Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Secret in Silence
Am I losing myself
The clock blinked something around 3 am as I lay in bed sleep deprived and deep in thought. After Frank had left me by the fire, it took me nearly two hours to get my muscles moving again. Of course, by then we were already back on the road with the gravel moving beneath the tires of the bus. My brain was hazy, clouded over with inappropriate thoughts and I could feel a small smile on my face. For the past three hours or so, my eyes had been locked to the ceiling looking for an exit to take my mind away from the thoughts I was picturing. You see, I don’t remember reaching the edge of my bunk, but I can distinctively picture Franks lips molded into mine with our arms tangled tightly together. Goosebumps worked their way up my body and a shiver was sent through my spine as I recalled the recent activities. Quickly removing the image from my head, I rolled unto my side to rid the uncomfortable feeling.
Huge mistake.
The second I rolled over, I was pulled down to the floor by gravity and landed with a loud /thud/. My back was thrown against the floor and my head quickly followed. A surge of pain circled itself into my system while the wind was knocked out of me.
A soft irritated growl escaped my lips and I began to rub my now extremely sore back. Standing up hopefully wouldn’t be so difficult. My brain was sending mental waves to my limbs to move when a sound caused me to lose my concentration. Lifting my head up my eyes reached those of my brother’s.
“You just can’t stay away from him can you?” he teased.
I raised my eyebrows as if asking a question and never took my eyes off his face. He merely tilted his head to the bunk below mine amusement clearly in his eyes. Oh. Snuggled in his blankets was a sleeping Frank. His eyes were shut creating an image of peace about him. The small light from the moon was trickling in through the window enhancing his delicate features and paled olive skin. He was truly beautiful, even when he slept.
Reluctantly I turned back to my brother who was grinning from ear to ear. “…Well?” he pushed on the subject.
“I fell off the fucking bed Mikey, so don’t get your hopes up.” I snapped back. Lately he’s been getting this idea that Frank and I were suddenly glued together. And honestly, the amusement of it has passed.
“Well then I’ll leave alone to you peep shows and fantasies.” He replied. I flipped him the bird and watched as he made his way into the main room. He could be such an ass but I knew he was the best friend that I was ever going to have.
Well I wasn’t even sleeping in the first place so with nothing else to do but stare up at the ceiling I followed my brother through the hallway. When I reached the main room, I bit back the urge to laugh. There he stood in front of the coffee pot with two mugs. He had obviously expected me to follow.
“So do you want to tell me why you’re still up at 3 am or do I get to assume the worst possibilities?” He asked casually.
“First off, I could ask you the same thing. Secondly, what’s the worst possibilities?” I asked my curiosity now piqued.
“I’m up, my dear brother because you kept mumbling to yourself how you couldn’t believe you had just done that and what a mistake it had been. Then I hear your body slam into the floor. Now at first I guessed that you were mindlessly sleep talking. Obviously my guess was wrong so, are you going to tell me what’s wrong or not.” He stated calmly.
So much for concealing that secret. I never felt the movement of words escaping my lips. Then again, they were numb due to Frank’s velvet soft ones pressing against them.
“I’ll get to my part…if you finish yours.” I said. He gave me a soft smile and rolled his eyes.
There was a brisk high-pitched beep followed by the fragrant smell of caffeine. Mikey gracefully got up and filled the mugs to the top with the steaming liquid. Quietly he added a small amount of sugar and cream and brought them over to the table. Gently, one mug slid across the table until it reached my hands. I greedily grabbed the mug and held it close to my lips. With a swift blow of air to cool it off a bit, the liquid filled my mouth. I let out a content sigh as the bittersweet taste ran down my throat and heated my whole body. The contrast between the air-conditioned bus and freshly brewed coffee was oddly pleasurable. I looked above the rim of my mug to see Mikey set his down satisfied.
“Simple…I just had the impression that you had either slept with Frank or was thinking about raping him.” He said smiling.
I choked on the coffee that had just entered my mouth and coughed nearly dropping my mug as the caffeine burned the sides of my throat. My hand reached my chest as I patted it with wide eyes. Okay that was a bit much and I definitely didn’t see that one coming.
“W-why in the world would you think that!” I sputtered still recovering from my near deadly experience.
“Honestly Gerard, it wouldn’t surprise anyone. You act as if all those kisses on stage and groping sessions don’t mean a thing to you.” He said with his tone raised slightly.
