Categories > Books > Harry Potter > The General Said I Would Have Days Like This
Some Days the Universe Really Does Hate You
0 reviewsStargate SG-1/Harry Potter - Sometime in life you have to do the one thing you absolutely dread to get the one thing you absolutely need or want, so you can do the one thing you have to do. And som...
4Funny
Disclaimer: If I made any money from this fic I won't be working for a living
Bad Author Notes: Harry Potter is over. Stargate SG-1 is over. But this story lives on. Sorry it took so long, Muse was not happy with this chapter but she's satisfied enough to allow it to go out into the world and play with others.
Some Days the Universe Really Does Hate You
by Lady FoxFire
August 14, 2007
"A million?" Hammond asked confusion evident in his voice.
Sirius nodded his head. "With Harry's fame, the Potter's fortune and political power, I figured that a million should be sufficient enough." Sirius leaned forward so that his crossed arms were resting on the table. "Of course I took into account the danger Jack will be facing from the Dark Lord, Dumbledore and any other of Harry's enemies when I came up with that figure."
Hammond's eyes narrowed. "You want us to pay you a dowry of a million dollars?"
Sirius leaned back in his chair. He blinked once. Twice. "Ah... no," he replied. "We're paying you a million gallons."
"Gallons? Is that wizards money?" Daniel's interest in the secret community slightly overriding his concern for his friend.
"Yep," Sirius replied turning his attention to Dr Jackson. "One gallon is worth roughly about 4.5 pounds. If you want it in dollars I'm sure the goblin would be happy to convert for you."
"Let me get this straight," Hammond said slowly his words carefully chosen. "Your society is in the middle of a war. One you have no hope of winning without Jack's help, so you summon him without consideration to his duties here or his own life. Force a bond between him and Mr. Potter that cause them to fail into convulsions if they're not in contact with each other on a regular basic. And now you want to pay us almost 7 million dollar US, so you can take the Colonel away to do whatever you need with him to win this war."
"That's right," Sirius said with a bright smile, not noticing the warning signs from the General.
"So in other words you want to enslave Colonel O'Neill and pay us to look the other way while you do it," the General growled.
Sirius stared at the General for a moment before turning to his friend with confused expression. "Urg... Remus?"
Sitting ramrod straight in his chair, Remus had his hands clutch tightly together on the table, tears welling up in his eyes while his face turned to an unusual shade of red as he fought not to laugh out loud.
"Remus!" Sirius whined in outrage, which only cause Remus to break down and howl with laughter.
"I hardly think this is a laughing matter," Hammond snarled through clenched teeth.
Reeling in his laughter Remus waved his hand in Sirius' directions. "You're have to forgive this old dog," Remus said between chuckles, "he come a pure blood family and they do things a bit different than the rest of the civilized world."
"Hey we're civilized!" Sirius countered.
"Malfoy, the Lestrange, the Notts," Remus replied.
"The Longbottoms, Bones, Weasleys..." Sirius countered
"The Weasley's didn't have a contract," Remus pointed out.
"Yes they did," Sirius relied smugly.
"How do you know," Remus demanded.
Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "I looked it up."
"You looked up? Why did you... you know what I don't want to know," Remus said with a shake of his head.
Sirius nodded his head while smiling happily. "That's probably a good idea."
By this time General Hammond had closed his eyes and growled softly. Opening his eyes he stared forcefully at Sirius and Remus. "Perhaps you'll care to finish your explanation."
"Yes sir," Remus replied as he squirmed in his seat. "Among some of the pure blood family, like the Blacks," Remus nodded his head in Sirius' direction," it's common practice, that when a child is born a marriage contract is arranged between families. The idea behind the contract is to strengthen the ties between or to formalize a truce between families."
"Kind of like what they did in the Middle Ages," Lou chimed in. "How the royals would marry their kids off to stop wars."
"Exactly. However unlike those contract the ones used now a days have a number of escape clauses so that if the couple realize they can't stand each other, fall in love with someone else who is the acceptable pedigree or find their soul mate they're not forced into marriage," Remus explained. "However if the contract is broken, no matter who breaks it there is a monetary amount to be paid in compensation for the loss of honor. It's usually paid by the wealthier family, even if they were not at fault."
"So the money Sirius was offering for Jack was to cover the cost of breaking any marriage contracts he might have?" Daniel said in disbelief.
