Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Hotel Bella Muerte
Chapter 10:
Gerard lay, curled up into a ball, on his bed. His whole body was numb from the shock, and he was slowly waiting for the emotion to set in.
He had walked back up to his room in a zombie-like state, he could hardly remember it, if people had talked to him, if they had asked is he was okay, if they had he hadn’t replied, and that would probably be answer enough.
When he had gotten up to the room, he had found it empty, as Cassie had promised, no remnants of her remained in the room. This made it feel very empty to Gerard, like the room’s soul had disappeared with her.
He hadn’t gotten to sleep, that whole night, he had just lay awake. Thoughts were swirling round his head at such a rate that he found it hard to pinpoint one in particular. He felt like he had relived the conversation a million times over in his head and yet he still couldn’t make sense of it.
Every word she had spoken had been crushing, and he was waiting for the weight of them to snap the ropes holding them and fall down on him. He could feel tear tracks on his face, but had no idea whether they were fresh or old. He could hear voices in his head, but he was unsure what they were saying, or whether they were from the rooms around him or just a figment of his imagination. He swore he would go insane in the hotel room.
Gerard’s eyes, having been shut tight, opened and he looked straight ahead to the opposite side of the bed, where Cassie, if last nights events had not occurred, would have been sleeping.
Slowly he unravelled his arms from around his knees and stretched them out, his legs accompanying the action. He turned over to face the small bedside table and saw that the clock flashed “3:00” in red lights. He would have groaned if he had anything that he needed to get up for.
This numb feeling was really starting to scare him, he had to feel something about what had just happened. He couldn’t be an empty shell. Or maybe that is what this had reduced him to. A lifeless body, cold and on automatic.
He sat up, cradling his head in his hands, and let out a long breath, a cross between a sigh and a groan. If only he had somebody here to help him through this. But Cassie was the only one he knew around here, apart from Ray, but he would feel guilty to ask Ray to burden his problems when his parents had just died. He would not be that selfish. He thought about who else he could contact. His mother would fuss over him, and that was not what he needed right now. He wanted to contact Mikey, but he had been away, travelling, recently. He could be half way across the world for all Gerard knew, and he didn’t want to pull him away from all that.
So that left him alone. He didn’t want to be alone, he felt too vulnerable, too hollow. This feeling overtook him and he suddenly felt the stabs of pain he should have felt hours ago, rip through him. It was almost unbearable. He shut his eyes tight as a few, treacherous and acidic tears streamed from his eyes. He choked back a sob and clutched onto the side of the bedside table.
Is this what it felt like when your heart broke? If it wasn’t then Gerard couldn’t imagine what else would cause him this sort of pain. He was practically gasping for air as memories rushed past his closed eyelids. Of Cassie, of times they had spent together, of things they had done. He cursed himself for being to trusting, for pouring his heart out to her and being rejected. She didn’t care about him, perhaps she had never cared. She definitely didn’t love him. But he had loved her, and that made it all the harder. He did not want to feel this way. He felt anger in himself for being so weak. How could you feel this bad over a girl? But even as he thought that he knew why. He pushed the thoughts away. Getting up and stumbling towards the small refrigerator under the desk.
Alcohol.
It wouldn’t cure him, but it would certainly weaken the turmoil he felt within himself. A temporary cure. A quick fix. That was all he wanted. To face his emotions later. Then he would be fine. Everything would be back to normal. Or so he told himself.
He grabbed the small, metal handle and wrenched the door open.
Empty.
He stared into the small box, his eyes boring into the back of it. A small note was resting on the top shelf. He recognised the handwriting instantly and snatched it up. Reading the note with feverous haste.
After reading it a dozen time, his eyes not registering the words the first few, he threw it away and let out a noise of mingled disgust and fury.
The note glided gently down to the floor, despite the vicious way it had been released, and landed gently on the beige carpet. It read:
Gerard, I know you are hurting right now, but this is not the way to solve anything. Please don’t do anything stupid. Please don’t hurt yourself.
