Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Saint Lily

On my Own

by I_Mean_This 6 reviews


Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Drama, Romance - Characters: Other - Warnings: [!!!] - Published: 2007-06-11 - Updated: 2007-08-13 - 4300 words - Complete

Lily wasn't exactly sure what to do with her days off. She was given four days of leisure, and was missing two shows. It wasn't something she wanted to do, she hadn't missed a show in years, but every time she sang the vibrations from her throat went up into her nasal passage and hurt like a

"Motherfucker!" Will cried, box of Fruit-Loops resting gently on his stomach, controller in hand.
Lily raised an eyebrow, ice pack pressed to her face as she knelt over a spiral notebook.
"Sorry!" Will announced, "Just lost ALL my points." he explained, shoving a handful of cereal into his mouth,
"Fuckin' ghey." he mumbled, tossing the controller gently across the couch.
Lily watched as it bounced softly on the cushions,
"You know what's fuckin' GHEY, Will?" Lily asked, laying her pen down.
"What Lily.." Will mumbled, picking a stray Fruit Loop off his leg and eating it, "Tell me what's ghey." he said, casually, sighing through the multi-colored cereal packed into his mouth.
"This" she said, peeling off her ice pack and revealing a swollen nose and purple bruise,
"Is ghey."
Will nodded, placing another loop into his mouth thoughtfully,
"Yeah, that is pretty ghey. So is jumping into..a man fight."
"A man fight?" Ryan repeated, walking by in his boxers, "Hardly."
Will rolled his eyes,
"Whatever. That's happened to me before." he said nonchalantly, standing up and popping more loops into his mouth
"Well," he corrected, "I've never jumped into a fight..." he paused,
"Ok, yeah I have. And it was a REAL man-fight, Ryan!" he added with a yell, pointing at Ryan with his mouth full.
The bass player shook his head, mumbled a 'whatever dude', and hopped on the couch, turning on the tv.
Will shrugged and stood next to Lily, peering down at her notebook,
"What're you doing?" he asked, "Writing songs?"
Lily shut the notebook and looked up at him,
"Uh..kind of...I guess." she said with a sigh and a shrug.
Will nodded, "Well, that's they go like this, 'Gerard Way punched me in the faaaaaceeeee'" Will sang with a laugh, only to be knocked in the ribs by a passing Adam.
Lily glared up at him, ice pack covering her nose,
" they don't, you prick" Lily responded coldly.
"Fuckin' SORRY, people have no sense of humor." Will mumbled, placing the cereal back into the cabinet.
"Maybe it's all the painkillers I've been taking." Lily said, standing up and pulling down her shirt, eyes wide in mock insanity.
"Neh-heh." Will chuckled sarcastically as Lily walked past, ice-pack almost permanently pressed to her face.
Ryan quickly switched the channel upon seeing Lily's face on the screen,
"How much longer do we have until..." Ryan gestured to his own face,
"Your..face is..less....yeah." he cut off, realizing any words he may choose would most likely be offensive.
Lily sighed,
"Like I know...we have a couple more days off..until Wednesday, I think..." she trailed off,
"Matt said something about," she began, taking the ice pack from her face,
"3 days..and then Eliza doing my makeup..." she shrugged skeptically.
"Eliza?" Will echoed, taking a seat on the couch,
"What the hell? Where has she been for the past...50 years or whatever." Will asked casually, yawning.
Lily thought the exact same thing...WHERE had Eliza been?
Suspiciously enough...she had stopped receiving her calls around the same time she started dating Gerard....
Lily shrugged,
"I don't know...making her way in the industry I guess. She's coming back to do makeup for..." she cut off at any mention of Gerard, or his band,
"And Matt snagged her to come here and cover up my little bruise here." she said with a roll of her eyes.
They all nodded silently, Adam walking by to search through the cabinets for any remaining food.
"Well," Ryan said, breaking the silence, "How's your dad?" he asked, pushing the power button on the remote.
Lily crossed her arms and sighed,
"Uh...." she paused, brow furrowed,
"He's on some meds now....for his heart...." she began slowly, almost reluctantly.
Will frowned, Why the fuck did Ryan bring up the most retarded shit?
"Don't even fuckin' worry about it," Will began with a dismissive wave,
"They did that to my gramps..and he's fine..he's like...80 this year." he concluded, picking a stray bit of Fruit Loop from his teeth.