"Or for annulment of a marriage in the case of a soul mate," Remus added.
"Ok what happens if there is no contract? Who gets the money then?" Lou asked. "Or what if the amount offered was more than needed?"
"That's easy," Sirius replied. "The money becomes the property of the other person, in this case Jack,"
"So Harry has to pay off two people. One being Jack and the other is his marriage contract," Major Carter says. "Or is he already married?"
"He just has to pay Jack, he doesn't have a contract," Remus replied. "With the war going on there was never enough time to set one up."
"Umm that's not exactly true Moony," Sirius said as he shifted nervously in his chair.
Remus turned and looked at Sirius, his eyes narrowing.
"James and me... well..." Sirius ran his hand nervously through his hair
"You two formed a contract," Remus growled softly.
"Yeah." Sirius ducked his head, looking through the bangs of his hair at Remus.
Remus let out a sigh of disgust. "Lily would have killed both of you if she ever found out."
Sirius raised his head, wearing a devil may care smile on his face. "Why do you think we never told anyone."
"Gentlemen," Hammond said as he drummed his finger on the table. "Well this many be interesting could we please return to the subject at hand?"
"Sorry," Remus replied with lowered eyes
"Umm... what were we talking about?" Sirius asked.
Hammond sighed. "Is there a way to break this bond."
"Yep." Sirius replied simply. "Well at least until the bond is finalized"
Immediately everyone around the table perked up in interest.
"And how do we do it?" Dr Fraiser asked.
"Kill one of them," Sirius replied. "Of course there is no guarantee that the other half of the bond won't die too."
Any hope that had been in the room about Jack getting out of this mess vanished with Sirius' words.
"I don't think that's an option here," Hammond grumbled.
"The bond," O'Niell said for the first time since Harry vanished. "You said it needs to be finalized. How?"
"Sex," Sirius stated.
"Sex... with Harry," Jack said as he's tumbled over his words to which Remus and Sirius nodded their heads. "But I'm not gay!"
"Yes you are," Sirius replied with a grin.
"No. I'm not," Jack said firmly as he cross his arms defensively.
"Actual you are," Remus said with a pitying smile on his face. "So is Harry."
Jack lips curled back in a snarl. "I would think I would know what my own sexual preference is."
"And you're right you do except when it comes to your soul mate. At which point in time anything you believe is out the bloody window. Hell if your soulmate is a centaur then you're into...." Sirius turned to Remus. "Would that be bestiality or centauritily?"
Remus shrugged his shoulder. "No clue but you got to admit they are hung like a horse."
"That's bad," Sirius shook his head.
"Thank you," Remus said with pride.
"Centaurs are real?" Daniel finally asked as the others stared at Remus and Sirius with a mix of disbelief and awe.
"Yep. And they're the biggest pricks around," Sirius replied.
"Literature and figuratively," Remus supplied.
"And you know this how?" Lou asked.
"Used to run around the Forbidden Forest," Sirius said.
"There a centaur community that lives there so we would often run into them," Remus explained a bit more.
Then as suddenly as Harry had vanished from the room he popped back into the room and quickly grabbed hold of Jack.
"Hold it right there, mister," Sirius commanded as Remus busily got started on some spells. "You pop out of this room with or without Jack and I'll.... I'll..."
"You'll what?" Harry asked his hand resting on Jack's shoulder.
"I'll..." Sirius said as he looked around the room for an idea or support. "I'll introduce Jack to the twins." An evil smile appeared in his face.
Harry raised as eyebrow at Sirius's threat. "I planned on introducing him to them anyway," he said with a shrug of his shoulders.
"Yeah I know but I would make sure you won't there to protect him. And you know what the twins are like, what they're working on," Sirius said as his grin grew. "Would you actual want Jack to suffer through that?"
"Not that we'll let them harm him much," Remus said with an evil grin of his own, "but we can't promise you how much emotional damage he'll suffer."
Harry's eyes narrowed as he stared at his smiling godfathers before plopping down in his chair. "So what have I missed?"
"You're godfather trying to buy me for 7 million dollars US, the fact that I don't know my own sexual orientation and neither do you and that centaurs are hung," Jack said in a matter of fact tone of voice as he glared at Sirius and Remus.
"They are," Harry said. "But from what I understand Bane was rather small for a centaur. Must be why he was just a smeghead."
