Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Soul Purpose
20. “Can’t rain all the time…”
Off-days on the road meant fun: Walking around the current city they were visiting, consuming more desirable food, even managing to catch a movie sometimes. Or just enjoying the peaceful stillness of a hotel room, after being stuck in mobile-mode for so long that the constant changing of everything around you starts to make your head spin.
So when Defne woke in an actual immobile bed one morning, having been able to sleep like a baby at long last, she was beyond glad to have the hotel room for only herself. Yeah, sometimes the guys could get thoughtful like that and let her have her own room. They were possibly trying to make up for the fact that they usually forgot their lead singer was actually female, no matter how good she was at being one of the guys. Well, she didn’t question their motives, nor did she care about them. She just enjoyed the results.
On that particular morning, sadly the last (and actually the first) morning she was going to be able to spend in this comfy magnificence of a bed, she stretched like a lazy cat, listening to the little cracks coming from her spine. She yawned loudly but the growl of her stomach drowned the other sound. She grinned. Although she still hadn’t fully regained her rather large appetite, it was surely a good sign her body was rebelling against her psyche.
She rolled over in the vastness of the double bed and reached for her cell phone on the nightstand, wondering if it was time for breakfast or lunch. She yawned again as she flipped the device open. Her eyes fell onto the signs on the screen and her good spirits vanished like a germ coming face to face with Domestos.
She hadn’t realized how the time passed by. The anniversary of that horrible day had already come? May 26. She blinked at the enlightened screen and her mind wandered to a completely different time and place. A familiar scorching feeling came to squeeze her guts and tie them into perfect little knots under her skin. The knots played around her stomach for sometime and then they moved higher, tightening their hold around her chest. She took a trembling breath and tried to calm down. It had been a long time ago. She had been okay last year, why was she feeling like this now?
As soon as she had gotten used to the uncomfortable feeling, she shut off her phone and moved to get clean clothes from her suitcase. She came across her black zipper-less hoodie in front of which a black and white photo of Kurt Cobain was printed. The deceased singer managed to look angelic, troubled and peaceful all at the same time in that photo. The hoodie made her feel better whenever she was down so she pulled it on, along with some random black jeans.
Not bothering to brush her hair, she stepped out of the room.
She could only breathe properly when she was out on the street and several blocks away from the hotel. Away from everyone she had come to know in the past years.
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Defne had never been to this town before, although they had toured the country once last year, they had apparently skipped this place. As a result, she had no idea where she was headed forwards as she put one foot in front of the other mindlessly. Her head hang low so she usually only noticed the toes of her chucks, when she got back to the real world from the nightmares deep within her mind. And even when she looked up, there wasn’t much to note.
The streets she walked weren’t busy at all, so that two cars rarely met each other on the road. She thought it was because everyone had something to do. Children had gone to school, parents had gone to work. Bus drivers were driving their busses and shopkeepers were safely tucked behind their shop windows. It seemed like no one, beside from her, had the indecency to wander around aimlessly in the streets of this middle-class town.
She grimly noticed that even nature was in some kind of weird state of mind. It was supposed to be spring, bright and lively but there was no recognizable sign of liveliness anywhere she went. She tried to hear the chirping of the birds but she couldn’t. There were no trees around for little birds to be perched upon. No stray cats messing with the trash cans. No kids playing around, shouting or giggling. No mums running after them, worried about their safety. It seemed like the world had suddenly stopped turning, somehow.
And every corner looked like the previous one she had turned, every window looked like the previous one in which she had stared blankly at her reflection.
She shook her head and frowned, diving into her thoughts once again, as the only bright thing – the sun – glared down at her.
Three years ago. Today. Yes. Three years ago, on this day, her finals had been over. And she had been relaxed with the knowledge that the only thing that was left now was graduating. So she had gone celebrating with her friends. Celebrating the end of an era, the end of the most beautiful time of her life, of course sad that it was over. But also eager about the beginning of a very different and exciting one. She had been young and naïve.
She had thought she wouldn’t lose anything.
Until that night she came home to the worst news she had ever received.
She hadn’t cried. No. She had asked when it had happened. In the afternoon. She had asked why they hadn’t felt the need to call her. No answer. She had asked again and again until her brother had said that they hadn’t wanted to ruin her day, the one day she had been looking forward to all year.
She had thought she deserved to know. She had thought she should have been called to her side, even if they wouldn’t let her near her. Even if she wouldn’t be able to see her. Even if… She had wanted to just… be there.
As she had sat alone in her room that night, under the cover of the darkness, she had realized it had been too late. Even if she had been there on that exact moment, it still would have been too late. Because she hadn’t been with her, by her side for years. What difference would it have made if she had been there to see her give her last breath?
Regrets… She had a few.
Her mother had a full-time job. Even when she was little, so she hadn’t been brought up by her mother. No. It had been her grandmother all along. Not that her mother didn’t spend any time with her. No, her parents spent as much time with Defne and her brother as they could. But still, the majority of her childhood was spent under the care of her grandmother.
Grandmother… She knew only one, since her dad’s mother had died before she was even born. And that one person had been her world.
Defne would run into her grandma’s arms every morning when her mum would drop her at her house before going to work. That caring old lady had always been the one to sit by her side and watch cartoons with her all morning. She had been the one to admire the houses Defne used to build up of Legos. Yeah, her grandma would carefully take the Lego-house she’d spent the afternoon creating and would put it in the cabinet on display for everyone to see.
Her grandma had been the one to teach her how to slurp down a soft boiled egg.
She had been the one to cook her favorite meals so that Defne could never leave her house without her belly forming into a smooth satisfied bump.
She had been the one to buy Defne her first favorite dress: A cherry patterned red and white dress with a frilly skirt.
She had been the one to take Defne out to the park.
She had been the one person Defne used to cling tightly to when saying goodbye, even if it was just for the night. The little girl would hug her grandma and kiss her on both cheeks, hug her again. She wouldn’t let go easily.
But she had no idea when that had changed, exactly.
When she was 14, maybe? Yeah, when her grandmother had first gotten sick.
