FicWad

The mirror was blurry.
Lily ran her hand across it, ignoring the pounding on the bathroom door.
There were other places to puke in this house...they could find somewhere else.
She rubbed off a smear of black eyeliner, staring at her reflection with dead eyes.
Her gaze wandered to the drink resting on the porcelain...the condensation collecting...ice cubes melting into tiny flecks of white.
She looked into her own eyes....into the blue...at the eyeliner that insisted on smearing at the corner of her eyelids.
So. Fucking. Ugly.
Fat. Stupid. Bitch.
You’re a mess.
NO wonder no one calls you.
She attempted to rub away the black once more, drawing ragged breaths that grew stronger with each intake, frustration building as thoughts whirled inside her head.
Failure. Your career is over. You have nothing left to gain. Once a junkie..always a junkie, right?
Lily let out a whimper before grabbing her drink and draining the glass.
She swallowed with closed eyes and shaking hands, placing the glass back on the sink; the rattle of crystal on porcelain bouncing off the walls.
Her hand went to her damp forehead, staring at her own reflection with a look of despair..urgency..vulnerability.
Quickly she tore out the clip from her hair, watching it spill past her shoulders in a brown blur.
She pressed her hand against the glass, against her reflection, wide eyed as if she were searching for something ,for someone, within the mirror.
She heard it all in her head...screaming.
Guitars and the roar of a crowd, her own voice floating across a sea of bodies.
She saw Bert’s smile...she heard his laugh.
She felt his arms..
She saw Gerard face above hers...his lips pressed against her own.
Standing in front of a tourbus...a bag of cheetos in her hand.
Fans off in the distance...
She saw her father’s face...in a hospital bed.
Did he call for her? Ask for her?
Oh Dad, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry
She glanced at the ink on her forearm.
A red heart with her father’s initials marked permanently on her skin...covering a small white scar..
A scar that had healed from months before...from that night alone in the bathroom...the steam from the shower filling the air. The disgust she felt upon seeing her own reflection. The purple Venus razor digging into her skin..the moisture-strip leaving a small indentation as red droplets fell onto the porcelain...
A knock sounded on the door again, the visions dissolving away...
The vodka hit her like a mattress.
A knock sounded once more.
Why. Won’t. They. Leave. Me. Alone?
She tore the door open, pushing past a crowd of bleach blonds and stumbling down the hallway.
Everyone was laughing.
Everything was spinning out of control..a gigantic blur.
I can’t do this. I..I need to leave
Her legs wobbled in the direction of the coat room, knocking into a very perturbed looking socialite, who complained about her spilled drink as Lily wandered away.
She thought she heard someone calling her name...
And suddenly..she couldn’t walk anymore.
Her heart was beating slowly as she opened her eyes.
She was standing with crumpled legs, clutching the corner of a wall.
The spinning seemed to cease momentarily..her brain seemed to click in recognition.
Her eyes came into focus, her heart beat faster.
A circle of people around a coffee table...three mirrors...rolled up dollar bills.
Powder.
White powder in neat rows.
Her mouth dropped open..her fingers twitched.
She stood up straight..staring blankly as her hand wandered to her nose..
’I’ve got just the thing for the shakes..’
Her fingers tapped the wall, her mouth became dry...
It all seemed so easy..
Too easy.
Would it be such a bad thing?
Just a little bit?
She rubbed her nose...
Suddenly her body was jerked backwards,
“LILY, What are you doing?!”
She stared at the hand on her arm as her eyes came into focus.
The fingers clasped around her looked familiar...a small, red heart tattooed upon a pinky...
Bert.
She stared up at him in silence, only to hear him ask her once more,
“WHAT are you DOING?”
She glanced back over her shoulder at the cocaine, only to have Bert pull her away, rather aggressively, into an adjoining room.
“Ow.” she murmured softly as he shut the door behind them, hand clutching her arm rather tightly.
“Let me see you.” he demanded, eyes wandering over her body,
“Did you do any?” he asked sternly, a hint of anger in his voice as he pressed his hand against her face and stared at her nostrils, ignoring Lily’s protests as he looked up her nose.
“ANSWER me. DID you DO any?” he demanded, hands on her shoulders.
“No.” she murmured.
“LILY, don’t fuckin’ lie to me, DID you snort ?” he asked forcefully, refusing to take his hands off her.
“NO!” she answered, tearing his hands off her arms.
“What the fuck were you doing over there? That’s not you, Lily. It’s not.” Bert lectured.
