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(Tasha's POV)(A week later)
"Tasha! Josh is hungry again." Lina yelled from upstairs.
I sighed.
"Okay. I'll be up in a second." I yelled back and got some baby formula from the fridge and made some for the baby.
Once I had made enough of the formula, I put it in a baby bottle.
As I walked into the room, thought flooded through my mind.
Thoughts of Kim dying right in front of me.
Thoughts of Kim's funeral.
Spencer had come with Jon.
It was great to see Jon again.
Brendon didn't come for some reason.
And Ryan didn't come because he didn't want to.
I felt so bad for Spencer.
He had broken up with Cat that same day that Kim had died.
He realized that he would NEVER love anyone as much as he had loved Kim.
I snapped back to reality.
Josh was crying again.
That's all he seemed to do.
I picked him up out of his crib and sat down with him on a rocking chair that had gotten shipped to my house from a Mr. Adam Mynes.
Well, at least my dad helped me get some things for the baby.
I didn't have many good memories with my dad.
He was abusive. He used to beat me and my mom.
He never touched Kim.
She was the apple of his eye.
Daddy's little girl.
I on the other hand, was the milkman's kid.
I hated both of my parents.
"Shh.. It's okay. I've got some milk for you baby." I said softly to Josh.
He seemed to be calmed by the sound of my voice.
I held him in my arms as I put the bottle to his mouth.
He started drinking, and I started rocking back and forth lightly.
I started singing a lullaby to him.
He seemed to like 'Hush Little Baby' alot.
After about 10 minutes of drinking, he had fallen asleep in my arms.
I slowly stood up and placed him gently back into his crib.
I then pulled a small blanket over his small body.
Just then I heard the doorbell ring.
I shut the door to the baby's room after turning on the baby monitor.
I went downstairs and opened the door to be greeted by a huge smile and a huge bear hug.
"RACHEL!" I said surprised, but not too loud because of the baby.
"Hi Tasha!" She said and we pulled away from the hug.
"Soo.. how have you been?" She asked.
I put my finger infront of my mouth to tell her to 'shh'.
"Oh sorry. The baby's sleeping, huh?" She said softly.
"Yeah. I just put him to bed. So what brings you to PA again?" I asked her.
She had only come to visit me once before, about 6 months ago.
"Oh, I was just in the neighborhood. With My Chem." She said as I shut the front door and we walked to the kitchen.
"Oh, sounds cool. So you and Frank doing okay?" I asked her.

"Yeah. Actually, we're talking about having a baby!" She smiled widely.
"Have fun with that one. Babies. Not the best thing in the world." I said.
"Oh please. They're so cute, and adorable." She said.
"Yeah, like waking up in the middle of the night a few times is adorable." I joked.
"It won't ALWAYS be like that. When he gets older, he wont be as bad." She smiled.
"I'll take your word for that." I smiled.
"Would you like something to drink?" I asked her.
"Do you have some coffee?" She asked.
"Yeah, I'll put some on. Coffee sounds really good right now." I said.
"Yeah. It does." She said.
After a few moments of silence, I brought up the topic that hurt my heart the most.
"Soo.. Have you heard from Panic?" I asked her.
"Well... ummn." She said.
"What?" I asked curiously.
"Well.. I don't know if I'm supposed to be telling you this.. but Ryan. Well, it was the last month that Panic was on tour, right. Well he was getting really bad with drinking and 'experimenting', and he uh...kinda had a girl come on the bus.." She said sadly.
"Oh. Okay. So he's moved on?" I asked.
"Yeah. I'm sorry Tasha." She comforted me.
"Oh its okay. It wasn't meant to be." I sighed.
Rachel then stood up and hugged me.
I cried in her arms.
"Shh, it's okay Tash. He doesn't deserve you." She said, comforting me.
I just broke down crying in my best friend's arms.
A baby's cry interrupted my crying.
I pulled away from the hug, wiped my eyes, and walked upstairs with Rachel following me.
Once we got in the room, I picked up Josh.
"Hey you!" Rachel said.
Josh just looked at her.
"Can I hold him?" She asked with a smile.
"Sure." I smiled and gently handed Josh to her.
He seemed to be calmed by being held by Rachel.
I guess Rachel had that affect on everyone.
"You can bring him down. He's probably bored to death. I don't have ANY toys for the poor boy." I said and we all made our way back downstairs.
"Aw, well I'm sure we can go shopping sometime and buy him some stuff." Rachel suggested.
"Yeah. When I have a job with a higher paycheck." I said.
"Aw, Tasha. Well...." Rachel said while thinking.
After a few seconds, it looked like an imaginary light bulb lit up above her head.
"Well..Spencer's little sister is all grown up now. You could ask Spencer if he could possibly give you some baby stuff. I'm sure he'll say yeah." She said.
"Oh, I don't know, Rach." I said while pouring the both of us some coffee.
"Why? It's Spencer." She said, knowing why I didn't want to ask Spencer or anyone.
"I know. But I just dont-" I said.
"But you just don't want people to know that you need help. I know, Tasha. Sometimes in life, you do need help. And it's okay to let other people know. Because if they didn't know that you needed help, how are they supposed to help you?" She asked, getting all worked up.
I knew why.
She still hated the fact that she couldn't help me with my cutting issue.
I had officially stopped cutting about a year ago.