It had all happened so fast. One day, they were taking her to the doctor. And not a week later, she had had an operation. Because she had breast cancer. Because it hadn’t been an early diagnosis. Because the one person who cared about everyone else’s safety and well-being so much, hadn’t been able to recognize something was wrong with herself. Because none of them had realized it.
Defne had had no idea how to act like when she had first gone to see her grandmother in the hospital. She had had no idea what to expect. She could never have dreamt that a person could crumble like that in such short time. Because the woman in that hospital bed, her face thin and her voice weak. Her eyes full of sorrow and her body exhausted. She was nothing like the person Defne used to know. She wasn’t the person who would always run from one place to another, so energetic and lively. She seemed like just an empty shell. A shadow of her former self. Would only the lack of one breast make such a difference in a person?
She would give both of her newly forming ones just to get her grandmother back.
They hadn’t been able to celebrate her birthday that year because she was still in the hospital.
One year later, the doctors had discovered that the disgusting disease wasn’t finished with her. Colon, it was now. And how was it that it had been able to spread around if the doctors were keeping everything under control with even more disgusting treatment methods like chemotherapy and radiotherapy?
This time, Defne had been ready to take the impact. She had bought her flowers. Not dead ones. Real, alive violets in a pot.
And still she lay in the bed like a ghost, even worse than the last time she had been there.
No birthdays. No vacations.
It would have been okay if only she could get better. If only they could all gather up in her house and eat delicious meals she served. Watch the news with grandpa and help grandma clean up the kitchen after dinner.
But, no. Defne couldn’t take care of her. And she couldn’t take care of her granddaughter. That might have been the reason why they saw each other less and less.
Or it might have been cowardice. It might have been the fact that Defne was such a big coward that she couldn’t face her grandmother and stand the pain the old woman was feeling. It might have been the fact that she never knew what to say to the one person she thought she knew better than anyone else in the world.
Or it might have been the excuse of heavy studies. Her grandmother had always wanted her to study, get well educated and be able to stand on her two feet someday.
But by that time, the disease had already nestled in her hipbone. She was in pain. And this time, no surgery would relieve her from it. Her grandmother had been so sick that she had forgotten to wish her good luck for the exam she had to pass in order to attend the college she wanted. And when she had gone to see her, the old woman had cried, her tears falling freely from her hollow eyes. She hadn’t been able to accept the fact that she had forgotten such a big day of her beloved Defne’s life.
Defne had told her it was okay. Hugged her. Told her that she understood.
Her grandma had wanted to see her high school graduation ceremony. But she hadn’t been able to. Because she had been in so much pain that she hadn’t even been able to get up.
And she hadn’t been able to se her graduate from college.
She had already been buried by then.
Defne came to a halt at the corner of a street she might have passed by a hundred times that day as she felt something wet on her face. It hadn’t been her tears, she already knew they had stopped flowing in the hours she wandered around the city.
She looked up to the once-bright sky and saw the dark rain clouds. It was raining.
But her hood was already placed on her head. So she just kept walking.
Regretting.
Why hadn’t she been with her when she could? When there was still the opportunity? Why did she always have to run away from other people’s pain? Why did she always have to be so weak?
There was no way to recycle the wasted time passed without her grandma.
But the trash can was full.
And she was still away from her family. This time, from everyone. Her mum, her dad, her brother… Because she had run away after that summer. Again, using the excuse of studies.
And when she’d come back in the holidays, nothing would ever be the same. Somehow, they had all started to treat her differently. Like the way she used to treat her grandma. Like they were afraid of her pain, scared of smashing under the weight of it.
And last year, they hadn’t exactly welcomed the news about her career choice. That had certainly driven a wedge between Defne and her family. She hadn’t even went back home in the summer. She had the excuse of touring.
But when she passed by a phone booth, she didn’t scramble inside in order to get away from the rain. No. She needed to call home.
The phone rang and rang and rang. No one picked it up.
She stared blankly at the receiver in her hand for some time, then thought of calling her brother.
He answered on the third ring.
“Hello?”
“Hey…”
There was silence on the other end of the phone, way past the Atlantic.
“Defne?” asked a bewildered voice.
“Yeah, it’s me.” she muttered.
“Where have you been? We haven’t heard from you in ages…”
“Well, I. Uhmm, I’m on tour.”
“Still?”
“No. Ummm. The other one’s long o-over. T-this is different… We’re, uhhm. We’re opening for a famous rock band.”
“Really, which one?” His tone was interested.
“You wouldn’t know them. Not really your scene.”
He laughed on the other end of the line and she relaxed.
“Really? And what exactly is my scene?”
“Oh, just shut up…” she mumbled smiling into the receiver.
“Okay. So, how’s it going now?” She knew he was asking if they were making any progress as a band in the music industry.
“Well… Everything’s just. You know what? It’s just perfect, right now. We got a few offers from labels. Even a couple major labels…”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah… And the shows are amazing. We’ve got fans, now.”
She could almost hear him smile over the phone. “I’m glad.”
“Me too.”
They both didn’t know what to say next so there was a big silence before Defne finally spoke up and got to the heart of the conversation.
“So… D-did you. Did you go to s-see her today?”
He sighed. “Yeah, of course. I always do.”
“I wish I could, too.” she muttered silently.
“You can.” he stated mildly, pressing the subject without smothering her too much.
“Not now. I. I can’t. Really… no.”
“Then why did you call? Just to let me know that you’re not coming back?” he sounded frustrated.
“I called home. No one answered. And I just… nee – wanted to talk –”
“Mum and dad were here, they just left.”
“Oh.”
Again, her brother didn’t say a word. “Ummm. How’s Deniz?” she asked, knowing that her nephew must have grown so much in the past year and a half.
“He’s fine. Giggling and running around like always… Oh, but you never saw him run around, right? Well…”
She let out a sharp breath. “Just, please.” She hissed between her clenched teeth. “Cut it, will you?”
She could feel his head shake. “I don’t understand you.”
“You don’t need to. And I’m not asking you to. I left. Because I wanted something. And now I’m closer to it than I’ve ever been and I’m not giving up.” She said heatedly. “I just… wanted to see if everyone was okay.” She finished silently.
