Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Soul Purpose
16. Sparkle
Alicia had kept her promise to her fiancé and miraculously showed up on the bus early one morning. She was to move onto a different tour with another band soon and she’d stopped by to spend her few off-days with Mikey.
Gerard had been the only one awake to greet her. Actually, he hadn’t even gone to bed, yet. His soon-to-be-sister-in-law had given him a big hug accompanied with a warm smile and then she’d commented on his t-shirt with a passionate “God, I hate clowns! I’d like to kill one, too.” He’d laughed at her and after some polite small talk, given her the coordinates of his brothers’ bunk. He’d watched her walk down the hall to Mikey’s bunk, pull aside the curtains softly and climb up against him – after kicking off her shoes hurriedly. He’d sighed. Deeply.
Now, the two lovers were snuggled up against each other in Mikey’s small bunk bed, exchanging affectionate caresses and heated kisses every now and then, talking quietly about random things that happened around each of them.
“I should call Brian.” Mikey said after some time, sighing.
“Why?” Alicia asked, raising one eye brow at him. Why the hell would Mikey mention his manager (meaning business) in the middle of such a nice conversation?
He just shot an impish smile at her. “I’m gonna ask him to book us hotel rooms for tonight.”
She grinned at that and squeezed her arms tighter around his body.
“Would he do that on such short notice?”
“I’m gonna tell him he’d better do it or else he’ll be getting numerous phone calls from pissed-off band-mates in the middle of the night, complaining about noise and –”
“Mikey!” she hissed her grin getting wider every second. But she still blushed shyly.
He kissed her nose. “I just missed you so much…” he murmured, while peppering kisses all over her pretty face.
She sighed contently and caught his lips against hers in one swift motion. She softly muttered into the kiss. “I missed you, too.”
They lay in each others’ arms for some time in silence, until something occurred to Alicia.
“Mikey?”
“Hmm?”
“Gerard was awake when I got on the bus.” she said looking up at him.
“He was?” Mikey asked, surprised.
She nodded against her chest. “Yeah… I think he might have not gone to bed at all, I mean, it was really early…”
Mikey frowned. “Maybe.” he muttered.
She shot a worried glance at her fiancé. “Is… Umm… Is something wrong with him?” she asked tentatively.
He shook his head thoughtfully. “No. I. Actually, I don’t know… He didn’t tell me anything. And I, I didn’t notice anything weird to ask him about it…”
Alicia studied his face and saw the slightest worry around the handsome young features. “Okay, then…” she said, with an air of finality. “He probably drank too much coffee, huh?”
That reminded Mikey off a few nights before and he grinned immediately. “Ohhhh! Maybe there is something!” he started enthusiastically. “Maybe he just didn’t wanna sleep alone.” And at her confused expression, he quickly explained what had happened that night.
After he finished his story, she joined him at the grinning. “So, new-found love, huh?”
“Well, yeah, actually. But they’re both still in denial-mode.” he said. “You wouldn’t have wanted to witness that awkward waking-up moment!”
“I think I would!” she said, smirking devilishly.
“Oh, yeah, I nearly forgot you were a bit of a sadist.” That earned him a punch in the stomach but he just laughed. “Okay, then, you should have seen it. In some point during their slumber, they had somehow managed to actually lie down on the booth, Gerard half on top of Defne. We were all watching them to see what would happen when one of them woke up, you know?” Now, he had an amused glint in his eyes, his lips curving upwards in a big smile, his breaths quickened with excitement. “And finally, Gerard did, yawning and stretching. And suddenly all his movements stopped – like in the movies! – I think it was that moment he got fully aware of on top of whom he was lying. He woke the poor girl up trying to get off of her. God, it was priceless! He actually ran off to not have to deal with us…”
Alicia actually giggled at the sight that came before her eyes: A disheveled Gerard trying to scramble to his feet as quickly as possible, his cheeks reddening with embarrassment.
“What did she do?” she asked after managing to calm down.
“Well, she blushed a lot, stammered for some time and then blamed me for leaving them there like that.”
“Hah, she was right. You’re evil!” Alicia said, narrowing her eyes at him.
“I knew you’d be on her side.” he said, trying to give her a fake pout but grinning instead. “I’ll introduce you two later. I think you’d get along well.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. When I’m willing to let you out of my reach for half an hour, you two can hang out and do girly things – I doubt what those would be if the girls are going to be you and Defne, but –”
She punched him again and rolled them over to lie on top of him. She shot him a hazy look. “I’ll show you some girly things I can do.” Then she slowly slid down his body.
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Gerard was seated at the back-lounge, sketching the dreams he hadn’t been able to see due to lack of sleep. He was in the middle of drawing an elf-like creature’s lean legs when he heard the faint sounds of someone playing the guitar. He craned his neck backwards to see Ray and Frank’s gazes fixed on the laptop screen – they were totally absorbed in World of Warcraft. Of course there was still a whole bunch of other people who could be playing.
The vocalist stood up and linked his hands together, raising his arms above his head and stretching until he stood on his tiptoes and his spine gave little cracks. He ruffled his messy locks while trying to scratch the back of his head and started for the little studio area to go bug the mysterious guitar player.
He came to a halt in the doorway as he saw her.
Defne sat perched on the side of a chair, hugging her Les Paul BFG close to her body, strumming some random chords, adding a few notes to try out new tunes every once in a while. She hummed along with the tune for some time. And then she did some well-known Stetina speed-mechanics exercises to warm up her fingers.