Cassie
What did she know? She should have thought about that before she had trodden on his heart with her stilettos. Not that she ever wore stilettos, as she found them too ostentatious. Gerard hit his head with the base of his palm. Stop thinking about her.
He glared down at the small piece of paper, wishing he could burn it with his mind alone. The attempt was futile and he just let out a yell of frustration and kicked over the small trash can, that had previously stood neatly next to the desk.
There were other places to get alcohol, Gerard thought. His mind racing, though his brain was still working a lot slower than usual. He mentally slapped himself for this and continued on his now one-tracked mind.
The hotel bar. He had seen it, just outside the restaurant. She could hardly stop them serving him, and even if she had, it was worth a shot. Besides she couldn’t have got round the whole of New York. He would find somewhere.
He strode over to the door, grabbing his jacket, and throwing open the door.
Gerard almost ran up to the hotel bar. He glanced around, taking in his surroundings, not many people were there, as it was still early afternoon. There was just one man sitting in the corner, talking rapidly on the phone. A girl with her back to Gerard and leaning over a book. But Gerard only really took in one person. The bartender. He was all he needed to help him get through the day.
Gerard dropped into the welcoming seat at the bar. The bartender looked up at him and gave him a wide smile, showing a lot of pearly white teeth.
“Hello, sir. What can I get for you today?” He said, in a sing-song voice that irritated Gerard slightly, though he ignored it.
“Whatever is strongest. Please.” Gerard said, in a rush, the words falling over eachother.
The bartender raised an eyebrow, but didn’t ask any questions. Gerard guessed that was how he had been taught, and he liked it that way.
“Coming right up.” He replied as he turned around and poured a few different liquids into a shot glass.
Gerard’s eyes lit up as the drink was brought over to him. He reached out to grab it instantly, muttering a quick thanks.
He barely looked at the dark liquid about to enter his system, but instead downed it in one. The instant it had passed his lips he felt warmer. A lot more relaxed. He breathed out and a grin stretched across his face. This was what he needed.
“Another.” Gerard commanded. Forgetting all manners and formalities. There was no time for that anymore. He only cared about the miracle liquid that was flooding though his system. He wanted to erase all pain. All thought. All feeling. He wanted to drift off into that carefree place that alcohol took him to. Where he could be at peace.
Gerard was slumped against the counter. He let out a soft giggle and a small hiccup. Who needed that bitch anyway? She was just messing with his head. Now, now he could get on with his life. Go out to parties, drink, do something dangerous. He could try skydiving! Or bungee jumping! Whatever! Cassie was no longer there to tie him down. He was a free man. He laughed at the notion.
“Sir, I think you should call it a day.” The bartender suggested. Gerard looked up and noted the concern in his eyes.
“Why?” Gerard asked. Brows furrowed, a slur in his voice.
“I think you have had enough to drink, sir. It is getting late.” The man replied.
Gerard grunted, “Don’t tell me what to fucking do…” He said. Head crashing against the bar. “Oww…”
“Sir, I really think you should go up to your room and get some rest.” The bartender pressed. He had come round to Gerard’s side of the bar now and had leant down to check that Gerard was still conscious.
“Fine! Fuck you!” Gerard said. Downing his last glass and slamming it back down, “I know where I’m not wanted.”
The bartender did not reply, nor did he get angry. Obviously he had dealt with this sort of thing before. He helped Gerard to his feet, but Gerard pushed him away.
“I can walk by myself!” He said, the slur in his voice and his stumble to the side eradicated the conviction in his voice.
Another pair of arms caught him. A hand, softer than the bartender’s supported his back. Guiding him across the floor.
“I will take him up.” A woman’s voice said. Gerard screwed up his face. He didn’t want to be near another woman right now. Cassie’s face still plaguing his mind, though his body was too weak to push her away. Besides, there was something gentle about this woman that comforted him.
“Okay, miss, find out which room he is in from reception.” The bartenders voice called after them.
“I can tell her myself!” Gerard snapped, trying to turn his body to glare at the man. But the woman’s hold was too tight and Gerard didn’t have the strength to fight it. He inhaled her sweet scent and his head drooped against her shoulder.