“Well, everyone’s fine.” He stated coldly.
“Dad?”
“He’s okay.”
“His heart?”
“It’s okay. He goes to his doctor regularly. Nothing’s wrong with his valve, anymore.”
“Ummm. Tell them I said hi, then, okay?”
“I will.”
“Thanks. By –”
“Defne?” he cut her goodbye.
“Hmm?”
“I’m going to attend a conference in the States, next month. Your cell number’s the same, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, I’ll call you, then. Maybe we can meet up?”
“Yeah, okay. Maybe… By –”
“Deff?”
“What?”
“Are you okay?”
She thought it over for sometime. “I’m fine. Better, now.”
“Good.”
“Okay, bye.”
“Bye.”
She stayed in the phone booth, thinking, until it got completely dark. Then she knew it was time to get back to the hotel.
And she stepped into the pouring rain, getting soaked trying desperately to find her way back to the hotel. She shivered the whole way, shrinking into her already too-wet hoodie, every inch of her body cold. She slipped and fell a few times on the smooth watery surface of the sidewalks as she tried to walk quickly. She hit her back to the external mirror of a car pretty hard, hearing the loud crack while she felt the stabbing pain at the same time. An hour or two might have passed until she found the hotel.
But soon, she realized they were supposed to be in the bus at this hour because they had to leave before midnight in order to catch up with their schedule. So now, she had to find her way to the parking area where the tour bus was located.
She barely made it up the narrow steps of the bus to the front lounge area. The carpeting got soaked from all the water dripping down from her body.
No one seemed to be up besides the driver, whom she had seen seated behind the wheel, ready to take off. She didn’t notice the figure sitting on the couch in the shadows until he spoke up.
“You’re back.”
Her head snapped in the direction the voice had come from and she squinted to see more clearly although she had recognized the unmistakable voice.
“Yeah.” She responded.
“You’re just in time. We have to leave in half an hour.” His tone wasn’t light. He actually sounded like he was trying really hard not to sound mad.
“I know, Zack. That’s why I’m here.” she said, not in the mood to take bullshit from anyone.
“We had to clear out your room with the spare key because you know what? You were nowhere to be seen when it was time to fucking check out.” He said with a cutting edge of sarcasm.
She stared at him without blinking. “Well, thanks. How damn thoughtful of you.” She wouldn’t welcome hostility with open arms, even if it came from her best friend.
Itching for a hot shower and warm clothes, she moved towards the hallway which led to the bathroom and the bunks.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Zack called with clenched teeth.
She sighed sharply and turned around, walking closer, to face the blonde guitarist square in the face. “What is this about, Zack?”
He chuckled humorlessly. It was actually a pretty harsh sound. “What is this about? What is this about?” he repeated, wonder and venom dripping from his tone. “Maybe it’s about you fucking running away to someplace without even letting anyone know –”
“I didn’t run away to some place, I was just walking around.”
“It doesn’t matter!” he shouted. “You could have told someone first. Or you could have taken your phone with you. Then maybe we wouldn’t have worried our asses out whole day long for you.”
“You know I can take care of myself.” she hissed.
“Yeah, I can see that. You can take care of yourself so good, that the hunched soaked girl, who just stepped on the bus, scuffing her feet wasn’t you!”
Her jaw clenched and she glared at him with furious passion. “Oh, it was me. But you don’t need to worry your pretty little head about me Zachary, I’m fine.” she spit.
He shook his head at her use of his full name. “Oh, excuse me for thinking about someone else beside myself. I won’t do it again.”
Her eyes widened. “You’re accusing me of being selfish?” she yelled. She could feel something desperately flutter to stay alive in her ribcage. But her worst fear had come true. Now, everyone was thinking she was selfish, too.
“Yes. I am.” He stated matter-of-factly. “If you had spared a single fucking thought about what we all would feel like when we couldn’t reach you, we couldn’t find you in your room, you wouldn’t have fucking disappeared just like that.”
“Fuck you! I just wanted to be alone for sometime!” she cried. “Is that too much to ask? To be left alone in your head for a while?”
“Well, then, you could have come and said ‘Hey guys, I need some air to clear out my head, I’m gonna walk around a bit.’ But you didn’t. And you shut off your phone. Hell, you left it in your room.” He said. “What do you think we felt like when we couldn’t get any response from the other side of the room as we stood in front of the door yelling your name? What do you think passed through my mind at those moments? Anything could have happened…”
She tried to understand him. He was making sense. He had been worried. All her friends had been worried. About her. But all the emotions she kept bottled up in her chest for so long got the better of her and she yelled in is face.
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I should have asked for your permission to go out. Well, you know what? I don’t need anyone’s fucking permission! Hell, you’re not my father… You’re not my fucking brother! ”
When she recognized the shadow suddenly forming in the dark blue eyes of the guitarist, it was too late to take back her words. Zack’s shapely brows crumbled into a thoughtful frown as his mouth became crooked with pain.
He stood up abruptly, towering over her smaller figure for a moment before staring into her eyes and muttering forcefully.
“It’s good that we got that out on the clear. I used to think of you as my sister. But well, if you don’t want a brother…”
And he stepped away from her like she was the most disgusting thing on the face of the earth, making his way towards his bunk quickly.
She just blinked after him, unable to form any other response to the whole scenario that had only now played out in front of her. She blinked and blinked but the tears didn’t come. She had ran out of tears for today.
So the hunched singer scuffed her feet along the hallway towards her suitcase, getting out something appropriate to wear for bed. She started to shiver again as the adrenaline left her bloodstream. So she grabbed her towel and made her way to the tiny bathroom of the bus.
Someone yanked the wet sleeve of her hoodie as she passed by the bunks. It was Devon.
“I heard raised voices.” he stated.
She shrugged. “I’m sorry if we woke you. Go back to sleep.”
“I wasn’t having the nicest of dreams, anyways.” he whispered and added as an afterthought. “Were you arguing with Zack?”
The singer nodded, splashing around some stray water drops from her hair.
“Were you worried about me, too?” she asked shyly.