Gerard watched her the whole time because, wow, she looked beautiful. Her hair was hanging loose, framing the pretty oval of her face, the longer locks grazing over the smoky black-and-gray edges of the mahogany body of the guitar. He couldn’t exactly make out the expression on her face because he could only see her profile from where he was standing. But she seemed to have absolutely lost herself in the melody she created with the graceful instrument in her hands. It was clear that she was improvising – her fingers never seemed to follow the exact pattern of a memorized melody – when she broke into a solo in which Gerard assumed to be D minor. Her voice accompanied the sound of the guitar as best as it could, humming softly. Gerard noticed she started avoiding the notes she couldn’t generate with her vocal chords, after some time. It was almost like she was playing a song built with hums instead of words, as lyrics.
His face broke into a smooth smile, unconsciously, and he continued watching her.
That’s how Alicia found him: Leaning against the door of the small room, smiling to himself contently. His gaze focused on one point – person – in the room. She considered waking him up from his daydream but decided against it when she finally saw who he was looking at. Her lips curved into a grin as she recognized the girl she had been previously introduced to as Defne. Hah, Mikey was right after all, Gerard was definitely falling for her.
Alicia slowly moved away from the oblivious couple – in order to keep them oblivious to her presence, that is. She zoomed out of the scene and studied Gerard’s face closely. She noticed the peaceful look that adorned his graceful features. The few lines on his face had vanished from sight and he looked totally untroubled. Lips slightly apart, eyelids heavy, brows tilted upwards in something close to appreciation: Affection written all over his bright expression.
She just smiled and shook her head, making her way back to the front-lounge where she planned to cuddle with the other Way-brother.
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Defne still hadn’t noticed Gerard when she started playing Disenchanted. She had struck a few notes while improvising and they had reminded her of that particular song so she had decided to play it. She didn’t think the two guitarists who originally played the song would come to criticize her – she had seen them cross over to fantasy world earlier – so she was calm and confident in her playing.
She hadn’t expected the original vocalist to show up, either, that’s why she was so startled when Gerard broke into the song, absentmindedly. It was probably a conditioned reflex; he had sung the song for so many times, he couldn’t help himself this time.
As she turned towards the doorway to look at him, she accidentally missed a few notes but covered it up quickly when Gerard smiled at her through the words he was singing. She stared into his eyes and joined him with the singing.
“If I’m so wrong, so wrong, so wrong
How can you listen
All night long, night long, night long
Now will it matter
After I’m gone
Because you never learn a goddamned thing”
He shut the door silently and walked up to stand closer to her, still singing, still keeping his gaze locked with hers.
“You’re just a sad song
With nothing to say
About a life long
Wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I’m wrong
This never meant nothing to you…”
Defne wondered if she should stop playing but Gerard began the second verse, signaling her to keep playing.
“I spent my high school career
Spit on and shoved to agree
So I could watch all my heroes
Sell a car on TV
Bring out the old guillotine
We'll show 'em what we all mean.”
“Yeah yeah, oh” she sang.
“If I’m so wrong, so wrong, so wrong
How can you listen
All night long, night long, night long
Now will it matter
After I’m gone
Because you never learn a goddamned thing”
“You’re just a sad song
With nothing to say
About a life long
Wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I’m wrong
This never meant nothing to you…”
Her fingers strained with the effort she put into playing the solo.
“So go, go away, just go, run, run away.
But where did you run to? And where did you hide?
Go find another way, price you pay…”
They sang the chorus one more time and Defne moved onto the outro, plucking the strings softer this time. She slowly ended the song as Gerard’s clear, smooth voice rang in the room.
“At all…”
She stole a look at him and then quickly averted her gaze and fixed it on her lap, hugging her guitar to her body tightly.
Gerard came and kneeled before her. He smiled up into her face and asked.
“What’re you thinking?”
“Ummm… That was really good?”
He nodded. “Yeah, I didn’t know you played so well…”
“I don’t. I mean, uhh, it’s nothing compared to the real thing –”
“Aww, come on! Believe me, I was there when this song was just a skeleton. ” He winked at her. “This is the best you can do with only one guitar in clean tone.”
She smiled up at him, beaming. “Thank you… You know, you guys should consider doing an acoustic performance of this song, it’d be beautiful.”
“Yeah?” he asked, his head tilted to one side curiously.
She nodded. “Yepp! I just can’t resist that melody. It would sound... uhh, purer, I guess, with an acoustic guitar. That’d be really amazing…” she said dreamily.
He blinked up at her and smiled. “Who knows? Maybe we’ll do that some time…”
They sat together in silence after that: Gerard kneeling in front of Defne, his hands resting on her knees. Defne broke the silence when something occurred to her.
“So, how long have you been spying on me play the guitar, hmm?” she asked him, her eyes narrowing in mock suspiciousness.
To her surprise, Gerard blushed modestly and averted his gaze. “Umm…”
Her eyes widened in horror. Had she been so lost in the music to not have noticed him watching her for so long? “Oh, no! Don’t tell me you heard everything! ”
His big hazel doe eyes focused on her face as he fluttered his eyelashes innocently.
“Ummm. Okay. I didn’t.”
She just shook her head.
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“Deff, We’re heading over to the bar, you want anything?”
“Nahh, thanks. I’m gonna get outside for a bit. I can’t breathe in here.” Defne responded, standing up. She watched Devon and Zack walk away and started making her way through the crowd towards the exit door.
