Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > I Can Feel Him Staring
Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I was someone else. Like if I could watch myself through someone else’s eyes and watch the choices I make and if I would wonder that I made the right ones. Sometimes I’m not proud of the things I’ve done. In a way I had never realized what a big influence Pete has actually been in my life. He’s helped me kick habits that usually only a rehabilitation center could accomplish. Pete in a way was my anti drug I guess. No one would believe he could help me and make me see what I was doing to myself and others but he did. He opened my eyes with three simple yet very effective words.
I was on a high one night. It was at the time I thought the best feeling I had ever experienced when Pete came over. I was curled up in the corner of my room with my eyes closed when I heard him open my bedroom door. I looked up for like three seconds but in those three seconds I saw the worst look in his eyes. It wasn’t pity or sadness but worry, heartache, and suffering. He walked over to me, sat down next to me, and held me. Held me close to him and told me that he couldn’t take seeing me like this anymore. It was killing him to know that I was slowly killing myself basically.
He laid his head on mine and I knew that he thought I had fallen asleep. We sat there a couple of minutes until I heard him suck in a breathe and say that he loved me for the first time. I knew then that I had to stop and that he had to help me do it. The next day I had told him I wanted to stop and get better basically but only if he promised to help me through it and to be there for me through the whole ordeal. He smiled and said he would always be here for me. To this day he had never known I heard him say those three words sitting on my bedroom floor with the worst high I had ever had in my whole life and tonight was no different.
We had done the show and of course the crowd was riled up and we were all energetic as hell after the show. Gerard had decided to race me to our limo since how we were supposed to go clubbing and well being the short skinny bastard that I am I beat him to it. I was in the process of opening the door when an arm gripped mine and pushed me against the side of the limo. I had a split second to realize that it was Gerard before he pulled my face to his and kissed me full on the mouth and on top of it all he ran his fingertips up my spine which drove me crazy .
I pushed him back and looked at him with an expression on my face that had to read what the hell? But he just smiled and jumped into the limo while I stood there confused as hell. I mean it shouldn’t have felt weird because it was nothing new. We did that all the time on stage but I don’t know it was just different this time.
“You ready?”
“Huh? Wha-, oh uh yeah,” I say snapping out of my trance as I realize Pete was standing there waiting for me to get in the limo so he could.
“You alright?”
“Uh yeah fine,” I say jumping into my seat sliding over so Pete could slide in next to me. I look over at Gerard and no surprise he’s talking on the phone.
“You know. I’m not really the jealous type but if you keep letting guys kiss you like that I might just become that type very soon,” Pete says as he chuckles lightly letting me know he was just kidding for he also knew it was nothing new coming from Gerard but I just couldn’t get it out of my head that there was more to it. Before when we had kissed it was just a kiss more like a la de freakin dah kind of thing but this time it was like passionate I guess. It was different to say the least and I was kind of freaked out because Gerard wasn’t gay nor had he ever shown any signs of bisexuality. I mean there wouldn’t be nothing wrong with it if he was but he had just never said anything. I mean I think if he was at all he would have told me considering I am the closest to him besides Mikey. I don’t know I’m just really fucking confused that’s for sure.
~~~~~~~~~
Okay so getting to the club was easy, getting out of the limo was easy, and getting into the club was easy but now that were all in here and sitting down it’s not so easy. Why? Because Pete is sitting next to me with his hand on my leg and Gerard is sitting across from me staring a hole right through me. Every time I look at him he smiles and looks away and when I look away I can see him out of the corner of my eye turn his head right back to me. I look back at him, watch him give me that smile, turn his head, and then I look at my shot sitting in front of me. I down it and clench my teeth as the alcohol envelops my senses and leaves me feeling warm. I shake my head a little and indicate to Pete to pour me another shot. He does and I gratefully down that shot and about the next four after that.
I usually don’t dance because I kind of can’t but weirdly enough I can when I’m drunk. It’s weird but yeah it’s true. I’m not totally wasted but I’ve got a good enough buzz to make me want to dance so I slide out of the booth and grab Pete by the hand.
“Come on,” I say pulling him to the dance floor not really giving him a chance to respond. Pete is one of those guys who actually do like to dance whether he’s good at it or not and thankfully enough he’s pretty damn good. Okay so after grinding for a few minutes I can tell it won’t be long before Pete is ready to leave. He reaches around and grabs me through my pants and lets me definitely know that it won’t be long and I open my eyes to see Gerard staring at us but with a look on his face as if he bothered about something. He catches me looking at him and slides out of the booth. I can tell in the direction he’s going that he’s heading for the door.