“Well, yeah. But Zack was panicking and someone had to keep him in line so I had to stay calm. I told him that you’re a big girl and you can take care of yourself.”
“I think I just… I said something I really didn’t mean.” She confessed.
“The brother thing?” he asked sympathetically.
“You heard?” she whispered, wincing.
He just nodded.
“I was so mad… I shouldn’t have. I should have just walked off.” she choke out.
“It’ll be okay.” The bassist said, smiling. “You know how much he loves you. You’ll just apologize tomorrow.”
She swallowed the thickness in her throat. “You didn’t see it in his eyes.” She muttered.
He squeezed her hand, getting up and pecking her on the cheek. “It’ll be fine.” he reassured.
She stared in his bright dark-green orbs and tried out a hesitant smile.
“Yeah, that’s how you smile.” said Devon. “Now go take a shower. You’re gonna get sick.”
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The hot shower helped take Defne’s shivering under control, but the blank coldness deep inside her chest was still stinging as she dried and put on her old black sweats.
Her back, where she had hit the external mirror earlier in the evening, had started to ache after the hot water boiled her muscles and left a relaxed mess in their place. And now she had to blow dry her hair but she couldn’t: When she raised her arm up over her head to use the hair dryer, a weird muscle in her back that was probably connected to her arm made her wince in pain.
Her face twisted as she tried a few more times, but she couldn’t hold the stance for long.
“You need help with that?” a voice called from near the half open door.
She turned towards him to shake her head no. “I’m fine.”
Gerard took in her pale and exhausted state and tried again. “It’s obvious that you’re in pain.” he said softly. “Where did you hurt your back?”
“I slipped and fell. Hit the side of a parked car.” she murmured silently, almost in an ashamed tone.
The other singer sighed. “I’m glad you didn’t hit a moving car.” he muttered in a hushed way. “We were worried about you.”
She cast her eyes to the floor in an embarrassed gesture. “I’m sorry.” she said placidly. “I didn’t mean to –”
“It’s all right.” he said, stepping up in front of her. “You’re fine, and that’s what matters.”
She tilted her head back and studied his eyes.
“Let me help you, huh?” he asked tentatively.
She nodded compliantly after giving it some thought and Gerard took the blow drier and the comb from her hands, his fingers brushing against hers lightly in the process.
He carefully combed her hair first, disentangling the knots in sweet, gentle strokes of the comb.
She hadn’t felt so peaceful in so long. She had almost forgotten how good it felt for someone to comb your hair lightly and slowly, taking his time with it. Her father used to do it for her when she was a little girl. He would carefully comb out her long dark hair into perfect straight locks. And there was no such feeling in the whole world to compete with all the kindness, peace and safety in that one act.
Gerard patiently loosened the rebellious knots of her hair, not only using the comb but also running his left hand through the locks from time to time. He wanted to take care of her especially when she had given permission to him to do so. He wanted to show her that it felt good to be taken care of, sometimes.
After he was done with that task, he moved on to blow drying the silky soft yet thick hair in his hands. He could see her reflection from the mirror she was standing in front of. Her eyes were closed, her face totally slack with peace. As he ran his hands through the dense material of her dark strands, soft, involuntary little noises escaped her dainty lips. A sigh. A mewl. A hum.
And he fell in love with every one of those tiny bits of vocal expressions. And the facial expressions.
But, although he took his time, her hair immediately got dry. And he didn’t want to burn it with unnecessary artificial heat and damage the sparkling beauty of it, so he turned off the machine.
Defne didn’t realize the constant humming of the blow drier had stopped for some time. At least, until Gerard wrapped his arms around her waist and leaned against her back, that is.
Her head instantly fell back to rest on his right shoulder and she opened her eyes as he whispered sweetly in her ear.
“Being taken care of feels wonderful sometimes, doesn’t it?”
She’d have tensed up at the question but that seemed physically impossible at the position and moment she was in. So she just settled for not answering the question.
Gerard’s arms tightened around her at her silence and he whispered once again.
“You don’t always have to be strong.”
She frowned and turned to face him. But she didn’t know what to say. “I –”
His hand came to tilt her chin up as he smiled at her, lowering his face toward hers. She took support from his shoulders, planting her hands on each one of them and leaned upwards to the kiss. She needed this. The comfort. But more than anything, she wanted this. She wanted him. Gerard. And she suddenly wanted him to know it. In a reckless moment of decision, all shyness cast aside, she kissed him just like she wanted to. Soft and sweet. Deep and devouring. Slow and silent. Passionate and desperate.
Electric jolts ran through their bodies, signaling their muscles to hold on tighter, to wrap around, to squeeze, to never let go. And as their mouths scissored against each other, Gerard’s tongue poke out tentatively. To tease, to beg for permission, to lick around her bottom lip for so long that she gave a strangled cry into his mouth in the end, inching open her lips, granting him full access to the inside.
And they played around, like kids under the warm afternoon sun. And they fought. As if the inside of their mouths was a battle field and their tongues were their only weapons.
When they obeyed the desperate cries of their lungs and broke the kiss for air, they clung to each other. As if they were afraid the other would disappear in thin air.
Gerard planted tiny kisses on the back of her jaw line, as she stood plastered against his front, her arms wrapped around his neck, while she only blew warm air into his soft black hair.
Long after they broke apart, the velvet feel of his lips lingered on hers. His silent whisper rang out in her ears.
“Just sleep.”
“Can’t rain all the time…”
Eric Draven ( The Crow)
A/N: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, for how long have I been sitting in front of the computer, writing this? I seriously amnot gonna be able to sleep with my back and neck killing me.
I actually thought of stopping writing and posting this in two chapters but I couldn’t stop writing. I had to get it all out. Gahhh, I’m tired. Such a long chapter, guys. I guess you could consider this as a thank you for all those beautiful reviews :)
And the early parts of this chapter was actually really emotional to write, so maybe that was why I kept writing until 4.44 am (Yes, it actually is 4.44 am here, right now!)
Keep the reviews coming, I get all happy and bouncy with joy when I see them! And of course, you could always rate ;)
And sorry for any typos or such, I’m sleepy.
