FicWad

“The abuse started after Kelly was born. I look back now and realize that was when the physical abuse started. Before that the metal abuse was taking place but I was too stupid to see. He was slowly cutting me off from my friends. He was making it so that there was no one in my life but him. My mother was dying and I was trying to deal with that. He never once helped me with my mother. Thank God, the hospice people were there for me.”
“What was wrong with your mom?” Liv turned her head to look over at Monica.
“Lung cancer.” She answered sadly.
Liv shook her head, “Sorry.”
Monica continued, “The first time he abused me he swore he’d never do it again. He said he’d just lost his temper. He said he was just punishing me for making him lose his temper.” She took a deep breath willing herself to be strong, not to let the memories control her. “He made me lay still while he took a knife and cut my back. I was terrified; I just kept thinking none of it was real. That he would realize what he was doing to me and stop. But he didn’t, he loved the pain he caused me. I learned to close my eyes and not look at his face because I could see how much he enjoyed my pain. Each time after he was through he would remind me that what he did was for my own good. That he was trying to teach me not to make him lose his temper.” She blinked back tears vowing never to shed them over these memories again.
“Oh, so it was your fault?” Liv said sarcastically. “He tried to make it your fault.”
Monica nodded, “Yeah and I was so stupid I couldn’t see that. I would let him hurt me. I would let him cut me because in some sick way I believed I deserved the pain.”
“Why didn’t you walk?” Liv asked trying to understand. “Why didn’t you just get out?”
“Because by this time I had been emotionally beat down. He would hurt me then cry and tell me how sorry he was but that he was just doing it for my own good. By the time I finally realized it was never gonna stop he knew how to keep me.” She paused trying to fight the sick feeling these memories brought back, “He threatened to kill the girls is I tried to leave him. I knew that he was so mentally sick that he would. His hatred towards me so brutal that he would have killed his own children because he knew it would kill me. My daughters were the only thing I was living for. The only reason I cared if I lived or died was to make sure they were okay.”
“Fuck” Liv whispered.
“Yeah” Monica agreed with her. “My life was so fucked up, I was so fucked up I didn’t know what to do. I lived in constant fear of him. The father of my children, the man I had loved hated me that much and in some way I kept blaming myself. I would ask myself what was it about me that made him hate me so deeply.”
“Monica, it’s obvious he was demented.”
“It’s obvious now, but not then. I couldn’t see it but as the girls got older I started to worry that they would find out. The only thing I can say for certain is that if he’d ever physically hurt one of them I would have found a way to kill him.” Monica felt the bile rise from her stomach. “I would have fucking killed him.”
Liv waited a moment then asked, “So what happened?”
“I took the abuse for years. I even lost my ability to have more children when he kicked me while I was pregnant. I miscarried that baby.” Monica said looking down at her hands.
“I didn’t know.” Liv said sadly, “You and Gee can never have a child.”
Monica blinked back tears, “Nope, and that was one of the things I hated about you. You gave him what I never can.”
Liv watched her silently.
Monica took a moment then spoke, she didn’t notice her hands were shaking as she pushed the hair out of her eyes. Taking a deep breath she continued. “Finally I knew it had to stop. I knew that the girls would learn the truth. There was a small town not far from where we lived. I started taking self-defense lessons while he was away at work and the girls were in school. I guess in my heart I knew his abuse had to stop and I had to be ready to make it stop.”
“That’s good.” Liv said, “That was a positive move.”
“No” Monica corrected her, “It didn’t work out that way. He found out. He came home from work early one day and was waiting for me. He was so blinded by anger he attacked me and I realized at that moment that he was beyond trying to hide what he was doing to me. He didn’t care if he left marks on me that would show. “ Monica shuddered at the memory of that day. “He wanted to kill me.”
“Monica, I’m sorry. You don’t have to tell me anything else.” Liv said quietly.