“So what is it then?” She asked. Guiding him somewhere, though he wasn’t in the right mind to concentrate on where.
“What?” He asked as his head spun.
“Your room number?” She prompted.
“243.” Gerard replied lazily as he heard elevator doors slide open, “floor 7.”
“Right you are.” She said, trying to support his weight. “What is your name?”
“Gerard.” Gerard mumbled. Why did this person care? Then he realised she was probably asking the questions so that he wouldn’t fall unconscious. He grinned to himself and started humming a tune to a song he couldn’t remember the name of. Perhaps it wasn’t a song at all. Who knows?
“Okay, Gerard, my name is Kerry.” The woman answered. Keeping her tone steady, as if she had done this several times before. “How old are you?”
“21.” Gerard answered automatically.
“Why are you here at the hotel?” Kerry asked, trying to keep things conversational, even though it was obvious what she was doing.
“Took my fucking girlfriend here for a fucking holiday, though she isn’t my fucking girlfriend anymore.” Gerard said, still slurring.
“Oh, I see…” Kerry said, comprehension dawning on her.
“Do you?” Gerard asked as the elevator grinded to a halt and they stepped out. Or rather Kerry stepped out and dragged Gerard along with her.
“Unfortunately, yes. Only too well.” Kerry answered.
“Why are you helping me?” Gerard cut in. if he hadn’t been pissed out of his mind he probably wouldn’t have been so rude as to ask.
“Let us just say I have experience in this sort of thing?” Kerry replied, her tone was hard to read.
“What kind of experience?” Gerard asked, again, letting the alcohol interrupt his manners.
Kerry laughed, a humourless laugh, “I won’t bore you with it. Do you have a card key?”
“Pocket.” Gerard said flatly. Gesturing towards his jacket.
He seemed to be too incompetent to get it himself so Kerry took it off him and dug through each pocket.
“How much crap do you have in here?” Kerry asked, pulling out, a pair of sunglasses, food wrappers, a phone, some keys, a few stray coins and a lot of paper and pencils.
“I draw.” Gerard muttered.
“I can see that…” Kerry said. As she finally found the card key she had been looking for. She swiped it through the lock and the door clicked open.
Kerry struggled as she pulled Gerard inside. She managed to haul him over to the bed where he flopped down. Stretching across the soft mattress. Kerry sighed and placed the things that had previously been the contents of Gerard’s pockets, onto the bedside table.
She headed towards the door.
“You’re leaving?” Gerard asked suddenly. He was overcome with a desire for her to stay, though he had no idea why.
“Umm… do you want me to?” Kerry asked, uncertain.
“No!” Gerard said. Shaking his head. Instantly regretting this action as his head started to pound. He reached his hand up to it. “Fuck.”
Kerry walked over and pressed her hand against his chest, forcing him to lie back. “If I am going to stay, you are going to have to rest and take it easy.”
Gerard muttered something incomprehensible. But obeyed and lay down more comfortably.
Kerry shook her own head and brought a chair over to the bedside. She picked up the drawings that lay on the small table and flicked through them.
Gerard watched her silently, trying to ignore the constant buzzing in his ear. He yawned, but did not want to go to sleep. Fascinated by the woman sitting in front of him. Taking her in for the first time. She had long, dark red hair that was naturally straight. She had bright blue eyes that were carefully analysing his drawings.
“They’re good.” She stated, after having looked over them a few times, a note of surprise in her voice. She smiled.
“They’re just doodles…” Gerard mumbled, sleep starting to swarm his body. Though he forced his eyes open.
“Go to sleep, Gerard. I will stay here if you want?” Kerry asked, hardly able to miss Gerard’s dreariness.
Gerard nodded his head dully. Abandoning his attempts to remain in the land of the living, he closed his eyes and drifted off.
Hello everyone! Sorry I couldn't update yesterday, I had guitar and then a D of E meeting. But I have given you this extra long chapter today to keep you occupied :P I hope you enjoyed this, and yes, this is written before Gerard sobers up. God love him that he did :D Thank you for all the support so far, it has been great. Please keep it coming, it motivates me to write more. Thanks xxx GWHTHAVOAA
Gerard lay, curled up into a ball, on his bed. His whole body was numb from the shock, and he was slowly waiting for the emotion to set in.