They had gone out for the night on Alicia’s suggestion. Actually, she’d said that they could maybe stink in somewhere other than the bus or a hotel room for one night. No one had had the guts to come up with a counter-argument, so… Here they were in a packed, cigarette smoke-clouded club with a shitty DJ.
Defne was fine at first; she had drunk a few beers, cooled down so good that she could actually endure the loud beat and the over-anxious colorful headlights. But as the air got dense and heavy with smoke, her eyes started to water and her throat burned.
When she was finally able to get out into open-air, she started coughing violently, tears running from her eyes. Either she had been in the smoke for so long or her lungs were getting more sensitive. She leant against the wall near the back entrance of the club and took several deep breaths to clear her lungs.
“Hey, you okay?” asked a concerned voice from her left.
“Yeah…” she responded automatically, her voice breaking painfully because of the burning in her throat. She quickly turned to see who she was talking to.
A few feet away from her, Gerard was also leaning against the wall, holding a cigarette in one hand, puffing up gray clouds into the air as he spoke.
“I thought you were suffocating or something.” he said frowning.
She shook her head. “It’s just… it was so smoky in there I couldn’t breathe for some time.”
Gerard hung his head low and stared at the cigarette in his hand for a moment. “So you ran out for some fresh air, huh?” he muttered guiltily.
“Well, yeah.” she said, not quite catching the guilty tilt in his voice.
He frowned and threw his not-nearly-finished cigarette on the ground. “Sorry. Uh, I wouldn’t wanna ruin the clear air for you…” he muttered, glancing up at her while stubbing on the cig with the heel of his shoe.
Defne’s eyes got big showing the surprise she felt at the thoughtful gesture. “Ohh, you didn’t need to do that, really… I’m okay now!”
He just shrugged.
“Thanks.” she said smiling up at him sweetly.
He glanced at her from behind the locks of dark hair that fell into his eyes. “Smoking’s bad, anyway.”
She took a couple hesitant steps towards him. “Well, then maybe you should quit it.” she said in a light-heartedly.
His eyes shot up to her face and he grinned. “Ahh, c’mon, it’s the only bad habit that’s left for me!” he protested, with a teasing look on his face. But still, there was the faintest shadow in his eyes that said it went deeper than that. The dangerous glint of something dark in the depths of those enormous honey orbs proving that when you become an addict, you stay an addict forever – maybe a recovering addict, if you’re lucky.
Defne studied his face for sometime, taking in the hidden meaning of his eyes as he unconsciously nibbled on his lip. “So, is that why you’re here alone, instead of having fun in there, then?” she asked softly.
He frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Are you running from one bad habit to find sanctuary in another one?” she asked bluntly.
Gerard blinked very slowly. His thick eyelashes fluttered uneasily. He cocked his head to one side and thought about the question for a while.
“Yeah.” he said in the end.
She just nodded.
He shrugged helplessly. “It still gets… Uhh, it just gets o-overwhelming sometimes.”
Her face was filled with compassion as she made a weird sound between a hum and a sigh. “I understand.”
“Do you?” he asked, managing to sound both hopeful and desperate at the same time.
She averted her eyes from his intense gaze and sighed. “Well, I mean, uhhh. I can never know what it truly feels like cause, you know, I-I’ve never…” she trailed off not knowing whether to continue or not.
“Been addicted to something?” Gerard finished the sentence for her.
She nodded, regretting making that first comment about him stepping outside to run from the booze to his cigarettes. Because she could see that the matter still clearly bugged him a little if not much. And the last thing she’d wanted to do was make him uncomfortable or worse… sad.
He sighed. “I’m not gonna deny the fact that I sometimes really do want the alcohol. Or the drugs. I still do, after nearly three years. But the ache starts to dull after sometime, it becomes just a buzz in the back of your head instead of a violent aching craving that conquers your whole body…”
Defne listened to him wide-eyed, her expression serious and sincere. She was trying to empathize with him and it hurt her chest to think that he had to deal with this every moment of his life. He didn’t deserve so much pain. But then, a lot of people didn’t but they still experienced it.
After a lengthy pause, Gerard gathered his thoughts around and continued. “But this is worth it.” he said. “These past three years. They’ve been hell. But not mostly. Mostly, they’ve been filled with big achievements, great shows and sparkly things. Because I was actually sober to notice those sparkles, ya know? And the greatest thing is that I remember everything… about the last three years.” He shook his head distractedly. “It’s just. Perfect. Yeah, it’s just perfect. Everything before that, it’s mostly a blur to me. Like I haven’t actually lived but I got pieces of this other person’s memories loaded up in my head. Now. Now, I can’t even understand how I managed to hold on like that…”
“Maybe with the help of the people who love you?” she offered with a tiny tentative smile.
Gerard nodded, a smile tugging at his thin lips. “Yeah. They didn’t give up on me no matter how many times I let all of them down. No matter how much pain I put them through…”
Once again, silence fell onto the conversation.
Taking a deep breath in preparation, Defne spoke in a soft, hushed tone. “That’s what friends and family are for… right? To always pick up the pieces and put them together for you even when you want to stay broken. Even when you’ve given up in yourself, they won’t give up on you. They won’t let you sink… That idea alone makes me a tad more peaceful…”
He smiled bitterly. “Hmmhmm. That’s why the booze or the drugs can’t control me anymore. Because seeing that utter disappointment engraved on the face of someone you care about is just… it’s much more painful than the ache to give in to the addiction. And you’ve only got two choices to dull that pain: To stop it or to completely give in. To risk your life time after time, to intentionally want to kill yourself because you make those beautiful people hurt with every breath you take –”
“That’s harsh.”
