Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > You'll Go Out In Style
I don't know how long I layed there staring up at the stars. It reminded me slightly of being back home, but that moment was ruined. Everything was ruined.
After Felicia and I had our little "talk" I strayed away from her and the rest of the guys and found an open area between the buses and a park. At first I sat down and stared off into space before I layed on my back and began to look up at the stars.
As I layed there I thought about everything. Everything that was happening right now.
Josh loved me. Brendon loved me. Ryan loved me. Who was I to believe? What was I supposed to do with all this? I couldn't just have all of them, though it would be nice, but that was nonsense.
I had known Josh since I was thirteen. I trusted him more than I trusted anyone. He was like my brother, my best friend, but I had always felt more than that to him. Everytime he held me, it was like I was home again, safe. It was something familiar, the smell, his arms. It just made me happy.
Brendon and I had always had that physical relationship thing going on. His body was magnificent, and he thought mine was as well. But there was something deeper. He put all this trust in me and I took it with out a word or gratefullness. Just took it and I had the power to crush him if I wanted. He was so innocent. Such a good boy doing horrible things because he thought he wasn't living, thought that if he died everyone would be better off with out him. Everytime he said this it brought tears to my eyes. It had to mean something, I had to have cared about him to actually feel sadness from the thought of him not being here anymore. Him not holding me, kissing me. I had to have cared.
Then there was Ryan. I didn't know what that was between us. In the beginning it was a mutual attraction, now he's just obsessed, and I know I'm going to sound crazy for saying this, but I enjoy it. For some sick reason, I find a way to get pleasure from this. To feel happy that someone would wear my skin on their birthday cause they love me so much. He didn't seem that crazy, but he did follow me places.
I sighed deeply and looked to the side to see a pair of feet standing a yard away.
" You're gunna get grass stains on your clothes you know?" said the voice. He fell to the floor clumsily while pushing his hair out of his eyes.
" Ya, well that sucks doesn't it." I looked back up at the stars. I felt rather than saw him lay down next to me. " They remind me of back home. I miss it you know."
" Mhmm..ya I miss home too." he looked over at me and smiled, but I continued to stare up at the stars.
" So, the tour's almost over, just a couple more days and then we're back where we started eh?" I nodded my head more to myself than to him. I couldn't help but think what was going to happen between me Brendon, Ryan and Josh once all this was over. Would me and Josh get closer cause we're going back home together? Will Brendon come visit me and my family like he said he would? Would Ryan climb through my bedroom window to watch me sleep..
" Are you alone?" my head jerked back to look at him. What?
" Huh?" I asked.
" Cause I'm empty..." he raised himself on his elbows and turned towards me, his face inching closer.
" Oi! What's going on here?" Brendon popped into view, his hair wet from his shower, and his back-pack on the ground a couple feet away.
" We--I...we didn't do anything Bren-...I-" I sound like a complete idiot.
" No..I get what's going on..you don't have to explain." he picked up his bag swiftly and took off to his bus. I layed back down on the grass, my hands over my face.
" Arrghh! Everything just sucks. Kill me Josh, just slit my throat so I don't have to deal with this crap anymo-" and before I knew it his lips were on mine. I didn't want to enjoy it, but I couldn't help it. He smelled like he always did, of apple cinnamon. It reminded me of Christmas time at the Farros and how I wished I could go back to that time.
I melted into the kiss, my arms wrapping around his neck and his arms wrapping around my waist, but good things don't last forever.
We pulled away, each blushing madly.
" I still love you."
After Felicia and I had our little "talk" I strayed away from her and the rest of the guys and found an open area between the buses and a park. At first I sat down and stared off into space before I layed on my back and began to look up at the stars.
As I layed there I thought about everything. Everything that was happening right now.
Josh loved me. Brendon loved me. Ryan loved me. Who was I to believe? What was I supposed to do with all this? I couldn't just have all of them, though it would be nice, but that was nonsense.
I had known Josh since I was thirteen. I trusted him more than I trusted anyone. He was like my brother, my best friend, but I had always felt more than that to him. Everytime he held me, it was like I was home again, safe. It was something familiar, the smell, his arms. It just made me happy.
Brendon and I had always had that physical relationship thing going on. His body was magnificent, and he thought mine was as well. But there was something deeper. He put all this trust in me and I took it with out a word or gratefullness. Just took it and I had the power to crush him if I wanted. He was so innocent. Such a good boy doing horrible things because he thought he wasn't living, thought that if he died everyone would be better off with out him. Everytime he said this it brought tears to my eyes. It had to mean something, I had to have cared about him to actually feel sadness from the thought of him not being here anymore. Him not holding me, kissing me. I had to have cared.
Then there was Ryan. I didn't know what that was between us. In the beginning it was a mutual attraction, now he's just obsessed, and I know I'm going to sound crazy for saying this, but I enjoy it. For some sick reason, I find a way to get pleasure from this. To feel happy that someone would wear my skin on their birthday cause they love me so much. He didn't seem that crazy, but he did follow me places.
I sighed deeply and looked to the side to see a pair of feet standing a yard away.
" You're gunna get grass stains on your clothes you know?" said the voice. He fell to the floor clumsily while pushing his hair out of his eyes.
" Ya, well that sucks doesn't it." I looked back up at the stars. I felt rather than saw him lay down next to me. " They remind me of back home. I miss it you know."
" Mhmm..ya I miss home too." he looked over at me and smiled, but I continued to stare up at the stars.
" So, the tour's almost over, just a couple more days and then we're back where we started eh?" I nodded my head more to myself than to him. I couldn't help but think what was going to happen between me Brendon, Ryan and Josh once all this was over. Would me and Josh get closer cause we're going back home together? Will Brendon come visit me and my family like he said he would? Would Ryan climb through my bedroom window to watch me sleep..
" Are you alone?" my head jerked back to look at him. What?
" Huh?" I asked.
" Cause I'm empty..." he raised himself on his elbows and turned towards me, his face inching closer.
" Oi! What's going on here?" Brendon popped into view, his hair wet from his shower, and his back-pack on the ground a couple feet away.
" We--I...we didn't do anything Bren-...I-" I sound like a complete idiot.
" No..I get what's going on..you don't have to explain." he picked up his bag swiftly and took off to his bus. I layed back down on the grass, my hands over my face.
" Arrghh! Everything just sucks. Kill me Josh, just slit my throat so I don't have to deal with this crap anymo-" and before I knew it his lips were on mine. I didn't want to enjoy it, but I couldn't help it. He smelled like he always did, of apple cinnamon. It reminded me of Christmas time at the Farros and how I wished I could go back to that time.
I melted into the kiss, my arms wrapping around his neck and his arms wrapping around my waist, but good things don't last forever.
We pulled away, each blushing madly.
" I still love you."
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