I turn around and yell to Pete to go back to the booth and that I would be back in a few minutes and then we could leave. He shakes his head and starts his walk back to the booth as I make my way towards the door.
When I finally make my way outside I look around and can’t see Gerard anywhere. I walk to the side of the building and look around it finding Gerard leaned up against it smoking a cigarette. He notices me walking towards him and doesn’t do what I think he’s going to. I thought that maybe he would try to walk away or something in that general nature but he doesn’t. He just stands there and inhales more nicotine.
“Are you okay man?”
“Yeah I’m fine. I just needed a cigarette and you know I can’t smoke in there with that stupid law they passed so I came outside.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure anything you want.”
“Why did you kiss me earlier?”
“What do you mean why? I always do. Look if you wanted to know the answer to that then why didn’t you ask me like what seven eight years ago when that all started?” he laughs but I don’t because I just have a gut feeling something else is happening in his head, “Dude come on it was nothing.”
“Oh no? Then why have you been staring at me all night and why were you watching me and Pete? AND why did you look bothered about it when I caught you watching?”
“Dude trust me the reason why I was bothered was because he was like grabbing you in front of everyone. I mean come on it’s a little disturbing.”
“Huh that’s funny I don’t think anyone else was noticing but you. Gerard just please tell me the truth right now. Is there more to how you feel about me then you let on?”
“Frankie I’m not gay or bisexual so it’s okay. I promise you it was nothing. Okay? Please just believe me,” he says placing a hand on my shoulder.
“Alright Gerard I believe you but please don’t keep something like that inside. It’s not good to keep your feelings inside. If you were gay or bisexual I promise no one would judge you for it. Especially me. Okay?”
“I know that. Well let’s go back inside before Pete starts to think we’re out here doing unmentionable things,” he says laughing as he throws an arm around my shoulder and we walk back inside.
“Well actually we’re going to leave when I get back to the table.”
“Oh okay. Well don’t have to much fun.”
“I’ll try to have the least amount of fun I possibly can,” I say grinning as we approach the table.
“You ready to go?” Pete asks as he stands up and hands me my hoodie.
“Yeah. Let’s go. We’ll see ya’ll later,” I say pulling on my hoodie
I was on a high one night. It was at the time I thought the best feeling I had ever experienced when Pete came over. I was curled up in the corner of my room with my eyes closed when I heard him open my bedroom door. I looked up for like three seconds but in those three seconds I saw the worst look in his eyes. It wasn’t pity or sadness but worry, heartache, and suffering. He walked over to me, sat down next to me, and held me. Held me close to him and told me that he couldn’t take seeing me like this anymore. It was killing him to know that I was slowly killing myself basically.
He laid his head on mine and I knew that he thought I had fallen asleep. We sat there a couple of minutes until I heard him suck in a breathe and say that he loved me for the first time. I knew then that I had to stop and that he had to help me do it. The next day I had told him I wanted to stop and get better basically but only if he promised to help me through it and to be there for me through the whole ordeal. He smiled and said he would always be here for me. To this day he had never known I heard him say those three words sitting on my bedroom floor with the worst high I had ever had in my whole life and tonight was no different.
We had done the show and of course the crowd was riled up and we were all energetic as hell after the show. Gerard had decided to race me to our limo since how we were supposed to go clubbing and well being the short skinny bastard that I am I beat him to it. I was in the process of opening the door when an arm gripped mine and pushed me against the side of the limo. I had a split second to realize that it was Gerard before he pulled my face to his and kissed me full on the mouth and on top of it all he ran his fingertips up my spine which drove me crazy .
I pushed him back and looked at him with an expression on my face that had to read what the hell? But he just smiled and jumped into the limo while I stood there confused as hell. I mean it shouldn’t have felt weird because it was nothing new. We did that all the time on stage but I don’t know it was just different this time.
“You ready?”
“Huh? Wha-, oh uh yeah,” I say snapping out of my trance as I realize Pete was standing there waiting for me to get in the limo so he could.
“You alright?”
“Uh yeah fine,” I say jumping into my seat sliding over so Pete could slide in next to me. I look over at Gerard and no surprise he’s talking on the phone.
