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Power of Polyjuice outtakes :

6. The Black Widow (a.k.a. Harry the Barbarian)




Summary: Harry Potter out for a good time... and some well plotted revenge. Revenge, they say, is best served steaming hot!

Well, that too. Though my personal favourite is "Revenge is best served with Polyjuice"!


Disclaimer: I think there is a man-law, something about not fucking with your classmates mothers. Man-law aside, it is not something they can sue you for. Fucking with JKR's attorneys, however, would land you a law-suite in a jiffy, which is why I want to make it clear that I make no profit out of writing this stuff. In fact, time is money, and that means I'm actually losing money while writing this and not doing other things instead. But that's my boss's problem, not JKR's, so there!




P.S.: Pardon the foul language... in the disclaimer, that is.




A/N: Once again I apologize for the disorderly numbering of the various outtakes. I posted the reasons for why on another outtake, so I'm not going to do so again. Just wait until it comes out as well and read it there...




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Power of Polyjuice outtakes :

6. The Black Widow (a.k.a. Harry the Barbarian)




"We were consummating our marriage, and she was thirsty - so I gave her a drink from a pitcher of ice-tea she laid by the bed beforehand. She then convulsed and immediately after that dropped dead! I think someone was trying to get to me through my wife! Or could it possibly have been meant for me to drink it? I suspect her son, Blaise, he greatly resented me, he resented our love, our marriage - and he's known as a sneaky bastard, and he's the only one with free access through the wards to this house! Anyone else would have to ask permission to come in, or, if breaking in without permission, leave a trace!"







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"I'll get you for that, Potter!" cried Blaise. My lawyers are the best, they'll nail you down!"




"Oh yeah?" asked Harry. "And how are you going to pay for them? I hear you spent all the money you made off those brooms - and then some - paying your fines and your lawyers' fee!"




"My mother survived seven extremely wealthy husbands, Potter, and I'm her sole heir! I'm a bloody millioner now, Potter, thanks to you!"




The aururs arresting Blaise noted that and added it to their mental list of "motives for the crime" - the boy expected to inherit his mother upon her death.




"Funny thing `bout that," said Harry, faking an awed expression. "There was this clause in our marriage contract that if one of us die, the other would inherit everything. Your mother insisted we put it in - and, well, she did so when we were, well-" here Harry blushed prettily, wiggling his fingers in the air. "You know. I was in no condition to refuse Bea anything she wanted at the time, so I agreed. Anyway, now that you killed her, you bastard, I inherited her accumulated fortune. At least I got something to remember her by." he said, putting on a suffering face. I think I'll turn this house into a shrine to her memory. Hmmm... I'll let Sally-Anne handle that, I think. Well, I got to go now, things to see, people to do, you know... See you around, sonny boy!" And he was off.




Blaise screamed in frustration as the aururs dragged him away.




Before Blaise was taken, however, Harry leaned over to whisper silently in his ear. 'A not-so-wise man once said, 'The best thing in life is: crush enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentation of their women.' Well, I'm wiser than him, so I'll rephrase it to 'hear the moans of their women.' Much, much more satisfying this way. And let me tell you, Blaise dear, your mother can scream!" He leaned away.




Blaise's frustrated cries now turned into rage.




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Important Notice: For those who don't hold a candle for author notes, skip this and scroll down, there's an Omake to follow. Just wanted to let you know, mainly those new FicWad readers who are not familiar with my bad writing habits from ff.net...




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A/N: I started working on completing outtake 4 two days ago, but got distracted, and that's when the idea of getting Harry and Blaise's mum together popped up, just to see what would come out of that. Then I re-read my original story to prevent inconsistencies, which lead to the probable cancellation of outtake no. 2 on which I was also working, on and off, but also to me remembering that Blaise Zabini, a major prick in my fic, was completely overlooked when lady justice came to call, so I just had to do something about it. Just to keep miss Perks, err.. I mean Mrs. potter, of course, happy, if nothing else.




So that's where this came from. I apologize for the distraction, work on no. 4 will resume shortly.




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The punchline comes from Conan the Barbarian. I watched it again a while ago, twenty years since the last time I did so, and I'm still trying to figure where exactly, under all those rocks and sand, did they hide the plot. The movie does have one gem, though - other than showing off Arnold Schwarzenegger's young, mostly naked body, (which looks much better in the sequel - and consequently is displayed far more often,) to those who are into such things - and that is when a bunch of Mongols discuss the best things in life - the steps, wind at your back, riding a stout horse, etc. and Conan comes with the definite argument and put an end to the discussion. "Crush enemies, see thee driven before you, hear the lamentation of their women!" And in that delightful accent of his, it sounds even better!