Ryan nodded,
"'s just a blood thinner, right? I heard you say that on the phone earlier..." he began, to be cut off by Will,
"He was really spying on you..." he said with another yawn, a sleepy grin on his face.
Lily laughed softly,
"Uh..yeah..blood pressure issues...that kind of thing." she mumbled.
It was obvious she didn't want to talk about it.
Lily had spoken to her mother and had gotten the news...
Clogged arteries...maybe surgery...prescriptions for a while...trying out a smoking until then...he hated the patch but the gum wasn't so bad....yada yada yada.
All Lily heard was her dad was sick...and it was kind of a big deal.
The stood in silence.
Will cleared his throat.
Ryan bit his lip piercing.
Adam ate a breakfast bar.
The bus driver pulled into a parking lot,
"Rest stop."
The pounding in Bert's head had subsided. Every once in a while he would get a tinge of pain, but for the most part, he felt fine.
Or that's what he told himself..everyday, through gritted teeth as he administered neosporin to a small slice on his forehead.
It had been three days since the fight...the pseudo breakup...and the kiss.
The Used's tour bus pulled lazily into the parking lot, the afternoon summer sun creeping in through the tinted windows and shining across the few tiny cuts that still graced Bert's face.
As the bus lurched to a stop, Bert stood and stretched, rubbing his belly,
"Fuck, I'd kill for some onion rings." he muttered, running a tattooed hand through his hair.
The truth was...he was hungry.
In fact, his stomach had been grumbling for the past hour or so.
But, in reality...he didn't give a fuck about the onion rings.
He didn't give a fuck about the pain in the soft part of his skull.
What he really cared about was finishing the tour.
Whether Lily hated him or not.
And somehow
Getting back at Gerard for punching her in an attempt to punch him.
"Fucker." Bert sighed, stepping off the bus and pulling a pack of Marlboro Reds out of his short's pocket.
He slid a cigarette into his mouth as he thought of all that had happened that day, glancing at the side of the bus curiously...wondering if his skull had left a dent.
He grinned as he exhaled a stream of grey smoke;
No dent at all.
Quinn, Branden and Jeph wandered into the rest stop, content on snagging a table and consuming as much cheap roadside food as possible.
Quinn was hell-bent on completing his collection of state keychains, and vowed to check the adjoining gas station after their meal.
Jeph was running out of Green Tea bags, and promised to accompany Quinn post mastication.
And Branden was too busy disliking Jeph and Quinn to give a fuck about anything else but the cheeseburger he planned on ordering.
And Bert, the lead singer, stood outside, smoking.
He inhaled with his eyes closed, the chemicals making their way up to his brain, choking his lungs with the familiar, stinging sensation that proved a cold comfort during times like this.
During times of complete stupidity...irony...and obstinance.
He looked up at the sky...and thought.
He didn't like to think...he really over-thought a lot of things....this situation in particular.
He wasn't one for self pity.
He couldn't help but wonder if ...she..hated..him.
He took a drag as he spied more buses filing into the lot...parking beside him.
He smiled as he thought of last night's phone call.....
Aaron from Reprise calling him and telling him to stay away from Gerard....that they would be separated as much as possible...
Something told him Gerard wouldn't be coming out of any of those tourbuses.
And that was fuckin' A-O-K.
The last thing he wanted was a rematch...and frankly, he was tired of the whole situation.
His eyes shifted to the asphalt beneath his feet....bubble gum smashed into the pavement...bits of broken glass and small pebbles....
He flicked his cigarette and watched a small curl of smoke rise from the filter.
A thought crossed his mind as he walked towards the restaurant's glass doors, pulling one open with a sigh;
Maybe she did hate him...but at least he didn't punch her in the face.

"Are you sure you don't want anything?" Will asked, pulling on a t-shirt.
Lily shrugged, staring at his feet.
"....A cheeseburger could be good..." Lily mumbled, hands fluttering gently across her nose.
The swelling had gone down considerably.
Evidently Google's old world remedies of St. John's wart and herbal face wraps were working after all. All that remained was a rather large blue and purple bruise on the side of her nose, along with a few broken blood vessels on the surrounding skin. It still hurt like hell, though...despite Will's insisting that it shouldn't anymore.
'Gerard's a pansy..he hit you like a girl..'
"Cheeseburger?" Will repeated, smoothing his hair across his forehead,
"Alright." he said with a grin, ruffling Lily's hair gently.
Lily said goodbye and collapsed onto the couch with a sigh, attempting to watch TV, but feeling lonely and restless She had barely left the bus in the past few days, in an attempt to heal faster (and in peace)..and avoid the pesky reporters that lurked around the venues.