Well, bye. I’ll go to sleep now…
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Off-days on the road meant fun: Walking around the current city they were visiting, consuming more desirable food, even managing to catch a movie sometimes. Or just enjoying the peaceful stillness of a hotel room, after being stuck in mobile-mode for so long that the constant changing of everything around you starts to make your head spin.
So when Defne woke in an actual immobile bed one morning, having been able to sleep like a baby at long last, she was beyond glad to have the hotel room for only herself. Yeah, sometimes the guys could get thoughtful like that and let her have her own room. They were possibly trying to make up for the fact that they usually forgot their lead singer was actually female, no matter how good she was at being one of the guys. Well, she didn’t question their motives, nor did she care about them. She just enjoyed the results.
On that particular morning, sadly the last (and actually the first) morning she was going to be able to spend in this comfy magnificence of a bed, she stretched like a lazy cat, listening to the little cracks coming from her spine. She yawned loudly but the growl of her stomach drowned the other sound. She grinned. Although she still hadn’t fully regained her rather large appetite, it was surely a good sign her body was rebelling against her psyche.
She rolled over in the vastness of the double bed and reached for her cell phone on the nightstand, wondering if it was time for breakfast or lunch. She yawned again as she flipped the device open. Her eyes fell onto the signs on the screen and her good spirits vanished like a germ coming face to face with Domestos.
She hadn’t realized how the time passed by. The anniversary of that horrible day had already come? May 26. She blinked at the enlightened screen and her mind wandered to a completely different time and place. A familiar scorching feeling came to squeeze her guts and tie them into perfect little knots under her skin. The knots played around her stomach for sometime and then they moved higher, tightening their hold around her chest. She took a trembling breath and tried to calm down. It had been a long time ago. She had been okay last year, why was she feeling like this now?
As soon as she had gotten used to the uncomfortable feeling, she shut off her phone and moved to get clean clothes from her suitcase. She came across her black zipper-less hoodie in front of which a black and white photo of Kurt Cobain was printed. The deceased singer managed to look angelic, troubled and peaceful all at the same time in that photo. The hoodie made her feel better whenever she was down so she pulled it on, along with some random black jeans.
Not bothering to brush her hair, she stepped out of the room.
She could only breathe properly when she was out on the street and several blocks away from the hotel. Away from everyone she had come to know in the past years.
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Defne had never been to this town before, although they had toured the country once last year, they had apparently skipped this place. As a result, she had no idea where she was headed forwards as she put one foot in front of the other mindlessly. Her head hang low so she usually only noticed the toes of her chucks, when she got back to the real world from the nightmares deep within her mind. And even when she looked up, there wasn’t much to note.
The streets she walked weren’t busy at all, so that two cars rarely met each other on the road. She thought it was because everyone had something to do. Children had gone to school, parents had gone to work. Bus drivers were driving their busses and shopkeepers were safely tucked behind their shop windows. It seemed like no one, beside from her, had the indecency to wander around aimlessly in the streets of this middle-class town.
She grimly noticed that even nature was in some kind of weird state of mind. It was supposed to be spring, bright and lively but there was no recognizable sign of liveliness anywhere she went. She tried to hear the chirping of the birds but she couldn’t. There were no trees around for little birds to be perched upon. No stray cats messing with the trash cans. No kids playing around, shouting or giggling. No mums running after them, worried about their safety. It seemed like the world had suddenly stopped turning, somehow.
And every corner looked like the previous one she had turned, every window looked like the previous one in which she had stared blankly at her reflection.
She shook her head and frowned, diving into her thoughts once again, as the only bright thing – the sun – glared down at her.
Three years ago. Today. Yes. Three years ago, on this day, her finals had been over. And she had been relaxed with the knowledge that the only thing that was left now was graduating. So she had gone celebrating with her friends. Celebrating the end of an era, the end of the most beautiful time of her life, of course sad that it was over. But also eager about the beginning of a very different and exciting one. She had been young and naïve.
She had thought she wouldn’t lose anything.
Until that night she came home to the worst news she had ever received.
She hadn’t cried. No. She had asked when it had happened. In the afternoon. She had asked why they hadn’t felt the need to call her. No answer. She had asked again and again until her brother had said that they hadn’t wanted to ruin her day, the one day she had been looking forward to all year.
She had thought she deserved to know. She had thought she should have been called to her side, even if they wouldn’t let her near her. Even if she wouldn’t be able to see her. Even if… She had wanted to just… be there.
As she had sat alone in her room that night, under the cover of the darkness, she had realized it had been too late. Even if she had been there on that exact moment, it still would have been too late. Because she hadn’t been with her, by her side for years. What difference would it have made if she had been there to see her give her last breath?
Regrets… She had a few.
Her mother had a full-time job. Even when she was little, so she hadn’t been brought up by her mother. No. It had been her grandmother all along. Not that her mother didn’t spend any time with her. No, her parents spent as much time with Defne and her brother as they could. But still, the majority of her childhood was spent under the care of her grandmother.
Grandmother… She knew only one, since her dad’s mother had died before she was even born. And that one person had been her world.
Defne would run into her grandma’s arms every morning when her mum would drop her at her house before going to work. That caring old lady had always been the one to sit by her side and watch cartoons with her all morning. She had been the one to admire the houses Defne used to build up of Legos. Yeah, her grandma would carefully take the Lego-house she’d spent the afternoon creating and would put it in the cabinet on display for everyone to see.
Her grandma had been the one to teach her how to slurp down a soft boiled egg.
She had been the one to cook her favorite meals so that Defne could never leave her house without her belly forming into a smooth satisfied bump.
She had been the one to buy Defne her first favorite dress: A cherry patterned red and white dress with a frilly skirt.
She had been the one to take Defne out to the park.
She had been the one person Defne used to cling tightly to when saying goodbye, even if it was just for the night. The little girl would hug her grandma and kiss her on both cheeks, hug her again. She wouldn’t let go easily.
But she had no idea when that had changed, exactly.
When she was 14, maybe? Yeah, when her grandmother had first gotten sick.
