Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Living in Panic
I'm hearing what you're saying but I just can't make a sound
- Timbaland ft. OneRepublic
We didn’t make it in time. We were an hour and a half too late. We rescheduled the appointment till tomorrow morning, and headed off into the city to get to the SNL studios for our appearance on the show that night. Ryan and I were to host it, with all of us performing at set points in the show, but the network said that due to Ryan and me “seeing” each other, it wouldn’t be possible for us to host the show without keeping our hands off each other, so Brendon took his place. Also appearing on the show was Jared Leto and his band, 30 Seconds to Mars. To open up the show, we played “Build God, Then We’ll Talk”, in the middle of the show, after 30STM performed their first song, “The Kill”, we played “There’s A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven’t Thought Of It Yet” and “Camisado”, then 30STM were performing “From Yesterday”, and to wrap it all up, we were performing “Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have without Taking Her Clothes Off”, “I Write Sins Not Tragedies”, “But It’s Better If You Do”, and “The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage” – so basically, it was a performance show. Dancing and singing live is way better on television then it is on stage! I did my new “include Ryan” dance when we performed “Lying”, and I got cheers from the audience, Brendon, Spencer, Bartram, Eric, Jon, Jared, Shannon, Tomo, Matt, and the SNL staff – they seemed to like the change in choreography. During the show, I didn’t think about my dad once, or the fact that it was that anniversary either. After the show, Jared invited me and Ryan out to dinner with him and his girlfriend at a new restaurant that he knew was opening.
Dinner was very uneventful in the dating department, but quite eventful in other areas. We went to a little Italian place just outside the city limits. It was pretty empty, and it had a really nice atmosphere to it – it was kind of homey, with an exotic feel to it. We got shown to our table in a room off the main dining area – for private use. Jared and Ryan sat on one side, whilst Larissa, Jared’s girlfriend, and I sat on the other side of the table. We were all opposite our partners, and Ryan kept giving me these meaningful looks, as if to say lets get out of here so we can be alone. Just after we ordered, I started feeling a little panicked, so I excused myself and headed off to the bathroom to wash my face and clam down a little. I had just gone in – they weren’t in the male/female rooms like you usually find in a restaurant, but five separate little bathrooms connected by a common room type thing – when I heard a knock at the door.
“Someone’s in here.” I said, gripping the edges of the sink so hard that my knuckles were going white.
“Em, its Ryan. Open up please.” I reluctantly opened the door, and Ryan came barging through. I locked the door behind him.
“Are you okay? You looked a little pale out there, and you were making Jared worry about you.”
“I’m fine, I just felt a little sick and was starting to have trouble breathing. Why would Jared be worried about me?” Everything suddenly started going blurry. I grabbed onto Ryan’s shoulders for support.
“Are you sure you’re okay? Because we can go home now and ask Jared and Larissa out tomorrow night if you prefer.”
“Yes Ryan, I’m sure I’m okay. I just think my lack of sleep is getting to me, and my body is realizing what date it is, telling everything to shut down. Let’s just head back, okay?” Ryan took hold of my hand, unlocked the door and led me back out to the table. As soon as I sat down, the food arrived.
“So Em, how do you like hanging out with rock stars?” Jared asked, in between bites of his steak. I was pushing my food round my plate as If to say that I didn’t want it, and then I realized that it was my favourite meal, so I took a few bites.
“It’s pretty cool. I mean I’m fulfilling the dream that my dad always wanted either himself or me to complete, and I’m glad I have.” Just then, I dropped my fork, and it crashed onto my plate. I went into a daze – I couldn’t hear a single thing coming from around me, and I could barely see due to the fact that tears were starting to well in my eyes. I could hear faint whispers all around me, then the sudden crash of a gun shooting. Is the restaurant under fire, I thought subconsciously. I screamed out at the top of my voice and fell to the floor, panicking badly, finding it hard to breathe. I grabbed the closest thing to me, which happened to be Ryan’s hand, and squeezed incredibly hard and didn’t let go. I was having trouble breathing – I was taking in air, but I felt like smoke, you know, all thick and heavy – and I was starting to feel claustrophobic, which is something that hardly ever happens to me. The next thing I knew, Ryan was scooping me up into his arms, and carried me out of the restaurant, with me sobbing into his chest all the while, whilst Jared and Larissa went to get the car. Just after Ryan lay me down in the car, making sure I was comfortable, I passed out. The shock of four months ago had truly set in, and there was no escaping it. When I regained consciousness, about five minutes later, Ryan and Larissa were staring at me.
“Why did you go all psycho in there?” Larissa asked me, a genuinely concerned look on her face.
