Categories > Original > Humor > Deconstruction
Needing Direction
1 review"When will you abandon these distractions and embrace your destiny?" demanded Amlah. "When my destiny is a hot chick!"
1Funny
WARNING: IRRELEVANT AUTHOR'S NOTE AHEAD WARNING: IRRELEVANT AUTHOR'S NOTE AHEAD!!
The original version of this story was written last November (2002) in my favorite forum - right after fanfiction was banned there. I had to stop another piece in the middle, and felt like making some people laugh. It's light, stupid, relatively lowbrow humor. It's supposed to be.
Have I given you a nasty review lately? Get revenge!!
(The Ferryguy is poling across the river, blinking occasionally at Amlah -- she is a naked chick -- who is hovering in front of Emal. Soot is making "meep!" and "merfle!" noises while clinging to Emal with all his might.)
AMLAH: So what do you wish to do once you've delivered your message, Master Emal?
EMAL: Well, Amlah, I've been doing some --ggkk!! (Emal picks Soot's hand out of his mouth.) --thinking, and I think I need a new angle. I'm stuck with this messenger gig and I can't change that.
AMLAH: Oh Master Emal! I have been waiting for you to realize that your view of life needs adjustment!
EMAL: Well I figured that as long as I (Emal blinks heavily as Soot puts his hand over one of his eyes.) have this look I might as well find a way to make it work -- and hang with guys who won't look down on me!
AMLAH: Master Emal, when I said I felt that your life needed more direction I didn't exactly mean that you should --
EMAL: I'm joining the bishonen guild!!
AMLAH: What?!
EMAL: I need to learn to be effeminate in a way that will get me chicks!
AMLAH: (Hands on hips, shaking head.) Oh, Master Emal...
(The foothills beneath Mouth Lorel. The three brigands are consumed in the pursuit of the escaped Soot!)
HATRI: Come on guys, you know the words!
ORANFH: (mumbles)
JEDD: Not another one of your infernal singalongs!
HATRI: But I get bored! All we do is walk!
ORANFH: (mumbles)
JEDD: Hatri, we disappointed our chieftaness; we just barely escaped with our skins! We could have died not sixteen hours ago, and we have no resources, limited funds, and a nearly impossible quarry to track not to mention that we have to bring it back alive and while it's loose it could do incalculable damage to society and the world itself!! We may just have to kill it for the good of mortalkind and then take our chances with the boss!
HATRI: (Thinks) But what if I let you pick the song?
JEDD: Gah!
HATRI: How 'bout you?
ORANFH: (mumbles)
HATRI: Great choice!! (Inhales) 'Cause I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay...
ORANFH: (mumbles in tune)
(The ferryguy is approaching the far shore.)
AMLAH: Master Emal, when you said that your life needed direction, I thought you were saying that you meant to become a priest of the geist like your father!
EMAL: No, I wanted to pick up babes.
AMLAH: The vows of a priest of the geist do not forbid him to consort with women.
EMAL: Yeah but I'm pretty sure "thou shalt not pass the nighte in drunken stupour on the floore of ye cheape singles barr" does get mentioned somewhere.
AMLAH: First that correspondence course in secular magic, and now a bishounen membership? When will you give up these depravities and embrace your destiny?
EMAL: When my destiny is a hot chick!
AMLAH: Oooooh! (cutely steamed)
EMAL: Look, featherhead, (Emal pulls himself to his most impressive height. The effect is slightly spoiled by the whimpering eight year-old still clinging to his back.) I didn't have any choice when I took this job -- well okay I did but not a good one -- so why shouldn't I at least get some control over my own life? I don't want to be a priest! Live with it!
FERRYGUY: Alright, folks; we're here.
AMLAH: Dearest riverman, you have the deepest thanks of the most high pantheon and of their chosen messenger! When you stand before them on your final day, be sure that they will remember your kindness and generousity toward--
EMAL: (Pays him) Here's your money, man.
FERRYGUY: No tip?!
EMAL: Times are tough.
FERRYGUY: Cheap #$%*&!!
AMLAH: Ooooo! You! (Shakes her finger at the ferryguy)
FERRYGUY: $%*&, you, little naked flying chick!
AMLAH: (To Emal) And where did you get that money?
EMAL: It was in the insane brigand's shoe. Amlah; we're going to have to have a talk pretty soon... (steps onto dry land)
SOOT: EEEEEEE!!
EMAL: (Covering ears) Gaaaaaah!
SOOT: (Jumps down from Emal's shoulders.) I'm alive! I'm still alive! Oh sweet merciful father above!!