He had walked back up to his room in a zombie-like state, he could hardly remember it, if people had talked to him, if they had asked is he was okay, if they had he hadn’t replied, and that would probably be answer enough.
When he had gotten up to the room, he had found it empty, as Cassie had promised, no remnants of her remained in the room. This made it feel very empty to Gerard, like the room’s soul had disappeared with her.
He hadn’t gotten to sleep, that whole night, he had just lay awake. Thoughts were swirling round his head at such a rate that he found it hard to pinpoint one in particular. He felt like he had relived the conversation a million times over in his head and yet he still couldn’t make sense of it.
Every word she had spoken had been crushing, and he was waiting for the weight of them to snap the ropes holding them and fall down on him. He could feel tear tracks on his face, but had no idea whether they were fresh or old. He could hear voices in his head, but he was unsure what they were saying, or whether they were from the rooms around him or just a figment of his imagination. He swore he would go insane in the hotel room.
Gerard’s eyes, having been shut tight, opened and he looked straight ahead to the opposite side of the bed, where Cassie, if last nights events had not occurred, would have been sleeping.
Slowly he unravelled his arms from around his knees and stretched them out, his legs accompanying the action. He turned over to face the small bedside table and saw that the clock flashed “3:00” in red lights. He would have groaned if he had anything that he needed to get up for.
This numb feeling was really starting to scare him, he had to feel something about what had just happened. He couldn’t be an empty shell. Or maybe that is what this had reduced him to. A lifeless body, cold and on automatic.
He sat up, cradling his head in his hands, and let out a long breath, a cross between a sigh and a groan. If only he had somebody here to help him through this. But Cassie was the only one he knew around here, apart from Ray, but he would feel guilty to ask Ray to burden his problems when his parents had just died. He would not be that selfish. He thought about who else he could contact. His mother would fuss over him, and that was not what he needed right now. He wanted to contact Mikey, but he had been away, travelling, recently. He could be half way across the world for all Gerard knew, and he didn’t want to pull him away from all that.
So that left him alone. He didn’t want to be alone, he felt too vulnerable, too hollow. This feeling overtook him and he suddenly felt the stabs of pain he should have felt hours ago, rip through him. It was almost unbearable. He shut his eyes tight as a few, treacherous and acidic tears streamed from his eyes. He choked back a sob and clutched onto the side of the bedside table.
Is this what it felt like when your heart broke? If it wasn’t then Gerard couldn’t imagine what else would cause him this sort of pain. He was practically gasping for air as memories rushed past his closed eyelids. Of Cassie, of times they had spent together, of things they had done. He cursed himself for being to trusting, for pouring his heart out to her and being rejected. She didn’t care about him, perhaps she had never cared. She definitely didn’t love him. But he had loved her, and that made it all the harder. He did not want to feel this way. He felt anger in himself for being so weak. How could you feel this bad over a girl? But even as he thought that he knew why. He pushed the thoughts away. Getting up and stumbling towards the small refrigerator under the desk.
Alcohol.
It wouldn’t cure him, but it would certainly weaken the turmoil he felt within himself. A temporary cure. A quick fix. That was all he wanted. To face his emotions later. Then he would be fine. Everything would be back to normal. Or so he told himself.
He grabbed the small, metal handle and wrenched the door open.
Empty.
He stared into the small box, his eyes boring into the back of it. A small note was resting on the top shelf. He recognised the handwriting instantly and snatched it up. Reading the note with feverous haste.
After reading it a dozen time, his eyes not registering the words the first few, he threw it away and let out a noise of mingled disgust and fury.
The note glided gently down to the floor, despite the vicious way it had been released, and landed gently on the beige carpet. It read:
Gerard, I know you are hurting right now, but this is not the way to solve anything. Please don’t do anything stupid. Please don’t hurt yourself.
Cassie
What did she know? She should have thought about that before she had trodden on his heart with her stilettos. Not that she ever wore stilettos, as she found them too ostentatious. Gerard hit his head with the base of his palm. Stop thinking about her.