"Look, Rachel.. I know that you wanted to help me with my cutting problem.." I said but she cut me off.
"Oh, its no big deal-" She said but I cut her off.
"No, it is. To you. I know. You're my best friend. And I know how much you wanted to help me get through that. I'm sorry. I wish you could have. But just be happy that I stopped. Okay?" I asked.
She looked at me, puzzled.
"You stopped? Since when?" She asked all confused.
"Did anyone tell yo-" I said but I stopped talking.
Of course no one told her.
She hadn't been near Spencer OR Jon OR Lina.
So how could she have known?
"Oh, I'm sorry Rach. I thought someone told you.." I trailed off.
"No, no one told me. When did you stop?" She asked with a small smile.
"About a year ago. Lina and Jeremy had put me into a therapy session thing for cutters. I met some people who were also dealing with the problem, and they all wanted to stop, like me, but couldn't stop alone." I said, thinking back to all of the wonderful people that I had met through those therapy sessions.
"Oh, thats really great! I'm so proud of you Tasha." She said with a huge smile, as she bounced the baby around lightly.
"Yeah, thanks." I smiled.
"So has he said any words at all?" She asked me, while looking down at Josh.
"No, not that I know of." I said, while placing a cup of coffee in front of Rachel.
"Well, I shall teach him a new word." She said before taking a sip of the coffee.
I laughed lightly.
"Be my guest." I smiled and drank some of my French Vanilla coffee.
She laughed too.
Rachel stayed for about another hour, then she had to leave.
I was now carrying Josh around the house, as I cleaned up a bit.
Lina and Jeremy were either working or at school, so I was basically home alone during the week.
And during the weekend, I would work at a daycare center, to get some extra money for Josh and myself.
Josh would be in the daycare center while I worked.
So I was working, AND watching him.
He looked EXACTLY like Spencer.
After the funeral, Spencer came over, and held Josh in his hands.
He was shocked that he helped create such a beautiful baby boy.
Spencer called me about once every two days, or whenever he had the chance.
I felt so bad.
Spencer wanted to be a father.
But being super famous, and in a band, he wouldn't have any time to be a father.
I guess that's why Kim gave me the guardianship to Josh.
A few weeks passed by, and the money issue wasn't going too great.
I was getting JUST enough money to get food for Josh and myself. Nothing much.
I was so greatful that Lina and Jeremy didn't charge me rent.
But I knew that I would soon have to get my own place.
But how?

(Rewind- back to the day of the funeral.)
(Ryan's POV)
"Ryan! Get your ass ready... NOW!" Spencer yelled from the back room of the tour bus.
"No!" I yelled back.
"Why the fuck not?" He yelled.
"Because. I don't fucking want to. You're not my fucking mother. I can do whatever the hell I want to, asshole." I snipped at him.
"Grouchy much, Ry?" Jon asked me.
"Yeah, apparently." I snapped at Jon.
"God. EXCUSE ME!" Jon said and made his way to the back of the tour bus.
My cell phone rang.
"Hello?" I answered it.
It was Pete.
"Dude, what the fuck. What did I do to you?" He asked, hurt by my tone of voice that I had answered the phone with.
"God. What do you want?" I snapped.
"Jeesh. I was just calling to ask what is all the commotion on that bus." He said.
"Well, apparently, Kim died. You know, Tasha's older sister." I said, stressing Tasha's name more.
"Oh, I'm so sorry man. I'll be over soon." He said and hung up the phone.
"Hey assholes. Your manwhore is on his way over here to comfort you." I yelled to the back of the bus.
"Shut the hell up, Ryan." Spencer yelled at me.
"Whatever." I shrugged, and turned on the TV.
Apparently, one of the guys had on Lifetime Movie Network; a gay television channel that had all these gay movies on it about women that were getting abused and how they escaped.
Jon.
He liked those kinds of movies.
What a bitch.
I was about to change the channel, when someone else was calling my cell phone.
I checked the caller ID.
Roxy.
I answered it.
"Hey baby." I said into the phone.
"Hey. Where are you?" She asked.
"Oh, just in the tour bus. Why?" I asked.
"Because, I'm all alone, and have the house to myself. Wanna come over? I'm so lonely." She whined into the phone.
I loved when she whined.
"I'll be there in a few. Bye." I said and shut off my cell phone.
Just as I was about to turn off the TV, the main character of the movie screamed, "No! Please don't leave me. I'm sorry. I messed up!" She cried and fell to the floor.
"Oh, you're so desperate, you whore." I said to the tv.
"No, Natasha. I don't want to be with you. You were dishonest with me-" the guy on the TV said to the girl, but the girl cut him off.
"But I didn't mean to. I didn't know how you'd react. And even if I would have told you, you would have left me." She cried more.
My head tilted to the side, as I watched the rest of this scene.
She had explained what she did wrong, and the guy realized that he was over reacting, and then they hugged each other oh so tightly, with not even any space to breath.
Then they kissed... passionately.
As I watched it, I remembered kissing Tasha.
I got up, with tear stained cheeks, and shut off the TV angrily.
No.
I didn't mess up.
I didn't over react.
She didn't tell me the truth.
She doesn't deserve to be with me.
No....
'You dont deserve to be with her, dumbass.' My mind told me.
What have I done?
Shit.