"Bane?" Jack suddenly turned and looked at Harry
Harry nodded his head. "He's a narrowed minded centaur who's determined to keep anyone who doesn't agree with his perceptions of the world out of his domain."
"Oh the Kinsey of the horse world," Jack said his eyes slightly wide at the knowledge that the creature of mythology were real.
"That would be centaur, Jack. Not horses," Daniel commented, his head bowed as he busily wrote down some notes.
"They really hate being called horses," Harry said with a wicked grin.
"Gentlemen can we please get back to the matters at hand?" Hammond asked.
"And what matters are those," Harry asked
"The bond," Hammond replied as he massaged his forehead.
"Oh right," Harry replied. "So what are we going to do? I mean he," Harry pointed to Jack, "was to be a girl who I was to... well... umm you know. But he's not a she and I'm not... you know."
"That's not what your godfathers say," Jack said as he crossed his arms over his chest.
Harry blinked a couple times at Jack in confusion before slowly turning to face his godfathers. "Sirius," Harry said as he displayed a pair of eyes and puppy would be proud of.
Sirius stared in Harry's puppy dog eyes. "Umm... ahhhh... Remus will explain it to you," Sirius said as he quickly passed the buck.
Remus looked at Sirius in betrayal. "You're his godfather!"
"And so are you," Sirius countered. "Besides you have more experience in matters such as this."
"And who was the Casanova of Hogwarts?" Remus countered
"Of young witches. Never of young wizards." Sirius replied.
"Kid," Lou says as he leaned around Jack so he could talk to Harry. "From what I got out of this mess is that it doesn't matter if you're straight or gay, Jack's your mate and you have to sleep with him."
Harry sat back and started out into nothing. "Oh," he finally said as Sirius and Remus argued about who was going to explain it to him.
Harry turned to Jack as softly said. "Your government that have something about this don't they. Don't ask..."
"Don't tell," Jack said finished Harry's words. "Yeah they do."
"This really screws you over doesn't it?" Harry asks.
"Yeah. Yeah it does," Jack replies
"I'll see what I can do so it won't be a problem," Harry stated. "And if it's any consolation, you probably won't have to worry about it too long. From what I understand the odds of me surviving the year according to the bookies in the wizarding world are very long. So if we can keep everything a secret..." Harry shrugged his shoulders.
"Now hold it right there, young man," Sirius growled as he shook his finger at Harry. "I don't want to hear any of that talk."
"Sirius," Harry said in a tone typically used with condescending child.
"No. I don't want anymore of that death talk Harry," Sirius comment. "You're going to survive this."
"Sirius."
"NO!"
"But it would solve Jack's problem with..." Harry replied
"Hey don't bring me into this!" Jack exclaimed. "Besides dying isn't a way to solve a problem, not matter how many times someone tries it." Jack glances over to Daniel.
"I'm really going to need a drink after today," Hammond mumbled to himself. "Today's been like herding cats."
"Gentlemen and ladies, can we get back to the subject again," Hammond said in a commanding voice. "And it's not about explaining the joy of gay sex to Mr. Potter or about how big a Centaur's equipment is. We are talking about kidnapping of military trained personnel and offering money in exchange for him."
Sirius opened his mouth to respond when Harry said, "Sirius. Remus. Silence."
All eyes turned to Harry but instead of the young amusing youth they had gotten used to the found the hardened man Hammond had first met.
"General I understand your concerns but I can assure you that I'm not interested in any military secrets. And to be honest if I was I would go visit your President and get them from him," Harry stated. "I can't change the fact that Jack is my soulmate any more than he can. I also understand how much you must be hating the fact that in order to save the world and Jack's life you have to send him into a situation where he is practically being raped and we're," Harry glanced over at Sirius and Remus, "paying for the privilege. But we can't change that either."
"Colonel O'Neill is one of my men, Mr. Potter," Hammond said.
"Yes sir, I know," Harry replied.
His head bowed slightly, Hammond sat silently in thought. After a moment or two he raised his eyes and looked that O'Neill. "Jack?" he said simply.
O'Neill looked at the General, then at Harry. "Once the bond is completed, we can be separated? We won't have to keep touch each other every 20 minutes?"
Harry looks over at Remus, who nodded his head. "Yes," Harry replied turning back to Jack.
"And with my help you can beat these bastards?" Jack asked.
