Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Soul Purpose


by asherschick 9 reviews

Thanks for the so nice reviews, guys =D And I know I'm late, but it's all in the author's note... Was someone talking about weirdness? :P

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Drama,Humor,Romance - Characters: Bob Bryar,Frank Iero,Gerard Way,Mikey Way,Ray Toro - Published: 2008-03-22 - Updated: 2008-03-23 - 3199 words

19. Snowflake

"Fall asleep to the sound
of your breathing in my ear
Sleep the dark dreamless sleep of the dead

For this once we'll have company when we wake up alone again"

Wake Up Alone – American Steel

Tour went on as fast and tiring as it always did. And Defne had to push the memories to the vagueness of the back of her mind, in order to catch up with the day. She hadn’t been able to fall asleep that first night, faces and colors swimming around in front of her closed eyelids, her own voice screaming in her ears and the faint smell of blood filling her nostrils with every breath. But then Gerard was there. He had been warm and soft and caring. And she had only felt safe when he had tucked her close against his body.

In the morning, she had woken trapped between the couch and Gerard’s sleeping figure. Even in his sleep, his arms were wrapped around her, his body draped over hers in a protective manner. She had smiled and breathed in his unique scent, basking in the glory of the feelings he awoke in her. Then she’d struggled to get up without waking him. She still didn’t know why she did that. Sometimes she thought she should have stayed and waited for him to wake up. Maybe he would have kissed her again? She could never know, now. She could only dream about it. But dreams can’t hurt you, unfulfilled wishes can. So she had practically ran away from him not wanting a repeat of the awkwardness they had experienced before, when they’d fallen asleep on the booth. She had walked away, with the taste of his lips on hers, still somehow lingering in her mouth and metaphysically taunting her. Probably just because of the vivid memory of it.

When Gerard had woken to the empty space beside him on the couch, his stomach had clenched in a tight knot. She hadn’t stayed. But he had had no idea she had carefully tucked him back in the blanket and stood over his angelic sleeping form for more than just a few minutes, drinking him in. Disappointment had run miserably under his skin, making him blink up blankly against the couch cushions for a few moments. He hadn’t really thought about the “morning after” but probably, secretly, his traitorous subconscious had made him want to wake up next to her. He didn’t understand why she’d leave him after that night. He’d thought, he’d felt something click in. Apparently, she hadn’t. Or… or something else. She wasn’t the most typical woman, but clearly she was complicated like all of the rest of them. Or maybe he had pushed too hard. His stomach had risen up to his mouth as he had thought if what he had done could be considered as taking advantage of her vulnerable state of mind. What if she never wanted to kiss him but simply couldn’t say no, what if she’d only wanted the comfort and he’d overstepped his bounds?

And now, everything seemed to be back to normal. Defne had gotten over her nearly-got-raped and nearly-became-a-murderer trauma except for the fact that she was currently experiencing a rather large loss of appetite. And Gerard didn’t say anyone anything about what had happened. She hadn’t especially asked him not to tell anyone but he had thought it would have been the best thing to do. Not that she said very much to him these days. Because even though at first look everything looked pretty much normal, it wasn’t. The weirdness between them was somehow concealed. Or both parties were desperately trying to conceal it, to phrase it better.

They just didn’t talk about it. Didn’t talk about the attack. Didn’t talk about the mindless beating. Certainly didn’t talk about the kiss. Or the snuggling. Nor the waking up alone. All of this resulted in a not-so-relaxed atmosphere between the two. Whereas they had been pretty much touchy-feely before, now the touches were reduced to a very small amount. They’d still talk, but with occasional averting of eyes. They’d still laugh, while stealing odd longing glances at each other, careful not to get caught staring.

While trying to act as if nothing had happened at all, they both made it too obvious that something had happened.


"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."

Edgar Allen Poe

Gerard dreamt. He dreamt as he slept. He dreamt as he stared. He wondered. He didn’t mean to do any of it, but his mind seemed to run riot. He’d see her, he’d make small talk to her but his mind would drift away to all the things he could say to her that he never actually would. So he just watched her, in a dreamy state of mind, slipping in and out of consciousness from time to time. He studied the way she watched something exciting on TV, nipping at the sides of her nails nervously. He admired the way she hugged her guitar close to her body, humming along with the tune, sometimes coming up with interesting riffs and running to Zack’s side excitedly to share them with him. He watched her practically start to live off of coffee, even turning down fast-food she loved to eat. He noticed the few pounds her new diet made her lose, making some of her tight tank-tops, not-so-tight anymore. He realized what most of the others did not. He saw her, as if for the first time.

