Categories > Original > Humor > Deconstruction
Fun With Tasers
1 reviewThe good news: Emal is taking the rescued prisoner home for a reward. The bad news: Said prisoner was not a cute girl in a ripped costume.
0Unrated
Soot and Emal are sitting by a campfire.
SOOT: Do you really work for the gods?
EMAL: It's not all it's cracked up to be, kid. My bosses are very demanding, and of course, you've met my supervisor.
AMLAH: (Beams.) (...no, really; she's glowing.)
EMAL: ...and thanks for asking about my job, anyway. Most of the time when people find out what I do for a living, all they ever want to know is--
SOOT: (eagerly) Does the goddess Essina really have six boobs?
EMAL: (groans)
AMLAH: No, dearie. That's just a rumor.
EMAL: Not exactly... The gods are not locked to form the way we are -- each observer sees them differently. Essina's a goddess of beauty, so whoever looks upon her face sees only the most beautiful thing imaginable.
SOOT: Wow.
EMAL: ...right before their heads explode.
SOOT: Cool!
EMAL: (chuckles) Actually, yeah.
AMLAH: Now, Emal! It's mean to laugh at other people's heads exploding.
EMAL: Ha ha ha ha!
SOOT: H/EE/ haa ha! (snort!)
EMAL: HAAA heehe ha ha!
AMLAH: (takes out taser)
BZZZZT!
EMAL: Ow! (falls over twitching)
(Meanwhile, in the wood brigand hideout:)
BRIGAND#1: Ennenthin enna talkin' bird enna fellain predadress enna fishanmi hedd!
BRIGAND JEDD: What the heck did he just say?
BRIGAND HATRI: You think I know? He's your uncle!
JEDD: So the kid escaped... The boss isn't going to like this.
HATRI: (Looks fearfully over his shoulder at the other brigands silhouetted against their cooking fires. One dark and ominous hooded form seems to stand out from the others.) ...do you want to tell her?
(Back at Emal and Soot's camp)
SOOT: (fanning smoke away from Emal's head) Did you really have to do that?
AMLAH: He was being mean!
SOOT: Yeah, but if you fry his brain, who's going to take me to Coratheim -- I mean, home!!
EMAL: (slowly regaining consciousness) I gave you my lunch money; now leave me alone...
(Soot and Amlah exchange a confused glance. Amlah shrugs.)
EMAL: (Sitting up) Do you think you might want to turn that thing down? What good is punishing me if I get a memory blackout and can't remember what I did?
AMLAH: It's the only way you'll learn!
EMAL: (to Soot) Did I forget to mention the memory blackouts?
SOOT: No.
EMAL: (to Amlah) Okay, so what if I do something in the middle of a battle? Do you really think that teaching me not to bite my nails is worth having me pass out and get eaten by obra wolves?
AMLAH: You bite your nails?! (takes out taser)
EMAL: (In panic) No!!
(Brigand camp; the sounds of eating, drinking and jostling have died down; a nervous silence fills the hollow.)
JEDD: So I know it was my job to put Uncle Fzzr in charge of the prisoner, but it's not his-- it's not my fault, really!!
SILHOUETTE: (We hear a harsh whisper)
JEDD: Yes boss!! Okay; I'll do it!
SILHOUETTE: (Points to Brigand Hatri and to one other)
HATRI: Yes, boss! Don't come back without him; we've got it!
The three of them hurry from the camp. The other brigands begin to (settle down, but there is still a palpable tension in the--)
JEDD: (ducks back in) Sorry. Has anyone seen my hat?
(Soot and Emal's camp. Emal is chasing Amlah in and out of the frame.)
EMAL: (Chasing Amlah toward the woods) Give me that thing!
AMLAH: No!
EMAL: At least turn the voltage down!
AMLAH: (Changing direction) No!
EMAL: Come back here!
(While Emal and Amlah are busy, Soot reaches into the fire with one hand. His skin neither burns nor smokes, and he begins to smile.)
EMAL: (comes to a stop, breathless, near Soot) It's no use!
SOOT: (yanks hand back) Hm?
EMAL: Get some sleep, kid; we reach the river tomorrow.
(The woods, the next morning. Emal has put out the fire and waves at Soot to come with him down the barely-visible trail.)
SOOT: Are we there yet?
AMLAH: No, little master. We must first go down the moutain and then cross the river and then trek the plains and then get through customs and then--
EMAL: In other words, "no."
(FUrther down Mount Lorel; the vegetation here is far more lush; many types of deciduous trees have filled in to replace the spruce, and clearings are filled with vines and low-growing plants.)
SOOT: Are we there yet?