“But it’s the truth.” he said blatantly. “It’s how I felt back then, towards the end… But I don’t feel like that anymore. Because I walked, hell I crawled, a very long distance to be where I am, to be who I am right now. And I’m good with that.”
Defne awarded him with a shiny smile, her eyes sparkling. “You should be more than good with that, you should be fucking proud of yourself.” she said.
He blushed, ducking his head slightly. “Thanks.” he murmured shyly and began to talk facing the opposite wall absently. “So, that’s why I stepped outside, yeah. Because the alcohol had started to catch my eye furiously and even if it’s only for a fun night with friends, I know I can never touch it again… And it’s better off this way. For everyone.”
She nodded.
He suddenly grinned and turned around to fully face her. “So, let’s hear you out!”
“Huh?” she said with a look of puzzlement across her face.
“I don’t know how you did it but you made me tell you damn near my whole life story. It’s payback time!”
She laughed uneasily, shaking her head. “There’s not much to tell, really.”
“Tell me baby, what’s your story…” Gerard sang to her in a low voice, still grinning.
“Ahh, c’mon Gerard! You already know about me –”
Gerard tried to ignore the swelling of his chest at the sound of his name coming from her lips. Why did it sound so good when she said it?
“I don’t! I only know that you’re from Turkey, you’re actually an engineer and you sing so damn well. Well, plus the guitar playing. And the book reading. Ooooh, and the Freddie Mercury obsession!”
“What? I’m not obsessed with Freddie Mercury!”
“That’s not what Zack says –”
“ Arrrggggghh! Why won’t that stupid shitface stop talking about me every chance he gets?” she shouted.
Gerard smirked at her outburst. “Well, it wasn’t just him, actually. Devon was there, too.”
Her eyes widened and she made a move for the door of the building behind her, ready to go kick some ass. But Gerard grabbed her elbow and she had to stop when he whispered against her ear, forcing her to lean back against the wall with his body. “Besides, I saw you do that sexy dance while singing Another One Bites The Dust in the kitchenette.”
She got actually surprised that her cheeks hadn’t burst into flames with that statement. So she just stood there with Gerard pressed against her body, their faces mere inches apart and stared into his eyes. And she saw in them that maybe, he wasn’t simply joking about the “sexy” thing.
“Sexy?” she asked, teasing.
Gerard raised an eyebrow as he leaned towards her, closing what small distance was left between them. Defne’s gaze slid to his lips for a fraction of a second as he unconsciously licked them. She felt helpless all of a sudden. But she had never enjoyed that particular feeling before. His beautiful pale face hovered before her vision, so close that she actually couldn’t see anything else besides the opposite wall in the background. She was about to close her eyes with anticipation when...
When he suddenly pulled away. It had happened so fast that her eyes had to adjust to the galvanic change of scenery. He gave her a giant smile, displaying those sparkly little teeth, and grabbed her hand tightly. He led her towards the back entrance slowly, smiling that smile all the way.
As they tried to make their way to their booth through the packed crowd, Gerard let her hand go for one moment, only to hold her tight against him, wrapping his arm around her waist. It wasn’t really sexual but more like affectionate. When she turned to face him, she saw that he still had that impish smile plastered on his face.
There was just something about that smirkish-smile-thing. Something teasing. And just a bit knowing.
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Later that night, as they were heading towards their hotel, Defne and Alicia somehow ended up walking together – no one knew how Mikey had unfastened himself from his fiancée, but he seemed fine. Though there was a noticeable bounce in his step as he walked in front of them, talking to Gerard about something excitedly.
“I think that’s what they call ‘head over heels in love’.” stated Defne, grinning, gesturing towards Mikey.
The taller woman smiled fondly at her lover. “Yeah, he gets like that sometimes.”
Defne let out an amused breath. “He’s practically bouncing! I wouldn’t be too shocked if he starts skipping anytime, now.”
Alicia chose to stay silent this time, admiring the view in front of her. The other woman continued.
“He loves you so much… A few nights ago I saw this look on his face, you know? I guess something reminded him of you and he went all dreamy-eyed on me. He looked so peaceful and happy and complete, I guess. Or content, maybe… I can’t really describe it.”
Alicia’s gaze slid to the man beside her fiancé as they entered the hotel. “Hmmm…” she said mock-thoughtfully. “Maybe it runs in the family, then.”
The vocalist turned and gave her a puzzled look. “Huh?”
“I saw a very similar look on Gerard’s face, today.” she said.
Defne’s heart cowered behind her ribcage and sank to the bottom of her stomach slowly. She suddenly felt empty. But she picked up herself and asked in a tone she hoped was humorous.
“Oh, really? When?”
Alicia stared into her eyes with a weird look. “Oh, when he was watching you fool around with your guitar.”
Then she turned and entered the hotel lobby leaving a dumbfounded lead singer to pick up her jaw from the sidewalk.
A/N: Well, I don’t think I’ve ever written anything this long. But I hope this makes up for the very late update – ooh, I’ve got an excuse, I was sick, really really I-couldn’t-even-stare-into-the-computer-screen-sick!
I hope you like this chapter, because even though it’s long it seems a bit cut off I guess, what with the scene continuously changing and all but… well, this was all I could do! And I know, maybe I should have let them kiss, am I cruel or what?
