Interior, the nave, just outside the sanctorum. Soot is sitting with the two priests, Amlah still on his shoulder. He looks up as Emal emerges.)
EMAL: Amlah, get your feathery rump in gear; we've got a new mystery gig.
AMLAH: Goodie!
EMAL: Yeesh...
SOOT: Emal, may I ask you something?
EMAL: Shoot, kid.
SOOT: ...so are you the messenger because your head doesn't explode when you look at the gods, or does your head not explode when you look at the gods 'cause you're the messenger?
EMAL: (Blinks.) No, I didn't think I was having enough nightmares already. Thank you, Soot! (To Amlah) So did the priests know anything about Soot's family?
AMLAH: No... Looks like we'll have to find the little guy's parents ourselves! Surely you remember something about where you lived, little master.
SOOT: Umm...
EMAL: We'll start tomorrow. I know an inn where we can stay. (Sighs) Looks like no cheap beer and drunken women for me tonight. Let's get outta here. (To Amlah) You wouldn't believe what that guy wants me to do next!
AMLAH: Oh you of teensy faith!
SOOT: (Eagerly) The priests were telling me all about this guy! The sun-god is cool! They said that the day is a somethagiggy for renewal, and height is a metaphor for wisdom. The sun-god spends days watching the pattern of existence. He's got like the ultimate perspeggive and stuff!
AMLAH: Perspective, little master.
EMAL: And he gives such specific instructions... (grumbles)
AMLAH: (To Emal) Such a young person, and his enthusiasm far outstrips yours.
EMAL: Yeah, yeah...
SOOT: And he can use his perspeggive to destroy his enemies in the most excruciating way possible! And he can wilt crops and burn cities! He totally rocks! I wanna be just like him when I grow up!!
AMLAH: (Blinks)
EMAL: Well that was different.
(The levy above the river.)
JEDD: Are you sure, man?
HATRI: Of course not, but where else could he have gone?
JEDD: There's no way he could have crossed the Cronno! The river would have sensed his presence and killed him!
HATRI: But you said yourself that his aura's being shielded!
JEDD: From a mage-school dropout like me, but from a river god?
HATRI: Look; the tracks lead here, and they go straight toward the ferry. He's obviously going to Coratheim!
ORANFH: (mumbles)
JEDD: He's right! You just stumbled across those tracks; how do we know they're the right ones? And this kid even had an adult with him!
HATRI: Which makes sense! Do you think he got himself out of that cage? Someone hit your uncle Fzzr over the head with a fish and took him along.
ORANFH: (mumbles)
HATRI: Great idea, man!
JEDD: Yeah, you rock!
HATRI: It's set, then?
JEDD: Let's go: We'll just ask the ferryguy if he saw him!
HATRI: And then we'll get drunk!
(Scene, back at the brigand camp. A dark silhouette raises its hand toward the fire. As the dimness gathers around it, images form in the flames. We see Jedd arguing with Hatri. We see the river.)
(The silhouette motions to a brigand to bring it something. He draws closer, and we see him hand the figure Emal's discarded orthopaedic-nightmare shoes. The silhouette scratches a dark finger across a stain on the wood -- blood from Emal's feet. It raises its arm and tosses one shoe into the fire.)
(Sparks and steam rise, and we see an image of a young man in an embroidered robe walking down a cobbled street toward an inn. He looks over his shoulder and we see his mouth move as if he's speaking. A small boy trots up behind him with something too small to make out on his shoulder. The young man speaks. The child answers. The small thing flutters. The young man falls over twitching.)
(The figure goes still as the image fades. It rises to its feet, gathering its cloak. It motions to one of the men.)
BRIGAND RYUA: Now, boss?
(The figure nods and speaks quietly.)
RYUA: Yes, boss! I'll take care of business until you get back.
(Without further fanfare, the figure glides off into the woods. As quiet as the crackling wood, we hear it whisper a word:"
"Messenger..."
(The Inn. Emal has gotten a room with two narrow beds.)
EMAL: See, Amlah? This is why I've started talking to the priests about money. The ferries, the innkeepers, the cobblers; they don't give free to the servants of the gods anymore. If you think about it; it's only fair.
