A/N: I own none of this. Honest. Nope, not me.
Harry Potter and the Trademark Dispute.
Chapter 7 - The Dark Mage
"Mmmm Chocolate." Said Harry licking it out of Hermione's navel. "Don't care. I'm a lover not a fighter. Don't want to join the League."
"That's kind of selfish isn't it?"
"Yep, what's your point?" He spotted some pudding in Zantanna's navel. He pointed to it. "You gonna eat that?"
"No, go ahead. WHOA!" She looked over to the pudding covered Hermione. "He like this all the time?"
Zantanna shuddered. "You must be the second luckiest woman I know."
"Second? Who's first?"
"Sue Richards. The guy she's married to can lick the small of his own back."
"Oh, so that's why they call him Mr. Fantastic."
Tom Riddle has an unhappy Evil Wizard. That damned Potter kid had really done it this time. He was actively thinking about going out and collecting his horocruxes and just calling the whole thing off. He had eleven Death Eaters left, and only 6 of them could cast an unforgivable without hurting themselves. Maybe if he'd selected for intelligence rather than blood status...
There was a small pop and a cloud of smoke and a man in a blue burnoose was standing in front of him.
"Are you Tom Riddle?"
"I am Felix Faust, Master Mage of the Magic Division." The man gestured and a chair far fancier and more comfortable than Riddle's throne appear. "The Interview starts now. Impress me."
"uh Crucio!" Nameless minion #8 fell to the ground screaming.
"Pedestran." Said Faust.
Just then aspidermonkey fell from the rafters. It landed on its head. After a few seconds it shook it's head and discovered a banana, which it skinned and then attempted to insert in it's ear.
"What's this?" asked Faust, scooping the tiny beast up. "An adequate transformation. It's natural meme is Ferret, but making a retarded spider monkey out of it isn't bad. Hmm, the incantation was just wrong, apparently the gestures were imprecise and abit excessive. This tranformation only worked because the caster forced quite a bit of energy into it. Who did this?" Then a bat swooped down and fluttered in front of Riddle, Faust snagged it out of the air. "Now THIS is more like it. Proper gestures, proper incantation, minimal energy usage and he's transformed into his proper meme, though I'm wondering where the grease comes from. THIS is the work of a potential Dark Lord. Who did this one?"
"I did"said Riddle in a quiet voice.
"Lying? To the Guild? An interesting Career choice. Well Riddle since you obviously have little talent beyond doing harm to your own minions, I guess I could offer you an unpaid position as a Dark Intern, assuming of course you survive the punishment for violating our Trademarks..."
"Wonderful. Thank you."
"You and your damned pudding. Three showers and I'm still sticky in very odd places."
Harry suddenly perked up and paid much closer attention. "What places?"
"I said never mind. No more pudding."
"Where's Ron anyway?"
"Still in the Medical Wing, Poppy's not done reattaching his left butt cheek."
"Yeah, that was one pissed off Basset Hound." She got an odd look. "Harry meet me in the Room of Requirements in an hour."
"In an hour."
"Come in Harry."
He entered the room of requirements and looked around for her. A roaring fire in the hearth, a plush leather sofa, and reclining on it, was Hermione. Hermione. His mind went off line for a moment.
He regained cerebral function after a few moments and rushed to her scooping her up in his arms.
Hermione. In a Zantanna costume. Wow.
"Best! Girlfriend! Ever!"
She giggled and waved her wand. The body suit disappeared, leaving the fishnets and the hat, She reached up to doff the hat, he stopped her.
"The Hat Stays!" he growled.
She kept giggling... Until she started screaming.
Thank Merlin for Silencing charms.
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