Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > I Write Sins Not Tragedies
Honor's P.O.V.
Max was the one thing that I hadn't told Ryan.He'd been the boy who I'd loved for over two months.He'd only admitted to me that he was a virgin and that he wanted to lose it to me the right way, knowing that he didn't hurt me at all or screw up at all.I too had been a virgin at that time, though I'd never admitted it to Max.He'd wanted to lose it to someone who had a little experience and I had none at all.His hand had never really traveled lower than my belt except for the rare occasion when I'd worn a skirt and Max took me back to his room to tease me a bit.I'd lost it to Max and less than a month later he'd died in my arms from a bullet I'd been forced to put in his heart with no other choice that would have saved both of us.It had taken me so long to put his death behind my back, it having been my fault and all, so I'd never told Ryan about Max.It still hurt a little to talk about Max, but I'd have to tell Ryan about him.
"Max was the sweetest guy that I'd ever met.He loved me.He cared for me.He wanted us to be together forever.Oh my god.There's so many things about him that I love that I also find in you, Ryan.He was one of the greatest guys on Earth, the best type of person you'd ever meet and the best friend who'd be by your side forever.He's the one that got me into Panic! in the first place.It was a shock to everyone who knew him that he died so suddenly." I said slowly holding back tears from thinking about Max and how I'd betrayed him when I'd been forced to kill him.My emotions were the only thing this time that would fail to let me finish my job.I couldn't tell Ryan that I was a killer.That I was supposed to kill him like I'd killed Max.God.Being human and having emotions sucks.
Ryan squeezed my hand as if to comfort me, then he put his arms around me and hugged me.
"When did he die?"
"August 30th."
Ryan stayed quiet and I realized the date that I'd said.Max had died on Ryan's birthday.I let out a soft gasp and Ryan suddenly let go of my hand.
"So that must be a bad date for you..." Ryan said, his voice trailing off.
"It is and it isn't." I said choosing my words carefully. " Max died on that day, yet you were born that day."
"You lost your true love the day that I turned nineteen.Kinda makes me hate my birthday." Ryan said looking down at the floor.
"Max would want me to be happy with another.He always wanted me to be happy." I touched Ryan's cheek and forced him to look up at me.Then I kissed his lips softly, biting down on his lower lip gentley.Ryan let out a little gasp in surprise when I did that, then accepted my next kiss which held some of the passion that I felt for him, which I hated so bad.I wanted Ryan to be mine like Max had been mine.I wanted Ryan to be mine and own my heart and my body, like Max had before I'd killed him.My hands were on Ryan's cheeks, holding his face just inches away from mine.He touched my waist and slowly slid his arms around me, then leaned forward and kissed my lips.The moment that he kissed me this time, I felt guilty.Oh, how I wanted to tell him that only a few weeks before I'd been employed to kill him for a reason that I didn't know, though I hadn't wanted to from the start when I found out who I was supposed to kill.I'd been a Panic! fan since Max had introduced me to their music and Ryan had always been my favorite band memeber.Up until I'd met him in the mall and realized that the boy who I'd been talking to via AIM for the past few months was the same person who I was supposed to kill, I'd told myself that I'd be able to do it, but now, I knew that I couldn't.I'd fallen in love and that screwed everything up. "Ryan, I'll admit this.I want you so bad.I want to be helplessly curled in your arms.I want you to be inside of me, but if you want to wait, I'll wait with you." I had no clue where that had come from and by the look on Ryan's face, neither did he.I guess hormones and emotions really screw you up when your a teenager on a mission to kill.
"Who said that I still wanted to wait for 'The One'?I want to do it so bad and do so much of it, but I want my first time to be done right." Ryan pulled me close enough to his body that I could hear his heart beating so slowly.I sighed as Ryan slowly began to kiss my neck.It felt so good that I felt like Ryan was making me melt inside.Oh.Fuck me doing my job.I wanted to be happy at the moment and the only way I felt happy was with Ryan.I'd killed Max, whom I'd loved dearly.I couldn't kill Ryan too.It would be too much for me and it probably would drive me mad.
