Categories > Original > Humor > Deconstruction
Every Job Has Its Perks
1 reviewEmal and Soot have reached Coratheim with a message for the sun god, but not before Emal runs a little errand...
1Funny
Every job has some perks... NOT-SO-IRRELEVANT AUTHOR'S NOTE: Emal, Amlah, Soot, the assorted wood brigands, many characters yet to be posted here, and the world they live in are my own original work, though some of them are named after people I know from online. Over the course of this story, however, I am probably going to mention characters and concepts from other pieces and real life. In each case, disclaimers will usually come at the end of each installment. Like now:
Please see the end of this chapter for disclaimer.
(Cobbled street -- Coratheim. It is a rather quiet and only moderately bustling afternoon; market day is some time away.)
EMAL: Amlah, you really have to stop doing that. It's killing off my brain cells and the joke was old at least three scenes ago.
AMLAH: So don't be bad! Your mother and father raised you to know right from wrong!
EMAL: Yeah, but they--
SOOT: Where are we going?
AMLAH: Master Emal must deliver his message from Her Most High Kojiia, Lady of the Stormcloud to her kinsman Pyrosk!
SOOT: (Stuttering) P-py--
EMAL: Don't even try, kid. It took me years to get all the pronunciations right. Just call him "sun god;" he seems to dig that.
SOOT: (Gulps.) Okay.
EMAL: But that's not where we're going first, anyway.
AMLAH: Mmmmm. (Begins to reach for taser.)
EMAL: Come on! He never takes messages during the day anyway! We'll run my errand and then head for the temple. Someone there will probably know Soot's family. (Shakes his head) Kid, by the time I was eight, I had my address down cold. I can't believe your mom would let something like that slip!
SOOT: Heh. Yeah...
EMAL: Here we are!
(The three of them come to a stop outside a thatched building with a sign over its door which bears the image of a sword upright against a bottle of Herbal Essences.)
(Interior: Coratheim-area Bishounen Guild Offices. The place is economically furnished with linoleum floors, and there are shelves with pamphlets. Doors lead to a library and a small gym for local and visiting members and a midsized gathering room. On the wall are signed, framed photographs, obviously taken on the premises: In one, Sephiroth smiles brightly while giving the "peace" sign, though there are also pictures of Inuyasha, Kit, Eikre, and half the male cast of "Gundam Wing.")
EMAL: (Flashes his pearly whites at the receptionist.) I'd like an application form, please!
RECEPTIONIST: (Looks Emal up and down.) I know this is the bishie guild, hon, but what's with the dress?
(Exterior, Bishounen Guild Offices. Emal walks out to the street where Amlah and Soot have been playing some kind of dice game while they waited. Emal is reading a pamphlet.)
EMAL: Lemme see. Grow my hair out... (Tugs a strand of his bowl cut and makes a face.) That'll take a while, but it doesn't sound too hard. Do eggwhites really do that? (Skeptical.) "To Fringe or not to Fringe: Bangs and You."
SOOT: How'd it go?
EMAL: I'm being scheduled for an interview. Ready to go see the temple, Soot? Have you ever been there before?
SOOT: (Clams up.) N-no...
(Exterior: Cobbled street in Coratheim. This one is much wider, with smoother stones, spreading off into a wide square.)
EMAL: Surely you've been here before, Soot. You must really know your way around.
SOOT: Um ...'course! Lots of times!
AMLAH: Let's see if you remember your city cartography! (Points to a building with white block pillars) To what exalted purpose is that house of grandeur?
SOOT: (Tensely clueless) Uh... city ...senate?
AMLAH: And that one? (points)
SOOT: (Nervously clueless) Department of Sanitation?
AMLAH: Silly! That's for the department of public education, (Shakes a finger) and it seems they've been lax!
EMAL: Don't be so hard on the kid, Amlah. Give him an easy one.
AMLAH: Any son of Coratheim should know these things! Little master Soot, please point to the temple of our Most High sun god!
SOOT: (Absolutely sure) Right there.
(Soot has pointed to a grand hall, with gates embossed with garnets and gold.)
EMAL: See? He didn't even have to look up for that one. Let's go.
