...if you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, you can find out firsthand what it's like to be me. So gather around piggies, and kiss this goodbye. I'd encourage your smiles; I expect you won't cry...
The next hour passed in a blur.
I was a fucking ex-alcoholic; I could fall back into that addiction too easily and I knew it, but after what had happened and how I felt... I just didn't give a shit about anything anymore.
Drinking felt like the only solution to my problems right then.
So I got off the bed and went over to the minibar. I quickly leaned over and opened it and, not caring what the little bottles contained exactly, grabbed three of the clear ones.
I stood with my back to the wall and opened one of the bottles, taking a first sip.
Suddenly I was hit with terrible thoughts about what had just happened and what it meant.
I made him hate me... one of the people Icare about most in the world hates my fucking guts now... why did I do it?
/What am I? A fag or something?! /I had never felt anything for a guy in my life that wasn't friendship... and yet, there I was, thinking about why I had kissed my best friend and liked it.
Not only liked it... I wanted to do it again.
That's when I realized it. What I felt for Ray was friendship. What I felt for Bob was also friendship. But Frankie...
All those times that I'd go running over to his house just to see him; all those times that I'd get pissed and be grumpy if I hadn't seen him that day; how good it felt just to have him near me, see him smiling, his bright eyes...
I love him... more than anything in the world.
With this realization I slid to the floor with my back still against the wall and gave out a groan of frustration, before downing the rest of the first little bottle.
How could this have happened? Frankie will never feel what I feel for him... he likes girls... hell, I thought I liked girls too and here I am, thinking about-
/Oh shit! He's probably with Skank /right now!
I wanted to cry, scream and kill someone all at the same time. I couldn't bare think of him with someone else, not anymore.
They're probably fucking in her room as I'm here thinking about it...
I let out a short bitter laugh and opened the next bottle, taking a long drink from it and giving a shake with my head, feeling the liquid burn its way down my throat.
Finished with that bottle, and having my head still filled with sad and confused thoughts, I opened the next one.
Just as I was about to take a drink from the new bottle, someone knocked on the door. "Gee? Are you in there?"
"Go away!" I cried out and took a drink from the bottle, just as Mikey opened the door. He saw me slouched on the floor with empty bottles around me and one in my hand (one that I was trying to gulp down before he could take it away from me) and ran to me.
"Gee! What are you doing?! Aww, man, why did you do that?" He snatched the bottle I was holding and threw it across the room so I couldn't get it.
"Funny how everyone keeps asking me that today... I even asked myself that," I told him sarcastically, laughing, even though he didn't know what I was talking about. I was a bit buzzed from the drinks I had had.
"Gee, get up. Sit on the bed and tell me what happened."
"Just fuck off, Mikey!" I swatted away the hand he offered to help me up, and got up on my own, after almost falling down again. "I don't need you or anyone!"
He looked at me with a weird face, knowing who 'anyone' was. "Where is Frank?"
I offered a pathetically sad drunk smile,"Fucking his friend, perhaps? Who gives a shit, I mean, it's not like it matters. He's fucking his friend, and my new friends are... fucking me too!" I laughed, pointing to the empty bottles.
Then Mikey did something totally unexpected. He hugged me.
I was shocked at first, and tried to pull away. I didn't want anyone to touch me. I struggled and tried to push him away, getting pissed off and yelling around.
I suddenly stopped and started to cry. It felt like a dam I had inside broke, and all the trapped tears came crashing out.
We stood there, hugging, for what seemed like a long time. "...it's ok, it's ok..." he told me over and over, stroking my hair, trying to calm me down.
When I finally ran out of tears, we sat on Frank's bed.
"Can you tell me what happened? I could help."
I shook my head, "Nobody can help me. Iscrewed up. I pissed Frank off so badly... I made him yell at me! I mean really /yell/at me... I had never seen him like that, he freaked out; it scared me so bad, it made me feel like a piece of shit for doing that to him... to my /best friend/... I-"
"What did you do?" he asked, cutting me off; not mad, but worried.
I gave him a pathetic look. "I... I didn't mean to, but I just... I..." I couldn't say the words, but Mikey understood anyways.
"...kissed him," he stated, half smiling.
That was the third time that day that he had completely shocked me.
"What? I mean, how did you...? Did he tell you...?"