AMLAH: Hmmph!
SOOT: The temple was really cool!
EMAL: That's nice, kid. Get some sleep.
SOOT: And they had all these awesome fires with I don't know what burning, but they told me not to go near them. (Laughs) Heh! Blindfolded guys!
EMAL: Time to sleep, Soot.
SOOT: It was the most amazing fire I've ever felt -- uh! Seen!
EMAL: That's nice: sleep. (rubs his eyes) In the morning, I need to figure out what to do about this 'thing of value' that Pyrosk was talking about.
SOOT: 'Thing of value'?
AMLAH: Indeed. There are many things of value to the sun god Most High, but which would he have left with the Divine Lady of the Stormcloud?
SOOT: (To self) Kojiia...
EMAL: Especially considering this 'hidden whatever' or something.
SOOT: Hidden whatever!
EMAL: Hmm?
SOOT: I uh... I heard my, uh, parents talk about something like that once!
AMLAH: Most excellent! Perhaps they will share more with us when we deliver you to their joyous hands on the morrow.
SOOT: Um... Why don't I just take you where I think it is? That'd save so much time!
EMAL: Soot; bedtime! Now!
SOOT: I'm not tired yet!
EMAL: (To Amlah) Any chance you could... (Emal points at Soot and mimes going stiff and shaking.)
AMLAH: (Hands on hips.) Tasering a child? That's awful! (Takes out taser)
EMAL: Yeah, well sometimes. I'm glad you see this my way for on--
BZZZZZT.
SOOT: I don't want to go to sleep yet! Amlah, do I have to?
EMAL: (Head still steaming.) (To Amlah) Quit doing that!!
AMLAH: Now little master Soot; you need your rest!
SOOT: No I don't! Let's go find this hidden thingie!
EMAL: No way! This has been wierd, kid, but we're taking you back to your parents tomorrow and that's that!
SOOT: (Under breath.) Well I can't have /that/... (Usual voice.) Come on! I can be useful! Let me come with you!
EMAL: Out of the question. Not only is it too dangerous to take an eight year-old, not only do I have no idea where I'm going, not only do I have to be back in time for my bishounen interview, but we're not even looking for some hidden thing! Pyrosk may be a bit overbearing and an absolute moron about giving instruct-- DON'T YOU DARE!!
AMLAH: (Grumbles and puts away her taser.)
EMAL: --instructions, but I was able to get the idea that the hidden thing stays hidden, we stay away from it, and find this thing of value.
SOOT: But the sun-god said that whoever took the thing was doing it to find the hidden one!
EMAL: (blinks)
SOOT: Um... I mean .../didn't/ he? (gulps) And you don't even know what this thing of value is, right? Just that whoever took it is going to use it to get the hidden thing, so the best thing to do would be to find the hidden thing yourself and wait for the thief to come to you.
AMLAH: The little master has a point, master Emal.
EMAL: (To Soot) You're ...wierd.
(Interior: Ye Cheape Singles Barr. Our B-party is in assorted states of inebriation.)
JEDD: (To quasi-attractive woman.) So yeah, baby, I spent some time at mage college; but I'd sure like to invoke your familiar spirit!
HATRI: You know what confuses me, Oranfh?
ORANFH: (mumbles)
HATRI: If the kid is so dangerous, why wouldn't the boss just kill him? This isn't one of those times when the heroes are convinced that the evil creature's heart can be turned toward goodness, is it? I hate it when that happens.
ORANFH: (shrugs)
HATRI: It's just that we spent all that time and energy kidnapping him in the first place. (Starts to laugh.) Blindfolded guys!
ORANFH: (mumble-laughs)
JEDD: (To woman) Okay, just a minute; let me focus. (Picks up a glass, which is quickly surrounded by an ooky green glow.) Tadaa!
WOMAN: ...?
JEDD: I performed a conversion!
WOMAN: You did? (sips)
JEDD: Yeah; I turned beer into ale!
HATRI: That's lame, man.
JEDD: Shut up!
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