Spencer gently rocked me on his lap as I continued to cry on his shoulder, it was the first time that I had been this bad, I just couldn’t help myself.
“You’re right,” I said while burying my head into his shoulder, “I’m only doing it so that he won’t care anymore.” I whispered.
“Elspeth…if I was in your position I wouldn’t want him to care anymore…I mean he cheated on you for six solid months, you must have felt a little cheated?” Spencer asked openly. I suddenly raised my eyebrows as I could see he was totally confused in this situation.
“No…Spence I’m not on about Pete.” I sighed while getting off his lap and sitting next to him on the bed.
“Okay, I’m confused…who are you talking about then?” He asked while raising an eyebrow. I combed my fingers through my hair with a hint of frustration because I didn’t know whether to tell him about Brendon. It could make everything go wrong.
I stared into his eyes, the colour symmetric with mine, “You’ve got to promise not to hate me first.” I said seriously.
“I promise.” He said while not loosing eye contact with me.
I bit hard on my bottom lip; I’d wanted to tell him for ages about what I and Brendon had, he was one of my best friends and I never kept secrets from him…but somehow the thought of letting the words out made my stomach feel sick. “I’m not the sort of person that prepares for the future…I never really have been, I mean me and Pete that wasn’t planned to happen and it only really did because of the baby.” I paused.
“Hold on I thought the baby was Brendon’s?” Spencer interrupted while throwing me a confused look.
“Yes it was, but we had problems so Pete offered to help and I really wish I had said no now, Pete’s half the man Brendon is.” I paused again and tried to push the thoughts to the back of my head about that subject…it was one of the many painful regrets I had stored in my head. Spencer grasped my hand and gave me a smile of encouragement for me to go on.
“Well anyway…a lot of the actions I have done in the last year I do regret and I wonder if I hadn’t of got with Pete then maybe I’d be with…the one. I know you shouldn’t dwell on the ‘if’s’ and ‘but’s’…but if none of this had happened it would be a whole lot easier.” I sighed.
“Okay…I know that was all deep and meaningful but its still not getting to the point of why you’re trying to make someone not care.” Spencer said nervously.
“Its Brendon…it’s always going to be Brendon, I put my heart on the line for him and he just tossed it aside like a piece of garbage. I just want the pain to go away…I don’t want to feel anything for him anymore.” I said honestly while letting the tears trickle down my soft cheeks.
Spencer wrapped his arms safely round me and pulled me closer for a hug, he seemed to be the only lifeline I have at the moment because everything else is falling apart.
“Yes…okay…well I’m not sure I can do that date it’s a bit awkward and it’s quite soon really.” I sat down on the sofa and rolled my hand over my face as my manager talked through the dates for our tour. “Dude…I’m not being funny nor anything but do you really think Spencer is ready to tour after everything? Especially since it starts next week,” I sighed.
“Yes I’m sure.” The voice replied.
“Well ring him because I’m not signing to this till you’ve cleared it.” I sighed down the phone while soon after hanging up.
I collapsed into the sofa while putting my hand on my head and closing my eyes to try and find some harmony. I knew in my heart that it was too soon for a tour even if Spencer did agree to it I know I would still feel a sense of wrongness on the tour.
“Is it on?” I heard a voice ask from the side of the room. I opened my eyes to see Jenna stood by the door frame.
“I don’t know…I’d rather it wasn’t.” I said frankly. She walked over to the sofa and sat next to me.
“How can I perform in front of all those people? When I’m on stage I’m supposed to want to be there…but to be quite honest I don’t…I don’t even think I wanna be sat here.” I said while practically tearing my hair out.
I had been trying to climb over a lot of obstacles recently and I didn’t have a clue how…I was weak and I couldn’t see anything changing fast.
“What do you mean you don’t want to be here?” She asked with a little anger creeping into the tone of her voice.
“I mean…maybe this just doesn’t feel right.” I said while getting up off the sofa and pulling out a
“Brendon, can you just be straight with me rather than fucking sugar coating it.” She said angrily. I rolled my eyes as I lit my fag, I stared at her pale complexion as I tried to pluck that tiny bit of courage up inside of me to tell her what was up.
“Look I just need to get away for a few days…my heads a mess and you’re not helping.” I sighed while pulling on my green clandestine hoody.
I grabbed my iphone and my car keys off the side as she pulled back my arm and said seriously, “Either you want to be with me or you don’t.”
My lip quivered as I wanted to tell her…I just didn’t know how.
“Brendon!” She shouted, “It’s a simple question that requires a simple answer.” She said as her voice regained its calm composure.
“I’m sorry…I can’t live a lie anymore, I want to love you but to be quite honest I can’t.” I said as she loosened her grip. I stared into her watery hazel eyes.
“I knew it! I shouldn’t have trusted you…you’re a one girl man.” She said coldly. She quickly pushed me down the corridor and literally threw me out of her front door while slamming it behind me.
“That went well.” I muttered while making my way to my car.
Once I was in my car it just felt like I had a huge weight lifted off my back. I hated living like this…I hadn’t felt right since Hayley’s funeral and yet again I was playing chicken and running from it all just like I had done with Elspeth. I put my iphone in its cradle as it started to blare from my speakers. I knew that I should have felt bad after the events that had just happened but it was like I was a machine…I didn’t feel anything. I waited as I rang Ryan. The dial tone echoed throughout the car it made it feel large and empty.
“Hello,” Ryan said on the other end of the phone.
“Hey Rye, are your living with Elspeth at the moment?” I asked hopefully.
“Yeah I am…why?” He asked.
“Well I’ll pay you a hundred bucks to go out tonight.” I said while letting a smirk wipe across my face as I could picture the look on his face.
“Sure, I like the sounds of that…may I ask why you’re so keen though.” He laughed.
I paused for a second as I thought through the words in my head, “I’m just putting things right is all.” I said finally.
OKay wat do ya think? please review only a few more chaps left til the big final chap. R and r please.
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