A/N: I own none of this. Honest. Nope, not me.
Harry Potter and the Trademark Dispute.
Chapter 6 - The Magician
When the gunfire ended the a scant 9 minions remained, they were lined up against a wall. A tall man dressed all in black wearing a silver full head mask strode into the chamber.
"What kind of conquering army was that supposed to be? You had no sentries, you had only a few perimeter sensors that my techs took down in seconds, and your men were completely unprepared for an attack. Pathetic.
The man in the mask leaned forward to look Riddle directly in the eye. "I am the Destro, Chairman of the Division of Conquest. Your application for Dark Lord status in my division is denied. You have 3 chances left."
"Cruc...." There was the sound of abeating off to Riddle's left. He slowly turned his head away from the masked man, there was Bellatrix being savagely beaten by a tall raven haired woman in a black leather uniform, stiletto heels and glasses.
Bellatrix lay bleeding on the floor unconscious. "This amateur attempted to attack you with her stick Destro."
"Was she as little challenge as it appeared my dear Baroness?"
"I've had more of a fight from putting my nieces to bed."
The masked man fixed Riddle with his thousand Meter stare again. "Pathetic!"
Hermione's rules were strict, but fair. Three hour of homework entitled one to one hour of Strategy Sessions. All he had to do was another foot of his charms homework, then 18 inches on the inadvisability of transfiguring basset hounds into wolverines and he was done. Unfortunately Ron had misunderstood the assignment and HAD transfigured abasset hound into a wolverine. Fortunately Harry had seen him do it, so he had plenty of material for the assignment. Unfortunately Ron was in the Hospital wing having major portions of his anatomy reattached. Fortunately that meant that he and Hermione wouldn't need to distract the doofus during their Strategy Session.
"Ah Mr. Potter."
"Can't talk, doing homework."
"Your dedication to your school work is to your credit Mr. Potter, but you seem to have another visitor from the League of Heroes. Might I introduce Miss Zantanna?"
"Not interested. Not a hero. Doing Homework." He dug into the transfiguration homework.
"Oh come on Harry, surely we could find SOMETHING to talk about."
He looked over and saw a pair of very nice feet in stiletto heels. The feet became legs. Very long well toned legs in fishnet stockings, which went all the way up to... her body suit cut like a swim suit, but looking like a tuxedo, complete with long sleeve shirt, bow tie and cufflinks. The shirt covers a most impressive set of ... lungs. Atop her raven hair was a top hat.
"Homina, Homina" said Harry intelligently.
"Could I help you?" Hermione asked placing herself between the visitor and her addled boyfriend.
"I'll leave you three to it then"said Dumbledore retreating to his office to watch the fun.
"I'm here to offer Harry membership in the League of Heroes."
"I believe Harry was quite clear when he told your large blue associate 'No'."
"The Tick is a special case, he's really not right. We at the membership committee wanted to make sure Harry knew that he wasn't representative of the League."
"You dress like that in Scotland in October and HE'S not right?"
"If you've got it, flaunt it."
"If you've got it, you don't need to flaunt it."
The two women were giving each other death glares when Draco Malfoy, recently healed from the last chapter, walked by.
"Hey Scarhead! Aren't you getting enough from the Mudblood, you've got to hire a hooker?"
Zantanna looked to Hermione. "Scarhead?"
"Harry on account of the curse scar on his forehead. Malfoy's idea of being witty."
"That would be me, because my parents weren't magical, that means I have umpure blood."
"And the hooker?"
"That would be you. I'm guessing on account of how you are dressed."
"I'm a respected stage magician!"
"I'm sure you are."
"That little punk!." She gestured."Ereh emoc yoflaM!"
Malfoy found himself levitated and propelled back to the woman in the fishnets
"Any chance you're going to apologize?"
"Let me go you stupid bint! My Father will hear of this!"
"I didn't think so." She sighed. "Yeknom redips dedrater a emoceb!"
Malfoy shrank down to become aspider monkey. As soon as he was released he ran face first into the tree trunk when attempting to climb it.
"You did that all wrong."
Zantanna turned to the bushy haired girl. "What do you mean by that? That's some first class transformation."
"Oh please. Your gestures were excessive and imprecise; you didn't do the incantation properly. You only spoke the words backwards, forcing yourself to use far more power than absolutely necessary, and you changed him into a spider monkey when everyone knows his transformation meme is a ferret. Watch and Learn." She drew her wand. "Accio Snape!"
The potions professor had been in the shower, then found himself flying through the air stopping infront of the mudblood Granger and a Muggle woman dressed like a whore. "What is the meaning of this? Five Billion Points from Gryffindo..."
Before he finished, Hermione waved her wand and Snape was transfigured into a large greasy bat.
"See? Proper gestures, proper incantation, minimal energy useage and he's transformed into his proper meme. You only get work because you dress like that don't you? It demeans us all."
"Why you little..."
"Ladies, Ladies." Said Harry, suddenly with the best idea of his life. "Why don't we retire to a quiet place and get out of these uncomfortable clothes and have this discussion like reasonable adults? I happen to know a room in the castle with a large vat of chocolate pudding..."
Three hours later:
"So you see Harry, the League NEEDs magic users. We used to have lots of them, but they've all either become 'Sorcerers Supreme, or the Hands of God, or other things like that and don't have time to deal with the magical needs of the common man." Said Zantanna wringing the pudding out of her hair.
"Mmmm Chocolate." Said Harry licking it out of Hermione's navel. "Don't care. I'm a lover not a fighter. Don't want to join the League."
"That's kind of selfish isn't it?"
"Yep, what's your point?" He spotted some pudding in Zantanna's navel. He pointed to it. "You gonna eat that?"
"No, go ahead. WHOA!" She looked over to the pudding covered Hermione. "He like this all the time?"
Zantanna shuddered. "You must be the second luckiest woman I know."
"Second? Who's first?"
"Sue Richards. The guy she's married to can lick the small of his own back."
"Oh, so that's why they call him Mr. Fantastic."
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