(Our Zeroes walk toward the temple of Pyrosk.)
AMLAH: You see, little master (hovers in front of Soot), while the gods themselves are in all practical ways invulnerable to harm, they dearly esteem the sanctity of their holy spaces. Do you know why the priests build those pillars?
(Amlah points to a semicircle of five oddly stocky and plain structures. They are made not of marble, like the rest of the grand buildings, but of some substance not readily identifyable as wood, stone or metal. The tapered summit of each bears the mandala-sign of Pyrosk, the Undying Sun. Around each base are signs that we would recognize as runes, kanji, ogham and glyphs, among many more which we would not. Though imposing, the pillars are not much taller than men, and seem to stand guard over the temple door.)
SOOT: (Gulps) They're ward pillars. They allow the priests here to sense any aura that passes through them, especially strong ones.
AMLAH: Right! My Master Emal may not take his purpose as seriously as he should, but he gives off an aura like anything! But don't worry -- (she taps him on the nose) we're expected!
EMAL: I hate walking through those things. It's worse than when I eat squid!
AMLAH: Oooooh! (Sits down on Soot's shoulder, folding her arms across her chest and looking away.)
SOOT: (Grows increasingly nervous as they approach the wards. By the time Emal passes through and begins to climb the stairs, Soot is several steps behind.)
EMAL: Come on, kid! Don't you want to see?
SOOT: (Grits his teeth, squeezes his eyes shut and steps across the invisible line between the "wood" and "metal" pillars. He stops just on the other side, as if waiting for something.)
. . .
SOOT: (Opens one eye) Huh?
EMAL: What's the holdup?
SOOT: What the? (Looks at Amlah, still pouting on his shoulder, and his eyes go as big as eggs.) I'm-- I'm coming! (Begins to run up the stairs.) Wait for me!
EMAL: Don't worry, kid; this usually takes a minute. (Emal pauses to make a highly ritualized bow to the cowled acolytes at the gate.)
ACOLYTE: (In Old High Onyx) Who craves entrance to the hall of his Most High?
EMAL: (Badly accented) I am the Messenger.
AMLAH: (Perfect) I am a guide.
SOOT: (Perfect) I am some kid they picked up on the road.
(The acolytes, Emal and Amlah all stare at Soot.)
SOOT: What? I can't have layers?
(The acolytes open the gate and wave the three of them inside, where a number of monks and priests are going about their duties.)
EMAL: I tell you, Soot; my job is terrible! Lousy hours, lousy food, lousy dress code...
ACOLYTE: (Shouting) THE MESSENGER HAS ARRIVED! GREET HIM IN THE USUAL MANNER!!
(There is a loud FOOOMP! as fifty assorted clergy fall face-first on the floor.)
EMAL: ...but I must admit that I do like this part...
AMLAH: (Still in a huff)
(Interior: Temple of Pyrosk. The priests have dusted themselves off and gone back to work. Emal is being escorted toward the nave first by a pair of acolytes, then by a pair of novices. As they approch a certain level, the two guides smoothly swerve away and are replaced by full priests, but unlike the others, these are not only cowled, but blindfolded. Their steps, however, never falter. Soot, his fears pushed aside, is staring gape-jawed at the arched and tiled cieling as they walk.)
SOOT: The sun-god lives here?
PRIEST1: Pyrosk is everywhere his light may touch, my son.
PRIEST2: And by "light," keep in mind that we also mean it in the metaphorical sense like wisdom and stuff.
PRIEST1: This place is merely a focal point for the minds of the masses who come to revere him on the days of observation.
SOOT: So the sun-god lives here?
EMAL: Would you guys watch out for my little buddy here while I do my sacred duty?
PRIEST1: Messenger, the little boys room is that way (points).
EMAL: I meant talk to Lord Pyrosk!!
PRIEST1: Oh! Dude!
PRIEST2: Sure! We'll keep an eye on the kid.
SOOT: (To Emal) You know they're wearing blindfolds, right?
EMAL: Gah! (Slips into the nave.)
.
.
.
.
.
I don't really think I need this thing, but just in case... STOP! DON'T SUE!