It had all happened so fast. One day, they were taking her to the doctor. And not a week later, she had had an operation. Because she had breast cancer. Because it hadn’t been an early diagnosis. Because the one person who cared about everyone else’s safety and well-being so much, hadn’t been able to recognize something was wrong with herself. Because none of them had realized it.
Defne had had no idea how to act like when she had first gone to see her grandmother in the hospital. She had had no idea what to expect. She could never have dreamt that a person could crumble like that in such short time. Because the woman in that hospital bed, her face thin and her voice weak. Her eyes full of sorrow and her body exhausted. She was nothing like the person Defne used to know. She wasn’t the person who would always run from one place to another, so energetic and lively. She seemed like just an empty shell. A shadow of her former self. Would only the lack of one breast make such a difference in a person?
She would give both of her newly forming ones just to get her grandmother back.
They hadn’t been able to celebrate her birthday that year because she was still in the hospital.
One year later, the doctors had discovered that the disgusting disease wasn’t finished with her. Colon, it was now. And how was it that it had been able to spread around if the doctors were keeping everything under control with even more disgusting treatment methods like chemotherapy and radiotherapy?
This time, Defne had been ready to take the impact. She had bought her flowers. Not dead ones. Real, alive violets in a pot.
And still she lay in the bed like a ghost, even worse than the last time she had been there.
No birthdays. No vacations.
It would have been okay if only she could get better. If only they could all gather up in her house and eat delicious meals she served. Watch the news with grandpa and help grandma clean up the kitchen after dinner.
But, no. Defne couldn’t take care of her. And she couldn’t take care of her granddaughter. That might have been the reason why they saw each other less and less.
Or it might have been cowardice. It might have been the fact that Defne was such a big coward that she couldn’t face her grandmother and stand the pain the old woman was feeling. It might have been the fact that she never knew what to say to the one person she thought she knew better than anyone else in the world.
Or it might have been the excuse of heavy studies. Her grandmother had always wanted her to study, get well educated and be able to stand on her two feet someday.
But by that time, the disease had already nestled in her hipbone. She was in pain. And this time, no surgery would relieve her from it. Her grandmother had been so sick that she had forgotten to wish her good luck for the exam she had to pass in order to attend the college she wanted. And when she had gone to see her, the old woman had cried, her tears falling freely from her hollow eyes. She hadn’t been able to accept the fact that she had forgotten such a big day of her beloved Defne’s life.
Defne had told her it was okay. Hugged her. Told her that she understood.
Her grandma had wanted to see her high school graduation ceremony. But she hadn’t been able to. Because she had been in so much pain that she hadn’t even been able to get up.
And she hadn’t been able to se her graduate from college.
She had already been buried by then.
Defne came to a halt at the corner of a street she might have passed by a hundred times that day as she felt something wet on her face. It hadn’t been her tears, she already knew they had stopped flowing in the hours she wandered around the city.
She looked up to the once-bright sky and saw the dark rain clouds. It was raining.
But her hood was already placed on her head. So she just kept walking.
Regretting.
Why hadn’t she been with her when she could? When there was still the opportunity? Why did she always have to run away from other people’s pain? Why did she always have to be so weak?
There was no way to recycle the wasted time passed without her grandma.
But the trash can was full.
And she was still away from her family. This time, from everyone. Her mum, her dad, her brother… Because she had run away after that summer. Again, using the excuse of studies.
And when she’d come back in the holidays, nothing would ever be the same. Somehow, they had all started to treat her differently. Like the way she used to treat her grandma. Like they were afraid of her pain, scared of smashing under the weight of it.
And last year, they hadn’t exactly welcomed the news about her career choice. That had certainly driven a wedge between Defne and her family. She hadn’t even went back home in the summer. She had the excuse of touring.
But when she passed by a phone booth, she didn’t scramble inside in order to get away from the rain. No. She needed to call home.
The phone rang and rang and rang. No one picked it up.
She stared blankly at the receiver in her hand for some time, then thought of calling her brother.
He answered on the third ring.
“Hello?”
“Hey…”
There was silence on the other end of the phone, way past the Atlantic.
“Defne?” asked a bewildered voice.
“Yeah, it’s me.” she muttered.
“Where have you been? We haven’t heard from you in ages…”
“Well, I. Uhmm, I’m on tour.”
“Still?”
“No. Ummm. The other one’s long o-over. T-this is different… We’re, uhhm. We’re opening for a famous rock band.”
“Really, which one?” His tone was interested.
“You wouldn’t know them. Not really your scene.”
He laughed on the other end of the line and she relaxed.
“Really? And what exactly is my scene?”
“Oh, just shut up…” she mumbled smiling into the receiver.
“Okay. So, how’s it going now?” She knew he was asking if they were making any progress as a band in the music industry.
“Well… Everything’s just. You know what? It’s just perfect, right now. We got a few offers from labels. Even a couple major labels…”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah… And the shows are amazing. We’ve got fans, now.”
She could almost hear him smile over the phone. “I’m glad.”
“Me too.”
They both didn’t know what to say next so there was a big silence before Defne finally spoke up and got to the heart of the conversation.
“So… D-did you. Did you go to s-see her today?”
He sighed. “Yeah, of course. I always do.”
“I wish I could, too.” she muttered silently.
“You can.” he stated mildly, pressing the subject without smothering her too much.
“Not now. I. I can’t. Really… no.”
“Then why did you call? Just to let me know that you’re not coming back?” he sounded frustrated.
“I called home. No one answered. And I just… nee – wanted to talk –”
“Mum and dad were here, they just left.”
“Oh.”
Again, her brother didn’t say a word. “Ummm. How’s Deniz?” she asked, knowing that her nephew must have grown so much in the past year and a half.
“He’s fine. Giggling and running around like always… Oh, but you never saw him run around, right? Well…”
She let out a sharp breath. “Just, please.” She hissed between her clenched teeth. “Cut it, will you?”
She could feel his head shake. “I don’t understand you.”
“You don’t need to. And I’m not asking you to. I left. Because I wanted something. And now I’m closer to it than I’ve ever been and I’m not giving up.” She said heatedly. “I just… wanted to see if everyone was okay.” She finished silently.
