Chapter 15 - Just Ignore All This Present Tense
"He's gone. He left," Shay said with little to no emotion in her voice.
She sat across from Sue who didn't show a reaction in her face, but internally her heart began to beat faster. To be honest, Sue was slightly shocked that Patrick had left. She really did think that his dedication to his family and undying love to his wife would have prevailed over this downfall in their marriage.
"What happened?" Sue asked shifting slightly in her chair.
"I told him. I told him everything....everything about Pete and Natalie. He was just as angry as I wanted him to be," Shay said putting her head down.
Sue allowed Shay to gain her thoughts and continue her account of what had happened.
"He left the house and I sent the children to my mother's. I knew that if he would come back, it probably wouldn't be a scene they should witness," Shay said quietly.
"What made you think that he wouldn't come back?" Sue asked.
"He was so angry. I've never seen him so angry before in all of my life. I was scared of him," Shay said lightly brushing away a tear that had started its travel down her cheek.
"So, he came back," Sue assumed.
"Yeah, the next day he came in as calm as day and looked me directly in the eyes to inform me that he was leaving. That was it. He packed a bag and left," Shay said allowing more tears to slide down her cheeks. The shock of it all had inhibited her to show too much emotion since he walked out that door.
"What are your thoughts about him leaving?" Sue asked.
"Thoughts?" Shay frowned.
"I've felt more deserving of being alone in my whole life. I wake up late at night in a sweat and I have a sense of panic when I reach for him and he's not there. Rory has been sleeping on my bedroom floor. I'm not sure if it more for comfort for him or myself."
"How are the children? - What's going on with them?" Sue asked.
"They don't know any of the details. I just told them that daddy had to go away for a little while," Shay said weakly.
Sue handed her a tissue. It was obvious that Shay was more upset about how this was going to affect the children than herself. Her emotions were put on hold until the mention of the kids.
"You and Patrick need to talk about how you are going to inform the children about what is going on. This is a family, no matter if one parent is in the home or not, and they have a right to know what is going on," Sue said simply.
"I know and I would tell them if I knew myself. I just have no idea what is going on in Patrick's mind and it is killing me. I almost want him to yell at me. I want him to tell me how much he hates me and how much I have destroyed his life. This calm and collective display that he put on for me when he left was harder than anything," Shay said clenching her fits.
"Maybe he doesn't know what to think or say, Shay. Maybe he doesn't hate you. He is more than likely just as confused about the situation as you are," Sue added some perspective to the situation.
"I just miss him so much," Shay started to cry again.
Shay hadn't been able to control her rapid mood changes since Patrick left. One moment she was angry and the next she was devastated. She experienced hatred towards herself and hatred towards Pete even though he wasn't entirely to blame.
"Of course you do, Shay. He's your husband," Sue said empathetically.
"I just wish I could take it all back," Shay put her head in her hands.
"Take what back? Telling him?" Sue asked.
"No. I'm glad I told him. He deserved to know what had happened. I just wish I could take back the events that led up to me having to tell him the truth. I wish I had realized how much I loved him and I wish that Natalie was his little girl," Shay said crying again.
"Unfortunately, Shay, you can't take it back, so you have to ask yourself what you are going to do now," Sue said in a soothing manner.
"I have no idea. I feel so lost without him," Shay said quietly.
"What's going on with Pete? Where has this truth left your relationship?" Sue asked changing the subject slightly.
"Nothing is going on with Pete. He keeps trying to console me and help me, but I can't even bear to look at him now that Patrick knows. Every time I look into his eyes I see what we did to Patrick, and it just hurts too much. How could we have done that to him?" Shay questioned.
"Only you and Pete know the answer to that question, Shay," Sue said quietly.
"It was selfishness. I'm a selfish bitch who only looks out for herself. I don't deserve Patrick," Shay said spiraling down into self hatred.
"If that's what you think," Sue said nodding.
"I don't know what I think!" Shay said getting frustrated.
Sue knew that Shay knew why she and Pete did what they did. She knew it wasn't entirely due to selfishness, but rather something that they both needed at the time, they just went to the wrong people to get their needs met.
"You seem pretty angry," Sue pointed out.
"Of course I'm angry! Why wasn't he the voice of reason? Why didn't he stop it? He's known Patrick years longer than me! He should have known better than to sleep with his best friend's wife!" Shay shouted.
Blame. Shay had pretty much lost her life partner even though he wasn't dead and now she was going through the stages of grief.
"So you blame Pete?" Sue asked.
Shay sighed heavily. She was exhausted.
"I know that I am to blame too, but I can't help but be angry with him. That kind of makes me a horrible person, doesn't it?" she asked calming down substantially.
"I don't think it makes you a horrible person. Shay, you are going through a huge change in your life right now and emotions are going to come and go faster than you will be able to comprehend them. Anger and blame are going to be just a few of the feelings that experience during this difficult time. The most important thing is how you cope with these feelings. You need to express these feelings in a healthy manner and I'm sure you know where I am getting at with this," Sue said with dominance in her voice.
Shay nodded slightly.
"I know and I'm not suicidal. I know that I have to suffer the consequences for my actions and I'm fully prepared to do so," she said quietly.
"Here's where I see you at, Shay. I see you struggling with many different emotions and thoughts because everything seems to be unanswered. If I were you I would talk to both Patrick and Pete, work together, and figure stuff out. If not for yourselves, then for the children. Once some questions get answered you are going to feel in more control, but until then the hopelessness is going to stay," Sue pointed out.
Shay nodded, but the fear was evident in her eyes. There were some questions she didn't want the answers to. There were some questions she was scared to get the answers to. And there were some questions that she just didn't know if there were answers to.
Patrick adored her from across the marquee in their garden, he would never forget how spectacular she looked that day in her wedding dress. Their low key day was full of happiness un a level he didn't know existed.
Shay caught his eyes on her and he sipped his drink with a smile, she stopped talking and smiled back at him. Aimee was only a few months old and lay over her shoulder sleeping peacefully.
They had a champagne breakfast as they continued to celebrate through the entire night.
Shay sat on the grass with her husband behind her and watched the sun invite itself to bless their first day of marriage. His parents had taken the children and the moment felt perfect for them as couple instead of parents.
"This is amazing..." Patrick said, kissing the back of Shay's neck softly. She shivered inside and put her hand up above her head and stroked his head gently. Their hands played with each other's and Shay looked at their wedding bands on their left hands.
"I'll love you forever Patrick." She whispered. Patrick smiled and kissed the side of neck affectionately.
"Yeah!" She giggled.
"For like, ever for ever." She said smiling, he chuckled gently.
She turned to straddle his lap, hoisting up her wedding gown and they kissed thirstily.
Shay would never forget how that feeling in her stomach had only adoration for him as he kissed her throat with so much passion and attention as his hands slid up her naked thighs and they bound their wedding vows.
Making love felt different for both of them after they had taken their vows. It felt so much more meaningful, it felt new and they could no longer hide from each other how they felt.
Patrick's hands slithered up the chiffon folds of her dress and pushed her body between his hands, feeling her like a possession that was now his.
It was beautiful.
But now Shay wasn't his and maybe she never was...
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