It was nice to be alone for a moment...the only people on the bus her and the bus driver, who was currently eating a sandwich silently.
Lily sighed and stood up, rubbing her stomach as she stood on her tip-toes.
She frowned as she stared out the the restaurant and the clear summer sky.
She pondered, momentarily, whether she should leave the bus...venture out into the summer breeze..risking running into some idiot with a camera...
She really wanted to breathe in an open space, even smoke a cigarette outside...stand in a large, bathroom, toilet confined to one corner..handicapped accessible.
She had been used to the small cramped spaces on her bus for far too long...her injury practically confining her.
She thought about thumbing through piles of glittery stickers, looking at the $1.00 candy in cheap plastic packaging, the array of sodas and Lunchables behind glass doors....the Slurpee machines and ready-made sandwiches she had learned to love and hate at the same time.
Lily frowned and tugged at her sweat pants, staring at the chipping pink nail polish on her toes...
Before she could think twice she stepped off the bus, the flip-flop of her sandals creating a rhythm in her head.
She hummed 'Broken Bottles' underneath her breath, brushing a stray strand of wispy blonde hair beneath her ear. She pulled her tank top down and wandered into the connecting convenience store, a high pitched
sounding as she stepped on the mat.
A mustached man at the front counter looked up from his newspaper, laying it down on the lottery machine as she entered.
Lily gave him a weak smile and wandered over to the sunglasses rack.
She began to pick off particularly obnoxious pairs and place them on her face, ignoring the stares she was receiving.
The mustached man glanced at the magazine rack next to the counter, squinting his eyes as he looked at the cover of Alternative Press magazine, which featured a blonde girl bearing an eerie resemblance to the one in front of him.
She was in the middle of the glossy front page, wearing a white dress, much like the infamous one Ms. Monroe wore many years ago.
Her lips were painted a bright red, a beauty mark was dotted daintily above her lip, her long blonde hair was adorned with soft curls, and she had a confident sneer on her face.
Her bandmembers surrounded her on both sides, dressed in tuxedos and clean shaven, hair waxed and parted.
The words "Saint Lily" were in large print below the image, followed with the quote,
"If it weren't for music we'd be in an alleyway somewhere"
He looked away from the magazine and at the blonde in front of him trying on a pair of rhinestone rimmed glasses, dressed in black sweatpants and sandals..then back at the magazine cover.
She was certainly less glamorous...and with a rather conspicuous bruise on her face.
She slowly glanced back at him, eyebrow raised.
He cleared his throat loudly and went back to his newspaper.
The was no way it was her...stupid of him to think so.
He began to read about world politics as she crossed the room, hand covering her bruise self consciously as she stared at the ground.
Lily ran her fingers through various key chains before deciding to buy a large coke slurpee and a pack of sour gummi worms, grabbing a pair of 5 dollar sunglasses on her way to the counter.
The mustached man folded his newspaper with a sigh, the paper rustling as he laid it beside him.
He adjusted his glasses while mumbling a tired /Hello/, peering at the items she laid out on the counter.
"Hi." Lily said with a weak smile, pulling out her credit card from her wallet as he entered the items in the register.
She took a sip from her slurpee as he announced the grand total,
"8.59" he said in a tired tone.
Lily handed him her card as she swallowed the cold, slushy carbonation.
"Can I see some I.D, please?" he asked carelessly.
Lily nodded and placed the slurpee down, flipping open her wallet to reveal her drivers licence, glancing around the store as he compared the names on both cards.
Moments later she had thanked him and left, making her way back to the bus, leaving the convenience store employee to ponder the coincidences before him;
Her name was Lily, and she was stepping into a large, black bus...a quite fancy one too.
He shook his head, smoothing down his mustache,
"Well I'll be, it was her."
As he contemplated all that had happened, rethinking his brush with stardom with a grin on his face, Lily realized something, quite suddenly;
This would probably be the last time in God knows HOW many miles she'd get access to a large, well lit and PRIVATE bathroom.
She left her gummi worms and slurpee in the bus, ripping the tag off the 5 dollar fake Chanels and placing them on her face and scuttling back to the store as quickly as possible.
She had learned her lesson about photographers...and learned to always be on her guard..especially when alone.
She could write a small manual, perhaps even a small book, about all the times she had been bombarded by paparazzi in the strangest places.
That and she didn't want to run into anyone....whether or not they had a camera.