“Well, everyone’s fine.” He stated coldly.
“Dad?”
“He’s okay.”
“His heart?”
“It’s okay. He goes to his doctor regularly. Nothing’s wrong with his valve, anymore.”
“Ummm. Tell them I said hi, then, okay?”
“I will.”
“Thanks. By –”
“Defne?” he cut her goodbye.
“Hmm?”
“I’m going to attend a conference in the States, next month. Your cell number’s the same, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, I’ll call you, then. Maybe we can meet up?”
“Yeah, okay. Maybe… By –”
“Deff?”
“What?”
“Are you okay?”
She thought it over for sometime. “I’m fine. Better, now.”
“Good.”
“Okay, bye.”
“Bye.”
She stayed in the phone booth, thinking, until it got completely dark. Then she knew it was time to get back to the hotel.
And she stepped into the pouring rain, getting soaked trying desperately to find her way back to the hotel. She shivered the whole way, shrinking into her already too-wet hoodie, every inch of her body cold. She slipped and fell a few times on the smooth watery surface of the sidewalks as she tried to walk quickly. She hit her back to the external mirror of a car pretty hard, hearing the loud crack while she felt the stabbing pain at the same time. An hour or two might have passed until she found the hotel.
But soon, she realized they were supposed to be in the bus at this hour because they had to leave before midnight in order to catch up with their schedule. So now, she had to find her way to the parking area where the tour bus was located.
She barely made it up the narrow steps of the bus to the front lounge area. The carpeting got soaked from all the water dripping down from her body.
No one seemed to be up besides the driver, whom she had seen seated behind the wheel, ready to take off. She didn’t notice the figure sitting on the couch in the shadows until he spoke up.
“You’re back.”
Her head snapped in the direction the voice had come from and she squinted to see more clearly although she had recognized the unmistakable voice.
“Yeah.” She responded.
“You’re just in time. We have to leave in half an hour.” His tone wasn’t light. He actually sounded like he was trying really hard not to sound mad.
“I know, Zack. That’s why I’m here.” she said, not in the mood to take bullshit from anyone.
“We had to clear out your room with the spare key because you know what? You were nowhere to be seen when it was time to fucking check out.” He said with a cutting edge of sarcasm.
She stared at him without blinking. “Well, thanks. How damn thoughtful of you.” She wouldn’t welcome hostility with open arms, even if it came from her best friend.
Itching for a hot shower and warm clothes, she moved towards the hallway which led to the bathroom and the bunks.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Zack called with clenched teeth.
She sighed sharply and turned around, walking closer, to face the blonde guitarist square in the face. “What is this about, Zack?”
He chuckled humorlessly. It was actually a pretty harsh sound. “What is this about? What is this about?” he repeated, wonder and venom dripping from his tone. “Maybe it’s about you fucking running away to someplace without even letting anyone know –”
“I didn’t run away to some place, I was just walking around.”
“It doesn’t matter!” he shouted. “You could have told someone first. Or you could have taken your phone with you. Then maybe we wouldn’t have worried our asses out whole day long for you.”
“You know I can take care of myself.” she hissed.
“Yeah, I can see that. You can take care of yourself so good, that the hunched soaked girl, who just stepped on the bus, scuffing her feet wasn’t you!”
Her jaw clenched and she glared at him with furious passion. “Oh, it was me. But you don’t need to worry your pretty little head about me Zachary, I’m fine.” she spit.
He shook his head at her use of his full name. “Oh, excuse me for thinking about someone else beside myself. I won’t do it again.”
Her eyes widened. “You’re accusing me of being selfish?” she yelled. She could feel something desperately flutter to stay alive in her ribcage. But her worst fear had come true. Now, everyone was thinking she was selfish, too.
“Yes. I am.” He stated matter-of-factly. “If you had spared a single fucking thought about what we all would feel like when we couldn’t reach you, we couldn’t find you in your room, you wouldn’t have fucking disappeared just like that.”
“Fuck you! I just wanted to be alone for sometime!” she cried. “Is that too much to ask? To be left alone in your head for a while?”
“Well, then, you could have come and said ‘Hey guys, I need some air to clear out my head, I’m gonna walk around a bit.’ But you didn’t. And you shut off your phone. Hell, you left it in your room.” He said. “What do you think we felt like when we couldn’t get any response from the other side of the room as we stood in front of the door yelling your name? What do you think passed through my mind at those moments? Anything could have happened…”
She tried to understand him. He was making sense. He had been worried. All her friends had been worried. About her. But all the emotions she kept bottled up in her chest for so long got the better of her and she yelled in is face.
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I should have asked for your permission to go out. Well, you know what? I don’t need anyone’s fucking permission! Hell, you’re not my father… You’re not my fucking brother! ”
When she recognized the shadow suddenly forming in the dark blue eyes of the guitarist, it was too late to take back her words. Zack’s shapely brows crumbled into a thoughtful frown as his mouth became crooked with pain.
He stood up abruptly, towering over her smaller figure for a moment before staring into her eyes and muttering forcefully.
“It’s good that we got that out on the clear. I used to think of you as my sister. But well, if you don’t want a brother…”
And he stepped away from her like she was the most disgusting thing on the face of the earth, making his way towards his bunk quickly.
She just blinked after him, unable to form any other response to the whole scenario that had only now played out in front of her. She blinked and blinked but the tears didn’t come. She had ran out of tears for today.
So the hunched singer scuffed her feet along the hallway towards her suitcase, getting out something appropriate to wear for bed. She started to shiver again as the adrenaline left her bloodstream. So she grabbed her towel and made her way to the tiny bathroom of the bus.
Someone yanked the wet sleeve of her hoodie as she passed by the bunks. It was Devon.
“I heard raised voices.” he stated.
She shrugged. “I’m sorry if we woke you. Go back to sleep.”
“I wasn’t having the nicest of dreams, anyways.” he whispered and added as an afterthought. “Were you arguing with Zack?”
The singer nodded, splashing around some stray water drops from her hair.
“Were you worried about me, too?” she asked shyly.
