Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > the fact of the matter it that is just a matter of time
Chapter 35
I can’t put into words my desperation.
Ever since Elena died Gerard was not the same. In fact, Gerard was simply not Gerard: he had this constant vacant look in his eyes, his skin was paler, he was way thinner for his own good, he drank massive amounts of booze and coffee, he smoke up to five packs of cigarettes a day, on his free time he swallowed pills as crazy and as if this wasn’t enough, in that profound stupor, he found time to cut himself.
I can’t say I haven’t tried to shut all of that shit away from him. I kept him as far as possible from alcohol; I’ve been sober for almost /five motherfucking months/! I have stopped smoking too, and I don’t let him buy cigarettes…If I find them on his car or room I tear them apart and throw water on them so he can’t use them….I drain his pills down the toilet, I spring clean his room every two days to see if I find anything he can hurt himself with. Donna and I, we don’t rest trying to save him. But he doesn’t pay attention, he doesn’t give a shit anymore…
I think I’m starting to look like him, too…I’m so tired…I can’t sleep well, and when I do I have terrible nightmares. Dad and Grand are starting to hate Gerard, they say he’s draining my energy, everything about him. But I can’t just leave him…Mikey and the others have tried talking to him also, but he gets all grumpy and shit and they’ve given up. They try their best to keep him away from it all but its impossible…
I don’t know how much I can handle before I break…Plus, I haven’t been feeling too well lately. Apart from insomnia, that is. I keep feeling weak and dizzy…I think it’s because I’ve lost so much weight…only I think I’m a bit fatter than before…
What’s wrong with me?
Why did everything went down the drain?
I knew all along we weren’t stable, but I didn’t think we were so….easily destructed. Don’t get me wrong, Elena’s death bumped me, too. I still mourn her, I visit her on the cemetery more than anyone else, but I think that’s because I have an abnormal attraction for them. Sometimes I just wanted to just stay there forever and get drunk and forget about everything.
But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t live without Gerard, he was my everything…
We were a few months away from graduation, Frank had already ditched school at the beginning of this year and he was two years below us. He said he didn’t need it, all he needed was his music and I couldn’t disagree more but I had too many problems of my own to deal with his. Kamz had disappeared from the face of Earth, oh and Frank had started dating this Jamia chick who I hadn’t even met. Alicia was at Mikey’s not so fragile side almost twenty-four/seven.
…
I stopped analyzing what my life had been for the past months and as I heard Gerard’s car’s horn. I ran downstairs and out the door, towards the car. I stopped a few feet away from him as I noticed his even gloomier expression; he didn’t even try to deny it as he usually did when he was around me.
“What’s wrong Gee?” I asked, unable to touch him until he removed the scarily aggravated expression off his features.
“Look, this isn’t working anymore…” He trailed off, not looking at me, but straight ahead. I felt the blood leaving my face, I felt my pulse accelerate, I thought I was going to fall anytime now but instead I gripped the door tighter and tried to compose myself. He wasn’t about to say what I thought he was going to say. He couldn’t possibly waste away almost a year together this easily…
He couldn’t.
He simply couldn’t.
He waited for me to answer in some way. Realizing I wouldn’t he forced himself to look at me. His stare was so cold and empty it broke me apart more than his words. My insides felt like broken glass. I was afraid that if I moved I would cut everything else. But does everything else inside me matter when my heart is so terribly broken?
“I don’t feel this is right anymore. Goodbye Gabe”
I stood there in shock as the car’s engine roared to life.
“Is that really all I get?” I almost yelled.
“What?” He asked, arching an eyebrow.
“The only thing I get from you is ‘/this doesn’t feel right anymore/’? Are you fucking kidding me?!” this time I yelled at the top of my lungs.
“Don’t go Drama Queen on me, okay? You know how I hate that” He said in an annoyed calm tone.
“DRAMA QUEEN?!” I threw my hands in the air. He shook his head and started leaving the driveway.
“YOU’RE AN EGOCENTRIC BASTARD! FUCK OFF!” I screamed at the car as it disappeared into the distance. I dropped to my knees, the gravel hurting my knees, breaking my skin apart.
“…/rot in hell you idiotic piece of shit/…” I cried angrily with what was left of my voice.
“Gabe, what’s wrong?” Grandpa asked from the front door. I heard as he started moving towards me but I put my hands in the air signalling him to stop and got off the gravel and the danger of being run over by the next car that came over it.
“Did Gerard do something to you?” He asked furiously.
“He broke up with me” I said in a thin voice. I was sure Grandpa didn’t know whether to be mad as fuck with him to dump me or fucking ecstatic for me to be free of him.
Graduation’s supposed to be one of those one-time experiences you must cherish with all your heart.
I didn’t.
I just wanted it to be over with.
Graduation was my ticket out.
Out of this motherfucking town and the memories it held, out of the sympathetic stares of the people I loved, out of my past love’s way, out of tragedy and drama.
OutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOut
Oh my goddd! My currently favorite fic (my favorite fic ever is Saint Lily in the My Chem section) just updated and Ophie said “just imagine them as llamas” I Bursa out laughing. I’m sure a certain someone laughed about it too. Oh yeah, read that fic. It’s amazing. AND Saint Lily. I LOOVEEEE Lily. I’m obsessed.
prolly some typhos. sorry. I just skimmed through.
