Categories > Original > Humor > Deconstruction
Standards and Practitioners
1 reviewJust what was it about Sil that Emal couldn't resist? ...and Amlah may look sweet, but do NOT make her mad!
1Funny
I'd like to thank all my buds on the forum who let me take their names for the people and places in this story:
Big Evil
Loreli, Corath and Chrono
Mirai
Kojiro and Pyroskank
Ryu and Rocky
Linky Dragonclaw
and of course, Jett, Hadrian and Glor-an-Fhiada.
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SOOT: (Waves the jewel in the air) Good luck trying to skin me alive whilst I've got /this/! (A flame beam shoots out from the orb and chips off part of the cieling) Oops!
ORANFH: (dodging) (mumbles)
SIL: Give me that!
(Sil holds up her hands and a dark flame of energy waves out at Soot. He's knocked to the ground, but doesn't drop the jewel.)
JEDD: Nice shot, boss!
EMAL: (To Sil) As distracted as I am by your charm, wit, grace, intelligence and cleavage, my good guy senses are tingling and I don't think that anyone should leave this cave with the Flame Orb!
SIL: But you don't know why I need it! My cause is noble: I want to bring my family -- which at the moment means exclusively me -- back to its position of primacy on this continent, the restoration of the Coratheim Empire, which once spanned from shore to shore!
EMAL: You mean you lead a small crime syndicate, practice dark magic, kidnapped and planned to flay an eight year-old, and on top of that you're seeking quasi-world domination? That's evil!
SIL: Well if you put it that way--
EMAL: You really are my dream woman!
AMLAH: Master Emal!
EMAL: (Rolls eyes) Divine or not, Soot, your dad said that the hidden thing's supposed to stay hidden! Put it back!
SOOT: I have a better idea. How 'bout I don't?
SIL: But I must have the Flame Orb! You must deal with me, messenger, for without my help you cannot hope to defeat--
EMAL: (Presses his palms together. The unseen wind begins to blow.)
HATRI: (Takes off hat) Refreshing!
EMAL: Most High pantheon, your messenger calls upon you. I beg the forces of wind and wave to counter...
SOOT: Aw crud.
EMAL: Smite!
(A half-full water balloon falls from nowhere and beans Soot on the head. The Flame Orb flies from his hand and Emal catches it.)
EMAL: Ow! Hot! (tosses the jewel from hand to hand) Hot! Hot! Hot!
JEDD: (Stepping forward) I think you'd better give that to the boss!
EMAL: I'm sorry, did you miss my whole speech with the good guy senses and -- Jedd?!
JEDD: (Frowns) Do I know -- sweet breath of mana! Emal from mage college!
EMAL: How you been, man?
JEDD: Na' bad. Hey, didn't you have to leave school like a week before I dropped out?
EMAL: About that long. Why?
JEDD: 'Cause they taught this one the day after you left.
(Jedd fires a bolt at Emal. His entire body convulses as he falls to the floor.)
AMLAH: Master Emal!
SIL: Good work! (Takes the Flame Orb from his hand).
JEDD: He should be out for an hour.
(Amlah is visibly - and audibly - upset.)
AMLAH: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--
SIL: Amlah, you are the guide. (Moves to Emal and touches him briefly on the edge of his very messy bowl cut) When Emal comes to, guide him out of here.
AMLAH: --eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--
SIL: (Glances to Soot, who is regaining consciousness) For your sakes we will spare the boy as well; without the Flame Orb, he is not so great of a threat.
AMLAH: --eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--
HATRI: Okay if we leave now, boss? I'm getting a headache.
SIL: Of course. (Grinning happily) The world awaits.
AMLAH: --eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--
(As she and her henchbrigands head for the tunnel, a blast of arcane earth shakes the chamber. The roof of the tunnel collapses, leaving them with no exit.)
EMAL: I don't think so!
AMLAH: --eeeeeee! Go Master Emal!
JEDD: What? That spell should have left you out cold for another fifty minutes at least!
EMAL: You greatly underestimate my tolerance to electrocution.
SIL: No! I need the Flame Orb to create my new world order! Just wait until you can see it, Emal; how could such a regieme as mine displease the gods?
JEDD: Yes! Join us, old friend!
EMAL: Coratheim may have been a dictatorship under Iarim, but the people are happy with their senate -- so what if those crusty old farts sleep around with interns and eat too many puffie-pies? -- a return to monarchy would be reactionary! (To Jedd) And you just shot me in the gut with a mini-bolt; I don't think we'll be carpooling to frat reunions any time soon.
HATRI: Whatever you just said, man; it's bull and we're keeping the orb!
AMLAH: We shall never allow you to leave this place with it yet in your possession!
SOOT: Yeah! Give it back to /me/! I only want it so that no one can kidnap me again! ...and maybe rain fire upon a few major cities.
EMAL: Kid, I'm already going to ask your aunt to ground you. How 'bout shutting up?
SOOT: (To Sil) Grrr! I do have some power of my own! (Red-orange flames begin to lick about the insides of his eyes, and the earth at his feet shakes.)
AMLAH: (Begins to glow. Her usually cheerful and lovely features take on a dark and violent cast. From nowhere, she pulls out a tiny flaming sword, and her wings seem like white plumes of fire)
SIL: I do what I must! (Dark fire gathers about her hands)
JEDD: I'm with ya, boss!
EMAL: Bring it on!
(All at once, the air is alive with flames both red and dark, powers holy, electrical, secular and demonic! The very dust quails! The very rocks shreik!)
