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Chapter Seven:





(Scene: a tunnel lit with torches and smelling of dust, death and tourists. Emal is still wearing his black coat over his robe, and somewhere along the line, Soot has obtained a pair of sunglasses and an I (HEART-SHAPE) CORATHEIM shirt.)


EMAL: (To Amlah) I love this! (Chugs some water) No more "What's with the dress?" Now all I get is "What's with the coat?" I think I may have stumbled across something great here!

SOOT: Yeah, but you're sweating like a wood brigand. Won't the dehydration start to mess with your mind?

AMLAH: Indeed, Master Emal!

EMAL: (Points at them) Well I'm living without ridicule, so all four of you can shut up!

TOUR GUIDE: (A youngish woman with red hair and extreme buck teeth.) Okay, people! My name is Mitsie and I'll be your tour guide as we explore the archaeological section of Coratheim's catacombs in a non-destructive and totally non-desecratory manner! ...so let me reiterate our rules against flash photography and urinating on the burial sites.

(At least two of the tourists look disappointed.)

MITSIE: Now, now! I'm sure we all remember last year's Evil Dead incident. Why I'm still picking pieces of brain out of my couch!

(The tourists laugh nervously.)

EMAL: (Reading a brochure) Soot, nothing in here even looks like it might be Lord Pyrosk's hidden.

SOOT: Of course not! We'll have to sneak away from the tour further down!

MITSIE: Okay, so if we've got everyone -- yes, is that someone else in the back?

(From the rear, our SHADOWY FIGURE emerges, holding a CATA-TOURS ticket.)

SILHOUETTE: (Looks through the crowd and quickly spots Soot. Giving a start, the figure looks down at its extremely memorable and conspicuous black cloak. Before Soot can turn his head, the figure whips off the cloak and tosses it aside. We can see now that the figure is a STUNNINGLY HOT CHICK with sleek black hair and bright eyes.)

EMAL: (Chokes on his water.)

MITSIE: Yes, you come right up with us; there's room!

SOOT: (Frowns.)

EMAL: (Snorting water out his nose.)







(Scene: Street. The three brigands are ambling.)


HATRI: We're never gonna find the demi-demon just roaming around like this.

ORANFH: (mumbles affirmatively)

HATRI: We need a plan.

ORANFH: (mumbles affirmatively)

HATRI: What do you think, Jedd?

JEDD: I think we're in trouble.

HATRI: Wha?

ORANFH: (mumbles)?

JEDD: Ever get that feeling like when a black cat crosses your path?

ORANFH: (mumbles)

JEDD: No not the "make sandwiches" feeling. I mean the "bad luck" feeling. Well multiply it by 500 million and you'll know how it feels to walk across the boss' aura.

HATRI: What?!

ORANFH: (mumbles)?!

JEDD: She's here! She knows we've failed! If she finds the kid before we do, it's goodbye dental plan!!

HATRI: Dental plan?! More like goodbye teeth!!

ORANFH: (mumbles)?!

JEDD: I don't know what we should do -- we're never going to just find the kid before she does...

HATRI: I suggest that we run like scared chibies and hope she considers us too unimportant to chase.

ORANFH: (mumbles)!

JEDD: I don't know, Hatri. Maybe we should follow her.

HATRI: ?!

ORANFH: ?!

JEDD: Think of it this way; we can't succeed at what she told us to do, but if we're at least there to back her up, she'll know that it's no fault of our loyalty! Just because we failed, doesn't mean it was because we were lazy, drunk, depraved or incompetant!

HATRI: ...but... we spent most of last night being lazy, drunk, depraved and incompetant.

JEDD: And I warn you now: if you tell her that, I will transfigure your blood into acid!

ORANFH: (mumbles)!

HATRI: He's right! The best you could manage would be lanolin with vitamin E!

JEDD: You'd still be dead!

HATRI: But I'd smell great!





(Back at the catacombs...)

MITSIE: So please keep all your arms, legs, spooky dark cloaks and other assorted appendages inside the tram at all times.

SILHOUETTE/HOT CHICK: (To Emal) Are you alright?

EMAL: (Wiping his face) Yeah; my sinuses needed to be cleaned --um! I mean (smacks self in head) um...

SIL: My name is Sillene.

EMAL: (Surprised.) What? Why?

SIL: I told you my name; it's--

EMAL: No; I heard you. ...My name is Emal and I'm an idiot.

SIL: (smiles) We'll get along fine.

EMAL: (Voice-over) Wow! A pretty woman told me her name without a court-order! I knew applying for a bishie membership would change my luck!

SIL: (Voice-over) The demonling doesn't seem to have recognized me, but the messenger must be around here somewhere. ...the creature seems to be trying to find the Flame Orb itself. This could get interesting.

