Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Soul Purpose

Nauseous Part 2

by asherschick 5 reviews

Who grabbed Defne from behind? :O

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: R - Genres: Drama,Humor,Romance - Characters: Bob Bryar,Frank Iero,Gerard Way,Mikey Way,Ray Toro - Published: 2008-03-13 - Updated: 2008-03-13 - 3722 words

18. Nauseous Part 2

Defne was too shocked to move for a moment. Then she started to struggle violently, trying to twist out of the grip of the person behind her. “Get off!” she screamed.

But he didn’t let her go. He circled her with his arms, trying desperately to keep her body in control. After taking a sharp elbow in the gut, he finally started talking to her. “Defne! Defne! Calm down.”

She shook her head. “Don’t touch me!”

He chanted softly in her ear. “Deff, hey, Defne… Calm down, just chill, okay? It’s me. Gerard. Yeah… Gerard. I’m here.”

She finally recognized his voice and willed her body to chill. She couldn’t breathe properly, her chest rose and fell so fast that she could feel the muscles ache from the action. She couldn’t stop the violent shaking of her body, either.

Gerard’s hand came to stroke her cheek with feathery brushes of fingertips and he spoke to her in a soft tone. “Take a deep breath. Try to relax, okay? You’re going to hyperventilate if not. Just take one, slow, deep breath.”

She nodded, her whole body shaking from head to toe. And she complied, opening her mouth wide to let the air in.

“Let it out now.” Gerard continued soothingly. His voice traveled along her neck from her ear to her collarbone and she couldn’t help but shiver a little at the tickling feeling. She exhaled slowly. Gerard made her take a few more breaths before he was convinced she would be okay.

Finally, he loosened his grip on her – but he still didn’t let her go – and turned her in his arms to face her. He held her upper arms, keeping her close to himself and stared into her dark eyes. She could only meet his gaze and shake under his hands.

“What happened?” he asked, when he thought she was calm enough to tell.

A tremor ran through her body and her eyes fell to the man lying motionless on the ground. Gerard’s gaze followed hers to stop on the same spot. His perfectly shaped brows formed into a frown and his lips opened into a tiny “O”.

“What did he… Did he, did he do s-something to you?” he asked nervously.

He stared at her in horror when he didn’t get any response to his question. She just kept gazing at the man on the ground, her mouth twisted hatefully. Her eyes flashing dangerously.

Gerard swallowed the lump in his throat and touched her chin softly with two fingers. She blinked at the sudden contact and shivered again, turning her eyes back to him. He realized she hadn’t heard his question from the blank look in her eyes. So he tried to repeat it. “Did he –”

Her head moved first to the right and then to the left silently. “Bastard…” she muttered once again. “He tried to. To… But I. I beat him.”

The front-man let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding and gathered her a little closer in his arms. He struggled to give her a tiny smile. “Knew you’d kick ass…” he muttered.

She would have laughed but only a tiny gasp escaped her lips. Gerard tilted his head to the side as he examined her, the way dogs and birds do when they want to figure something out. He realized she was still trembling under his hands.

“You’re shaking.” he stated softly, running the back of his hand against her full cheek.

Defne shrugged. She couldn’t help it. “I. I c-can’t stop it.” she stammered.

So he pulled her into his arms, slowly and cautiously incase she resented the touch and wanted to get away from him.

But she didn’t and he placed her safely against his body. Every curve and hollow fitting perfectly. Her head resting on his shoulder safely. He handled her in such a delicate way, as if he was afraid she would fall apart in his hands. She was still shaking as he finally wrapped his arms tighter around her small frame. She let out another tremble and he tightened his hold protectively.

“It’s okay.” he muttered into her hair and she nodded against his shoulder.

One of his hands shot up to stroke her hair softly to help her calm down and feel safe. He combed his fingers through the unruly locks, smoothing out the tangles carefully. She slowly let herself relax under his touch and settled more comfortably against him. She nestled her head under his chin, resting it on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. She let out a shaky sigh. He kept whispering sweetly in her ear all the time. Even if she didn’t hear him properly, just the sound of his voice was enough to soothe her.

Defne’s shaking finally came to a stop as the adrenaline left her bloodstream. She clung to Gerard for a few precious moments before realizing the metallic taste on her tongue. Scrunching her face in distaste, she lifted her head up from his chest. He saw her expression and asked. “What? What is it?”