“Family troubles … I’ll tell you once I get her back to the hotel in her bed, in a safe place.” Ryan replied. I was so thankful that I didn’t have to answer that question.
“But may I ask one thing? What provoked you to scream when the busboy dropped those plates?” Ryan asked me, looking down on me from where my head was resting on his lap. I sat myself upright, and leaned into Ryan a little more, as I was starting to feel cold.
“The busboy dropped plates? … Oh my god, I thought it was g…gun…gunfire that I heard. That’s why I screamed.” I buried my head into Ryan’s shoulder and sat there for a while, contemplating my idiocy. When we were about fifteen minutes from the hotel, I pulled away from Ryan and looked out the front windscreen.
“My dad was held up in the bank heist in Washington on the 12th July this year. He was an ex-FBI agent, so he knew how to deal with these kinds of things – about twenty others were being held hostage with him. He was talking with the leader of the criminals, and they drew a gun to his head and fired. It was on the news about 10 minutes later. I got a call that night from my mum, right before I was due to make my first appearance as a member of Panic, telling me that he had been…” by this point I was crying again.
“He had been murdered in cold blood. Em took it really hard, mainly because she is so young – just a baby, then only sixteen years old – and that is why we try not to schedule stuff for the 12th of any month, as it still haunts her. She can’t even sleep because memories of that day come flooding back in.” Ryan finished up the story, and took me into a tight embrace.
“It’s okay to be sad about the incident Em, just so long as you don’t let it ruin your life. After a while, you’ll get over it. But until then, I offer my sincerest apologies, and pray for your sake that life gets better for you from here on in.” Larissa made a beautiful speech, which made me cry even harder.
“Yeah, just try to take things a day at a time, and focus on the future, when you’ve recorded you second album, when you have your own brands of clothes, when you are the first girl on all the A-list events in LA.” I smiled a little as Jared made his comforting little speech.
“Thank you guys for being so kind and understanding and stuff…” I said in between sobs. I buried myself even further into Ryan, and didn’t come out until we made it back to the hotel. We said goodbye to Larissa and Jared, and Ryan held my hand until we got up to our room, which we were sharing with the other three boys. Spencer opened up the door, and went back to what he was doing, watching the baseball with Jon. Ryan placed me on the spare couch in the common room area, and grabbed me a blanket from one of the bedrooms. He must have felt how cold my skin was, as I was starting to freeze. I was very tired, and didn’t even realise that I had slipped of to sleep.
- Timbaland ft. OneRepublic
We didn’t make it in time. We were an hour and a half too late. We rescheduled the appointment till tomorrow morning, and headed off into the city to get to the SNL studios for our appearance on the show that night. Ryan and I were to host it, with all of us performing at set points in the show, but the network said that due to Ryan and me “seeing” each other, it wouldn’t be possible for us to host the show without keeping our hands off each other, so Brendon took his place. Also appearing on the show was Jared Leto and his band, 30 Seconds to Mars. To open up the show, we played “Build God, Then We’ll Talk”, in the middle of the show, after 30STM performed their first song, “The Kill”, we played “There’s A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven’t Thought Of It Yet” and “Camisado”, then 30STM were performing “From Yesterday”, and to wrap it all up, we were performing “Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have without Taking Her Clothes Off”, “I Write Sins Not Tragedies”, “But It’s Better If You Do”, and “The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage” – so basically, it was a performance show. Dancing and singing live is way better on television then it is on stage! I did my new “include Ryan” dance when we performed “Lying”, and I got cheers from the audience, Brendon, Spencer, Bartram, Eric, Jon, Jared, Shannon, Tomo, Matt, and the SNL staff – they seemed to like the change in choreography. During the show, I didn’t think about my dad once, or the fact that it was that anniversary either. After the show, Jared invited me and Ryan out to dinner with him and his girlfriend at a new restaurant that he knew was opening.
Dinner was very uneventful in the dating department, but quite eventful in other areas. We went to a little Italian place just outside the city limits. It was pretty empty, and it had a really nice atmosphere to it – it was kind of homey, with an exotic feel to it. We got shown to our table in a room off the main dining area – for private use. Jared and Ryan sat on one side, whilst Larissa, Jared’s girlfriend, and I sat on the other side of the table. We were all opposite our partners, and Ryan kept giving me these meaningful looks, as if to say lets get out of here so we can be alone. Just after we ordered, I started feeling a little panicked, so I excused myself and headed off to the bathroom to wash my face and clam down a little. I had just gone in – they weren’t in the male/female rooms like you usually find in a restaurant, but five separate little bathrooms connected by a common room type thing – when I heard a knock at the door.
“Someone’s in here.” I said, gripping the edges of the sink so hard that my knuckles were going white.