So rate me, people! Review me! I like it, it’s like chocolate for my soul. I love chocolate xD
Alicia had kept her promise to her fiancé and miraculously showed up on the bus early one morning. She was to move onto a different tour with another band soon and she’d stopped by to spend her few off-days with Mikey.
Gerard had been the only one awake to greet her. Actually, he hadn’t even gone to bed, yet. His soon-to-be-sister-in-law had given him a big hug accompanied with a warm smile and then she’d commented on his t-shirt with a passionate “God, I hate clowns! I’d like to kill one, too.” He’d laughed at her and after some polite small talk, given her the coordinates of his brothers’ bunk. He’d watched her walk down the hall to Mikey’s bunk, pull aside the curtains softly and climb up against him – after kicking off her shoes hurriedly. He’d sighed. Deeply.
Now, the two lovers were snuggled up against each other in Mikey’s small bunk bed, exchanging affectionate caresses and heated kisses every now and then, talking quietly about random things that happened around each of them.
“I should call Brian.” Mikey said after some time, sighing.
“Why?” Alicia asked, raising one eye brow at him. Why the hell would Mikey mention his manager (meaning business) in the middle of such a nice conversation?
He just shot an impish smile at her. “I’m gonna ask him to book us hotel rooms for tonight.”
She grinned at that and squeezed her arms tighter around his body.
“Would he do that on such short notice?”
“I’m gonna tell him he’d better do it or else he’ll be getting numerous phone calls from pissed-off band-mates in the middle of the night, complaining about noise and –”
“Mikey!” she hissed her grin getting wider every second. But she still blushed shyly.
He kissed her nose. “I just missed you so much…” he murmured, while peppering kisses all over her pretty face.
She sighed contently and caught his lips against hers in one swift motion. She softly muttered into the kiss. “I missed you, too.”
They lay in each others’ arms for some time in silence, until something occurred to Alicia.
“Mikey?”
“Hmm?”
“Gerard was awake when I got on the bus.” she said looking up at him.
“He was?” Mikey asked, surprised.
She nodded against her chest. “Yeah… I think he might have not gone to bed at all, I mean, it was really early…”
Mikey frowned. “Maybe.” he muttered.
She shot a worried glance at her fiancé. “Is… Umm… Is something wrong with him?” she asked tentatively.
He shook his head thoughtfully. “No. I. Actually, I don’t know… He didn’t tell me anything. And I, I didn’t notice anything weird to ask him about it…”
Alicia studied his face and saw the slightest worry around the handsome young features. “Okay, then…” she said, with an air of finality. “He probably drank too much coffee, huh?”
That reminded Mikey off a few nights before and he grinned immediately. “Ohhhh! Maybe there is something!” he started enthusiastically. “Maybe he just didn’t wanna sleep alone.” And at her confused expression, he quickly explained what had happened that night.
After he finished his story, she joined him at the grinning. “So, new-found love, huh?”
“Well, yeah, actually. But they’re both still in denial-mode.” he said. “You wouldn’t have wanted to witness that awkward waking-up moment!”
“I think I would!” she said, smirking devilishly.
“Oh, yeah, I nearly forgot you were a bit of a sadist.” That earned him a punch in the stomach but he just laughed. “Okay, then, you should have seen it. In some point during their slumber, they had somehow managed to actually lie down on the booth, Gerard half on top of Defne. We were all watching them to see what would happen when one of them woke up, you know?” Now, he had an amused glint in his eyes, his lips curving upwards in a big smile, his breaths quickened with excitement. “And finally, Gerard did, yawning and stretching. And suddenly all his movements stopped – like in the movies! – I think it was that moment he got fully aware of on top of whom he was lying. He woke the poor girl up trying to get off of her. God, it was priceless! He actually ran off to not have to deal with us…”
Alicia actually giggled at the sight that came before her eyes: A disheveled Gerard trying to scramble to his feet as quickly as possible, his cheeks reddening with embarrassment.
“What did she do?” she asked after managing to calm down.
“Well, she blushed a lot, stammered for some time and then blamed me for leaving them there like that.”
“Hah, she was right. You’re evil!” Alicia said, narrowing her eyes at him.
“I knew you’d be on her side.” he said, trying to give her a fake pout but grinning instead. “I’ll introduce you two later. I think you’d get along well.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. When I’m willing to let you out of my reach for half an hour, you two can hang out and do girly things – I doubt what those would be if the girls are going to be you and Defne, but –”
She punched him again and rolled them over to lie on top of him. She shot him a hazy look. “I’ll show you some girly things I can do.” Then she slowly slid down his body.
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Gerard was seated at the back-lounge, sketching the dreams he hadn’t been able to see due to lack of sleep. He was in the middle of drawing an elf-like creature’s lean legs when he heard the faint sounds of someone playing the guitar. He craned his neck backwards to see Ray and Frank’s gazes fixed on the laptop screen – they were totally absorbed in World of Warcraft. Of course there was still a whole bunch of other people who could be playing.
The vocalist stood up and linked his hands together, raising his arms above his head and stretching until he stood on his tiptoes and his spine gave little cracks. He ruffled his messy locks while trying to scratch the back of his head and started for the little studio area to go bug the mysterious guitar player.
He came to a halt in the doorway as he saw her.
Defne sat perched on the side of a chair, hugging her Les Paul BFG close to her body, strumming some random chords, adding a few notes to try out new tunes every once in a while. She hummed along with the tune for some time. And then she did some well-known Stetina speed-mechanics exercises to warm up her fingers.