I don't own Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII - Squaresoft), Inuyasha (Takahashi Rumiko), Kit (www.acidrefluxcomic.com), Eikre (www.rpgworldcomic.com - Ian J), Herbal Essences, or anyone from Gundam Wing. These names are all used without permission, for what should be obvious reasons.
Please see the end of this chapter for disclaimer.
(Cobbled street -- Coratheim. It is a rather quiet and only moderately bustling afternoon; market day is some time away.)
EMAL: Amlah, you really have to stop doing that. It's killing off my brain cells and the joke was old at least three scenes ago.
AMLAH: So don't be bad! Your mother and father raised you to know right from wrong!
EMAL: Yeah, but they--
SOOT: Where are we going?
AMLAH: Master Emal must deliver his message from Her Most High Kojiia, Lady of the Stormcloud to her kinsman Pyrosk!
SOOT: (Stuttering) P-py--
EMAL: Don't even try, kid. It took me years to get all the pronunciations right. Just call him "sun god;" he seems to dig that.
SOOT: (Gulps.) Okay.
EMAL: But that's not where we're going first, anyway.
AMLAH: Mmmmm. (Begins to reach for taser.)
EMAL: Come on! He never takes messages during the day anyway! We'll run my errand and then head for the temple. Someone there will probably know Soot's family. (Shakes his head) Kid, by the time I was eight, I had my address down cold. I can't believe your mom would let something like that slip!
SOOT: Heh. Yeah...
EMAL: Here we are!
(The three of them come to a stop outside a thatched building with a sign over its door which bears the image of a sword upright against a bottle of Herbal Essences.)
(Interior: Coratheim-area Bishounen Guild Offices. The place is economically furnished with linoleum floors, and there are shelves with pamphlets. Doors lead to a library and a small gym for local and visiting members and a midsized gathering room. On the wall are signed, framed photographs, obviously taken on the premises: In one, Sephiroth smiles brightly while giving the "peace" sign, though there are also pictures of Inuyasha, Kit, Eikre, and half the male cast of "Gundam Wing.")
EMAL: (Flashes his pearly whites at the receptionist.) I'd like an application form, please!
RECEPTIONIST: (Looks Emal up and down.) I know this is the bishie guild, hon, but what's with the dress?
(Exterior, Bishounen Guild Offices. Emal walks out to the street where Amlah and Soot have been playing some kind of dice game while they waited. Emal is reading a pamphlet.)
EMAL: Lemme see. Grow my hair out... (Tugs a strand of his bowl cut and makes a face.) That'll take a while, but it doesn't sound too hard. Do eggwhites really do that? (Skeptical.) "To Fringe or not to Fringe: Bangs and You."
SOOT: How'd it go?
EMAL: I'm being scheduled for an interview. Ready to go see the temple, Soot? Have you ever been there before?
SOOT: (Clams up.) N-no...
(Exterior: Cobbled street in Coratheim. This one is much wider, with smoother stones, spreading off into a wide square.)
EMAL: Surely you've been here before, Soot. You must really know your way around.
SOOT: Um ...'course! Lots of times!
AMLAH: Let's see if you remember your city cartography! (Points to a building with white block pillars) To what exalted purpose is that house of grandeur?
SOOT: (Tensely clueless) Uh... city ...senate?
AMLAH: And that one? (points)
SOOT: (Nervously clueless) Department of Sanitation?
AMLAH: Silly! That's for the department of public education, (Shakes a finger) and it seems they've been lax!
EMAL: Don't be so hard on the kid, Amlah. Give him an easy one.
AMLAH: Any son of Coratheim should know these things! Little master Soot, please point to the temple of our Most High sun god!
SOOT: (Absolutely sure) Right there.
(Soot has pointed to a grand hall, with gates embossed with garnets and gold.)
EMAL: See? He didn't even have to look up for that one. Let's go.
(Our Zeroes walk toward the temple of Pyrosk.)
AMLAH: You see, little master (hovers in front of Soot), while the gods themselves are in all practical ways invulnerable to harm, they dearly esteem the sanctity of their holy spaces. Do you know why the priests build those pillars?
