FicWad

I was a little anxious by the time the bell rung for lunch. Lunch time meant going to the cafeteria and cafeteria meant a lot of kids and a lot of kids meant I wouldn't be able to watch out for Diana and that meant my stomach was in knots and that meant a lot of pill taking from the time we left our classroom until we got to the already packed cafeteria.
Frank, Mikey and I payed for out lunches and I steered them to an empty isolated little table.

"Are you gonna help me plan the party?", Mikey took a sip of his juice box and made a face, "Disgusting"

"Sure!," I exclaimed a little too cheerfully, and went back to scan the large area.

"I can help too." Frank took out a note book that saw better days from his back pack and scribbled 'party' at the top of the page, pressing the pen on the thin paper to underline the title, "We need music"

"No problem," Mikey nodded, cautiously studying his plate and poking it for signs of life with his fork, "What about decorations?"

"Yeah that would be cool," Frank smirked, "If we were in 2nd grade!"

"What's wrong with decorations?," Mikey focused his narrowed eyes on Frank instead of his plate, "Themes rock"

"Yeah for a slumber party," Frank muttered to me, receiving a weak smile since I was still on the look out for Diana. I couldn't touch my food...I looked like my head lost a few screws and spun uncontrollably on my neck, I tried to look in all directions, for the first time in my life I hated surprises.
Suddenly I saw her and the world stopped spinning, Frank and Mikey's bickering sounded million miles away, the sun from the big windows fell on her, making her long silky hair shine beautifully. I dropped my fork, immediately ducking under the table after it.
But it wasn't her, from the pathetic position I took under the table I could see her turn to face my direction and it was some other girl I have never seen in my life, I breathed out in relief and surfaced from under the table like a diver coming on the surface. My dive seemed to go unnoticed by Mikey and Frank who now passed on to verbally abuse each other.
I hated myself for being such a coward and refused to look anywhere but at my plate, I just couldn't go on being this pathetic one cell low life creature that feared shadows on the wall at night, I was not Gerard after all.

"Then what makes a good party oh wisest of all," Mikey snapped, waving his plastic fork dangerously at Frank.

"Board games," Frank said without thinking twice, "What do you think, dumbass. Booze and lots of it"

I nodded in agreement, I wanted to drawn my fear in a bottle of the finest vodka they can make...Fuck, finest? I'll take whatever I can take.

"But they won't sell us any," Mikey sighed sadly.

"They'll sell it to your brother," Frank tapped his pen on the table and on the notebook, completing his drumming with his foot under the table. It was quite annoying.

"Gerard?," Mikey shifted in his chair a little, sending a quick glance around the room as though Gerard might materialize upon saying his name 3 times.

"Unless you have another brother," I chuckled at his evident discomfort.

"Isn't he 18?," Frank acquired.

Mikey nodded, sighing greatly, "But he kinda doesn't know about the party"

"What?," Frank gave me a look, "Why?"

"Just cause," Mikey stabbed his food more forcefully, like he's trying to stab the fuck out of whatever it was between him and Gerard, "I'm just hoping he'll find out from someone else and I'll have too many eye witnesses to be cruelly murdered and buried in his room"

"Oh chil man," Frank took a sip of his coke can, "He's a cool guy from what I know"

I couldn't help but chuckle, "Yeah the coolest motherfucker ever"

Frank nodded, believing I meant motherfucker in a good way, "But anyway my cousin can hook us up with a good price"

"Yeah?,"

"Sure dude, trust me," Frank reassured him.

But Mikey shifted again, looking around the room again at the request to trust Frank. I liked Frank, I really did but to trust him and with booze? It's like letting the cat watch the milk. Frank knew some pretty questionable people, and not just from our school, he had quite the reputation all over Belleville.

"Fine," Mikey shrugged, meeting my gaze but there she was. ..
I was sure of it as much as I was sure my name was Viola. The long legs, the smirk, the eyes, the hair, it was her. My worst nightmare, just passing through with another girl behind Mikey.
I dove once again under the table, dropping my fork again before she saw me. I sat on the floor, bent and holding my knees, shaking like I was going through withdrawal.
She was here. In this room. Less then twenty feet away. My scars burned and pricked and my eyes welled up with thick clear curtain of tears.

"You found the fork yet?," Frank and Mikey's faces peeked at me.

I nodded violently, "I just need a moment", I scrambled to my feet and ran through the cafeteria as fast as I could. My steps whispering and laughing at me. She's here she's here she's here she's here she's here you can run but you can't hide because she's here.
I couldn't feel my heart, I was sure it already exploded with the beating and soon I'll die and I wanted nothing then just that. Die and never feel like this ever again.
I ran into the bathroom, out of breathe and panting like mad. It was empty but one girl who brushed her hair in front of the mirror but she left soon after I slid down to the floor with my back against the wall without giving me a second look.
I took my face in my palms and tried to regain control of my breathing and I couldn't. The desperation and the fear and the oxygen avoiding my lungs crashed on me, burying me under the weight.
A hand was laid down on my shoulder as a shadow fell on me, I gasped into my palms, too scared to look up, what if she's here, what if she saw me, what if...

"Viola?," Gerard whispered soothingly, "You're OK?"

I looked up, dumbstruck, "You're in the girls bathroom"

"I know," he looked around cautiously, returning his gaze to me looking concerned, "But you're OK?"

"I'm fine," I took a deep breathe, "Stop stalking me"

"I'm not..," He stammered, "I'm not... I just saw you running and ...I called you"

I felt numb, blood didn't flow, thoughts didn't connect anymore, I couldn't feel anymore, not even the cold tile wall against my bare lower back and it scared me, it all looked too surreal, Gerard in the girls bathroom and me hiding from a bitch like a fucking coward.
I crashed my lips on his in an attempt to wake myself up, I felt alive touching him, fucking him...That's what I needed, him to move in me, to feel something alive against this corpse like cold body.
And at first he resisted a bit but then he gave up fully, allowing me to feed on his feel against me like an hungry vampire, and this what I really was, I was sucking the life out of everyone to keep myself alive. He slammed me against the wall as he pumped into me, moaned as he released, and the the thick mist overtook my body afterwards.
I went limp in his arms, still holding on for dear life.

He kissed me once more after making sure I was gonna go to class after I refreshed a little and I pretended to do so, bitching for him to leave me alone and he did. My freshing up consisted of taking another pill from the bottle in my pocket, I held it up against the light, I almost ran out of them.
I straighted my skirt, I took up on wearing skirts since I couldn't keep my pants up for a long time these days, grew up to be quite a lady, casual sex at 15 in a dirty school bathroom, popping pills like water, spending my nights with some fucker, raiding dad's mini bar. Yeah you couldn't wish for a better daughter.
I waited for the halls to quieten down before walking out just to catch Frank standing next to the door with his back pack on his one shoulder and mine between his legs, "What are you doing here?"

"You forgot your bag," he gave it to me.

"Thanks," I smiled at him, swinging it over my shoulder.

"Um I saw Gerard," he glanced behind me at the bathroom door.

I glanced behind too, mainly to hide the red my cheeks were painted in, "I-"

"It's not my place to judge," he shrugged, "I've done worse shit"

I nodded, not looking up at him.

"I won't tell anyone,"

I nodded again.

"Let's go then," he nudged me to the opposite direction from our next class.

"Where?," I frowned.

"My cousin waits for us, I already called him," he urged me to walk.

"But...But," I really didn't want to meet his cousin, he wasn't the type of person to do charity work...Wait am I really the person to judge anyone? I just had sex in a school bathroom...I'm pretty sure god doesn't approve of that either.