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Now, I've got another idea I'm working on for some old-fashioned Slytherin torture, but the problem is, I'm out of Slytherins! Draco got himself killed by Voldemort, Theo Nott exploded in the scene I have yet to write (more then half a year has passed, and still no one came forwards to help me with the chemistry! And I managed to lose all my notes on that scene on the other parts as well!), Crabb and Goyle were grind to mince-meat - and potion ingredients - by the professor everybody loves to hat, and I just now dealt with Blaise Zabini, sending him to Azkaban. Sally-Ann moved to Ravenclaw, Daphne, Tracy and Pansy begged Harry Potter, and the silent Percy Weasley did the unspeakable... err.. I mean unthinkable, and married Millicent Bullstrode. Now, the idea I'm thinking takes place in Harry's seventh year, so I can't use Marcus Flint, Montague, Urquhart or any other of the older Slytherins, as they have left Hogwarts already, so I am at loss to find me a deserving target - or at least, an available one!




So if someone remembers any Slytherin from Harry's year and down that I might have missed, please, please tell me! I'm desperate!




mo




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Review Replies:




D.J. Thornes noted that what with Blaise's motive being inheriting his mother, Harry saying HE has inherited, puts him right back on the list, as the aururs are still there, listening.




Well, I thought about that from the start, then decided it would not matter anyway. Harry puts up a suffering face, talks about turning the place to a shrine to his loving wife's memory... it's not as if any of the aururs would suspect him for murdering her... after all, no one suspected her for murdering her previous husbands! And it isn't as though the aururs have ever heard of the name "Sally-Ann Perks". It's not as if Albus Dumbledore would actually report her torment to anyone in law enforcement, by Blaise's hand, or anybody else's. It's Dumbledore, you know, the man that insisted Blaise of all people should tutor her when she came back to school! The man who never punishes any bad deed, the man in whose school the main lesson is that no good deed goes unpunished, and that morals are an unnecessary, extra weight, to be rid of on the first opportunity, remember?




`sides, those are aururs we speak of, I don't recall ever hearing them figuring out anything that is not right in front of their eyes...







On that note, a wonderful little quote I found:




"We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganized. Presumably the plans for our employment were being changed. I was to learn later in life that, perhaps because we are so good at organizing, we tend as a nation to meet any new situation by reorganizing; and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency and demoralization."

- Charlton Ogburn, 1957.




Have to find somewhere to use it. Any suggestions?




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Omake: The Black Goat




A/N:I seriously considered putting that bit in the actual story, then thought better of it.

Disclaimer: Lying to officers of the law is generally not a good idea... unless they are magical, so they can tell you are saying the truth!




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"We were consummating our marriage, and she was thirsty - so I gave her a drink from a pitcher of ice-tea she laid by the bed beforehand. She then convulsed and immediately after that dropped dead! I think someone was trying to get to me through my wife! Or could it possibly have been meant for me to drink it? I suspect her son, Blaise, he greatly resented me, that is, me marrying his mother, he resented our love, our marriage - I think he was hoping to snag me himself, what with his fetish for my odd pieces of clothing and everything...Marrying his mother, that rather destroyed his fantasy, I suppose. You know, Gentlemen, the old saying: 'Heav'n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn'd.'" Harry said that in a dramatic tone, a woe-begotten expression on his face. "Well, Gentlemen, that phrase was coined when heterosexual relationships not only held hegemony, but were the only alternative. And Blaise, other then being known as a sneaky bastard, is also known as a sissy. And he's the only one with free access through the wards to this house! Anyone else would have to ask permission to come in, or, if breaking in without permission, leave a trace!"




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Later that night, Harry made his way around his house. He was humming a tune to himself, occasionally singing the lyrics. "Hey, Sally-Ann, Hey, Sally-Ann... what's your game now..."




A door opened and a pair of hands shot out of it to grab Harry and pull him in. He found himself locked in a hug with a scantily dressed lady, face to face with her full lips, as she was saying: "Well, Harry, why don't you find out?"




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On a side note, did anyone ever noticed the likeness between the movie rendition of Molly Weasley and the televised Endora Montgomey? And no, it's not just the heir... certainly not their taste in cloths... the complexion, perhaps? Or the wrinkles, mostly, I think. Then again, when I saw the promo for "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix", I thought Umbridge was Molly Weasley too, so I'm not one to talk.




Anyway, I wish someone would pick that one up and do something about it.