“That’s because it doesn’t Mikey. We’re an intimate band you know that. Those kisses are just our way of expressing it. They don’t mean anything.” I retorted in what I hoped was a convincing voice. I returned my eyes to the dark liquid that was swirling around in the mug between my hands. Mikey had hit a weak thread and I didn’t want to have to deal with this right now. If this is what he wanted me for then I preferred to continue and stare up and the ceiling.
“Okay fine, so the stage kisses mean nothing. But how about the one you two shared earlier?” he said mockingly.
He knew he caught my attention because as soon as those words passed through his lips my worked their way up to his face. Once more a knowing smirk on his face with his teeth slightly showing. My cheeks became warm rising with blush. At the same time, I was undeniably upset that Mikey or perhaps everyone else had been watching.
“Y-you s-saw that? I thought you guys had g-gone to bed.” Clearly I had been caught.
“Ah, so you two do have something.” He said with that smile never leaving his face.
“When are you going to get it through your thick headed skull that there is nothing between us! He means nothing to me in that sort of way. I love him Mikey, I do, but I’m not in love with him.” I said with the blush finally leaving my face.
“So what you were simply caught up in the moment!” We were arguing. That was apparent. I just couldn’t believe we were arguing about this.
“Yes Mikey okay. We were just talking and i-it just seemed like…”
“…what Gerard? It just seemed like the right thing to do. So it’s okay to mess with people and lead them over the edge. Its okay to put so much passion into something only to discover it’s merely a game.” Since when is it his place to get upset about it. It was my actions not his. Sure it was a problem seeing as we were now fighting over it. My problem now is trying to understand why he’s so upset over this particular topic.
“What the hell are you trying to say Mikey? Huh, I mean what do you want me to do seriously?” I asked with just as much anger in my voice.
“I don’t care what you do Gerard. You’re your own person; you’re old enough to make your own choices for crying aloud. Yes, you’re my brother and I’ll always love you but you need to understand why he came to you.”
“Why he what..?” I wanted so bad to understand Mikey’s reasoning behind this but the truth scared me.
“The pieces to the puzzle are out in the open Gee. Use what’s left of your brain for once and figure it out.” With that said, he downed the rest of his coffee stood up and looked at me briefly. “You’ve known the answer the whole time. You just seem to deny the truth.” That was the last I heard before I found myself laying on my back staring up at the ceiling once more with a cigarette hanging loosely from my fingertips. A cloud of white smoked danced around my head hauntingly as the poisoned stick intoxicated my lunges.
The clock blinked something around 3 am as I lay in bed sleep deprived and deep in thought. After Frank had left me by the fire, it took me nearly two hours to get my muscles moving again. Of course, by then we were already back on the road with the gravel moving beneath the tires of the bus. My brain was hazy, clouded over with inappropriate thoughts and I could feel a small smile on my face. For the past three hours or so, my eyes had been locked to the ceiling looking for an exit to take my mind away from the thoughts I was picturing. You see, I don’t remember reaching the edge of my bunk, but I can distinctively picture Franks lips molded into mine with our arms tangled tightly together. Goosebumps worked their way up my body and a shiver was sent through my spine as I recalled the recent activities. Quickly removing the image from my head, I rolled unto my side to rid the uncomfortable feeling.
Huge mistake.
The second I rolled over, I was pulled down to the floor by gravity and landed with a loud /thud/. My back was thrown against the floor and my head quickly followed. A surge of pain circled itself into my system while the wind was knocked out of me.
A soft irritated growl escaped my lips and I began to rub my now extremely sore back. Standing up hopefully wouldn’t be so difficult. My brain was sending mental waves to my limbs to move when a sound caused me to lose my concentration. Lifting my head up my eyes reached those of my brother’s.
“You just can’t stay away from him can you?” he teased.
I raised my eyebrows as if asking a question and never took my eyes off his face. He merely tilted his head to the bunk below mine amusement clearly in his eyes. Oh. Snuggled in his blankets was a sleeping Frank. His eyes were shut creating an image of peace about him. The small light from the moon was trickling in through the window enhancing his delicate features and paled olive skin. He was truly beautiful, even when he slept.
Reluctantly I turned back to my brother who was grinning from ear to ear. “…Well?” he pushed on the subject.
“I fell off the fucking bed Mikey, so don’t get your hopes up.” I snapped back. Lately he’s been getting this idea that Frank and I were suddenly glued together. And honestly, the amusement of it has passed.
“Well then I’ll leave alone to you peep shows and fantasies.” He replied. I flipped him the bird and watched as he made his way into the main room. He could be such an ass but I knew he was the best friend that I was ever going to have.
Well I wasn’t even sleeping in the first place so with nothing else to do but stare up at the ceiling I followed my brother through the hallway. When I reached the main room, I bit back the urge to laugh. There he stood in front of the coffee pot with two mugs. He had obviously expected me to follow.