Gerard watched her the whole time because, wow, she looked beautiful. Her hair was hanging loose, framing the pretty oval of her face, the longer locks grazing over the smoky black-and-gray edges of the mahogany body of the guitar. He couldn’t exactly make out the expression on her face because he could only see her profile from where he was standing. But she seemed to have absolutely lost herself in the melody she created with the graceful instrument in her hands. It was clear that she was improvising – her fingers never seemed to follow the exact pattern of a memorized melody – when she broke into a solo in which Gerard assumed to be D minor. Her voice accompanied the sound of the guitar as best as it could, humming softly. Gerard noticed she started avoiding the notes she couldn’t generate with her vocal chords, after some time. It was almost like she was playing a song built with hums instead of words, as lyrics.
His face broke into a smooth smile, unconsciously, and he continued watching her.
That’s how Alicia found him: Leaning against the door of the small room, smiling to himself contently. His gaze focused on one point – person – in the room. She considered waking him up from his daydream but decided against it when she finally saw who he was looking at. Her lips curved into a grin as she recognized the girl she had been previously introduced to as Defne. Hah, Mikey was right after all, Gerard was definitely falling for her.
Alicia slowly moved away from the oblivious couple – in order to keep them oblivious to her presence, that is. She zoomed out of the scene and studied Gerard’s face closely. She noticed the peaceful look that adorned his graceful features. The few lines on his face had vanished from sight and he looked totally untroubled. Lips slightly apart, eyelids heavy, brows tilted upwards in something close to appreciation: Affection written all over his bright expression.
She just smiled and shook her head, making her way back to the front-lounge where she planned to cuddle with the other Way-brother.
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Defne still hadn’t noticed Gerard when she started playing Disenchanted. She had struck a few notes while improvising and they had reminded her of that particular song so she had decided to play it. She didn’t think the two guitarists who originally played the song would come to criticize her – she had seen them cross over to fantasy world earlier – so she was calm and confident in her playing.
She hadn’t expected the original vocalist to show up, either, that’s why she was so startled when Gerard broke into the song, absentmindedly. It was probably a conditioned reflex; he had sung the song for so many times, he couldn’t help himself this time.
As she turned towards the doorway to look at him, she accidentally missed a few notes but covered it up quickly when Gerard smiled at her through the words he was singing. She stared into his eyes and joined him with the singing.
“If I’m so wrong, so wrong, so wrong
How can you listen
All night long, night long, night long
Now will it matter
After I’m gone
Because you never learn a goddamned thing”
He shut the door silently and walked up to stand closer to her, still singing, still keeping his gaze locked with hers.
“You’re just a sad song
With nothing to say
About a life long
Wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I’m wrong
This never meant nothing to you…”
Defne wondered if she should stop playing but Gerard began the second verse, signaling her to keep playing.
“I spent my high school career
Spit on and shoved to agree
So I could watch all my heroes
Sell a car on TV
Bring out the old guillotine
We'll show 'em what we all mean.”
“Yeah yeah, oh” she sang.
“If I’m so wrong, so wrong, so wrong
How can you listen
All night long, night long, night long
Now will it matter
After I’m gone
Because you never learn a goddamned thing”
“You’re just a sad song
With nothing to say
About a life long
Wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I’m wrong
This never meant nothing to you…”
Her fingers strained with the effort she put into playing the solo.
“So go, go away, just go, run, run away.
But where did you run to? And where did you hide?
Go find another way, price you pay…”
They sang the chorus one more time and Defne moved onto the outro, plucking the strings softer this time. She slowly ended the song as Gerard’s clear, smooth voice rang in the room.
“At all…”
She stole a look at him and then quickly averted her gaze and fixed it on her lap, hugging her guitar to her body tightly.
Gerard came and kneeled before her. He smiled up into her face and asked.
“What’re you thinking?”
“Ummm… That was really good?”
He nodded. “Yeah, I didn’t know you played so well…”
“I don’t. I mean, uhh, it’s nothing compared to the real thing –”
“Aww, come on! Believe me, I was there when this song was just a skeleton. ” He winked at her. “This is the best you can do with only one guitar in clean tone.”
She smiled up at him, beaming. “Thank you… You know, you guys should consider doing an acoustic performance of this song, it’d be beautiful.”
“Yeah?” he asked, his head tilted to one side curiously.
She nodded. “Yepp! I just can’t resist that melody. It would sound... uhh, purer, I guess, with an acoustic guitar. That’d be really amazing…” she said dreamily.
He blinked up at her and smiled. “Who knows? Maybe we’ll do that some time…”
They sat together in silence after that: Gerard kneeling in front of Defne, his hands resting on her knees. Defne broke the silence when something occurred to her.
“So, how long have you been spying on me play the guitar, hmm?” she asked him, her eyes narrowing in mock suspiciousness.
To her surprise, Gerard blushed modestly and averted his gaze. “Umm…”
Her eyes widened in horror. Had she been so lost in the music to not have noticed him watching her for so long? “Oh, no! Don’t tell me you heard everything! ”
His big hazel doe eyes focused on her face as he fluttered his eyelashes innocently.
“Ummm. Okay. I didn’t.”
She just shook her head.
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“Deff, We’re heading over to the bar, you want anything?”
“Nahh, thanks. I’m gonna get outside for a bit. I can’t breathe in here.” Defne responded, standing up. She watched Devon and Zack walk away and started making her way through the crowd towards the exit door.