“No, we made a deal. I’m going to tell you so that you will understand my past and how it made me the way I am.” She continued, “That day he struck he was soon as I entered the house. What he wasn’t expecting was me fighting back. The only thought in my head was this is it. If I let him he will kill me the girls will be left alone with this monster. So we fought but he was stronger then me. I tried to run but he chased me.” She closed her eyes and drew on her inner strength to continue, “I ended up on the frozen pond on our property. I hit the ice and lay there thinking he’d won. I was gonna die and the girls would be at his mercy. But something happened. I heard the ice cracking and I heard him coming for me. He was so blinded by his rage he didn’t realize what was happening. I truly believed he and I would both die and I was okay with that. I was more than willing to die if it meant taking him with me. That way the girls would be safe. As he got closer the ice cracked more. He was almost to me when he fell through. I rolled to an area where the ice was thicker and managed to get off the pond.”
“Oh God, tell me you didn’t try to save him.” Liv said
Monica wiped her eyes, “No, I didn’t. He called out to me telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was.” She took a breath. “I stood on the shore and watched him die.” She lowered her head and closed her eyes.
Liv spoke softly, “You did the right thing.”
Without raising her head Monica replied, “I did what I believed was the right thing but a part of me wanted to save him, The part that knew it was wrong to let another human being die and do nothing to help.” Monica wanted Liv to understand everything about her past. “I covered up all traces of what had happened. I didn’t want the girls to ever know what kind of a monster their father really was. The police ruled it an accidental drowning but there was suspicion. His sister didn’t believe for a minute it was an accident.”
“The sister that tried to kill you.”
“Yes, my sister-in-law that almost killed Ray. When that happened I realized my past would always haunt me.”
Both women became lost in though. Finally Liv asked, “Did Gee know this about your past when you got together?”
Monica looked up; “At first I hid it from him. The night of the Christmas Gala he found me walking home. I had overheard the two to of you talking. I heard what you said to him.” Monica whispered.
“Shit, I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, well when I saw you together I ran. I didn’t want to ever love again. I didn’t ever want to be hurt again. He found me and took me back to Donna’s. I was so cold, I stupidly took off without my coat" Memories from that night filled her mind, She'd been so afraid to tell Gee the truth. More than any other memory she remembered the feel of his lips on her back when he'd gently kissed her scars. She drew herself back to the present, "When we got there I realized I had to make him understand why I didn’t want to love him. Why I was so afraid to love him. I showed him the scars on my back. I let him see what my husband had done to me.”
“I’m sorry for what I did Monica. I didn’t know how much he was already in love with you when I showed up there.”
“I know why were there Liv, it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not okay. I threw myself at him like a whore.” She paused, “Course that’s what I am.”
Monica shook her head, “No, I don’t believe that.”
Liv decided not to argue the point, “Does he know the truth about how your husband died?
“I told him later. A picture of me showed up on the Internet. The caption under it called me a murder. I’m sure Jenn my sister-in-law posted it. I knew I had to tell him. Now you can understand my reluctance to be with him. I didn’t want my past to come to light. Of course it did anyway.”
“I’m so fucking sorry.” They both fell silent until Liv’s pain made her ask for another pill.
Monica nodded, “Tomorrow Carrie is going to bring the new pain medicine.”
“Morphine.” Liv said, “Yeah, she told me. I knew when the end was getting closer I would move on to it.”
Monica realized she felt mentally and physically drained when she stood, “I’ll be right back.” She slowly walked out of the bedroom and into the hall but came to an abrupt halt when she saw Kara on the floor leaning back against the wall. Her eyes were closed, her head lowered onto her arms. “Kara?”
Kara lifted her head and Monica could see she’d been crying.
“How long have you been here?”
“I heard the whole story.” Kara said rising slowly.
“Oh God, I’m sorry.” Monica’s eyes filled with tears for her daughter.
Kara took the few steps it took to reach her mother. She threw her arms around her and hugged her tightly. Neither said a word as they held on to each other.