She opened and closed her mouth for a few times, trying to get rid of the revolting taste that stubbornly lingered. Then Gerard’s eyes slid to her right and stared over her shoulder onto the ground. And she saw the most terrific expression she had ever seen on his face. His normally honey-coated eyes had gone strangely glassy but you could still see something caged behind the shiny exterior – something hot and burning and deadly. His lips had thinned even more, like the skin of a dog’s mouth drawing away, showing it’s fangs as it’d snarl at you. And then came the sound from deep within his throat, a weird sound halfway between a growl and a cry.

Defne turned back to see what he was looking at, knowing the answer already. The man on the ground had somehow gained consciousness again and he was now struggling to get up. She had the chance to see what she had truly done to him for the first time, without rage and revenge flowing through her veins.

The man’s face was reduced to a bloody pulp, blood still flowing freely from his half open mouth. His nose seemed a bit misshaped, she had probably kicked and broken his nose – that might have been the reason his mouth was open: he was trying to breathe. There were numerous other cuts and bruises on his face and body where she had kicked or where he had scraped against the ground.

He couldn’t stand up in his first couple attempts and Gerard stopped making that hair-rising sound in order to talk.

“Get the fuckin’ hell outa here.” he barked, his accent kicking in more than ever.

The man stumbled and fell onto the ground once again.

“Fuckin’ now!” Gerard screamed at him.

This time, he didn’t fall and managed to escape the parking lot, limping and grabbing his side with his hands – he never looked back.

“Son of a bitch” the front-man muttered heatedly. “Such a petty excuse for a man –”

He stopped his sentence in the middle as he saw that Defne had one hand clamped over her mouth. She met his eyes for one moment before turning back and running into he building nearby.

Gerard hesitated for a second before taking off right after her.

Defne managed to reach the restroom and kicked the door open hurriedly. She rushed over to a cubicle and dropped to her knees in front of the toilet, throwing up what little food she had in her stomach. She was still heaving and shaking when she felt a cool hand at the back of her neck. She managed to take a breath enough to sigh out loud. She flushed the toilet and leaned back as another cool hand was placed over her forehead.

“How do you feel now?” asked Gerard after giving her a few moments to gather herself together.

She leaned her back against his chest. “Fine.” she said. “I’m fine. I. I just… I h-had the taste of h-his blood on my m-mouth. Disgusting.”

He combed her bangs away from her forehead as he muttered. “I understand.”

“I n-need to wash my mouth.”

“Oh, okay.” he said and made a move to help her get to her feet. But she stood up on her own, a little shaky but still stating stubbornly: “I’m fine.”

She carefully rinsed the flavor of puke and blood out of her mouth as Gerard stood by her side patiently. She stared at herself in the mirror critically. She looked like she’d had too much to drink, out in the cold weather: Deathly pale and slightly sweaty. She spoke addressing Gerard’s reflection, having just realized something.

“Gerard, you know, I think this is the ladies’ room.” She smiled a small smile at him in an attempt of humor.

He just shook his head with a serious expression on his face. “I don’t care.” And then he added as an afterthought. “Besides, I’ve been a chick before, you should see me as one. I was hot.”

She let out a breathy chuckle, tearing a piece of paper towel to dry her face with.

“I’m sorry.” Gerard said suddenly, his voice full of guilt and sorrow.

She slowly turned her head to give him a dark look. She didn’t need him to feel sorry about what almost happened to her. “For what?” she breathed out.

“For…For.” He couldn’t continue. He just hung his head low and sighed deeply, scratching at his neck.

She waited silently for him to go on.

He took a big breath and composed himself before beginning. “I actually… I. I saw you sooner.”

Her eyes widened at that.

“No no no no no noooo! I don’t mean like. I mean, not when he, uhmm, he attacked you. But. But when I got off the bus I saw you kick him in the face. I saw him fall to the ground. And I couldn’t do anything. I just… I was so. So shocked to see, see something like that.” He stared at her with pleading eyes. “I’m sorry. I should have reacted sooner. I. I s-should have c-come sooner…”

She took a few steps to cover the distance between them. “It wouldn’t have changed a thing.” she said, standing right in front of him.

“I just. I just can’t help b-but think that… I wouldn’t have been able to act quickly even if I saw, saw him hu-hurting you, you kno –”

“Don’t say that!”