AMLAH: (To Emal) How come you never show that kind of piety?
EMAL: He's obviously never met the guy.
AMLAH: Ooooo!! (Takes out taser.)
BZZZZT!!
(Soot dances and sings "I'm across the big-bad RIV-er! Across the big bad RIV-er!" while Emal lies twitching in the gravel.)
SOOT: (Intensely happy.) Come on, Amlah! Let's go to Coratheim!
EMAL: Geeaaa... (Semiconscious) Loaf of bread, bottle of milk, come home right away...
(The foothills above the levy.)
HATRI and ORANFH: (Oranfh is only mumbling, but with great feeling:) ...do you understand? Am I onlay dreeeeeaming, or is. This. Buuurrning. An. Eee. Ternal flaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!
JEDD: I can't take it anymore!!
HATRI: What, did you want the solo in that?
JEDD: No more singing!! We're rough-and-tumble woodsmen, remember? Manly men don't sing!
HATRI: (Knowing glance with Oranfh) Looks like someone didn't see a certain very special Buffy the Vampire Slayer last season.
ORANFH: (affirmative grunt)
JEDD: (Simmers.)
HATRI: So are we getting close?
JEDD: What do you mean?
HATRI: I mean you're the one who took two semesters at mage college! You've been tracking the kid's aura, right?
JEDD: No! I told you three hours ago; it's like he just disappeared!
HATRI: You did?!
JEDD: (Clenches teeth) You were halfway through "Sunset Boulevard"?
HATRI: Oh yeah; I thought you'd said something...
JEDD: I thought that you were tracking the kid! Y'know, with your super-woodsyguy skills and all that!
HATRI: Umm... Yeah! Yeah I was! He went, uuhhh (points toward the river) that way!
JEDD: (Looks) Well at least we can get a good beer if we stop in the city...
ORANFH: (mumbles)
JEDD: I don't know, man. I don't think his aura just wiped out... He must have found something to sheild him -- a sort of opposite aura to his own. Then I wouldn't be able to sense either one of them! They'd cancel each other out.
ORANFH: (mumbles)
JEDD: Yeah; it is kinda' like electromagnetic theory!
HATRI: But where would he find a being that would emit such a strong aura of good on such short notice?
(Interior; Coratheim customs office.)
EMAL: (Twitching on the floor) Jammies with the feet...
AMLAH: That'll teach you to cut in line!
OFFICER: (To Emal) Sir, this is a non-smoking area. Please put out your head.
The original version of this story was written last November (2002) in my favorite forum - right after fanfiction was banned there. I had to stop another piece in the middle, and felt like making some people laugh. It's light, stupid, relatively lowbrow humor. It's supposed to be.
Have I given you a nasty review lately? Get revenge!!
(The Ferryguy is poling across the river, blinking occasionally at Amlah -- she is a naked chick -- who is hovering in front of Emal. Soot is making "meep!" and "merfle!" noises while clinging to Emal with all his might.)
AMLAH: So what do you wish to do once you've delivered your message, Master Emal?
EMAL: Well, Amlah, I've been doing some --ggkk!! (Emal picks Soot's hand out of his mouth.) --thinking, and I think I need a new angle. I'm stuck with this messenger gig and I can't change that.
AMLAH: Oh Master Emal! I have been waiting for you to realize that your view of life needs adjustment!
EMAL: Well I figured that as long as I (Emal blinks heavily as Soot puts his hand over one of his eyes.) have this look I might as well find a way to make it work -- and hang with guys who won't look down on me!
AMLAH: Master Emal, when I said I felt that your life needed more direction I didn't exactly mean that you should --
EMAL: I'm joining the bishonen guild!!
AMLAH: What?!
EMAL: I need to learn to be effeminate in a way that will get me chicks!
AMLAH: (Hands on hips, shaking head.) Oh, Master Emal...
(The foothills beneath Mouth Lorel. The three brigands are consumed in the pursuit of the escaped Soot!)
HATRI: Come on guys, you know the words!
ORANFH: (mumbles)
JEDD: Not another one of your infernal singalongs!
HATRI: But I get bored! All we do is walk!
ORANFH: (mumbles)
JEDD: Hatri, we disappointed our chieftaness; we just barely escaped with our skins! We could have died not sixteen hours ago, and we have no resources, limited funds, and a nearly impossible quarry to track not to mention that we have to bring it back alive and while it's loose it could do incalculable damage to society and the world itself!! We may just have to kill it for the good of mortalkind and then take our chances with the boss!
HATRI: (Thinks) But what if I let you pick the song?