“It IS me Bert.” she corrected, sliding down to the floor,
“IT was me. And It still IS me.” she slurred, brushing her hair out of her face.
“It..made me...” she began slowly, staring at the floor,
“Who I am today.”
She looked up at him,
“The beautiful fuck-up.” she said with a laugh.
“That’s not fucking funny.” he said with a scowl, speaking over her snickering, “You shouldn’t even be around that shit. I know how you were-“
“Oh DO you?” Lily interjected, extending her legs out before her,
“DO you, Bert?” she asked with a slightly inebriated grin.
“Yes.” he confirmed, staring down at her austerely,
“What happened to you?” he began, before crossing his arms,
“You’re not the same.”
“/What/ happened to me?” Lily repeated, amused, tucking her hair behind her ear while staring up at the ceiling.
“YES, WHAT happened to YOU?” Bert echoed, frown on his face.
“Well, ROBERT, where do I begin?” she mocked,
“Do you want the long or short story?”
Bert shook his head in silence, prompting Lily to continue,
“I tried being a dancer, but I was too fat. So for a while I was anorexic. Isn’t that LOVELY?” she laughed,
“AND THEN I started snorting cocaine..and then I got...kind of addicted...” she explained while wringing her hands,
“And then I got clean..and..I met these GUYS...and we made this BAND..and then I met you and Gerard..and you guys...” she tapped her head, “FUCKED with my head a little bit...and THEN I got punched in the face,THAT sucked,” she said with a grin.
“Lily, come on..” Bert murmured, sinking to his knees.
“And THEN my..my DAD died. And then I realized I...I HATE myself...AND...”
Bert attempted to grab her hands, only to have her slap them away,
“And THEN I realized I’m a fucking JOKE, singing BULLSHIT songs about something that I’ve NEVER felt”
“Lily-“ Bert shook his head, trying to calm her.
“NO, YOU wanted me to tell you.” she interrupted,
“You know..” she laughed, “the only song where I REALLY know what I’m talking about..is the one about snorting cocaine.” she snickered,
“So..I guess...it really IS me, isn’t it.”
Bert shook his head,
“No it’s not-“
“Once a junkie, always a junkie, RIGHT?” she said a little too enthusiastically, an almost sinister grin on her face.
“NO, NO.” Bert reasoned, kneeling in front of her.
“Yes , YES , Bert.” she said with a smile,
“What do you think about me now? Don’t love me anymore, do you?” she laughed with a sigh, hand running across her nose.
“Lily.” Bert began,
“Stop it.” he said sternly, grabbing her shoulders.
“You stop TOUCHING me.” Lily defended, attempting to pluck his hands from her shoulders.
“Not until you STOP acting this way.” Bert reasoned.
“I TOLD you,” Lily began, “This is WHO I am.”
“No it’s not.” Bert repeated.
“Yes it is.” Lily laughed, sighing with eyes wide, turned towards the ceiling.
“I’m..I’m sorry this is...such a...DISAPPOINTMENT.” Lily whispered, eyebrows raised.
“Lily.” Bert began sternly,
“STOP living for WHO you WERE.”
His hands gripped her shoulders,
“STOP IT.”
Lily closed her eyes and shook her head as Bert continued,
“THIS.” he ran his fingers through her hair,
“IS NOT you.”
Lily opened her eyes as he continued,
“THIS,” he tugged at her dress, “IS NOT you.”
“The past, “ he began, “Is the past. It’s OVER. STOP, “ he emphasized sternly as she continued to shake her head, “Trying to HIDE who you are..and who you WERE.”
“For ONCE in your life, BE PROUD of what you’ve done. Of what you’ve OVERCOME. Take some fucking CREDIT FOR ONCE.”
Bert stood up,
“And real love doesn’t mean giving up on someone.”
Lily stared at the floor,
“Maybe you should take your own advice.” she mumbled.
“What does that mean?” Bert asked, eyebrow raised.
Lily looked up at him, pupils a bit smaller than before...breathing almost back to normal,
“Real love..doesn’t mean giving up on someone.” she repeated,
“Giving up on someone...ring any bells?” she asked, still crumpled slightly on the carpeted floor,
“ And..” Lily gestured with a wavering hand to her own hair,
“Don’t be a hypocrite.”
Bert laughed softly,
He rummaged through his pockets, and tossed a 10 dollar bill in her lap,
“Here’s the money for some hair dye. Now get out of here.” he finished, staring at the wall before him.
Lily stood up slowly.