“No! I. I really don’t know what I would have done, Defne.” he said helplessly. “There’s that possibility that I would lose precious time standing there shocked like that.”

She cupped his hands with her smaller ones. “So what?” she asked. “You’re no Knight in Shining Armor.” She gave him a warm smile.

He stared at their clasped hands for some time before muttering shyly. “Yeah, I’ve never been one…”

Her smile grew bigger. “That’s okay. I’ve never been good at the Damsel in Distress thing, either.”

Gerard squeezed her hands and smiled in response. “Yeah, I kinda noticed.”

She chuckled at that but her eyes clouded over. He didn’t fail to notice her sudden mood swing.

She stared at the tiled floor as she began to speak hesitantly. “You, ummm. You arrived just on time, actually. I. I don’t know w-what I would’ve done if it wasn’t for you…”

He lifted her chin up gently in order to maintain eye contact. “You wouldn’t have done anything –”

“No” she shook her head in one swift motion. “You. You don’t know how I… what I felt right then. I mean, I. I get pissed really easily, you should already know that. And I stay angry for some time. But… I’ve never felt anything like that ever before. I think I was literally seeing red or maybe not seeing anything at all. I felt rage. And pure hatred. And I wanted revenge. My body ached for it, my knuckles tingled with the intensity of the desire to hit him.”

The remembered emotions resurfaced for a moment and Gerard saw something furious in her eyes. He noticed her fists had clenched involuntarily. She seemed to be both here and back in those past moments at the same time.

“I wanted to make him bleed.” she stated coldly, her voice devoid of any kind of humane feeling. “I wanted, no, I demanded payment in return for the terror I felt. I wanted him to feel as helpless and weak as I felt for a few moments there. I wanted his blood.”

She ducked her head in embarrassment. She hadn’t meant to be so open about this to him. And now she was worried he would think she was insane or worse, heartless and cruel. “It was scary.” she muttered almost inaudibly. Gerard only managed to pick up her words thanks to the good acoustics of the bathroom. “I lost it. Completely. I only realized what I did to that man when he was trying to sit up before, you know? I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much real blood…” she shook her head again.

She looked up at him, her eyes huge with the effort to keep them dry. “I didn’t know what I was doing. And it was scary. Having no control over yourself. Not remembering… I – I’ve never gone blind with rage, before. I mean, I get all shaky and adrenaline-pumped and I scream and hit and kick but this… ” She averted her gaze once more, afraid to say what she was going to say while staring into his eyes. She was afraid there would be something in her eyes that would draw him away.

“I could have killed that man –”

“No, don’t –”

“Easily –”

“You wouldn’ –”

“I would.”

“It’s not that easy –”

“Thanks to you.

Gerard fell silent after those last words of hers. He sighed and studied her. She looked tired. Extremely tired. Exhausted. Her shoulders were hunched and the usually happy lines of her face had vanished from sight. He watched one stubborn tear she couldn’t keep from falling, make its way across her pale cheek to her chin. Her eyes screamed that they had seen too much in too little time so that they just wanted to stay closed for a while.

He couldn’t find anything to say in the presence of such strong emotion so he settled for draping his arms around her, instead. She sank into his body once more and sighed to have found a measure of peace in the end. Her confession, letting all those dark and dangerous feelings out, had felt so good that she could swear a great weight had lifted off of her.

He spoke when he could, finally. “I know how it feels like. Rage. Revenge. And it’s okay. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re not a good person.”

Defne rested her chin against his chest and looked up at him, as he stared down at her. She gave him a grateful small smile.

“Are you all right?” he asked. “Are you gonna be able to make the show?”

She nodded. “I’m all right.” she said with conviction, trying to reassure both him and herself. “I wanna go up on stage.”

“You sure?” he asked hesitantly.

“Sure.” she stated solely.

Gerard’s hand unconsciously wrapped around her hair as he was stroking it and Defne let out a soft sigh. She drew away from his chest a fraction of an inch just to see his face more clearly. His eyes were clouded with affection and warmth as he stared down at her. Her heart leapt at the sight of it. She wondered if this was the look Alicia was talking about because if it was… If it was, then… it was just perfect.

She blinked huge dark eyes at him and pulled herself to her full height to strengthen the eye contact. Her hand shot up to cup along his jaw line, her thumb caressing his cheek absently. And Gerard dipped his head towards her at the pleasant touch. She couldn’t help but be drawn to his lips, now. And he seemed to feel the same way as he closed what little distance there was between their faces.