SOOT: (Voice-over) Amlah close enough to shield my aura? Check. Tram route passing near the archaeological shafts? Check. Emal sufficiently distracted by hot chick to not wonder what I'm up to? Check. Granola bars in pocket in case I get hungry? Check...


(The CATA-TOURS tram prepares to move.)


MITSIE: Now everyone, please pair off and take your seats! (to Soot) I bet you'll want to see really well. You can sit by me in the front, short stuff!

SOOT: Great, 'cause I really don't want to sit next to that guy. (points at Emal).

EMAL: Hey!

AMLAH: That wasn't nice, little master!

SOOT: He's sweating like a toastie-cake at a fat farm! He smells terrible! Of course I don't want to sit near him!

EMAL: (Grumbles and takes a seat by himself.) Why do I feel like I'm back in gradeschool?

SIL: (Approaches) There seem to be no seats left, is it okay if I sit here?

SOOT: I hope you have a high tolerance for B.O. and stupid comments, lady!

SIL: (smiles...)





(...as we make a convenient scene change to a Coratheim streetcorner!)

HATRI: I don't know. ...I'm allergic.

JEDD: There aren't actually cats in the catacombs, Hatri.

HATRI: Really? What are they for, then?

ORANFH: (mumbles)

HATRI: You're kidding! That's gross!





(Meanwhile...)

MITSIE: (On loudspeaker.) We are now passing through the hall of fingers. If you look to your left, you will see that what appears to be stucco on the walls is really the assorted knucklebones of thousands of criminals from the Iarimian era...

SIL: (To Emal) So what brings you to Coratheim?

EMAL: Business, actually. I'm sticking around for a while, though; I've got an interview with the local bishounen guild.

SIL: Bishounen!

EMAL: No, bishounen.

SIL: I've been trying to get into my bishoujou guild for years; they keep saying that my hair isn't lustrous enough.

EMAL: (gulps) Looks fine to me. ...you know, I was reading this pamplet about eggwhites...

SIL: (Listens intently)

MITSIE: Of course, during the Iarimian age, a "criminal" could be just about anyone who displeased the demon-empress.

EMAL: So what about you? Do you live here in Coratheim?

SIL: No. ...the area. I'm here to pick something up.

MITSIE: Many of these are surely the bones of innocent men, women and children, whose fingers were ripped from their live and quivering flesh.

EMAL: Really? What?

MITSIE: ... but there wouldn't have been much intelligible screaming, folks: these people all had their tongues cut out and cauterized before moving to this step of the execution process.

SOOT: Cool!

SIL: (Flusters) Umm...

MITSIE: As we know, the demoness Iarim was driven from Coratheim centuries ago, but was not wholly defeated until these past two years, when she was fully exorcised by our current Messenger of the gods...

SIL: (frowns) Wait a minute.

MITSIE: ...it's rumored that she had the unlikely name of "Emal." Coming up on our right...

SIL: Wait a minute!

EMAL: Um! Uh! I! Um!

SIL: That was /you/?!

EMAL: (Slips off coat, showing robe-dress)

SIL: No way! I knew we had a male messenger, but I didn't know you were so accomplished! Taking on Iarim!

EMAL: Well... I had a whole lot of luck...

SIL: I'll bet!

EMAL: Well... I got the messenger job when my mom died. She was the one who set up the plan to neutralize Iarim; discovered her one weakness and everything. All I had to do was act it out.

SIL: The demon-empress had your mother killed?!

EMAL: No... You'd think so, but no. Iarim was responsible for many deaths, many shattered families--

SIL: (Under breath) She was indeed...

EMAL: --but mine wasn't one of them.

SIL: Oh of course you don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry.

EMAL: Doesn't bother me much anymore. (Looks like it bothers him quite a bit.) So, um... I'd have to say that my only real accomplishment as a messenger aside from the regular stuff would be the incident with Baron Obidiah of Lorellin.

SIL: You mean the one they called Big Evil Baron Guy? He was the most notorious bandit in the Mt. Lorel area!

EMAL: Yeah. I really thought that turning him into a lemur would help the local communities, but I guess the only people who really benefited were the small groups of wood brigands that were able to spring up after he was out of the picture.

SIL: Don't sell yourself short! (Rubs one hand across her eyes, speaking softly.) I don't believe this!

EMAL: Don't believe what?

SIL: ...nothing!

EMAL: Why are you looking at me like that?

SIL: It's nothing! (points over the side) Hey! Look! Femurs!

(Meanwhile, at the front of the tram.)

MITSIE: (Yelling at a tourist) I said no flash photography! Don't make me get out the stungun!

AMLAH: Intriguing! Yet you might find that the delicate taser has a momentous impression upon that which offends mightily this sacred space!

MITSIE: Huh?

SOOT: (Not looking up from catacomb map) She said, "I like tasers."

MITSIE: Cool!





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