JEDD: Gah!
HATRI: How 'bout you?
ORANFH: (mumbles)
HATRI: Great choice!! (Inhales) 'Cause I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay...
ORANFH: (mumbles in tune)
(The ferryguy is approaching the far shore.)
AMLAH: Master Emal, when you said that your life needed direction, I thought you were saying that you meant to become a priest of the geist like your father!
EMAL: No, I wanted to pick up babes.
AMLAH: The vows of a priest of the geist do not forbid him to consort with women.
EMAL: Yeah but I'm pretty sure "thou shalt not pass the nighte in drunken stupour on the floore of ye cheape singles barr" does get mentioned somewhere.
AMLAH: First that correspondence course in secular magic, and now a bishounen membership? When will you give up these depravities and embrace your destiny?
EMAL: When my destiny is a hot chick!
AMLAH: Oooooh! (cutely steamed)
EMAL: Look, featherhead, (Emal pulls himself to his most impressive height. The effect is slightly spoiled by the whimpering eight year-old still clinging to his back.) I didn't have any choice when I took this job -- well okay I did but not a good one -- so why shouldn't I at least get some control over my own life? I don't want to be a priest! Live with it!
FERRYGUY: Alright, folks; we're here.
AMLAH: Dearest riverman, you have the deepest thanks of the most high pantheon and of their chosen messenger! When you stand before them on your final day, be sure that they will remember your kindness and generousity toward--
EMAL: (Pays him) Here's your money, man.
FERRYGUY: No tip?!
EMAL: Times are tough.
FERRYGUY: Cheap #$%*&!!
AMLAH: Ooooo! You! (Shakes her finger at the ferryguy)
FERRYGUY: $%*&, you, little naked flying chick!
AMLAH: (To Emal) And where did you get that money?
EMAL: It was in the insane brigand's shoe. Amlah; we're going to have to have a talk pretty soon... (steps onto dry land)
SOOT: EEEEEEE!!
EMAL: (Covering ears) Gaaaaaah!
SOOT: (Jumps down from Emal's shoulders.) I'm alive! I'm still alive! Oh sweet merciful father above!!
AMLAH: (To Emal) How come you never show that kind of piety?
EMAL: He's obviously never met the guy.
AMLAH: Ooooo!! (Takes out taser.)
BZZZZT!!
(Soot dances and sings "I'm across the big-bad RIV-er! Across the big bad RIV-er!" while Emal lies twitching in the gravel.)
SOOT: (Intensely happy.) Come on, Amlah! Let's go to Coratheim!
EMAL: Geeaaa... (Semiconscious) Loaf of bread, bottle of milk, come home right away...
(The foothills above the levy.)
HATRI and ORANFH: (Oranfh is only mumbling, but with great feeling:) ...do you understand? Am I onlay dreeeeeaming, or is. This. Buuurrning. An. Eee. Ternal flaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!
JEDD: I can't take it anymore!!
HATRI: What, did you want the solo in that?
JEDD: No more singing!! We're rough-and-tumble woodsmen, remember? Manly men don't sing!
HATRI: (Knowing glance with Oranfh) Looks like someone didn't see a certain very special Buffy the Vampire Slayer last season.
ORANFH: (affirmative grunt)
JEDD: (Simmers.)
HATRI: So are we getting close?
JEDD: What do you mean?
HATRI: I mean you're the one who took two semesters at mage college! You've been tracking the kid's aura, right?
JEDD: No! I told you three hours ago; it's like he just disappeared!
HATRI: You did?!
JEDD: (Clenches teeth) You were halfway through "Sunset Boulevard"?
HATRI: Oh yeah; I thought you'd said something...
JEDD: I thought that you were tracking the kid! Y'know, with your super-woodsyguy skills and all that!
HATRI: Umm... Yeah! Yeah I was! He went, uuhhh (points toward the river) that way!
JEDD: (Looks) Well at least we can get a good beer if we stop in the city...
ORANFH: (mumbles)
JEDD: I don't know, man. I don't think his aura just wiped out... He must have found something to sheild him -- a sort of opposite aura to his own. Then I wouldn't be able to sense either one of them! They'd cancel each other out.
ORANFH: (mumbles)
JEDD: Yeah; it is kinda' like electromagnetic theory!
HATRI: But where would he find a being that would emit such a strong aura of good on such short notice?
(Interior; Coratheim customs office.)
EMAL: (Twitching on the floor) Jammies with the feet...
AMLAH: That'll teach you to cut in line!
OFFICER: (To Emal) Sir, this is a non-smoking area. Please put out your head.
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