He captured her lips between his, gently. Her eyes fell shut and his flickered shut as well. They moved tentatively, lips brushing against one another softly. Examining. Feeling. Testing. Getting acquainted with each other.

Defne planted her hands on both sides of his head, handling him like a precious artifact, as his fingers found their playground between her cheek and her neck, one of his hands still holding onto her tangled hair. She let out a soft cry as he took her bottom lip between his and tugged at it. He pulled a hair’s breath away to plant a tiny kiss against the little hollow between her mouth and her nose. And then he started peppering feathery light kisses against the sides of her mouth and her chin. When she couldn’t take it anymore, she turned her head sharply to cover his lips with her own once again.


Gerard let out a tiny sound close to a whine but he didn’t stop what he was doing.

“Defne! Where the hell are you?” Zack’s voice resonated in the hallway at the other side of the door.

Defne’s eyes shot open and she reluctantly pulled away from the kiss. She stared at the beautiful man in front of her for a fraction of a moment, but she cast away her gaze as he opened his eyes.

Gerard frowned. Why would she avoid looking at him? He suddenly realized what a stupid thing he had done. He had kissed the girl right after she had been sexually assaulted! But she hadn’t pushed him away or anything… Still, there was the possibility that she hadn’t enjoyed it as much as he had. Stumbling sheepishly on his words, he tried to apologize.

“Ummm. I. T-this p-probably wasn’t what you –”

She covered his mouth with her fingers. “Shhh” she whispered. “Don’t.”

“I gotta go.” she told him almost in a sorry manner and she looked into his eyes for one last time before making her way out of the bathroom.

Gerard stood there for a long time, staring at the door behind which she disappeared and thought about her words. What had she really meant? Don’t talk? Don’t apologize? Don’t make a noise? Don’t what?


Soul Purpose showed a different side of themselves, that night. Vicious was the most suitable word to describe the performance. Defne was a whole lot more aggressive than her usual self. Her movements were sharper than ever but still perfectly synchronized with the beat. One minute her voice would move smoothly over the audience like ice melting on hot skin. Then, she’d start to scream in a very close resemblance of a strong brutal vocal and the hairs on the back of people’s necks would rise.

This new type of aggressive energy was contagious and soon her bandmates were affected by it as well. So that the crowd was dumbfounded when everything was over in the end.

Noone had seen them live and raw like that.


Gerard didn’t even attempt to go to bed when they were finally back in the sanctuary of the bus. As everyone went straight to dig their heads into their respective pillows, he stayed behind silently. Thoughts were running and flying around every corner of his pretty head. He couldn’t possibly sleep in such a condition.

So he sat on the couch and reflected upon the events of the night. But he always kept coming to the same point in the end: He had kissed her. Yeah, he had finally kissed Defne for real. And she hadn’t pulled back or pushed him away. It had felt so good that his hand shot up unconsciously to touch his lips lightly at the memory. He trailed his index finger along his bottom lip and sighed, thinking of her body pressed so close to his, her gorgeous hair wrapped around his hand and her sweet smelling lips on his.

As if summoned by his very thoughts, the other vocalist walked in. She stood in the doorway and squinted at the light for a moment. She was dressed for bed, wearing black sweatpants and an old Nirvana t-shirt. She loosely clung to the blanket wrapped around her shoulders.

“Hey” Gerard greeted her, smiling at the cute sight of her small frame wrapped up in a blanket.

“Hey” she said in a low voice. She looked like she wanted to say something else but she was shying away from it.

Gerard bravely asked. “You got trouble sleeping?”

She gave a hesitant nod. “A bit.”

He patted the seat next to him wordlessly and she came to him willingly as if that was the signal she was waiting for. She settled against his side comfortably and offered him her blanket. He draped it over both of their bodies and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her just a little closer. She dropped her head onto his chest, her hands tucked under her chin safely, and closed her eyes.

They both fell asleep to the sound of the other’s breathing.

A/N: Sooooo, here’s the kiss I think everyone wanted. I know, 18 chapters is a hell of a wait. But, was it worth it?

You know, I was actually supposed to be studying but instead I wrote this chapter. So, I hope you like it =) I guess this is what happens when I get so many nice reviews, so keep them coming! (I’ll love you more ;))

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