Harry shrugged his shoulders. "With the bond I'll have more control over my magic but Voldemort and Dumbledore have more experience," Harry replied. "I don't know if I'll win against both of them but I'm going to do my best."
Jack nodded his head, accepting Harry's words. "Right," he said, dread evident in his voice. "I guess we need..."
Before Jack can finish whatever he was about the say the phone next to Hammond began to ring.
"Hammond," the General said as he answered the phone. "Yes. Yes. Thank you." Hanging the phone up Hammond looked at those gathered at the table. "That was the gate. Senator Kinsey has arrived. It seems as if he has received word about your unique condition Jack."
Jack started to pound his head against the desk. "Think he'll put me in Ripley's Believe It or Not or just condemn me to eternal damnation since he seems to think he speaks to God?"
"It could be worse Jack," Lou said. "Anise could be visiting."
"Off World Activation!"
"You just had to open your mouth didn't you," Jack growled.
Lou shrugged his shoulder. "Doesn't mean that it's her."
"No but the way my luck is running right now it probably is,"
"General," Remus said, "not to be rude but we are on a time limit, not only with the bond but with Harry's friends who might want to visit him."
"Well that's going to be a problem, son," Hammond replied, "seeing as the only way off this base is past Kinsey. That is unless you can teleport with someone?"
A smile came to the faces of the three wizards.
"I'm coming," Daniel stated in a tone that left no argument. "Jack's not going into this alone."
"I concur," Teal'c said.
"I'm in too," Carter added in.
"Same here," Lou comment. "Can't let you have all the fun, Jack."
"Thanks," Jack said as he rolled his eyes.
The three wizards looked at each other. "Portkey," Remus stated simply as an evil grin blossomed on Sirius and his faces.
Harry started to pound his head against the desk. "I hate portkeys," Harry said.
"Tough," Sirius said with a smirk. "Get to work, Harry."
"You do realize that either one of you can make one to the castle," Harry said as he pushed himself away from the table while snagging a drinking glass.
"True but are you really going to trust your bondmate and his family with a portkey made by anyone else?" Sirius replied smugly.
Harry made a gesture that if the words had been said would've had any mother reaching for the nearest bar of soap.
With a quick flick of his wrist the glass was turned into a hulu-hoop.
"That's a portkey," Lou asked in disbelief.
"Not yet," Harry replied.
"A portkey can be anything," Remus explained. "It could be as small as a button to as large as... well it can be big. The only thing that really defines what a portkey is made out of is the number of people using it and how easily you want to hide it from Muggles."
"Soda bottles are pretty commonly used," Sirius put in, "since people seems to throw them everyplace."
"Done," Harry said simply as he held out the hula-hoop to the others.
"Before you leave there are a few matter that need to be settle," Hammond said as those going with Jack and the wizards started to rise from their seats.
Harry cocked his heads questionably to the General.
"First off my men," Hammond said as he nodded to the far corner of he room.
Harry turned and looked and looked in that direction to see green rabbits hopping. "What... No don't tell me," Harry said before quickly changing the rabbits back into men who wore unfortunately still in the Playboy Bunnies outfit.
Harry stared at the men for a moment while they shuffled in place uncomfortably. "I'm going to blame Sirius for that," Harry said as he turned his back to the men, dismissing them from his mind.
"Hey!"
"What else?" Harry asked as he ignored Sirius.
"Communication," Hammond said. "I want to hear from my team daily."
Harry nodded his head as he pulled out a simple mirror. "Two-way mirror. I have one at the castle. If you need to speak to any of use, speak to the mirror and someone will answer. You'll be able to see them too."
Hammond nodded his head as he accepted the mirror. "I expect a full report upon your return."
"Yes, sir."
"Ok everyone gather around and grab hold of the... whatever this is," Sirius looked at the hula-hoop in confusion.
"Pure bloods," Remus and Harry mumbled to themselves.
"What about clothes and stuff?" Daniel asked.
"What we can't supply you with you can either return to retrieve or have Dobby get," Remus stated as he grabbed hold of the hula-hoop.
Without a pause Jack took hold of the hula-hoop with one hand and Harry's hand in the other.
The others glance at each other briefly then at the General who nodded his head, before grabbing hold.
"Home," Harry said simply before the group vanishing.
With a sigh of relief General Hammond leaned back in his seat before reaching for the phone. "Harriman. Can you tell me if Sgt. McCoy is still not running that not existing still someplace not on my base?"