At the same moment, Bert was staring at a sticky white table, crumpling a napkin in his hand.
"I'm done." he said with a soft burp, standing up and brushing off the crumbs from his lap.
"I gotta piss." he mumbled before slouching away to the restrooms.
He was greeted with an OUT OF ORDER sign, and was informed to use the bathrooms next-door, at the convenient store.
"What the...fuck." Bert murmured softly, staring at the man behind the counter.
He reminded him of a faced with a large, bristly moustache.
He gave Bert a disapproving look from behind his newspaper, to which Bert grinned sweetly.
He brushed through the aisles, making his way to the large door with the blue sign attached to it.
He paused as he glanced at the bright-yellow sign blocking the entrance.
"What the..." Bert swore under his breath,
"Hey," he asked loudly, shouting slightly across the room,
"Is this out of order or?" he asked impatiently, gesturing to the men's bathroom in front of him.
Mr. Mustache sighed and nodded,
"You'll have to use the other one, custodian's cleaning that one." he said with a casual flick of the wrist, returning to the paper in front of him.
Bert sighed, reaching for the handle, only to have it pulled away from him in a fast, sweeping movement.
Lily stopped abruptly in the doorway, as if her feet had just found the edge of a cliff.
She stumbled slightly as she let out a high pitched gasp, hand flying to her chest.
"B-Bert." she breathed, hand pressed to her beating heart.
"H-Hey..." he stuttered, wide eyed in surprise, taking a small step backwards,
"The otheronewasoutoforder so the dudewiththemustachetoldmetouse THISONE." Bert explained in a blurt, hand running through his hair.
Suddenly Lily remembered her bruise and covered her nose with her hand self consciously,
"Oh...ok..." she said slowly, staring at the doorframe.
She looked up at him and caught his eyes...
And in a rush, it all came back to her... in a a sigh...
His lips..pressed against soft and eager...full of so much passion..something held back for so long..
She remembered his hands on her body...his tattooed fingers trembling lightly as they rested on her face;
And she remembered the way he had grabbed her; pulling her aggressively to him and kissing her hard..
like he he might explode..
But yet..
At the same time..
It was soft and tender and gentle and..
As much as Lily hated to admit it...
Her legs becoming entangled with his as she struggled underneath him momentarily..only to collapse back into his arms..surrender...for those few seconds before he pulled away, regaining her poise...
standing up straight, inhaling in oxygen and reality, ears opening to Gerard's cries.
It was as if she had just swam up to the surface, breaking the barrier of warm water and taking in a deep, harsh breath..filling her lungs with air, her ears buzzing with the high pitched screams and jeers of the crowd...her brain quickly discerning what and what not to do.
Suddenly everything was so harsh..not like the underwater world she was stuck in when she was locked in his arms..pressed up against his body..feeling his ribs digging against hers..
It was as if he was trying to pull her inside him, make their bodies meld into one..
Or maybe she was giving him too much credit.
Lily snapped back into reality..her cheeks burning bright red as she realized she had been staring at him in silence for the past couple seconds.
She cupped her hand tighter around her bruise, closing all the gaps between her fingers,
"I uh..I gotta go." she mumbled nasally, brushing past him quickly.
"O..Ok.." Bert muttered under his breath, still standing at the door frame, frown on his face as he stared at his feet....his worn sneakers...
"Hey Lily," he said, turning his head, glazed look in his unfocused eyes,
"Wait up a second..."
Lily tensed at his words, turning around slowly, looking up at the ceiling to hide the large purple and blue mark next to her freckled nose; reluctant to be vulnerable.
She refused to look at him..she couldn't
"Lil..." Bert repeated softly, facing her fully, arms crossed.
Lily looked away from the watermarked ceiling and into his eyes, a small frown on her face as she faced him, cheeks red.
"Hey.." she whispered, arms across her chest like a a shield.
She didn't cover her bruise..didn't look away, only stared at him with red cheeks and tired eyes, bravado obvious.
"Oh fuck." he said under his breath, hands wandering to his own nose,
"That's...." he cut himself off, "Are you ok?" he asked, brow furrowed.
Lily sighed and looked up at the vents,
"Yeah..." she said, voice a bit shaky, "I'm...fine."
She looked up at him with stone-like eyes, biting her lower lip as she dug her foot into the linoleum.
His lips...his chest...his hands on her back...
Bert took a few steps forward, standing in front of her with his hands in his pockets.
He reached out and touched her shoulder gently, to which she jumped slightly.