HATRI: Kinda' makes you feel left out, doesn't it?
ORANFH: (mumbles)
.
.
.
Big Evil
Loreli, Corath and Chrono
Mirai
Kojiro and Pyroskank
Ryu and Rocky
Linky Dragonclaw
and of course, Jett, Hadrian and Glor-an-Fhiada.
.
.
.
.
.
.
SOOT: (Waves the jewel in the air) Good luck trying to skin me alive whilst I've got /this/! (A flame beam shoots out from the orb and chips off part of the cieling) Oops!
ORANFH: (dodging) (mumbles)
SIL: Give me that!
(Sil holds up her hands and a dark flame of energy waves out at Soot. He's knocked to the ground, but doesn't drop the jewel.)
JEDD: Nice shot, boss!
EMAL: (To Sil) As distracted as I am by your charm, wit, grace, intelligence and cleavage, my good guy senses are tingling and I don't think that anyone should leave this cave with the Flame Orb!
SIL: But you don't know why I need it! My cause is noble: I want to bring my family -- which at the moment means exclusively me -- back to its position of primacy on this continent, the restoration of the Coratheim Empire, which once spanned from shore to shore!
EMAL: You mean you lead a small crime syndicate, practice dark magic, kidnapped and planned to flay an eight year-old, and on top of that you're seeking quasi-world domination? That's evil!
SIL: Well if you put it that way--
EMAL: You really are my dream woman!
AMLAH: Master Emal!
EMAL: (Rolls eyes) Divine or not, Soot, your dad said that the hidden thing's supposed to stay hidden! Put it back!
SOOT: I have a better idea. How 'bout I don't?
SIL: But I must have the Flame Orb! You must deal with me, messenger, for without my help you cannot hope to defeat--
EMAL: (Presses his palms together. The unseen wind begins to blow.)
HATRI: (Takes off hat) Refreshing!
EMAL: Most High pantheon, your messenger calls upon you. I beg the forces of wind and wave to counter...
SOOT: Aw crud.
EMAL: Smite!
(A half-full water balloon falls from nowhere and beans Soot on the head. The Flame Orb flies from his hand and Emal catches it.)
EMAL: Ow! Hot! (tosses the jewel from hand to hand) Hot! Hot! Hot!
JEDD: (Stepping forward) I think you'd better give that to the boss!
EMAL: I'm sorry, did you miss my whole speech with the good guy senses and -- Jedd?!
JEDD: (Frowns) Do I know -- sweet breath of mana! Emal from mage college!
EMAL: How you been, man?
JEDD: Na' bad. Hey, didn't you have to leave school like a week before I dropped out?
EMAL: About that long. Why?
JEDD: 'Cause they taught this one the day after you left.
(Jedd fires a bolt at Emal. His entire body convulses as he falls to the floor.)
AMLAH: Master Emal!
SIL: Good work! (Takes the Flame Orb from his hand).
JEDD: He should be out for an hour.
(Amlah is visibly - and audibly - upset.)
AMLAH: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--
SIL: Amlah, you are the guide. (Moves to Emal and touches him briefly on the edge of his very messy bowl cut) When Emal comes to, guide him out of here.
AMLAH: --eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--
SIL: (Glances to Soot, who is regaining consciousness) For your sakes we will spare the boy as well; without the Flame Orb, he is not so great of a threat.
AMLAH: --eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--
HATRI: Okay if we leave now, boss? I'm getting a headache.
SIL: Of course. (Grinning happily) The world awaits.
AMLAH: --eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--
(As she and her henchbrigands head for the tunnel, a blast of arcane earth shakes the chamber. The roof of the tunnel collapses, leaving them with no exit.)
EMAL: I don't think so!
AMLAH: --eeeeeee! Go Master Emal!
JEDD: What? That spell should have left you out cold for another fifty minutes at least!
EMAL: You greatly underestimate my tolerance to electrocution.
SIL: No! I need the Flame Orb to create my new world order! Just wait until you can see it, Emal; how could such a regieme as mine displease the gods?
JEDD: Yes! Join us, old friend!
EMAL: Coratheim may have been a dictatorship under Iarim, but the people are happy with their senate -- so what if those crusty old farts sleep around with interns and eat too many puffie-pies? -- a return to monarchy would be reactionary! (To Jedd) And you just shot me in the gut with a mini-bolt; I don't think we'll be carpooling to frat reunions any time soon.
HATRI: Whatever you just said, man; it's bull and we're keeping the orb!
AMLAH: We shall never allow you to leave this place with it yet in your possession!
SOOT: Yeah! Give it back to /me/! I only want it so that no one can kidnap me again! ...and maybe rain fire upon a few major cities.
EMAL: Kid, I'm already going to ask your aunt to ground you. How 'bout shutting up?
SOOT: (To Sil) Grrr! I do have some power of my own! (Red-orange flames begin to lick about the insides of his eyes, and the earth at his feet shakes.)
AMLAH: (Begins to glow. Her usually cheerful and lovely features take on a dark and violent cast. From nowhere, she pulls out a tiny flaming sword, and her wings seem like white plumes of fire)
SIL: I do what I must! (Dark fire gathers about her hands)
JEDD: I'm with ya, boss!
EMAL: Bring it on!
(All at once, the air is alive with flames both red and dark, powers holy, electrical, secular and demonic! The very dust quails! The very rocks shreik!)
HATRI: Kinda' makes you feel left out, doesn't it?
ORANFH: (mumbles)
.
.
.
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