Gerard watched her and the feelings inside him rose up and up and upper still. Every tiny thing she did, every bit of expression that formed on her face tugged at a string of his heart. And he did the best thing he could do to let it out: He drew. Because he couldn’t sing for her or talk to her. He wasn’t ready. He didn’t know if he was ever going to be ready. So he settled for expressing his feelings in the most secluded way he could. Sometimes, he thought he had gone back to his old self as he sat at the back of the bus on his claimed drawing table and let his hands help the weight get off of his heart and mind. He could pinpoint exact moments of his life he had spent doing just this. Only his inspirations had been different. And now everything he drew had a piece of her inside: A sweep of long dark hair or an open-mouthed laugh. A strong poise. Or just a color she reminds him of. And a snowflake. Maybe because he missed the winter in the middle of the spring just like he missed her, missed their easy chats and laughs. Smiles. Maybe because she looked paler than ever lately. Or maybe because of the innocence it represented. Her innocence. His innocence?


No one was stupid. But Frank was impatient. It was obvious something was wrong. But no one wanted to act on it. It wasn’t so much as Gerard and Defne were weird together, no they were actually normal. But Frank only now noticed that, they weren’t normal before. They had been somehow close-r. More than two people could get in three months’ time. And that was the reason he bugged his best friend in the middle of a after-concert late-night drawing session.


But the artist was too immersed in his work to hear his friend. So Frank flopped onto the seat across from him and dropped his face forward to get in his line of sight. “Hey Gerard!”

Glowing honey orbs slowly lifted from the paper to meet with their greenish-hazel counterparts. Gerard’s eyebrows lifted quizzically as he returned the greeting. “Hi.”

The tiny guitarist hesitated, studying the other man’s body language. He didn’t exactly know how to approach him, how to get the subject out in the clear. So he settled for humor, instead.

“Aren’t you supposed to be drooling on your pillow, right now? How come you’re still up?”

The singer blinked big doe eyes at him and the corner of his mouth twitched as he responded. “I’m drawing.”

Frank sighed. Gerard had even started forming short sentences and shutting up. Things definitely were not right.

“Yeah, well, that seems to be the only thing you ever do these days… Is something bothering you?” he asked in as soft tone, his face sincere.

Gerard averted his eyes for just one moment, stealing a glance at the sketch resting on the table, in the protective circle of his arms. He shook his head. The gesture was not able to convince either of them.

Frank sighed once more, cocking his head to the side – acting as if he’d figure out his friend’s problem if he stared at him lopsided. Gerard gave him a shy look which was probably meant to be a strong one to convince the younger man that he was alright. But of course, he wouldn’t get away that easily.

“Come on.” Frank muttered, covering the older man’s hands with his own with affection, all the while staring in his eyes stubbornly. “Tell me what’s wrong. I already know it’s about her.”

Gerard’s eyes widened and he failed to avert his gaze this time. He nervously dropped his pencil on the table and surrendered his hands to his friend completely.

“Hah, yes! It worked yet again. The oldest of all bluffs – acting as if you already know!” cried Frank.

The singer huffed and sent his raven locks flying away from his face with a very feminine head toss. “Cheater.” He mumbled under his breath.

The other man giggled. “No really,” he continued regaining his composure once again. “I wasn’t just bluffing. It’s so obvious that something’s not right between you two.”

“Is it?” He sounded rather fraught.

Frank nodded, the giggly lines of his face settling into a concerned frown immediately. “Yeah, well… it’s not like ‘Oh my God I had sex with her!’ weird but… I don’t know –”

He suddenly stopped as his eyes grew nearly to the size of ping pong balls. “You didn’t have sex with her, right?”

Gerard stared at him in shock for a moment, and then scoffed. “No!”

Frank visibly relaxed. “Okay, that’s a good start. I thought you’d ruined everything, for a moment there.”

The vocalist blinked back a question at him. “Ruined what exactly?”

The small man shrugged as he gave his friend a sheepish look and blushed. “You know… The, the relationship b-between you two.”

“What relationship?” He was trying to play dumb.

Frank rolled his eyes this time. “ Come on, Gerard! Okay, maybe I don’t know her very well but I know you! I know how you act around someone you like. And I’m not stupid! So just cut the act and tell me what’s wrong.” He sounded just a touch offended.

This time it was Gerard’s turn to duck his head sheepishly and blush. “I-I don’t know, Frankie.” He paused as the usually hyper guitarist sat patiently across from him waiting to hear what he had to say. “I. I think I might… I mean, I do. I guess I, uhmmm, I like her.”

Frank stared at him, his eyes coated with affection and praise, oddly. A gentle smile crept over his adorable features as he squeezed the other’s hand. “I’m happy for you.” He said, beaming.

Gerard bit his bottom lip and clung to his friend’s hand. “Thanks.” He murmured, smiling slightly.

“So, this is all good. But… what’s the problem exactly?” Frank asked, still determined to press on the subject.

“Uhmmm…” Now, Gerard knew there was no way Frank would leave without learning what was the cause of his distress. But he couldn’t tell him the whole truth about her being attacked and him feeling like an asshole for having taken advantage of her. He was pretty sure Defne hadn’t told anyone about the assault thing – not even Zack. Gerard had seen the blonde guitarist try to corner her to make her talk a few times. She had always dismissed him somehow, so far. And Gerard believed that she was still not comfortable enough to share it with anyone else so who was he to go around spreading the tale?

Frank was now raising a perfectly shaped eyebrow at him, trying to show him that he was getting impatient.