Hammond nodded his head at some response from Sgt. Harriman.
"Good. Good. See if you can appropriate some for me. I'm going to need it after today."
Bad Author Notes: Harry Potter is over. Stargate SG-1 is over. But this story lives on. Sorry it took so long, Muse was not happy with this chapter but she's satisfied enough to allow it to go out into the world and play with others.
Some Days the Universe Really Does Hate You
by Lady FoxFire
August 14, 2007
"A million?" Hammond asked confusion evident in his voice.
Sirius nodded his head. "With Harry's fame, the Potter's fortune and political power, I figured that a million should be sufficient enough." Sirius leaned forward so that his crossed arms were resting on the table. "Of course I took into account the danger Jack will be facing from the Dark Lord, Dumbledore and any other of Harry's enemies when I came up with that figure."
Hammond's eyes narrowed. "You want us to pay you a dowry of a million dollars?"
Sirius leaned back in his chair. He blinked once. Twice. "Ah... no," he replied. "We're paying you a million gallons."
"Gallons? Is that wizards money?" Daniel's interest in the secret community slightly overriding his concern for his friend.
"Yep," Sirius replied turning his attention to Dr Jackson. "One gallon is worth roughly about 4.5 pounds. If you want it in dollars I'm sure the goblin would be happy to convert for you."
"Let me get this straight," Hammond said slowly his words carefully chosen. "Your society is in the middle of a war. One you have no hope of winning without Jack's help, so you summon him without consideration to his duties here or his own life. Force a bond between him and Mr. Potter that cause them to fail into convulsions if they're not in contact with each other on a regular basic. And now you want to pay us almost 7 million dollar US, so you can take the Colonel away to do whatever you need with him to win this war."
"That's right," Sirius said with a bright smile, not noticing the warning signs from the General.
"So in other words you want to enslave Colonel O'Neill and pay us to look the other way while you do it," the General growled.
Sirius stared at the General for a moment before turning to his friend with confused expression. "Urg... Remus?"
Sitting ramrod straight in his chair, Remus had his hands clutch tightly together on the table, tears welling up in his eyes while his face turned to an unusual shade of red as he fought not to laugh out loud.
"Remus!" Sirius whined in outrage, which only cause Remus to break down and howl with laughter.
"I hardly think this is a laughing matter," Hammond snarled through clenched teeth.
Reeling in his laughter Remus waved his hand in Sirius' directions. "You're have to forgive this old dog," Remus said between chuckles, "he come a pure blood family and they do things a bit different than the rest of the civilized world."
"Hey we're civilized!" Sirius countered.
"Malfoy, the Lestrange, the Notts," Remus replied.
"The Longbottoms, Bones, Weasleys..." Sirius countered
"The Weasley's didn't have a contract," Remus pointed out.
"Yes they did," Sirius relied smugly.
"How do you know," Remus demanded.
Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "I looked it up."
"You looked up? Why did you... you know what I don't want to know," Remus said with a shake of his head.
Sirius nodded his head while smiling happily. "That's probably a good idea."
By this time General Hammond had closed his eyes and growled softly. Opening his eyes he stared forcefully at Sirius and Remus. "Perhaps you'll care to finish your explanation."
"Yes sir," Remus replied as he squirmed in his seat. "Among some of the pure blood family, like the Blacks," Remus nodded his head in Sirius' direction," it's common practice, that when a child is born a marriage contract is arranged between families. The idea behind the contract is to strengthen the ties between or to formalize a truce between families."
"Kind of like what they did in the Middle Ages," Lou chimed in. "How the royals would marry their kids off to stop wars."
"Exactly. However unlike those contract the ones used now a days have a number of escape clauses so that if the couple realize they can't stand each other, fall in love with someone else who is the acceptable pedigree or find their soul mate they're not forced into marriage," Remus explained. "However if the contract is broken, no matter who breaks it there is a monetary amount to be paid in compensation for the loss of honor. It's usually paid by the wealthier family, even if they were not at fault."
"So the money Sirius was offering for Jack was to cover the cost of breaking any marriage contracts he might have?" Daniel said in disbelief.
"Or for annulment of a marriage in the case of a soul mate," Remus added.
"Ok what happens if there is no contract? Who gets the money then?" Lou asked. "Or what if the amount offered was more than needed?"