Reviews make me update faster.
I can’t put into words my desperation.
Ever since Elena died Gerard was not the same. In fact, Gerard was simply not Gerard: he had this constant vacant look in his eyes, his skin was paler, he was way thinner for his own good, he drank massive amounts of booze and coffee, he smoke up to five packs of cigarettes a day, on his free time he swallowed pills as crazy and as if this wasn’t enough, in that profound stupor, he found time to cut himself.
I can’t say I haven’t tried to shut all of that shit away from him. I kept him as far as possible from alcohol; I’ve been sober for almost /five motherfucking months/! I have stopped smoking too, and I don’t let him buy cigarettes…If I find them on his car or room I tear them apart and throw water on them so he can’t use them….I drain his pills down the toilet, I spring clean his room every two days to see if I find anything he can hurt himself with. Donna and I, we don’t rest trying to save him. But he doesn’t pay attention, he doesn’t give a shit anymore…
I think I’m starting to look like him, too…I’m so tired…I can’t sleep well, and when I do I have terrible nightmares. Dad and Grand are starting to hate Gerard, they say he’s draining my energy, everything about him. But I can’t just leave him…Mikey and the others have tried talking to him also, but he gets all grumpy and shit and they’ve given up. They try their best to keep him away from it all but its impossible…
I don’t know how much I can handle before I break…Plus, I haven’t been feeling too well lately. Apart from insomnia, that is. I keep feeling weak and dizzy…I think it’s because I’ve lost so much weight…only I think I’m a bit fatter than before…
What’s wrong with me?
Why did everything went down the drain?
I knew all along we weren’t stable, but I didn’t think we were so….easily destructed. Don’t get me wrong, Elena’s death bumped me, too. I still mourn her, I visit her on the cemetery more than anyone else, but I think that’s because I have an abnormal attraction for them. Sometimes I just wanted to just stay there forever and get drunk and forget about everything.
But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t live without Gerard, he was my everything…
We were a few months away from graduation, Frank had already ditched school at the beginning of this year and he was two years below us. He said he didn’t need it, all he needed was his music and I couldn’t disagree more but I had too many problems of my own to deal with his. Kamz had disappeared from the face of Earth, oh and Frank had started dating this Jamia chick who I hadn’t even met. Alicia was at Mikey’s not so fragile side almost twenty-four/seven.
…
I stopped analyzing what my life had been for the past months and as I heard Gerard’s car’s horn. I ran downstairs and out the door, towards the car. I stopped a few feet away from him as I noticed his even gloomier expression; he didn’t even try to deny it as he usually did when he was around me.
“What’s wrong Gee?” I asked, unable to touch him until he removed the scarily aggravated expression off his features.
“Look, this isn’t working anymore…” He trailed off, not looking at me, but straight ahead. I felt the blood leaving my face, I felt my pulse accelerate, I thought I was going to fall anytime now but instead I gripped the door tighter and tried to compose myself. He wasn’t about to say what I thought he was going to say. He couldn’t possibly waste away almost a year together this easily…
He couldn’t.
He simply couldn’t.
He waited for me to answer in some way. Realizing I wouldn’t he forced himself to look at me. His stare was so cold and empty it broke me apart more than his words. My insides felt like broken glass. I was afraid that if I moved I would cut everything else. But does everything else inside me matter when my heart is so terribly broken?
“I don’t feel this is right anymore. Goodbye Gabe”
I stood there in shock as the car’s engine roared to life.
“Is that really all I get?” I almost yelled.
“What?” He asked, arching an eyebrow.
“The only thing I get from you is ‘/this doesn’t feel right anymore/’? Are you fucking kidding me?!” this time I yelled at the top of my lungs.
“Don’t go Drama Queen on me, okay? You know how I hate that” He said in an annoyed calm tone.
“DRAMA QUEEN?!” I threw my hands in the air. He shook his head and started leaving the driveway.
“YOU’RE AN EGOCENTRIC BASTARD! FUCK OFF!” I screamed at the car as it disappeared into the distance. I dropped to my knees, the gravel hurting my knees, breaking my skin apart.
“…/rot in hell you idiotic piece of shit/…” I cried angrily with what was left of my voice.
“Gabe, what’s wrong?” Grandpa asked from the front door. I heard as he started moving towards me but I put my hands in the air signalling him to stop and got off the gravel and the danger of being run over by the next car that came over it.
“Did Gerard do something to you?” He asked furiously.
“He broke up with me” I said in a thin voice. I was sure Grandpa didn’t know whether to be mad as fuck with him to dump me or fucking ecstatic for me to be free of him.
Graduation’s supposed to be one of those one-time experiences you must cherish with all your heart.
I didn’t.
I just wanted it to be over with.
Graduation was my ticket out.
Out of this motherfucking town and the memories it held, out of the sympathetic stares of the people I loved, out of my past love’s way, out of tragedy and drama.
OutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOutOut
Oh my goddd! My currently favorite fic (my favorite fic ever is Saint Lily in the My Chem section) just updated and Ophie said “just imagine them as llamas” I Bursa out laughing. I’m sure a certain someone laughed about it too. Oh yeah, read that fic. It’s amazing. AND Saint Lily. I LOOVEEEE Lily. I’m obsessed.
prolly some typhos. sorry. I just skimmed through.
Reviews make me update faster.
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