“I kinda… I kissed her.” He blurted out, finally.

The guitarist’s face broke into a grin. He leaned in towards his friend and gestured for him to come closer still. Intrigued, Gerard leaned over to meet him halfway. “Good for you!” Frank whispered in his ear, giggling silently.

“So…” the younger man continued. “You’re acting all weird because you kissed, am I right?”

Gerard frowned. That sounded so high-school. “It’s not that simple.” He muttered.

“Why not?”

And he told him about his little waking-up alone experience, still leaving out the reason he had to comfort her that night. Frank listened to him carefully and in the end gave the best advice he could have come up with.

“Just don’t restrain yourself, Gee. Show her what you feel.”

Gerard wasn’t convinced so easily. He scrunched up his face and asked. “You think so?”

“Yeah.” He said sincerely, nodding. “You guys are tensing up the atmosphere for nothing. Try to relax a bit.”

“It’s just that… it’s like. Nothing ever happened at all.” Gerard muttered.

“No, it’s not like that. Everyone can see that, I’m sure.” Frank reassured him. “You guys are not so casual around each other anymore. Something must have happened to change that…” Noticing the deep dark look in his friend’s eyes he continued. “I’m kinda getting the feeling that you’re not telling me the whole story here, you know, Gee?”

“I –” The singer hesitated. “I can’t.” he said, shooting him an apologetic look.

Frank tugged at his bottom lip with his teeth, toying with his lip ring in the process. “Okay.” He said, having understood that the decision of not telling him did not truly belong to Gerard.

“Whatever… Just. Don’t retire into yourself like this.” The guitarist said finally in a soft tone.

“You know what, I. Actually, it’s good for me sometimes. I notice things when I. Ummm, keep myself away, ya know?” Gerard accepted rather shyly. Yes, it was the truth, he actually enjoyed being alone sometimes now. Wow, he had really grown up.

“I, I like being the observer. I mean –”

Frank smiled as his friend kept talking. Yeah, everything seemed fine now. Gerard seemed like he would return to his usual never-shuts-up self in no time.

He tugged on the vocalist’s arm when he was finished with speaking, and muttered. “Come on. You need sleep. Let’s go to bed.”

Gerard followed him down the hall like a good boy so he earned a good night hug from Frank. Just before letting him go, the tiny man whispered in the other’s ear.

“I think she likes you, too.”

Gerard drew in a sharp, surprised breath and Frank chuckled at the sweet emotions he knew that must be going through his friend’s body right now.

“Why?” the raven-haired man asked.

“’Cause Mikey told me so” answered the guitarist with a curt nod.

Gerard frowned. “How the hell does Mikey know?”

“Alicia told him, apparently.” Frank stated absently.

The vocalist shook his head furiously and turned around to open the curtains of his bunk. “God, does everyone talk about my love-life now? Is that the new hot topic?” he muttered under his breath.

Having already climbed on his bunk on top of Gerard’s, Frank dangled his head around the side of the bed and gave his friend a big smile. “Good night to you, too, Gee!” he chirped.


Gerard did as he was told at the first chance he got. He didn’t run away or keep himself distant this time. And Defne talked to him, laughed with him again. This time, it was really back to normal with only a tiny secret which made them stare at each other’s lips from time to time.

Of course, Gerard knew he couldn’t be content with just being her friend any longer. But he was still cautious, having learned that caution from personal experience with heart-ache, so he’d take baby steps for now.

And Defne was glad they had gotten over the weirdness. She had missed his company in the time they had been practically avoiding each other. But she had been too shy to make the first move. So for now, she enjoyed diving into easy conversation with him again, the kiss forced to the back of her mind with a stubborn subconscious.

So, she tried to act normal when Gerard laid his head on her lap while they were all piled up in the front-lounge, watching The Crow on her request. But she couldn’t.

Zack had gotten up from his seat on the floor next to her, to get a can of coke and so she stretched her legs in delight, claiming his space for herself. Declaring it with a sigh and a “Now, that’s comfy!”

Gerard stole a glance at her before saying “Yeah, let’s get comfy.” And he put his head on her lap, sighing and smiling.

She stared at the top of his head for a moment and then remembered to get back to the movie. It was a great movie, after all. But her fingers had minds of their own as they started slowly toying with the locks of gorgeous black hair splayed on her lap. Her heart fluttered at the oddest moments during the movie, having nothing to do with Eric Draven standing up straight despite being shot by Uzis and numerous other guns.

She didn’t mind.

He didn’t mind at all.

A/N: Okay, I’m back! It has been a little over a week since I last updated, I know. But my computer collapsed, then came back. Collapsed in that same evening and then came back again for good this time. And of course, there’s this nasty thing about midterms. I’m afraid they might be able to hold me back from posting the future chapters quickly. So… Sorry :(

Sooo, how do you like this chapter? It’s a little transitional bit, I know. But keep the reviews coming anyway, oooh and rate me! Yeah, I’m feeling greedy nowadays :P But I give away free love for you guys :D < 33333333

And the lyrics, I felt like I needed them. What do you think?
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