He glared down at the small piece of paper, wishing he could burn it with his mind alone. The attempt was futile and he just let out a yell of frustration and kicked over the small trash can, that had previously stood neatly next to the desk.
There were other places to get alcohol, Gerard thought. His mind racing, though his brain was still working a lot slower than usual. He mentally slapped himself for this and continued on his now one-tracked mind.
The hotel bar. He had seen it, just outside the restaurant. She could hardly stop them serving him, and even if she had, it was worth a shot. Besides she couldn’t have got round the whole of New York. He would find somewhere.
He strode over to the door, grabbing his jacket, and throwing open the door.
Gerard almost ran up to the hotel bar. He glanced around, taking in his surroundings, not many people were there, as it was still early afternoon. There was just one man sitting in the corner, talking rapidly on the phone. A girl with her back to Gerard and leaning over a book. But Gerard only really took in one person. The bartender. He was all he needed to help him get through the day.
Gerard dropped into the welcoming seat at the bar. The bartender looked up at him and gave him a wide smile, showing a lot of pearly white teeth.
“Hello, sir. What can I get for you today?” He said, in a sing-song voice that irritated Gerard slightly, though he ignored it.
“Whatever is strongest. Please.” Gerard said, in a rush, the words falling over eachother.
The bartender raised an eyebrow, but didn’t ask any questions. Gerard guessed that was how he had been taught, and he liked it that way.
“Coming right up.” He replied as he turned around and poured a few different liquids into a shot glass.
Gerard’s eyes lit up as the drink was brought over to him. He reached out to grab it instantly, muttering a quick thanks.
He barely looked at the dark liquid about to enter his system, but instead downed it in one. The instant it had passed his lips he felt warmer. A lot more relaxed. He breathed out and a grin stretched across his face. This was what he needed.
“Another.” Gerard commanded. Forgetting all manners and formalities. There was no time for that anymore. He only cared about the miracle liquid that was flooding though his system. He wanted to erase all pain. All thought. All feeling. He wanted to drift off into that carefree place that alcohol took him to. Where he could be at peace.
Gerard was slumped against the counter. He let out a soft giggle and a small hiccup. Who needed that bitch anyway? She was just messing with his head. Now, now he could get on with his life. Go out to parties, drink, do something dangerous. He could try skydiving! Or bungee jumping! Whatever! Cassie was no longer there to tie him down. He was a free man. He laughed at the notion.
“Sir, I think you should call it a day.” The bartender suggested. Gerard looked up and noted the concern in his eyes.
“Why?” Gerard asked. Brows furrowed, a slur in his voice.
“I think you have had enough to drink, sir. It is getting late.” The man replied.
Gerard grunted, “Don’t tell me what to fucking do…” He said. Head crashing against the bar. “Oww…”
“Sir, I really think you should go up to your room and get some rest.” The bartender pressed. He had come round to Gerard’s side of the bar now and had leant down to check that Gerard was still conscious.
“Fine! Fuck you!” Gerard said. Downing his last glass and slamming it back down, “I know where I’m not wanted.”
The bartender did not reply, nor did he get angry. Obviously he had dealt with this sort of thing before. He helped Gerard to his feet, but Gerard pushed him away.
“I can walk by myself!” He said, the slur in his voice and his stumble to the side eradicated the conviction in his voice.
Another pair of arms caught him. A hand, softer than the bartender’s supported his back. Guiding him across the floor.
“I will take him up.” A woman’s voice said. Gerard screwed up his face. He didn’t want to be near another woman right now. Cassie’s face still plaguing his mind, though his body was too weak to push her away. Besides, there was something gentle about this woman that comforted him.
“Okay, miss, find out which room he is in from reception.” The bartenders voice called after them.
“I can tell her myself!” Gerard snapped, trying to turn his body to glare at the man. But the woman’s hold was too tight and Gerard didn’t have the strength to fight it. He inhaled her sweet scent and his head drooped against her shoulder.
“So what is it then?” She asked. Guiding him somewhere, though he wasn’t in the right mind to concentrate on where.