He shook his head. "Naw, I just guessed. Imean, I always knew it would happen, just didn't know when. But when I saw you and Frank this morning acting all weird, I thought you had finally realized what you feel and such..."
He continued talking but I just sat there, looking at him with my mouth open. "What do you mean you knew? Knew what?"
"That you love him. And not in the same way that you love me," he answered easily, giving me a smile.
"WHAT?! How could you know something that Ididn't know? Something I don't know, because this is all bullshit, Imean, come on...what are you talking about..."
I jabbered on a bit more but Mikey shut me up with a knowing smile.
"/You love him/. Admit it so we can move onto the next step."
"I - what? You're insane. I love him as afriend, and nothing mo-"
"You love him more than anything. You can't stand being away from him, you never could. You need him, you need his presence to feel safe and okay and /whole/. So just quit being a wuss and admit it already." He punched me in the arm playfully, but I was too caught up thinking about his words to care about it.
"You're right..." I answered softly after along time. "I realized it before but... saying it out loud is... different. Harder. I just wish it wasn't true..."
He grinned, putting an arm around my shoulders. "So, you kissed him, he freaked out, and ran away. Right? I don't need the dirty details."
I nodded and said, "So, wanna help me hang myself from that big tree out there? It's a nice place to end it all... that way Frank will be able to live his life without having to worry about fags like me and-"
"He loves you too," he stated matter-of-factly. Seeing my confused face, he repeated it. "Frank is in love with you too."
I actually laughed.
"If you had seen him... the way he reacted, you wouldn't think that. No way! Frank likes girls, that's why he's with Skank right now and I'm here-"
"I mean Sam..." He laughed at my name for her. "As I was saying... no way. You've got it all wrong. He loves me as a friend- well he did, I'm not sure about that right now."
"Gee, do you honestly think he doesn't love you back after the way he acted?"
"Erm, we're not on the same page here, what do you mean?"
"He wouldn't have freaked out and made abig deal about just a kiss if it didn't mean a whole lot to him. He's scared, but he loves you. He just won't admit it. Give him time. He had a lot of problems about this when he was younger; it's hard for him."
I looked at him questioningly. "What problems 'about this'?"
"I don't think I should tell you about it now, Gee. He will when the time is right. Just hold on, okay?"
"Thanks Mikey... even though I don't believe that load of shit about Frank being in lo... liking me. What would I do without you?" I was finally smiling again.
"Believe what you want, big brother. You'll find out soon enough! And without me... you'd be drunk and rolling around the floor right now." He was laughing but he turned to me with a serious look on his face, holding one of my shoulders. "It was really dumb of you to start drinking again. You know it's harder to quit when you start up again. You've been clean for a long time now, man, don't screw it up. Promise me you won't do it again."
He was looking at me so intently it was hard for me to look back. "Mikey, I..."
"Promise me you won't do it again," he repeated. "Next time you are pissed or sad or whatever, break everything in the fucking /room/, for all I care, but don't pick up another bottle. Promise?"
I gave him a weak smile and promised. He gave me a hug and stood up. I stood up too, but sat back down, starting to feel dizzy, still suffering from the side effects of my little bottled up friends.
"Let's go get you some coffee; it'll make you feel better." He stopped to pick up the empty bottles from the floor, dropping them in the garbage and then took out all of the remaining alcohol drinks from the minibar, taking them with him.
"Don't worry, I won't drink anymore! You don't need to take them with you..."
"I'll keep them in my room and then put them back tomorrow morning before we leave."
I rolled my eyes at him and opened the door for him since his hands were full. We stopped at his room, where he left the bottles, and then headed downstairs to get my cup of coffee and find the guys. Well, two of the guys, anyways.
Could Mikey be right? Could his reaction be proof that he really loves me too? No way... what a joke... only nobody was laughing.
A/N: Aww, this chapter was actually pretty sad, huh? Until Mikey shows up =)
While I was rereading this chapter and fixing mistakes, I was listening to music and 3 songs came on that really fit well with the chapter. The first was "We are broken" by Paramore, which made the first part of the chapter even harder to read. Then "Mama" by MCR came on... the "we all go to hell" part fit well with Gee tormenting himself. And as I was reading the part with Mikey telling Gee how much Frank loves him, "This is How I disappear" came on. Weird! Lol.
Anyways, thanks for reading. REVIEW and I'll love you for it =)
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