He pulled my shirt up and I allowed him to pull it over my head and lay it down beside me.His kisses touched my collarbone and I let out a soft moan of pleasure.I felt him slid my bra straps down, his hands shaking as he reached around behind me and unsnapped the back of my bra and felt him slid it off.His kisses were so soft that I quivered when he planted a kiss on my breasts.Then he ran his hands across my breasts and felt his hand stop at my nipple.Just then I realized how cold Ryan's skin was as he slowly ran his fingers over my nipples.I reached down and gently pulled his face towards me.
"Your touch is like torture to me, Ry, and I'm enjoying it." I whispered to him as I kissed him softly on the lips.Ryan smiled as I ran my hands down his back and slid them up under his t-shirt.I think he enjoyed feeling my warm skin against his cold skin.Ryan allowed me to slid his shirt off of him and I pulled him closer to me, kissing his neck ever so softly.Something suddenly came over me and I gently bit into Ryan's skin and he gasped softly.
"Honor, this is the furthest that I've ever gone.I like you a lot, it might be love but I'm not totally sure, and I want you, but ummm, could we just lay here like this and fall asleep together?" Ryan whispered in my ear softly.I nodded slowly and he sighed lovingly, his breath tickling my neck.He laid his head down on my shoulder and hugged me tightly like he never wanted me to go.I wrapped my arms around his chest and looked up at the ceiling.I really felt guilty now.The kid was in love with me and if I wanted to stay alive, I had to finish the job depending on who hired me, which I didn't know.'Why would they want Ryan dead?He's so young and still a child.' I wondered for the first time since I'd found out who he was.Jac's warning to me when she'd originally tracked me down, after she'd somehow found out that I was the one who was supposed to kill Ryan, ran through my head, though she still had me confused as to what Ryan had done that anyone would want him dead. 'Don't let an innocent person die.He only did it for me, because I asked him to.It was my fault.I should be the one killed, not him.'
After a few minutes of wondering, I snapped out of it and came back to reality.I heard Ryan's soft snores and wound up smiling.He was so sweet and cute.All I ever really wanted was right there with me now and I wanted to keep it, even though my job and possibly my life might be on the line if I decided to protect Ryan instead of killing him.I wasn't going to let him die like Max had.He was going to live, even if I wound up dieing.I loved him so much that I wouldn't be able to bare it if he died.Fuck my job.Ryan was more important.
Max was the one thing that I hadn't told Ryan.He'd been the boy who I'd loved for over two months.He'd only admitted to me that he was a virgin and that he wanted to lose it to me the right way, knowing that he didn't hurt me at all or screw up at all.I too had been a virgin at that time, though I'd never admitted it to Max.He'd wanted to lose it to someone who had a little experience and I had none at all.His hand had never really traveled lower than my belt except for the rare occasion when I'd worn a skirt and Max took me back to his room to tease me a bit.I'd lost it to Max and less than a month later he'd died in my arms from a bullet I'd been forced to put in his heart with no other choice that would have saved both of us.It had taken me so long to put his death behind my back, it having been my fault and all, so I'd never told Ryan about Max.It still hurt a little to talk about Max, but I'd have to tell Ryan about him.
"Max was the sweetest guy that I'd ever met.He loved me.He cared for me.He wanted us to be together forever.Oh my god.There's so many things about him that I love that I also find in you, Ryan.He was one of the greatest guys on Earth, the best type of person you'd ever meet and the best friend who'd be by your side forever.He's the one that got me into Panic! in the first place.It was a shock to everyone who knew him that he died so suddenly." I said slowly holding back tears from thinking about Max and how I'd betrayed him when I'd been forced to kill him.My emotions were the only thing this time that would fail to let me finish my job.I couldn't tell Ryan that I was a killer.That I was supposed to kill him like I'd killed Max.God.Being human and having emotions sucks.
Ryan squeezed my hand as if to comfort me, then he put his arms around me and hugged me.
"When did he die?"
"August 30th."
Ryan stayed quiet and I realized the date that I'd said.Max had died on Ryan's birthday.I let out a soft gasp and Ryan suddenly let go of my hand.
"So that must be a bad date for you..." Ryan said, his voice trailing off.
"It is and it isn't." I said choosing my words carefully. " Max died on that day, yet you were born that day."
"You lost your true love the day that I turned nineteen.Kinda makes me hate my birthday." Ryan said looking down at the floor.