They had gone out for the night on Alicia’s suggestion. Actually, she’d said that they could maybe stink in somewhere other than the bus or a hotel room for one night. No one had had the guts to come up with a counter-argument, so… Here they were in a packed, cigarette smoke-clouded club with a shitty DJ.
Defne was fine at first; she had drunk a few beers, cooled down so good that she could actually endure the loud beat and the over-anxious colorful headlights. But as the air got dense and heavy with smoke, her eyes started to water and her throat burned.
When she was finally able to get out into open-air, she started coughing violently, tears running from her eyes. Either she had been in the smoke for so long or her lungs were getting more sensitive. She leant against the wall near the back entrance of the club and took several deep breaths to clear her lungs.
“Hey, you okay?” asked a concerned voice from her left.
“Yeah…” she responded automatically, her voice breaking painfully because of the burning in her throat. She quickly turned to see who she was talking to.
A few feet away from her, Gerard was also leaning against the wall, holding a cigarette in one hand, puffing up gray clouds into the air as he spoke.
“I thought you were suffocating or something.” he said frowning.
She shook her head. “It’s just… it was so smoky in there I couldn’t breathe for some time.”
Gerard hung his head low and stared at the cigarette in his hand for a moment. “So you ran out for some fresh air, huh?” he muttered guiltily.
“Well, yeah.” she said, not quite catching the guilty tilt in his voice.
He frowned and threw his not-nearly-finished cigarette on the ground. “Sorry. Uh, I wouldn’t wanna ruin the clear air for you…” he muttered, glancing up at her while stubbing on the cig with the heel of his shoe.
Defne’s eyes got big showing the surprise she felt at the thoughtful gesture. “Ohh, you didn’t need to do that, really… I’m okay now!”
He just shrugged.
“Thanks.” she said smiling up at him sweetly.
He glanced at her from behind the locks of dark hair that fell into his eyes. “Smoking’s bad, anyway.”
She took a couple hesitant steps towards him. “Well, then maybe you should quit it.” she said in a light-heartedly.
His eyes shot up to her face and he grinned. “Ahh, c’mon, it’s the only bad habit that’s left for me!” he protested, with a teasing look on his face. But still, there was the faintest shadow in his eyes that said it went deeper than that. The dangerous glint of something dark in the depths of those enormous honey orbs proving that when you become an addict, you stay an addict forever – maybe a recovering addict, if you’re lucky.
Defne studied his face for sometime, taking in the hidden meaning of his eyes as he unconsciously nibbled on his lip. “So, is that why you’re here alone, instead of having fun in there, then?” she asked softly.
He frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Are you running from one bad habit to find sanctuary in another one?” she asked bluntly.
Gerard blinked very slowly. His thick eyelashes fluttered uneasily. He cocked his head to one side and thought about the question for a while.
“Yeah.” he said in the end.
She just nodded.
He shrugged helplessly. “It still gets… Uhh, it just gets o-overwhelming sometimes.”
Her face was filled with compassion as she made a weird sound between a hum and a sigh. “I understand.”
“Do you?” he asked, managing to sound both hopeful and desperate at the same time.
She averted her eyes from his intense gaze and sighed. “Well, I mean, uhhh. I can never know what it truly feels like cause, you know, I-I’ve never…” she trailed off not knowing whether to continue or not.
“Been addicted to something?” Gerard finished the sentence for her.
She nodded, regretting making that first comment about him stepping outside to run from the booze to his cigarettes. Because she could see that the matter still clearly bugged him a little if not much. And the last thing she’d wanted to do was make him uncomfortable or worse… sad.
He sighed. “I’m not gonna deny the fact that I sometimes really do want the alcohol. Or the drugs. I still do, after nearly three years. But the ache starts to dull after sometime, it becomes just a buzz in the back of your head instead of a violent aching craving that conquers your whole body…”
Defne listened to him wide-eyed, her expression serious and sincere. She was trying to empathize with him and it hurt her chest to think that he had to deal with this every moment of his life. He didn’t deserve so much pain. But then, a lot of people didn’t but they still experienced it.
After a lengthy pause, Gerard gathered his thoughts around and continued. “But this is worth it.” he said. “These past three years. They’ve been hell. But not mostly. Mostly, they’ve been filled with big achievements, great shows and sparkly things. Because I was actually sober to notice those sparkles, ya know? And the greatest thing is that I remember everything… about the last three years.” He shook his head distractedly. “It’s just. Perfect. Yeah, it’s just perfect. Everything before that, it’s mostly a blur to me. Like I haven’t actually lived but I got pieces of this other person’s memories loaded up in my head. Now. Now, I can’t even understand how I managed to hold on like that…”
“Maybe with the help of the people who love you?” she offered with a tiny tentative smile.
Gerard nodded, a smile tugging at his thin lips. “Yeah. They didn’t give up on me no matter how many times I let all of them down. No matter how much pain I put them through…”
Once again, silence fell onto the conversation.
Taking a deep breath in preparation, Defne spoke in a soft, hushed tone. “That’s what friends and family are for… right? To always pick up the pieces and put them together for you even when you want to stay broken. Even when you’ve given up in yourself, they won’t give up on you. They won’t let you sink… That idea alone makes me a tad more peaceful…”
He smiled bitterly. “Hmmhmm. That’s why the booze or the drugs can’t control me anymore. Because seeing that utter disappointment engraved on the face of someone you care about is just… it’s much more painful than the ache to give in to the addiction. And you’ve only got two choices to dull that pain: To stop it or to completely give in. To risk your life time after time, to intentionally want to kill yourself because you make those beautiful people hurt with every breath you take –”
“That’s harsh.”