"That's easy," Sirius replied. "The money becomes the property of the other person, in this case Jack,"
"So Harry has to pay off two people. One being Jack and the other is his marriage contract," Major Carter says. "Or is he already married?"
"He just has to pay Jack, he doesn't have a contract," Remus replied. "With the war going on there was never enough time to set one up."
"Umm that's not exactly true Moony," Sirius said as he shifted nervously in his chair.
Remus turned and looked at Sirius, his eyes narrowing.
"James and me... well..." Sirius ran his hand nervously through his hair
"You two formed a contract," Remus growled softly.
"Yeah." Sirius ducked his head, looking through the bangs of his hair at Remus.
Remus let out a sigh of disgust. "Lily would have killed both of you if she ever found out."
Sirius raised his head, wearing a devil may care smile on his face. "Why do you think we never told anyone."
"Gentlemen," Hammond said as he drummed his finger on the table. "Well this many be interesting could we please return to the subject at hand?"
"Sorry," Remus replied with lowered eyes
"Umm... what were we talking about?" Sirius asked.
Hammond sighed. "Is there a way to break this bond."
"Yep." Sirius replied simply. "Well at least until the bond is finalized"
Immediately everyone around the table perked up in interest.
"And how do we do it?" Dr Fraiser asked.
"Kill one of them," Sirius replied. "Of course there is no guarantee that the other half of the bond won't die too."
Any hope that had been in the room about Jack getting out of this mess vanished with Sirius' words.
"I don't think that's an option here," Hammond grumbled.
"The bond," O'Niell said for the first time since Harry vanished. "You said it needs to be finalized. How?"
"Sex," Sirius stated.
"Sex... with Harry," Jack said as he's tumbled over his words to which Remus and Sirius nodded their heads. "But I'm not gay!"
"Yes you are," Sirius replied with a grin.
"No. I'm not," Jack said firmly as he cross his arms defensively.
"Actual you are," Remus said with a pitying smile on his face. "So is Harry."
Jack lips curled back in a snarl. "I would think I would know what my own sexual preference is."
"And you're right you do except when it comes to your soul mate. At which point in time anything you believe is out the bloody window. Hell if your soulmate is a centaur then you're into...." Sirius turned to Remus. "Would that be bestiality or centauritily?"
Remus shrugged his shoulder. "No clue but you got to admit they are hung like a horse."
"That's bad," Sirius shook his head.
"Thank you," Remus said with pride.
"Centaurs are real?" Daniel finally asked as the others stared at Remus and Sirius with a mix of disbelief and awe.
"Yep. And they're the biggest pricks around," Sirius replied.
"Literature and figuratively," Remus supplied.
"And you know this how?" Lou asked.
"Used to run around the Forbidden Forest," Sirius said.
"There a centaur community that lives there so we would often run into them," Remus explained a bit more.
Then as suddenly as Harry had vanished from the room he popped back into the room and quickly grabbed hold of Jack.
"Hold it right there, mister," Sirius commanded as Remus busily got started on some spells. "You pop out of this room with or without Jack and I'll.... I'll..."
"You'll what?" Harry asked his hand resting on Jack's shoulder.
"I'll..." Sirius said as he looked around the room for an idea or support. "I'll introduce Jack to the twins." An evil smile appeared in his face.
Harry raised as eyebrow at Sirius's threat. "I planned on introducing him to them anyway," he said with a shrug of his shoulders.
"Yeah I know but I would make sure you won't there to protect him. And you know what the twins are like, what they're working on," Sirius said as his grin grew. "Would you actual want Jack to suffer through that?"
"Not that we'll let them harm him much," Remus said with an evil grin of his own, "but we can't promise you how much emotional damage he'll suffer."
Harry's eyes narrowed as he stared at his smiling godfathers before plopping down in his chair. "So what have I missed?"
"You're godfather trying to buy me for 7 million dollars US, the fact that I don't know my own sexual orientation and neither do you and that centaurs are hung," Jack said in a matter of fact tone of voice as he glared at Sirius and Remus.
"They are," Harry said. "But from what I understand Bane was rather small for a centaur. Must be why he was just a smeghead."
"Bane?" Jack suddenly turned and looked at Harry
Harry nodded his head. "He's a narrowed minded centaur who's determined to keep anyone who doesn't agree with his perceptions of the world out of his domain."