“Em, its Ryan. Open up please.” I reluctantly opened the door, and Ryan came barging through. I locked the door behind him.
“Are you okay? You looked a little pale out there, and you were making Jared worry about you.”
“I’m fine, I just felt a little sick and was starting to have trouble breathing. Why would Jared be worried about me?” Everything suddenly started going blurry. I grabbed onto Ryan’s shoulders for support.
“Are you sure you’re okay? Because we can go home now and ask Jared and Larissa out tomorrow night if you prefer.”
“Yes Ryan, I’m sure I’m okay. I just think my lack of sleep is getting to me, and my body is realizing what date it is, telling everything to shut down. Let’s just head back, okay?” Ryan took hold of my hand, unlocked the door and led me back out to the table. As soon as I sat down, the food arrived.
“So Em, how do you like hanging out with rock stars?” Jared asked, in between bites of his steak. I was pushing my food round my plate as If to say that I didn’t want it, and then I realized that it was my favourite meal, so I took a few bites.
“It’s pretty cool. I mean I’m fulfilling the dream that my dad always wanted either himself or me to complete, and I’m glad I have.” Just then, I dropped my fork, and it crashed onto my plate. I went into a daze – I couldn’t hear a single thing coming from around me, and I could barely see due to the fact that tears were starting to well in my eyes. I could hear faint whispers all around me, then the sudden crash of a gun shooting. Is the restaurant under fire, I thought subconsciously. I screamed out at the top of my voice and fell to the floor, panicking badly, finding it hard to breathe. I grabbed the closest thing to me, which happened to be Ryan’s hand, and squeezed incredibly hard and didn’t let go. I was having trouble breathing – I was taking in air, but I felt like smoke, you know, all thick and heavy – and I was starting to feel claustrophobic, which is something that hardly ever happens to me. The next thing I knew, Ryan was scooping me up into his arms, and carried me out of the restaurant, with me sobbing into his chest all the while, whilst Jared and Larissa went to get the car. Just after Ryan lay me down in the car, making sure I was comfortable, I passed out. The shock of four months ago had truly set in, and there was no escaping it. When I regained consciousness, about five minutes later, Ryan and Larissa were staring at me.
“Why did you go all psycho in there?” Larissa asked me, a genuinely concerned look on her face.
“Family troubles … I’ll tell you once I get her back to the hotel in her bed, in a safe place.” Ryan replied. I was so thankful that I didn’t have to answer that question.
“But may I ask one thing? What provoked you to scream when the busboy dropped those plates?” Ryan asked me, looking down on me from where my head was resting on his lap. I sat myself upright, and leaned into Ryan a little more, as I was starting to feel cold.
“The busboy dropped plates? … Oh my god, I thought it was g…gun…gunfire that I heard. That’s why I screamed.” I buried my head into Ryan’s shoulder and sat there for a while, contemplating my idiocy. When we were about fifteen minutes from the hotel, I pulled away from Ryan and looked out the front windscreen.
“My dad was held up in the bank heist in Washington on the 12th July this year. He was an ex-FBI agent, so he knew how to deal with these kinds of things – about twenty others were being held hostage with him. He was talking with the leader of the criminals, and they drew a gun to his head and fired. It was on the news about 10 minutes later. I got a call that night from my mum, right before I was due to make my first appearance as a member of Panic, telling me that he had been…” by this point I was crying again.
“He had been murdered in cold blood. Em took it really hard, mainly because she is so young – just a baby, then only sixteen years old – and that is why we try not to schedule stuff for the 12th of any month, as it still haunts her. She can’t even sleep because memories of that day come flooding back in.” Ryan finished up the story, and took me into a tight embrace.
“It’s okay to be sad about the incident Em, just so long as you don’t let it ruin your life. After a while, you’ll get over it. But until then, I offer my sincerest apologies, and pray for your sake that life gets better for you from here on in.” Larissa made a beautiful speech, which made me cry even harder.
“Yeah, just try to take things a day at a time, and focus on the future, when you’ve recorded you second album, when you have your own brands of clothes, when you are the first girl on all the A-list events in LA.” I smiled a little as Jared made his comforting little speech.
“Thank you guys for being so kind and understanding and stuff…” I said in between sobs. I buried myself even further into Ryan, and didn’t come out until we made it back to the hotel. We said goodbye to Larissa and Jared, and Ryan held my hand until we got up to our room, which we were sharing with the other three boys. Spencer opened up the door, and went back to what he was doing, watching the baseball with Jon. Ryan placed me on the spare couch in the common room area, and grabbed me a blanket from one of the bedrooms. He must have felt how cold my skin was, as I was starting to freeze. I was very tired, and didn’t even realise that I had slipped of to sleep.
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