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A/N: I own none of this. Honest. Nope, not me.

A/N2:No one comment on the Blazing Saddles riff?

Harry Potter and the Trademark Dispute.

Chapter 4 - The Problems with Conquest

The lunatic started to look desperate. "At least let me see your costume. He grasped the front of Harry's robes and tore them open, shirt and all displaying for all to see his bare well muscled though hairless chest, and the hickey on his left shoulder, a memento of that day's strategy session with Hermione. Both Harry and Hermione blushed, several girls started drooling.

"Why, you aren't Hairy at all."

"I think I see the problem. His name is Harry, as in H-A-R-R-Y, not H-A-I-R-Y. He's a student, not a superhero." Spoke Arthur for the first time.

"A Hero named Harry? Not possible." The Tick looked horrified. "You're not aHero, You're a Sidekick! You can't get membership in the League as a Sidekick."

"I don't want membership in your league."

"It's too late for that, you're rejected."

"Good."

"Fine!"

---ooo000ooo---

"And then the Big Blue Muggle takes hold of Potter's robes and tore them open, shirt and all displaying for all to see his bare chest, saying "Let me see your costume" but all that's there is the hickey he probably got from his Mudblood."Draco was rolling around on the floor laughing.

"Then what happened?" asked his Dark Lord, really getting into the story.

"The Big Blue Muggle says 'Why, you aren't Hairy at all.' It turns out he though Potter was a Muggle superhero named Hairy like hair." The leader of the Jr. Death Eaters Of Britain chapter at Hogwarts wipe the tears from his eyes."He was rejected for membership in the League due to being a 'sidekick'."

Riddle steepled his fingers. "Excellent. I love it when a plan comes together!"

Laughter flooded among the assembled Death Eaters. Cheers of "Well Done My Lord", "You showed Potter", and "You showed that 17 year old who's boss!"rippled throughout the chamber.

Then the doors and windows blew in.

---ooo000ooo---

"COBRA!!!!" was the cry from the hordes of men in blue uniforms, blue helmets, and red face scarves who burst into the room firing all types of automatic weaponry. The assembled Death Eaters stopped laughing at the Dark Lord's humiliation of Harry Potter and started to die.

When the gunfire ended the a scant 9 minions remained, they were lined up against a wall. A tall man dressed all in black wearing a silver full head mask strode into the chamber.

"What kind of conquering army was that supposed to be? You had no sentries, you had only a few perimeter sensors that my techs took down in seconds, and your men were completely unprepared for an attack. Pathetic.

The man in the mask leaned forward to look Riddle directly in the eye. "I am the Destro, Chairman of the Division of Conquest. Your application for Dark Lord status in my division is denied. You have 3 chances left."

"Cruc...." There was the sound of a beating off to Riddle's left. He slowly turned his head away from the masked man, there was Bellatrix being savagely beaten by a tall raven haired woman in a black leather uniform, stiletto heels and glasses.

Bellatrix lay bleeding on the floor unconscious. "This amateur attempted to attack you with her stick Destro."

"Was she as little challenge as it appeared my dear Baroness?"

"I've had more of a fight from putting my nieces to bed."

The masked man fixed Riddle with his thousand Meter stare again. "Pathetic!"

---ooo000ooo---

"How did you get rid of Ron?"

Harry pulled his face away from Hermione's "He needed to take a whiz, I told him all the cool kids pee in the corner up on top of the Astronomy Tower."

The round Astronomy tower? Harry he could starve to death."

"I'll bet him when we're done here. Do you ever wonder just how long the Purebloods have been inbreeding?"

"Less Talk, More Strategy!"

"Is this why they call you the Head Girl?"

She looked down into his green eyes and ran her fingers through his hair."You bet your ass"

---ooo000ooo---