“But it’s the truth.” he said blatantly. “It’s how I felt back then, towards the end… But I don’t feel like that anymore. Because I walked, hell I crawled, a very long distance to be where I am, to be who I am right now. And I’m good with that.”
Defne awarded him with a shiny smile, her eyes sparkling. “You should be more than good with that, you should be fucking proud of yourself.” she said.
He blushed, ducking his head slightly. “Thanks.” he murmured shyly and began to talk facing the opposite wall absently. “So, that’s why I stepped outside, yeah. Because the alcohol had started to catch my eye furiously and even if it’s only for a fun night with friends, I know I can never touch it again… And it’s better off this way. For everyone.”
She nodded.
He suddenly grinned and turned around to fully face her. “So, let’s hear you out!”
“Huh?” she said with a look of puzzlement across her face.
“I don’t know how you did it but you made me tell you damn near my whole life story. It’s payback time!”
She laughed uneasily, shaking her head. “There’s not much to tell, really.”
“Tell me baby, what’s your story…” Gerard sang to her in a low voice, still grinning.
“Ahh, c’mon Gerard! You already know about me –”
Gerard tried to ignore the swelling of his chest at the sound of his name coming from her lips. Why did it sound so good when she said it?
“I don’t! I only know that you’re from Turkey, you’re actually an engineer and you sing so damn well. Well, plus the guitar playing. And the book reading. Ooooh, and the Freddie Mercury obsession!”
“What? I’m not obsessed with Freddie Mercury!”
“That’s not what Zack says –”
“ Arrrggggghh! Why won’t that stupid shitface stop talking about me every chance he gets?” she shouted.
Gerard smirked at her outburst. “Well, it wasn’t just him, actually. Devon was there, too.”
Her eyes widened and she made a move for the door of the building behind her, ready to go kick some ass. But Gerard grabbed her elbow and she had to stop when he whispered against her ear, forcing her to lean back against the wall with his body. “Besides, I saw you do that sexy dance while singing Another One Bites The Dust in the kitchenette.”
She got actually surprised that her cheeks hadn’t burst into flames with that statement. So she just stood there with Gerard pressed against her body, their faces mere inches apart and stared into his eyes. And she saw in them that maybe, he wasn’t simply joking about the “sexy” thing.
“Sexy?” she asked, teasing.
Gerard raised an eyebrow as he leaned towards her, closing what small distance was left between them. Defne’s gaze slid to his lips for a fraction of a second as he unconsciously licked them. She felt helpless all of a sudden. But she had never enjoyed that particular feeling before. His beautiful pale face hovered before her vision, so close that she actually couldn’t see anything else besides the opposite wall in the background. She was about to close her eyes with anticipation when...
When he suddenly pulled away. It had happened so fast that her eyes had to adjust to the galvanic change of scenery. He gave her a giant smile, displaying those sparkly little teeth, and grabbed her hand tightly. He led her towards the back entrance slowly, smiling that smile all the way.
As they tried to make their way to their booth through the packed crowd, Gerard let her hand go for one moment, only to hold her tight against him, wrapping his arm around her waist. It wasn’t really sexual but more like affectionate. When she turned to face him, she saw that he still had that impish smile plastered on his face.
There was just something about that smirkish-smile-thing. Something teasing. And just a bit knowing.
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Later that night, as they were heading towards their hotel, Defne and Alicia somehow ended up walking together – no one knew how Mikey had unfastened himself from his fiancée, but he seemed fine. Though there was a noticeable bounce in his step as he walked in front of them, talking to Gerard about something excitedly.
“I think that’s what they call ‘head over heels in love’.” stated Defne, grinning, gesturing towards Mikey.
The taller woman smiled fondly at her lover. “Yeah, he gets like that sometimes.”
Defne let out an amused breath. “He’s practically bouncing! I wouldn’t be too shocked if he starts skipping anytime, now.”
Alicia chose to stay silent this time, admiring the view in front of her. The other woman continued.
“He loves you so much… A few nights ago I saw this look on his face, you know? I guess something reminded him of you and he went all dreamy-eyed on me. He looked so peaceful and happy and complete, I guess. Or content, maybe… I can’t really describe it.”
Alicia’s gaze slid to the man beside her fiancé as they entered the hotel. “Hmmm…” she said mock-thoughtfully. “Maybe it runs in the family, then.”
The vocalist turned and gave her a puzzled look. “Huh?”
“I saw a very similar look on Gerard’s face, today.” she said.
Defne’s heart cowered behind her ribcage and sank to the bottom of her stomach slowly. She suddenly felt empty. But she picked up herself and asked in a tone she hoped was humorous.
“Oh, really? When?”
Alicia stared into her eyes with a weird look. “Oh, when he was watching you fool around with your guitar.”
Then she turned and entered the hotel lobby leaving a dumbfounded lead singer to pick up her jaw from the sidewalk.
A/N: Well, I don’t think I’ve ever written anything this long. But I hope this makes up for the very late update – ooh, I’ve got an excuse, I was sick, really really I-couldn’t-even-stare-into-the-computer-screen-sick!
I hope you like this chapter, because even though it’s long it seems a bit cut off I guess, what with the scene continuously changing and all but… well, this was all I could do! And I know, maybe I should have let them kiss, am I cruel or what?
So rate me, people! Review me! I like it, it’s like chocolate for my soul. I love chocolate xD
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