“What?” He asked as his head spun.
“Your room number?” She prompted.
“243.” Gerard replied lazily as he heard elevator doors slide open, “floor 7.”
“Right you are.” She said, trying to support his weight. “What is your name?”
“Gerard.” Gerard mumbled. Why did this person care? Then he realised she was probably asking the questions so that he wouldn’t fall unconscious. He grinned to himself and started humming a tune to a song he couldn’t remember the name of. Perhaps it wasn’t a song at all. Who knows?
“Okay, Gerard, my name is Kerry.” The woman answered. Keeping her tone steady, as if she had done this several times before. “How old are you?”
“21.” Gerard answered automatically.
“Why are you here at the hotel?” Kerry asked, trying to keep things conversational, even though it was obvious what she was doing.
“Took my fucking girlfriend here for a fucking holiday, though she isn’t my fucking girlfriend anymore.” Gerard said, still slurring.
“Oh, I see…” Kerry said, comprehension dawning on her.
“Do you?” Gerard asked as the elevator grinded to a halt and they stepped out. Or rather Kerry stepped out and dragged Gerard along with her.
“Unfortunately, yes. Only too well.” Kerry answered.
“Why are you helping me?” Gerard cut in. if he hadn’t been pissed out of his mind he probably wouldn’t have been so rude as to ask.
“Let us just say I have experience in this sort of thing?” Kerry replied, her tone was hard to read.
“What kind of experience?” Gerard asked, again, letting the alcohol interrupt his manners.
Kerry laughed, a humourless laugh, “I won’t bore you with it. Do you have a card key?”
“Pocket.” Gerard said flatly. Gesturing towards his jacket.
He seemed to be too incompetent to get it himself so Kerry took it off him and dug through each pocket.
“How much crap do you have in here?” Kerry asked, pulling out, a pair of sunglasses, food wrappers, a phone, some keys, a few stray coins and a lot of paper and pencils.
“I draw.” Gerard muttered.
“I can see that…” Kerry said. As she finally found the card key she had been looking for. She swiped it through the lock and the door clicked open.
Kerry struggled as she pulled Gerard inside. She managed to haul him over to the bed where he flopped down. Stretching across the soft mattress. Kerry sighed and placed the things that had previously been the contents of Gerard’s pockets, onto the bedside table.
She headed towards the door.
“You’re leaving?” Gerard asked suddenly. He was overcome with a desire for her to stay, though he had no idea why.
“Umm… do you want me to?” Kerry asked, uncertain.
“No!” Gerard said. Shaking his head. Instantly regretting this action as his head started to pound. He reached his hand up to it. “Fuck.”
Kerry walked over and pressed her hand against his chest, forcing him to lie back. “If I am going to stay, you are going to have to rest and take it easy.”
Gerard muttered something incomprehensible. But obeyed and lay down more comfortably.
Kerry shook her own head and brought a chair over to the bedside. She picked up the drawings that lay on the small table and flicked through them.
Gerard watched her silently, trying to ignore the constant buzzing in his ear. He yawned, but did not want to go to sleep. Fascinated by the woman sitting in front of him. Taking her in for the first time. She had long, dark red hair that was naturally straight. She had bright blue eyes that were carefully analysing his drawings.
“They’re good.” She stated, after having looked over them a few times, a note of surprise in her voice. She smiled.
“They’re just doodles…” Gerard mumbled, sleep starting to swarm his body. Though he forced his eyes open.
“Go to sleep, Gerard. I will stay here if you want?” Kerry asked, hardly able to miss Gerard’s dreariness.
Gerard nodded his head dully. Abandoning his attempts to remain in the land of the living, he closed his eyes and drifted off.
Hello everyone! Sorry I couldn't update yesterday, I had guitar and then a D of E meeting. But I have given you this extra long chapter today to keep you occupied :P I hope you enjoyed this, and yes, this is written before Gerard sobers up. God love him that he did :D Thank you for all the support so far, it has been great. Please keep it coming, it motivates me to write more. Thanks xxx GWHTHAVOAA
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