(Amlah points to a semicircle of five oddly stocky and plain structures. They are made not of marble, like the rest of the grand buildings, but of some substance not readily identifyable as wood, stone or metal. The tapered summit of each bears the mandala-sign of Pyrosk, the Undying Sun. Around each base are signs that we would recognize as runes, kanji, ogham and glyphs, among many more which we would not. Though imposing, the pillars are not much taller than men, and seem to stand guard over the temple door.)
SOOT: (Gulps) They're ward pillars. They allow the priests here to sense any aura that passes through them, especially strong ones.
AMLAH: Right! My Master Emal may not take his purpose as seriously as he should, but he gives off an aura like anything! But don't worry -- (she taps him on the nose) we're expected!
EMAL: I hate walking through those things. It's worse than when I eat squid!
AMLAH: Oooooh! (Sits down on Soot's shoulder, folding her arms across her chest and looking away.)
SOOT: (Grows increasingly nervous as they approach the wards. By the time Emal passes through and begins to climb the stairs, Soot is several steps behind.)
EMAL: Come on, kid! Don't you want to see?
SOOT: (Grits his teeth, squeezes his eyes shut and steps across the invisible line between the "wood" and "metal" pillars. He stops just on the other side, as if waiting for something.)
. . .
SOOT: (Opens one eye) Huh?
EMAL: What's the holdup?
SOOT: What the? (Looks at Amlah, still pouting on his shoulder, and his eyes go as big as eggs.) I'm-- I'm coming! (Begins to run up the stairs.) Wait for me!
EMAL: Don't worry, kid; this usually takes a minute. (Emal pauses to make a highly ritualized bow to the cowled acolytes at the gate.)
ACOLYTE: (In Old High Onyx) Who craves entrance to the hall of his Most High?
EMAL: (Badly accented) I am the Messenger.
AMLAH: (Perfect) I am a guide.
SOOT: (Perfect) I am some kid they picked up on the road.
(The acolytes, Emal and Amlah all stare at Soot.)
SOOT: What? I can't have layers?
(The acolytes open the gate and wave the three of them inside, where a number of monks and priests are going about their duties.)
EMAL: I tell you, Soot; my job is terrible! Lousy hours, lousy food, lousy dress code...
ACOLYTE: (Shouting) THE MESSENGER HAS ARRIVED! GREET HIM IN THE USUAL MANNER!!
(There is a loud FOOOMP! as fifty assorted clergy fall face-first on the floor.)
EMAL: ...but I must admit that I do like this part...
AMLAH: (Still in a huff)
(Interior: Temple of Pyrosk. The priests have dusted themselves off and gone back to work. Emal is being escorted toward the nave first by a pair of acolytes, then by a pair of novices. As they approch a certain level, the two guides smoothly swerve away and are replaced by full priests, but unlike the others, these are not only cowled, but blindfolded. Their steps, however, never falter. Soot, his fears pushed aside, is staring gape-jawed at the arched and tiled cieling as they walk.)
SOOT: The sun-god lives here?
PRIEST1: Pyrosk is everywhere his light may touch, my son.
PRIEST2: And by "light," keep in mind that we also mean it in the metaphorical sense like wisdom and stuff.
PRIEST1: This place is merely a focal point for the minds of the masses who come to revere him on the days of observation.
SOOT: So the sun-god lives here?
EMAL: Would you guys watch out for my little buddy here while I do my sacred duty?
PRIEST1: Messenger, the little boys room is that way (points).
EMAL: I meant talk to Lord Pyrosk!!
PRIEST1: Oh! Dude!
PRIEST2: Sure! We'll keep an eye on the kid.
SOOT: (To Emal) You know they're wearing blindfolds, right?
EMAL: Gah! (Slips into the nave.)
.
.
.
.
.
I don't really think I need this thing, but just in case... STOP! DON'T SUE!
I don't own Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII - Squaresoft), Inuyasha (Takahashi Rumiko), Kit (www.acidrefluxcomic.com), Eikre (www.rpgworldcomic.com - Ian J), Herbal Essences, or anyone from Gundam Wing. These names are all used without permission, for what should be obvious reasons.
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