EMAL: No.
(The foothills beneath Mouth Lorel: the sunlight is dappled here and the earth is rich and black, giving off the scene of summer woodland.)
SOOT: Are we there yet?
EMAL: No.
(The uplands of Mouth Lorel. The spruce are thick, and a recently-abandoned firesite is marked by stones and ash.)
HATRI: Are we there yet?
JEDD: No.
(The flood levy beside the River Cronno, a rocky place, now dry with the ending of spring rains.)
SOOT: Are we there ye-- wow!!
(The trees give way and Emal looks up: the sun is strangely fierce in a perfect and cloudless shell-blue sky. Emal looks about to comment when he sees that Soot, rather, is looking at the river.)
(Our Zeroes --um! I mean Heroes approach the ferry over the River Cronno.)
SOOT: We have to cross that thing?
EMAL: (Picking his way down to the ferry) Well as the city is on that side and we're on this one, I'd say so. ...Unless you know how to fly.
(As Emal walks off with Amlah, Soot, unseen looks about to say something but instead makes the "Damn!!" gesture with both hands.)
SOOT: (Hurrying after Emal.) I don't wanna goooo!!
AMLAH: Actually, Master Emal, flying across the river still counts as crossing it. You see, even though one need not--
EMAL: Bzzzt!
AMLAH: Huh?
EMAL: You're supposed to fall over twitching in extreme and undescribable pain!
AMLAH: But you just made that sound with your mouth.
SOOT: (In an ingratiating tone just this side of whining.) Guys?
EMAL: No I didn't! (Closes eyes.) I've got a taser; I can see it: BZZZZTT!!
AMLAH: Oh please!
EMAL: (Eyes still closed.) You can't talk; you're too busy twitching! (Serene smile.) Oh yeah...
SOOT: Guuuyyeeees!!
AMLAH: Take heart, little master. Think of your joyful parents.
SOOT: Don't need parents; need to stay away from river! (Starts to run.)
EMAL: (Grabs Soot by the collar.) Come on now... My little brother used to be afraid of water too. It'll be over soon and while it pains me to admit it, Amlah's right--
AMLAH: (Flicks hair)
EMAL: -- and you should just think about getting to Coratheim.
SOOT: Yes... Coratheim. (Looks back to river.) Eeeep!!
FERRYGUY: Look at that little fella' jump!
EMAL: Get off me!
SOOT: (Clinging to the back of Emal's head.) I don't wanna go!
SOOT: Do you really work for the gods?
EMAL: It's not all it's cracked up to be, kid. My bosses are very demanding, and of course, you've met my supervisor.
AMLAH: (Beams.) (...no, really; she's glowing.)
EMAL: ...and thanks for asking about my job, anyway. Most of the time when people find out what I do for a living, all they ever want to know is--
SOOT: (eagerly) Does the goddess Essina really have six boobs?
EMAL: (groans)
AMLAH: No, dearie. That's just a rumor.
EMAL: Not exactly... The gods are not locked to form the way we are -- each observer sees them differently. Essina's a goddess of beauty, so whoever looks upon her face sees only the most beautiful thing imaginable.
SOOT: Wow.
EMAL: ...right before their heads explode.
SOOT: Cool!
EMAL: (chuckles) Actually, yeah.
AMLAH: Now, Emal! It's mean to laugh at other people's heads exploding.
EMAL: Ha ha ha ha!
SOOT: H/EE/ haa ha! (snort!)
EMAL: HAAA heehe ha ha!
AMLAH: (takes out taser)
BZZZZT!
EMAL: Ow! (falls over twitching)
(Meanwhile, in the wood brigand hideout:)
BRIGAND#1: Ennenthin enna talkin' bird enna fellain predadress enna fishanmi hedd!
BRIGAND JEDD: What the heck did he just say?
BRIGAND HATRI: You think I know? He's your uncle!
JEDD: So the kid escaped... The boss isn't going to like this.
HATRI: (Looks fearfully over his shoulder at the other brigands silhouetted against their cooking fires. One dark and ominous hooded form seems to stand out from the others.) ...do you want to tell her?
(Back at Emal and Soot's camp)
SOOT: (fanning smoke away from Emal's head) Did you really have to do that?
AMLAH: He was being mean!
SOOT: Yeah, but if you fry his brain, who's going to take me to Coratheim -- I mean, home!!
EMAL: (slowly regaining consciousness) I gave you my lunch money; now leave me alone...
(Soot and Amlah exchange a confused glance. Amlah shrugs.)
EMAL: (Sitting up) Do you think you might want to turn that thing down? What good is punishing me if I get a memory blackout and can't remember what I did?