“Why don’t you take your money..and make a phone call. Love means...never giving up on someone, right, Bert?” she whispered as she placed the money back in his hand.
Bert shook his head, a wry smile on his face,
“If you’re not gone in ten minutes, I’m calling your manager.” he said quietly, staring down at her blue eyes.
Lily nodded, looking back at him once more before walking out the door.
Bert watched her walk down the hallway...his eyes soft,
“I’ll never give up on you.” he whispered.
=====================

“Hello?”
The sun shined through the windows, illuminating the newly carpeted flat.
It shined over boxes... their contents laid out on the floor haphazardly.
The only furniture in the living room, a cushy blue couch, was striped with bits of sunlight.
The cotton curtains twisted and furled in the soft breeze that blew through an open window.
And Lily stood in the kitchen, a porcelain cookie jar shaped like a pig rested on the counter before her, staring at her with a cheery, naive visage.
“Oh yeah... I’m fine.” Lily replied, staring at the boxes around her as she spoke into the phone.
“Are you..sure?” Matt asked gently,
“How are...how are the sessions going?” he pried carefully.
Lily took a breath, running a finger over the kitchen counter,
“Uhm..they’re fine. It’s..good to talk to someone about it. I’m..” she paused,
“I’m on meds now.”
Matt whispered something under his breath,
“Oh Lily...I’m..I’m so sorry you’re sick.”
“Well,” he corrected, “You’re not sick but you know what I mean.” he stumbled,
“But...I’m glad you’re feeling better..believe it or not..I..” he paused,
“I actually care about you a lot” Matt admitted,
“You mean a lot to so many people. We just want you well.”
Lily smiled weakly,
“Thanks Matt...I’m..getting there.”
He took a breath and continued,
“Will said he’s taking a flight up there..a... house warming party?”
Lily laughed,
“I guess so...you’re more than welcome to come. I’ve got empty bedrooms...”
“I’m definitely coming. I wouldn’t miss it for anything.” Matt said softly.
Lily smiled,
“Oh and Lily...Brian Schecter wants you to call him. I tried to deal with him myself, but he wants to talk to you. You..have his number, don’t you?”
Lily furrowed an eyebrow,
“Yeah...yeah I have it...why...?”
Matt sighed,
“It’s about...” he cut off,
“Maybe it’s best that you call him.”
Lily sat on the couch 10 minutes later, pondering what Matt had said.
Why would Brian want to talk to her?
She scrolled through her phonebook and pressed the call button apprehensively.
“Hi..Brian? It’s..it’s Lily.”
“Hey Lily, so nice to hear from you. How are you feeling?”
Jesus Christ..did he know too?
“Oh fine..thanks. What’s...what’s up?” she asked weakly.
Had he found out about what had happened those months before..in that dressing room?
“Well..” he began,
“The guys are recording a new album up at the Paramore..and...” he paused,
“They’re having a hard time. And I was wondering..if”
Oh shit...
“If you could bring a little..sunshine into their lives. Just..you know...visit for a day or something. Bring those cupcakes you used to make. Ray was talking about those the other day..”
Lily raised an eyebrow,
“You want me..to come see them?” She repeated.
“Yeah...just for a day or so...just...cheer them up. They all miss you.”
Lily stared at a spiral notebook on the floor, the word “SONGS” scrawled across it in permanent marker.
How could SHE cheer anyone up?
She had a hard enough time cheering herself up.
“Uh...” she wondered aloud, fingers running through her blond hair absentmindedly.
“Tell you what..” Brian began,
“Reprise will pay for your flight..and hotel. Just..they could really use you.”
They?
Lily exhaled,
“Brian, I don’t know...” she hesitated.
“Gerard’s really depressed.” Brian blurted.
“And...and it’s getting to the point where he doesn’t want to get up anymore.”
Lily’s heart stopped.
“He...he told me he wanted to walk into the pool..and stay at the bottom. And...” Brian cut off, lowering his voice,
“We know you guys have something. We’ve known this for years.”
Lily shrugged silently.
“And it would really cheer him up. And it might do you some good as well.”
“I don’t know, Brian.” Lily repeated.
“He..he needs you.” he reasoned, “I’m not asking you to..fall in love with him. Or pity him..or anything. Just..be his friend. Like you used to be.”
Used to be.
Before he punched me in the face and ravaged me in a dressing room.
Lily sighed,
“Ok..fine. I’ll..” she stared at her forearm, “I’ll do it.”
Funny...the broken taking care of the broken.
But how would she do it?
And more importantly..would she come out of it worse than before..or was it just what she needed?