FicWad

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In POV of my own character. ‘You’ is Gerard. Enjoy! =S
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I didn’t realise it was blood I’d been coughing up until you leaned in to kiss me goodbye and when you sat back again your perfect lips were stained red. I realised then why you’d been so scared for me these past few hours. You had known all along you were going to loose me tonight.
I wish people would stop stroking my hair and wiping my mouth. I feel like an old woman being dithered over on her death bed. I’m not old. I refuse to believe that I am dying.
The pain in unbearable now but I force myself to keep my eyes open and keep the waves of pain at bay because I love you. That’s it really, all that’s keeping me conscious. I love you and I don’t want to waste the last hours we have together asleep. I think I have to admit that now. That I’m dying. Because I don’t want to die ignorant or stubborn. I want to die at peace.
Coughs rack my body and when I look down blood stains my hands and the bright white bed sheets. More stroking and wiping and ‘shh… it’s Ok’s. It’s not going to be Ok though. I’m leaving you. I’m leaving you to walk through this world alone and as much as you say that you don’t mind, that you’ll be strong, I don’t believe you. I can see the pain and the fear in your eyes. You’re scared for me; for the unknown that is awaiting me, but you’re scared for yourself too. It’s been us two for so many years, what will you do without me?
I reach out and take your hand in mine weakly. You look at me with tears in your already bloodshot eyes.
“It wasn’t mean to be like this.” You whisper and I close my eyes against the wreckage I can see in front of me. I need you to be strong. You need me to be alive. “I should have saved you.” You continue and I keep my eyes tight shut against the despair that I know will be etched into your every facial feature. “I saved all those people, people I’ve never even met, but I couldn’t save you. I couldn’t save you.” You sob into our clasped hands and I open my eyes. “Look at me.” My voice is nothing more than a whisper, like the breath of the wind against your ear but you look up straight away. “It’s not your fault. You can’t save anyone, and no one could save me. Not anyone. You loved me. That’s all I need to know.”
We embrace then and stay that way for what feels like years but could only have been a couple of minutes. I cling to you like the life that is fading from me every passing second. You hold me like a raft that has so far stopped you from drowning but is slowly slipping from your grasp.
“Mikey will look after you, and the others, they wont let you drown. They won’t let you fall. Don’t follow me. You need to save those kids. Promise me.” I say making myself as stern as possible.
“I promise. I promise. Don’t leave me? You promised me you never leave me. You said as long as I need you you’ll be here. I need you now, but you’re leaving me anyway. I love you. I need you…”
I could have said something about always living on in his heart but the deep emotional and physical pain suddenly overwhelming my body only allowed me to choke out “I’m sorry,” before it all went black.
When I open my eyes again I’m propped up on some pillows having my hair smoothed out. I try to move from under their fussing hands but I’m too weak. I try to make out who it is but my vision’s blurred and I’m too tired to focus properly. I want to go to sleep forever and never wake up.
“This is the control to the morphine.” A kind voice is explaining, I guess it must be the nurse. “If the pain is too bad press this button.” She moves my thumb so it rests over the control. “We’ll all miss you.” Are her last, slightly choked, words before she leaves.
I know right then in that moment that I’m about to die. Did you know that more cancer sufferers die of a virus, of a cold , than of cancer itself? Their immune systems just can’t fight it after al the therapy. And those who do make it to the end normally die from a painkiller overdose. They put the control in your hand and you dose yourself to death. That’s what’s going to happen to me.
I’m going to die.
“Gerard?” I breathe. My voice is less than a whisper. It’s the voice of angels carried on the wind and the shadows of laughter carried across oceans.
“I love you.” I say, tears coming to my eyes. “Find a nice girl and settle down yeah? Have a family and a- a life. With out me.” Tears stream down my face uncontrollably and even if I could stop them I don’t think I would. I feel you wipe them away with you thumb and I cherish the feeling of your skin brushing against mine.
“I’ll,” You swallow and I can tell you’re crying too, or on the verge of it, “I’ll try. But I’ll never stop loving you. I’ll never love anyone more than you. I’ll never live my life without you in it. You’ll always be with me.”
“Don’t, don’t forget me.”
“I won’t. I promise to you that I won’t.”
“I think I’m going now.” I say as calmly as possible. I’d been hitting the morphine button through our exchange every time the pain had threatened to engulf me. I feel calm now, at peace.
“I will always love you.” I tell him from the bottom of my heart.
“Don’t leave me. I love you. Please? I love you. Please. Please, I need you here to love me. Please? Please? I need you.”
“True love is immortal.” I smile then fall back into the empty space where life had been just seconds before.