AMLAH: It's the only way you'll learn!
EMAL: (to Soot) Did I forget to mention the memory blackouts?
SOOT: No.
EMAL: (to Amlah) Okay, so what if I do something in the middle of a battle? Do you really think that teaching me not to bite my nails is worth having me pass out and get eaten by obra wolves?
AMLAH: You bite your nails?! (takes out taser)
EMAL: (In panic) No!!
(Brigand camp; the sounds of eating, drinking and jostling have died down; a nervous silence fills the hollow.)
JEDD: So I know it was my job to put Uncle Fzzr in charge of the prisoner, but it's not his-- it's not my fault, really!!
SILHOUETTE: (We hear a harsh whisper)
JEDD: Yes boss!! Okay; I'll do it!
SILHOUETTE: (Points to Brigand Hatri and to one other)
HATRI: Yes, boss! Don't come back without him; we've got it!
The three of them hurry from the camp. The other brigands begin to (settle down, but there is still a palpable tension in the--)
JEDD: (ducks back in) Sorry. Has anyone seen my hat?
(Soot and Emal's camp. Emal is chasing Amlah in and out of the frame.)
EMAL: (Chasing Amlah toward the woods) Give me that thing!
AMLAH: No!
EMAL: At least turn the voltage down!
AMLAH: (Changing direction) No!
EMAL: Come back here!
(While Emal and Amlah are busy, Soot reaches into the fire with one hand. His skin neither burns nor smokes, and he begins to smile.)
EMAL: (comes to a stop, breathless, near Soot) It's no use!
SOOT: (yanks hand back) Hm?
EMAL: Get some sleep, kid; we reach the river tomorrow.
(The woods, the next morning. Emal has put out the fire and waves at Soot to come with him down the barely-visible trail.)
SOOT: Are we there yet?
AMLAH: No, little master. We must first go down the moutain and then cross the river and then trek the plains and then get through customs and then--
EMAL: In other words, "no."
(FUrther down Mount Lorel; the vegetation here is far more lush; many types of deciduous trees have filled in to replace the spruce, and clearings are filled with vines and low-growing plants.)
SOOT: Are we there yet?
EMAL: No.
(The foothills beneath Mouth Lorel: the sunlight is dappled here and the earth is rich and black, giving off the scene of summer woodland.)
SOOT: Are we there yet?
EMAL: No.
(The uplands of Mouth Lorel. The spruce are thick, and a recently-abandoned firesite is marked by stones and ash.)
HATRI: Are we there yet?
JEDD: No.
(The flood levy beside the River Cronno, a rocky place, now dry with the ending of spring rains.)
SOOT: Are we there ye-- wow!!
(The trees give way and Emal looks up: the sun is strangely fierce in a perfect and cloudless shell-blue sky. Emal looks about to comment when he sees that Soot, rather, is looking at the river.)
(Our Zeroes --um! I mean Heroes approach the ferry over the River Cronno.)
SOOT: We have to cross that thing?
EMAL: (Picking his way down to the ferry) Well as the city is on that side and we're on this one, I'd say so. ...Unless you know how to fly.
(As Emal walks off with Amlah, Soot, unseen looks about to say something but instead makes the "Damn!!" gesture with both hands.)
SOOT: (Hurrying after Emal.) I don't wanna goooo!!
AMLAH: Actually, Master Emal, flying across the river still counts as crossing it. You see, even though one need not--
EMAL: Bzzzt!
AMLAH: Huh?
EMAL: You're supposed to fall over twitching in extreme and undescribable pain!
AMLAH: But you just made that sound with your mouth.
SOOT: (In an ingratiating tone just this side of whining.) Guys?
EMAL: No I didn't! (Closes eyes.) I've got a taser; I can see it: BZZZZTT!!
AMLAH: Oh please!
EMAL: (Eyes still closed.) You can't talk; you're too busy twitching! (Serene smile.) Oh yeah...
SOOT: Guuuyyeeees!!
AMLAH: Take heart, little master. Think of your joyful parents.
SOOT: Don't need parents; need to stay away from river! (Starts to run.)
EMAL: (Grabs Soot by the collar.) Come on now... My little brother used to be afraid of water too. It'll be over soon and while it pains me to admit it, Amlah's right--
AMLAH: (Flicks hair)
EMAL: -- and you should just think about getting to Coratheim.
SOOT: Yes... Coratheim. (Looks back to river.) Eeeep!!
FERRYGUY: Look at that little fella' jump!
EMAL: Get off me!
SOOT: (Clinging to the back of Emal's head.) I don't wanna go!
Sign up to rate and review this story