"Oh the Kinsey of the horse world," Jack said his eyes slightly wide at the knowledge that the creature of mythology were real.
"That would be centaur, Jack. Not horses," Daniel commented, his head bowed as he busily wrote down some notes.
"They really hate being called horses," Harry said with a wicked grin.
"Gentlemen can we please get back to the matters at hand?" Hammond asked.
"And what matters are those," Harry asked
"The bond," Hammond replied as he massaged his forehead.
"Oh right," Harry replied. "So what are we going to do? I mean he," Harry pointed to Jack, "was to be a girl who I was to... well... umm you know. But he's not a she and I'm not... you know."
"That's not what your godfathers say," Jack said as he crossed his arms over his chest.
Harry blinked a couple times at Jack in confusion before slowly turning to face his godfathers. "Sirius," Harry said as he displayed a pair of eyes and puppy would be proud of.
Sirius stared in Harry's puppy dog eyes. "Umm... ahhhh... Remus will explain it to you," Sirius said as he quickly passed the buck.
Remus looked at Sirius in betrayal. "You're his godfather!"
"And so are you," Sirius countered. "Besides you have more experience in matters such as this."
"And who was the Casanova of Hogwarts?" Remus countered
"Of young witches. Never of young wizards." Sirius replied.
"Kid," Lou says as he leaned around Jack so he could talk to Harry. "From what I got out of this mess is that it doesn't matter if you're straight or gay, Jack's your mate and you have to sleep with him."
Harry sat back and started out into nothing. "Oh," he finally said as Sirius and Remus argued about who was going to explain it to him.
Harry turned to Jack as softly said. "Your government that have something about this don't they. Don't ask..."
"Don't tell," Jack said finished Harry's words. "Yeah they do."
"This really screws you over doesn't it?" Harry asks.
"Yeah. Yeah it does," Jack replies
"I'll see what I can do so it won't be a problem," Harry stated. "And if it's any consolation, you probably won't have to worry about it too long. From what I understand the odds of me surviving the year according to the bookies in the wizarding world are very long. So if we can keep everything a secret..." Harry shrugged his shoulders.
"Now hold it right there, young man," Sirius growled as he shook his finger at Harry. "I don't want to hear any of that talk."
"Sirius," Harry said in a tone typically used with condescending child.
"No. I don't want anymore of that death talk Harry," Sirius comment. "You're going to survive this."
"Sirius."
"NO!"
"But it would solve Jack's problem with..." Harry replied
"Hey don't bring me into this!" Jack exclaimed. "Besides dying isn't a way to solve a problem, not matter how many times someone tries it." Jack glances over to Daniel.
"I'm really going to need a drink after today," Hammond mumbled to himself. "Today's been like herding cats."
"Gentlemen and ladies, can we get back to the subject again," Hammond said in a commanding voice. "And it's not about explaining the joy of gay sex to Mr. Potter or about how big a Centaur's equipment is. We are talking about kidnapping of military trained personnel and offering money in exchange for him."
Sirius opened his mouth to respond when Harry said, "Sirius. Remus. Silence."
All eyes turned to Harry but instead of the young amusing youth they had gotten used to the found the hardened man Hammond had first met.
"General I understand your concerns but I can assure you that I'm not interested in any military secrets. And to be honest if I was I would go visit your President and get them from him," Harry stated. "I can't change the fact that Jack is my soulmate any more than he can. I also understand how much you must be hating the fact that in order to save the world and Jack's life you have to send him into a situation where he is practically being raped and we're," Harry glanced over at Sirius and Remus, "paying for the privilege. But we can't change that either."
"Colonel O'Neill is one of my men, Mr. Potter," Hammond said.
"Yes sir, I know," Harry replied.
His head bowed slightly, Hammond sat silently in thought. After a moment or two he raised his eyes and looked that O'Neill. "Jack?" he said simply.
O'Neill looked at the General, then at Harry. "Once the bond is completed, we can be separated? We won't have to keep touch each other every 20 minutes?"
Harry looks over at Remus, who nodded his head. "Yes," Harry replied turning back to Jack.
"And with my help you can beat these bastards?" Jack asked.
Harry shrugged his shoulders. "With the bond I'll have more control over my magic but Voldemort and Dumbledore have more experience," Harry replied. "I don't know if I'll win against both of them but I'm going to do my best."