He pulled away with a frown,
"Listen Lil..I'm..." he began, only to lower his voice as he saw a pair of eyes, accompanied with a mustache, watching him guiltily from behind the counter,
"I'm sorry." he whispered, staring into her eyes intently.
His deep blue eyes looked sad, glistening slightly under the mini-mart lights.
Lily nodded slowly, biting her lower lip as she stared at a spot in the distance, eyes glazed over slightly.
She brought her hand to her mouth and nodded blankly, humming a yes.
Bert bent his knees slightly, lowering his face to level with hers.
"I'm sorry." he repeated, placing his hands on her shoulders, blue eyes searching for hers..for acceptance and understanding.
Lily became caught in his gaze, nodding with rather blurred eyes, hand still at her mouth,
"It...It's ok...." she said shakily, nodding rather incessantly.
"I...." she began, only to have her voice crack,
"I just don't want to lose both of my friends." she blurted, eyes on the brink of spilling over.
Bert's eyes softened, eyes brows furrowed together as he gripped her shoulder tightly,
"You didn't lose me Lily, I'm right here..I didn't go anywhere..I'm right here." he repeated softly, reassuringly.
Lily shook her head,
"No no no no," she insisted, sniffling with a shake of her head, "I lost Gerard, and I lost you too,
I'm a fucking failure, I can't even keep a friendship-"
"What do you mean by that? Yeah you can, we're still friends." Bert pushed softly, only to be cut off,
"It's not the same Bert!" Lily insisted, squirming her shoulders away from his grip.
Bert held his hands up with a sigh.
She lowered her voice slightly,
" kissed me." she said gravely,
"And...and.." she paused, wiping away a tear.
"And I'd do it again in a heartbeat." he interjected grabbing her wrists.
Lily looked up at him, wide eyed, blurred vision,
"W-what?" she stuttered.
"I'd kiss you, Lily...because I DON'T CARE." Bert said , eyes wide with emotion, eyebrows raised, clutching her wrists in his hands,
"I DONT care about the fuckin' media...I don't care about what some fucker on MTV says....I don't care about Gerard and I don't care about what anyone else in this god damn industry has to say,"
"Or your GIRLFRIEND for that matter!" Lily hissed, tearing her wrists from his hands.
"HEY HEY HEY!" Bert defended, "I know I fucked up but-" Bert began, following Lily as she attempted to walk away from him,
"BUT IT'S OVER." he added loudly as he grabbed her hand, pulling her back to him,
"It's over." he repeated softly.
"We broke up a couple days ago..." he said in a breath, staring into her eyes almost pleadingly,
"She's always been jealous of you..always..and..."
"Bert.." Lily said, shaking her head,
"I know this is sudden and-" Bert tried to explain.
"Damn RIGHT it's sudden." Lily agreed, snatching back her hand,
"What the fuck, Bert?!" she defended, suddenly growing taller, hands balled into fists at her side.
She didn't know how to handle this sudden burst of made her question every word, every MOVE he had made for the past year or so.
But above all, his actions made her question herself.
How DID she feel?
But, in all led to one thing..and that was two less friends for Lily.
Two dear friends, one of which she could confide in.
The one who she thought of as nothing more... had just kissed her days earlier, out of the blue, and was now expressing his adoration for her.
Their friendships would never be the same...and all because of her oblivious ways..fulfilling blonde stereotypes with a smile.
"Lily, I-" Bert began to explain.
"No no no no no, I don't need this Bert, this is tooooo weird." Lily said, flailing her arms slightly, shaking her head,
"I've already got a fucked up nose, a huge bruise, and no boyfriend because of you, so let's stop now before you BREAK-MY-ARM." she added forcefully, pulling her arm away from his grasp as she neared the door.
The truth was, she didn't want to think about it, or talk about it, anymore.
It was a whirlwind of emotions spinning out of control.
Suddenly, Bert was into her.
She should of seen it coming, but she didn't.
It blind-sided her like a slap in the face, leaving her speechless..mulling over every hug, every laugh..but especially..the one kiss..and how it made her feel.
No, she wouldn't allow herself to think about was too was too dramatic...she didn't need it...Gerard was enough..but....his lips...FUCK, LILY, SHUTUP!
Lily tensed up, stopping in her tracks.
"I...I love you." Bert repeated, a bit weaker, voice cracking.
Lily turned to face him,
"No you don't, Bert..." She said with a shake of her head,
"I don't even love myself."
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