“So do you want to tell me why you’re still up at 3 am or do I get to assume the worst possibilities?” He asked casually.
“First off, I could ask you the same thing. Secondly, what’s the worst possibilities?” I asked my curiosity now piqued.
“I’m up, my dear brother because you kept mumbling to yourself how you couldn’t believe you had just done that and what a mistake it had been. Then I hear your body slam into the floor. Now at first I guessed that you were mindlessly sleep talking. Obviously my guess was wrong so, are you going to tell me what’s wrong or not.” He stated calmly.
So much for concealing that secret. I never felt the movement of words escaping my lips. Then again, they were numb due to Frank’s velvet soft ones pressing against them.
“I’ll get to my part…if you finish yours.” I said. He gave me a soft smile and rolled his eyes.
There was a brisk high-pitched beep followed by the fragrant smell of caffeine. Mikey gracefully got up and filled the mugs to the top with the steaming liquid. Quietly he added a small amount of sugar and cream and brought them over to the table. Gently, one mug slid across the table until it reached my hands. I greedily grabbed the mug and held it close to my lips. With a swift blow of air to cool it off a bit, the liquid filled my mouth. I let out a content sigh as the bittersweet taste ran down my throat and heated my whole body. The contrast between the air-conditioned bus and freshly brewed coffee was oddly pleasurable. I looked above the rim of my mug to see Mikey set his down satisfied.
“Simple…I just had the impression that you had either slept with Frank or was thinking about raping him.” He said smiling.
I choked on the coffee that had just entered my mouth and coughed nearly dropping my mug as the caffeine burned the sides of my throat. My hand reached my chest as I patted it with wide eyes. Okay that was a bit much and I definitely didn’t see that one coming.
“W-why in the world would you think that!” I sputtered still recovering from my near deadly experience.
“Honestly Gerard, it wouldn’t surprise anyone. You act as if all those kisses on stage and groping sessions don’t mean a thing to you.” He said with his tone raised slightly.
“That’s because it doesn’t Mikey. We’re an intimate band you know that. Those kisses are just our way of expressing it. They don’t mean anything.” I retorted in what I hoped was a convincing voice. I returned my eyes to the dark liquid that was swirling around in the mug between my hands. Mikey had hit a weak thread and I didn’t want to have to deal with this right now. If this is what he wanted me for then I preferred to continue and stare up and the ceiling.
“Okay fine, so the stage kisses mean nothing. But how about the one you two shared earlier?” he said mockingly.
He knew he caught my attention because as soon as those words passed through his lips my worked their way up to his face. Once more a knowing smirk on his face with his teeth slightly showing. My cheeks became warm rising with blush. At the same time, I was undeniably upset that Mikey or perhaps everyone else had been watching.
“Y-you s-saw that? I thought you guys had g-gone to bed.” Clearly I had been caught.
“Ah, so you two do have something.” He said with that smile never leaving his face.
“When are you going to get it through your thick headed skull that there is nothing between us! He means nothing to me in that sort of way. I love him Mikey, I do, but I’m not in love with him.” I said with the blush finally leaving my face.
“So what you were simply caught up in the moment!” We were arguing. That was apparent. I just couldn’t believe we were arguing about this.
“Yes Mikey okay. We were just talking and i-it just seemed like…”
“…what Gerard? It just seemed like the right thing to do. So it’s okay to mess with people and lead them over the edge. Its okay to put so much passion into something only to discover it’s merely a game.” Since when is it his place to get upset about it. It was my actions not his. Sure it was a problem seeing as we were now fighting over it. My problem now is trying to understand why he’s so upset over this particular topic.
“What the hell are you trying to say Mikey? Huh, I mean what do you want me to do seriously?” I asked with just as much anger in my voice.
“I don’t care what you do Gerard. You’re your own person; you’re old enough to make your own choices for crying aloud. Yes, you’re my brother and I’ll always love you but you need to understand why he came to you.”
“Why he what..?” I wanted so bad to understand Mikey’s reasoning behind this but the truth scared me.
“The pieces to the puzzle are out in the open Gee. Use what’s left of your brain for once and figure it out.” With that said, he downed the rest of his coffee stood up and looked at me briefly. “You’ve known the answer the whole time. You just seem to deny the truth.” That was the last I heard before I found myself laying on my back staring up at the ceiling once more with a cigarette hanging loosely from my fingertips. A cloud of white smoked danced around my head hauntingly as the poisoned stick intoxicated my lunges.
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