A/N: I own none of this. Honest. Nope, not me.
Harry Potter and the Trademark Dispute.
Chapter 3 - The League
Riddle had finally resolved his labour problems, his Death Eaters were ready to lay waste to Wizarding Britain (at 24 Galleons an hour.) when the door to his throne room suddenly burst open. A man wearing armour and a green cloak strode in as if he ruled the world.
"How dare you enter my presence unbidden? Crucio!" the spell arced its way across the room to the armoured man, who never broke step on his way to the throne.
"Doom dares anything he desires"thundered the Armoured man. I am looking for the insignificant minor magician Tom Riddle."
"I am Lord Voldemort!" he put his wand into the Armoured man's face. The wand was snatched away. Doom examined the wand, waving a diagnostic tool over it's length.
"Interesting minor magic technology." A panel opened on his gauntlet, and he put the wand into it. Alight flashed and the wand was ejected. He pointed his finger at Riddle and intoned 'crucio'. The spell impacted on Riddle before he could move and he fell screaming. "Interesting, but not terribly useful. He extended his other hand and a force bolt shot out impacting on the wall of Riddle's throne room. The resulting explosion destroyed the entire wall and much of the house behind it. That is power weakling."
"I am Doom. Chairman of the Technomage Division of the Guild of Evil Overlords, Criminal Masterminds and Malevolent Sorcerers. You and your minor powers have been found wanting. You are not deserving of the title 'Dark Lord' of the Technomage Division of the Guild of Evil Overlords, Criminal Masterminds and Malevolent Sorcerers. You have Four reviews remaining, the Mage Division, The Science Division, The Criminal Division, and the Division of Conquest. Should you fail to qualify for the title you have taken for yourself in any of those divisions, we will take appropriate action.
"You will sue me?"
"Silly magician, we will kill you."
"What have you learned of this'Guild?"
"A most dangerous organization My Lord. Its membership is made up of rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists." Bellatrix looked up from her notes, a bit frightened. It might be best to avoid annoying them."
"Potter. It had to be Potter who set them on me. Fine, two can play at that game. Bellatrix, contact our best forgery expert. Harry Potter is going to apply to the League of Heroes!" Maniacal laughter rang through out his stronghold.
Harry and Hermione were spending awarm Saturday afternoon busy with another strategy conference, under a tree by the lake, with a couple bottles of butterbeer by their side.
"Hey guys, what you doing? Wrestling?"
"Yes Ron, Harry and I are wrestling."Said Hermione sitting up. "Unfortunately it's tag team and you don't have apartner, so you can't play. Here." She dug into her book bag. "Some string!"
"OOOHH String! I love string!" Ron ran off to show others his new 'friend'.
"You know, it's amazing he can even play chess."
"That was mean Hermione. You know that string won't distract him for more than an hour."
"No problem, I've also got some aluminum foil. You know how he likes shiny things. Come here you." She took his hand, which was resting on her knee and raised it under her skirt until it was in a very happy place indeed. "Going commando today." She said in athroaty voice.
"Whoa" said Harry, not quite believing his luck. "You are the best girl friend EVER."
"I thought I was best girlfriend in the world."
"It's a promotion, covering all times and all universes." He pulled his father's invisibility cloak from his book bag and threw it over them.
At dinner in the Great Hall, Harry had just started in on his favorite dessert when the doors flew off their hinges; the doors were immediately followed by a very tall muscular man in a blue body suit. The man in the blue body suit was followed closely by a much smaller man in a white body suit.
"It might not be about you Harry."
"I don't think either of us believe that Hermione. It's always about me."
"Brsiuk, uldiulld prit 'efmionme!" said Ron helpfully.
The blue man strode to stand in front of Headmaster Dumbledore, and said in an extremely loud voice "Greeting kind Ancient. I seek the great Hero Hairy Potter."
"And who might you be?"
The large blue man looked at the headmaster unbelievingly. "I am.... THE TICK!"
"As in the blood sucking arachnid?"
"No, as in the Big Blue Bug of Justice!"
"And what would the Big Blue Bug of Justice need with Harry Potter?"
"I'm sorry king Ancient, but the recruitment policies of the League of Heroes are Top Secret!"
"Ah Tick... " said the smaller Man in white, "I think the fact we are here representing the League is also Secret."
"Right you are Arthur, Right you are."
Harry stood. Might as well get this over with. "I'm Harry Potter."
The big blue man strode over. "Hail and well met young fellow! As you no doubt heard, I am... The Tick."
"Yeah, I'm Harry, this is Hermione, that's Ron."
"Well done young Hero, already you have Sidekicks!"
Hermione and Ron looked around to see who he was talking about.
Anyway young Hairy, I am her to perform your first interview for membership into the League Of Heroes!"
"I don't want to join any League of Heroes."
"Ah, it is refreshing to meet aYoung hero with such modesty. Come now Young Hairy, I need to see your BattleForm."
"The Form you take when you remove your clever disguise." Harry looked perplexed. "Your glasses" the large blue lunatic stage whispered.
"Without my glasses I take the form of a bloke who can't see his hand in front of his face."
"Well then, what is your BattleCry? Mine is SPOON!" the lunatic said confidentially.
"uh, Go Away, Leave Me Alone!?"
"That's not much of a BattleCry."
"I'm not much of a fighter."
The lunatic started to look desperate. "At least let me see your costume. He grasped the front of Harry's robes and tore them open, shirt and all displaying for all to see his bare well muscled though hairless chest, and the hickey on his left shoulder, a memento of that day's strategy session with Hermione. Both Harry and Hermione blushed, several girls started drooling.
"Why, you aren't Hairy at all."
"I think I see the problem. His name is Harry, as in H-A-R-R-Y, not H-A-I-R-Y. He's a student, not asuperhero." Spoke Arthur for the first time.
"A Hero named Harry? Not possible." The Tick looked horrified. "You're not a Hero, You're a Sidekick! You can't get membership in the League as a Sidekick."
"I don't want membership in your league."
"It's too late for that, you're rejected."
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