“Well, yeah. But Zack was panicking and someone had to keep him in line so I had to stay calm. I told him that you’re a big girl and you can take care of yourself.”
“I think I just… I said something I really didn’t mean.” She confessed.
“The brother thing?” he asked sympathetically.
“You heard?” she whispered, wincing.
He just nodded.
“I was so mad… I shouldn’t have. I should have just walked off.” she choke out.
“It’ll be okay.” The bassist said, smiling. “You know how much he loves you. You’ll just apologize tomorrow.”
She swallowed the thickness in her throat. “You didn’t see it in his eyes.” She muttered.
He squeezed her hand, getting up and pecking her on the cheek. “It’ll be fine.” he reassured.
She stared in his bright dark-green orbs and tried out a hesitant smile.
“Yeah, that’s how you smile.” said Devon. “Now go take a shower. You’re gonna get sick.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The hot shower helped take Defne’s shivering under control, but the blank coldness deep inside her chest was still stinging as she dried and put on her old black sweats.
Her back, where she had hit the external mirror earlier in the evening, had started to ache after the hot water boiled her muscles and left a relaxed mess in their place. And now she had to blow dry her hair but she couldn’t: When she raised her arm up over her head to use the hair dryer, a weird muscle in her back that was probably connected to her arm made her wince in pain.
Her face twisted as she tried a few more times, but she couldn’t hold the stance for long.
“You need help with that?” a voice called from near the half open door.
She turned towards him to shake her head no. “I’m fine.”
Gerard took in her pale and exhausted state and tried again. “It’s obvious that you’re in pain.” he said softly. “Where did you hurt your back?”
“I slipped and fell. Hit the side of a parked car.” she murmured silently, almost in an ashamed tone.
The other singer sighed. “I’m glad you didn’t hit a moving car.” he muttered in a hushed way. “We were worried about you.”
She cast her eyes to the floor in an embarrassed gesture. “I’m sorry.” she said placidly. “I didn’t mean to –”
“It’s all right.” he said, stepping up in front of her. “You’re fine, and that’s what matters.”
She tilted her head back and studied his eyes.
“Let me help you, huh?” he asked tentatively.
She nodded compliantly after giving it some thought and Gerard took the blow drier and the comb from her hands, his fingers brushing against hers lightly in the process.
He carefully combed her hair first, disentangling the knots in sweet, gentle strokes of the comb.
She hadn’t felt so peaceful in so long. She had almost forgotten how good it felt for someone to comb your hair lightly and slowly, taking his time with it. Her father used to do it for her when she was a little girl. He would carefully comb out her long dark hair into perfect straight locks. And there was no such feeling in the whole world to compete with all the kindness, peace and safety in that one act.
Gerard patiently loosened the rebellious knots of her hair, not only using the comb but also running his left hand through the locks from time to time. He wanted to take care of her especially when she had given permission to him to do so. He wanted to show her that it felt good to be taken care of, sometimes.
After he was done with that task, he moved on to blow drying the silky soft yet thick hair in his hands. He could see her reflection from the mirror she was standing in front of. Her eyes were closed, her face totally slack with peace. As he ran his hands through the dense material of her dark strands, soft, involuntary little noises escaped her dainty lips. A sigh. A mewl. A hum.
And he fell in love with every one of those tiny bits of vocal expressions. And the facial expressions.
But, although he took his time, her hair immediately got dry. And he didn’t want to burn it with unnecessary artificial heat and damage the sparkling beauty of it, so he turned off the machine.
Defne didn’t realize the constant humming of the blow drier had stopped for some time. At least, until Gerard wrapped his arms around her waist and leaned against her back, that is.
Her head instantly fell back to rest on his right shoulder and she opened her eyes as he whispered sweetly in her ear.
“Being taken care of feels wonderful sometimes, doesn’t it?”
She’d have tensed up at the question but that seemed physically impossible at the position and moment she was in. So she just settled for not answering the question.
Gerard’s arms tightened around her at her silence and he whispered once again.
“You don’t always have to be strong.”
She frowned and turned to face him. But she didn’t know what to say. “I –”
His hand came to tilt her chin up as he smiled at her, lowering his face toward hers. She took support from his shoulders, planting her hands on each one of them and leaned upwards to the kiss. She needed this. The comfort. But more than anything, she wanted this. She wanted him. Gerard. And she suddenly wanted him to know it. In a reckless moment of decision, all shyness cast aside, she kissed him just like she wanted to. Soft and sweet. Deep and devouring. Slow and silent. Passionate and desperate.
Electric jolts ran through their bodies, signaling their muscles to hold on tighter, to wrap around, to squeeze, to never let go. And as their mouths scissored against each other, Gerard’s tongue poke out tentatively. To tease, to beg for permission, to lick around her bottom lip for so long that she gave a strangled cry into his mouth in the end, inching open her lips, granting him full access to the inside.
And they played around, like kids under the warm afternoon sun. And they fought. As if the inside of their mouths was a battle field and their tongues were their only weapons.
When they obeyed the desperate cries of their lungs and broke the kiss for air, they clung to each other. As if they were afraid the other would disappear in thin air.
Gerard planted tiny kisses on the back of her jaw line, as she stood plastered against his front, her arms wrapped around his neck, while she only blew warm air into his soft black hair.
Long after they broke apart, the velvet feel of his lips lingered on hers. His silent whisper rang out in her ears.
“Just sleep.”
“Can’t rain all the time…”
Eric Draven ( The Crow)
A/N: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, for how long have I been sitting in front of the computer, writing this? I seriously amnot gonna be able to sleep with my back and neck killing me.
I actually thought of stopping writing and posting this in two chapters but I couldn’t stop writing. I had to get it all out. Gahhh, I’m tired. Such a long chapter, guys. I guess you could consider this as a thank you for all those beautiful reviews :)
And the early parts of this chapter was actually really emotional to write, so maybe that was why I kept writing until 4.44 am (Yes, it actually is 4.44 am here, right now!)
Keep the reviews coming, I get all happy and bouncy with joy when I see them! And of course, you could always rate ;)
And sorry for any typos or such, I’m sleepy.
Well, bye. I’ll go to sleep now…
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