Jack nodded his head, accepting Harry's words. "Right," he said, dread evident in his voice. "I guess we need..."
Before Jack can finish whatever he was about the say the phone next to Hammond began to ring.
"Hammond," the General said as he answered the phone. "Yes. Yes. Thank you." Hanging the phone up Hammond looked at those gathered at the table. "That was the gate. Senator Kinsey has arrived. It seems as if he has received word about your unique condition Jack."
Jack started to pound his head against the desk. "Think he'll put me in Ripley's Believe It or Not or just condemn me to eternal damnation since he seems to think he speaks to God?"
"It could be worse Jack," Lou said. "Anise could be visiting."
"Off World Activation!"
"You just had to open your mouth didn't you," Jack growled.
Lou shrugged his shoulder. "Doesn't mean that it's her."
"No but the way my luck is running right now it probably is,"
"General," Remus said, "not to be rude but we are on a time limit, not only with the bond but with Harry's friends who might want to visit him."
"Well that's going to be a problem, son," Hammond replied, "seeing as the only way off this base is past Kinsey. That is unless you can teleport with someone?"
A smile came to the faces of the three wizards.
"I'm coming," Daniel stated in a tone that left no argument. "Jack's not going into this alone."
"I concur," Teal'c said.
"I'm in too," Carter added in.
"Same here," Lou comment. "Can't let you have all the fun, Jack."
"Thanks," Jack said as he rolled his eyes.
The three wizards looked at each other. "Portkey," Remus stated simply as an evil grin blossomed on Sirius and his faces.
Harry started to pound his head against the desk. "I hate portkeys," Harry said.
"Tough," Sirius said with a smirk. "Get to work, Harry."
"You do realize that either one of you can make one to the castle," Harry said as he pushed himself away from the table while snagging a drinking glass.
"True but are you really going to trust your bondmate and his family with a portkey made by anyone else?" Sirius replied smugly.
Harry made a gesture that if the words had been said would've had any mother reaching for the nearest bar of soap.
With a quick flick of his wrist the glass was turned into a hulu-hoop.
"That's a portkey," Lou asked in disbelief.
"Not yet," Harry replied.
"A portkey can be anything," Remus explained. "It could be as small as a button to as large as... well it can be big. The only thing that really defines what a portkey is made out of is the number of people using it and how easily you want to hide it from Muggles."
"Soda bottles are pretty commonly used," Sirius put in, "since people seems to throw them everyplace."
"Done," Harry said simply as he held out the hula-hoop to the others.
"Before you leave there are a few matter that need to be settle," Hammond said as those going with Jack and the wizards started to rise from their seats.
Harry cocked his heads questionably to the General.
"First off my men," Hammond said as he nodded to the far corner of he room.
Harry turned and looked and looked in that direction to see green rabbits hopping. "What... No don't tell me," Harry said before quickly changing the rabbits back into men who wore unfortunately still in the Playboy Bunnies outfit.
Harry stared at the men for a moment while they shuffled in place uncomfortably. "I'm going to blame Sirius for that," Harry said as he turned his back to the men, dismissing them from his mind.
"Hey!"
"What else?" Harry asked as he ignored Sirius.
"Communication," Hammond said. "I want to hear from my team daily."
Harry nodded his head as he pulled out a simple mirror. "Two-way mirror. I have one at the castle. If you need to speak to any of use, speak to the mirror and someone will answer. You'll be able to see them too."
Hammond nodded his head as he accepted the mirror. "I expect a full report upon your return."
"Yes, sir."
"Ok everyone gather around and grab hold of the... whatever this is," Sirius looked at the hula-hoop in confusion.
"Pure bloods," Remus and Harry mumbled to themselves.
"What about clothes and stuff?" Daniel asked.
"What we can't supply you with you can either return to retrieve or have Dobby get," Remus stated as he grabbed hold of the hula-hoop.
Without a pause Jack took hold of the hula-hoop with one hand and Harry's hand in the other.
The others glance at each other briefly then at the General who nodded his head, before grabbing hold.
"Home," Harry said simply before the group vanishing.
With a sigh of relief General Hammond leaned back in his seat before reaching for the phone. "Harriman. Can you tell me if Sgt. McCoy is still not running that not existing still someplace not on my base?"
Hammond nodded his head at some response from Sgt. Harriman.
"Good. Good. See if you can appropriate some for me. I'm going to need it after today."
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