"Max would want me to be happy with another.He always wanted me to be happy." I touched Ryan's cheek and forced him to look up at me.Then I kissed his lips softly, biting down on his lower lip gentley.Ryan let out a little gasp in surprise when I did that, then accepted my next kiss which held some of the passion that I felt for him, which I hated so bad.I wanted Ryan to be mine like Max had been mine.I wanted Ryan to be mine and own my heart and my body, like Max had before I'd killed him.My hands were on Ryan's cheeks, holding his face just inches away from mine.He touched my waist and slowly slid his arms around me, then leaned forward and kissed my lips.The moment that he kissed me this time, I felt guilty.Oh, how I wanted to tell him that only a few weeks before I'd been employed to kill him for a reason that I didn't know, though I hadn't wanted to from the start when I found out who I was supposed to kill.I'd been a Panic! fan since Max had introduced me to their music and Ryan had always been my favorite band memeber.Up until I'd met him in the mall and realized that the boy who I'd been talking to via AIM for the past few months was the same person who I was supposed to kill, I'd told myself that I'd be able to do it, but now, I knew that I couldn't.I'd fallen in love and that screwed everything up. "Ryan, I'll admit this.I want you so bad.I want to be helplessly curled in your arms.I want you to be inside of me, but if you want to wait, I'll wait with you." I had no clue where that had come from and by the look on Ryan's face, neither did he.I guess hormones and emotions really screw you up when your a teenager on a mission to kill.
"Who said that I still wanted to wait for 'The One'?I want to do it so bad and do so much of it, but I want my first time to be done right." Ryan pulled me close enough to his body that I could hear his heart beating so slowly.I sighed as Ryan slowly began to kiss my neck.It felt so good that I felt like Ryan was making me melt inside.Oh.Fuck me doing my job.I wanted to be happy at the moment and the only way I felt happy was with Ryan.I'd killed Max, whom I'd loved dearly.I couldn't kill Ryan too.It would be too much for me and it probably would drive me mad.
He pulled my shirt up and I allowed him to pull it over my head and lay it down beside me.His kisses touched my collarbone and I let out a soft moan of pleasure.I felt him slid my bra straps down, his hands shaking as he reached around behind me and unsnapped the back of my bra and felt him slid it off.His kisses were so soft that I quivered when he planted a kiss on my breasts.Then he ran his hands across my breasts and felt his hand stop at my nipple.Just then I realized how cold Ryan's skin was as he slowly ran his fingers over my nipples.I reached down and gently pulled his face towards me.
"Your touch is like torture to me, Ry, and I'm enjoying it." I whispered to him as I kissed him softly on the lips.Ryan smiled as I ran my hands down his back and slid them up under his t-shirt.I think he enjoyed feeling my warm skin against his cold skin.Ryan allowed me to slid his shirt off of him and I pulled him closer to me, kissing his neck ever so softly.Something suddenly came over me and I gently bit into Ryan's skin and he gasped softly.
"Honor, this is the furthest that I've ever gone.I like you a lot, it might be love but I'm not totally sure, and I want you, but ummm, could we just lay here like this and fall asleep together?" Ryan whispered in my ear softly.I nodded slowly and he sighed lovingly, his breath tickling my neck.He laid his head down on my shoulder and hugged me tightly like he never wanted me to go.I wrapped my arms around his chest and looked up at the ceiling.I really felt guilty now.The kid was in love with me and if I wanted to stay alive, I had to finish the job depending on who hired me, which I didn't know.'Why would they want Ryan dead?He's so young and still a child.' I wondered for the first time since I'd found out who he was.Jac's warning to me when she'd originally tracked me down, after she'd somehow found out that I was the one who was supposed to kill Ryan, ran through my head, though she still had me confused as to what Ryan had done that anyone would want him dead. 'Don't let an innocent person die.He only did it for me, because I asked him to.It was my fault.I should be the one killed, not him.'
After a few minutes of wondering, I snapped out of it and came back to reality.I heard Ryan's soft snores and wound up smiling.He was so sweet and cute.All I ever really wanted was right there with me now and I wanted to keep it, even though my job and possibly my life might be on the line if I decided to protect Ryan instead of killing him.I wasn't going to let him die like Max had.He was going to live, even if I wound up dieing.I loved him so much that I wouldn't be able to bare it if he died.Fuck my job.Ryan was more important.
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