“You know. I’m not really the jealous type but if you keep letting guys kiss you like that I might just become that type very soon,” Pete says as he chuckles lightly letting me know he was just kidding for he also knew it was nothing new coming from Gerard but I just couldn’t get it out of my head that there was more to it. Before when we had kissed it was just a kiss more like a la de freakin dah kind of thing but this time it was like passionate I guess. It was different to say the least and I was kind of freaked out because Gerard wasn’t gay nor had he ever shown any signs of bisexuality. I mean there wouldn’t be nothing wrong with it if he was but he had just never said anything. I mean I think if he was at all he would have told me considering I am the closest to him besides Mikey. I don’t know I’m just really fucking confused that’s for sure.
~~~~~~~~~
Okay so getting to the club was easy, getting out of the limo was easy, and getting into the club was easy but now that were all in here and sitting down it’s not so easy. Why? Because Pete is sitting next to me with his hand on my leg and Gerard is sitting across from me staring a hole right through me. Every time I look at him he smiles and looks away and when I look away I can see him out of the corner of my eye turn his head right back to me. I look back at him, watch him give me that smile, turn his head, and then I look at my shot sitting in front of me. I down it and clench my teeth as the alcohol envelops my senses and leaves me feeling warm. I shake my head a little and indicate to Pete to pour me another shot. He does and I gratefully down that shot and about the next four after that.
I usually don’t dance because I kind of can’t but weirdly enough I can when I’m drunk. It’s weird but yeah it’s true. I’m not totally wasted but I’ve got a good enough buzz to make me want to dance so I slide out of the booth and grab Pete by the hand.
“Come on,” I say pulling him to the dance floor not really giving him a chance to respond. Pete is one of those guys who actually do like to dance whether he’s good at it or not and thankfully enough he’s pretty damn good. Okay so after grinding for a few minutes I can tell it won’t be long before Pete is ready to leave. He reaches around and grabs me through my pants and lets me definitely know that it won’t be long and I open my eyes to see Gerard staring at us but with a look on his face as if he bothered about something. He catches me looking at him and slides out of the booth. I can tell in the direction he’s going that he’s heading for the door.
I turn around and yell to Pete to go back to the booth and that I would be back in a few minutes and then we could leave. He shakes his head and starts his walk back to the booth as I make my way towards the door.
When I finally make my way outside I look around and can’t see Gerard anywhere. I walk to the side of the building and look around it finding Gerard leaned up against it smoking a cigarette. He notices me walking towards him and doesn’t do what I think he’s going to. I thought that maybe he would try to walk away or something in that general nature but he doesn’t. He just stands there and inhales more nicotine.
“Are you okay man?”
“Yeah I’m fine. I just needed a cigarette and you know I can’t smoke in there with that stupid law they passed so I came outside.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure anything you want.”
“Why did you kiss me earlier?”
“What do you mean why? I always do. Look if you wanted to know the answer to that then why didn’t you ask me like what seven eight years ago when that all started?” he laughs but I don’t because I just have a gut feeling something else is happening in his head, “Dude come on it was nothing.”
“Oh no? Then why have you been staring at me all night and why were you watching me and Pete? AND why did you look bothered about it when I caught you watching?”
“Dude trust me the reason why I was bothered was because he was like grabbing you in front of everyone. I mean come on it’s a little disturbing.”
“Huh that’s funny I don’t think anyone else was noticing but you. Gerard just please tell me the truth right now. Is there more to how you feel about me then you let on?”
“Frankie I’m not gay or bisexual so it’s okay. I promise you it was nothing. Okay? Please just believe me,” he says placing a hand on my shoulder.
“Alright Gerard I believe you but please don’t keep something like that inside. It’s not good to keep your feelings inside. If you were gay or bisexual I promise no one would judge you for it. Especially me. Okay?”
“I know that. Well let’s go back inside before Pete starts to think we’re out here doing unmentionable things,” he says laughing as he throws an arm around my shoulder and we walk back inside.
“Well actually we’re going to leave when I get back to the table.”
“Oh okay. Well don’t have to much fun.”
“I’ll try to have the least amount of fun I possibly can,” I say grinning as we approach the table.
“You ready to go?” Pete asks as he stands up and hands me my hoodie.
“Yeah. Let’s go. We’ll see ya’ll later,” I say pulling on my hoodie
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