FicWad

Like A Knife Part 6

We walked to the car, as I continued to cry into Brendon’s hoodie, which smelt of coffee, nice dryer sheets and some good cologne. My heart honesty felt like it was going to explode out of my chest (And not in a good way). He opened the back door and helped me in, and slid right next to me. I tried my hardest to stop the tears dripping from my eyes, but everything I did wouldn’t work.

He put his arms around me and hugged me, in a great effort to use comforting words to console my wounded heart.

“Everything’s going to work out, Cammy, you’ll see…” He said, his brown orbs for eyes filled with sympathy.

I tried to compose my self for me and for him, but no matter how much I willed myself to do so, I couldn’t help myself.

“It’s all right to cry,” He told me gently, his voice soft and calm. “It happens.”

So I did. For a long time I had hated crying in front of anyone, including Brendon, and I finally felt like it was okay. He truly was a miracle. After about twenty more minutes of Brendon’s consoling, I got myself together. It was about seven then, and we weren’t exactly up for shopping anymore.

“Okay…To Ryan’s, I guess…” I sighed, sitting in the front seat of his car.

“Are you sure you’re up for it?” Brendon asked sincerely, his full lips curling at the sides just a bit.

“Positive…” I answered, although I was completely unsure of how this might turn out. He happily turned the key in the ignition and started his car, and we began to drive back to our friend’s house. I braced myself for what might have come next.

I turned the radio on to avoid conversation. I didn’t exactly feel like talking, and I thin he caught my drift, as all he did was look at me with sincere eyes in the rear view mirror. I smiled back, and we pulled into Ryan’s long, barren drive way. I silently admired his beautiful, open lawn and perfectly green grass as Brendon pulled up to the garage.

I took a deep breath and readied myself. I went to grab the door handle on his car, but stopped and simply rested it there. I suddenly felt claustrophobic.

“Are you okay?” Brendon questioned, confused.

I was hyperventilating. My breathing got heavy and my chest felt like it was going to tear itself open, so I remained looking at my feet and holding the handle.
“Cammy?” Brendon asked again, clearly wondering what was going on.

Ryan opened the front door to his house. I got really warm and dizzy, and tried to ignore the fact that he was walking right to this side of the car. Ryan approached the door and looked through the open window.

“What’s going on?” He asked, and his voice faded.

And then there was black. I was suspended in time, inside my head, floating as if nothing mattered, as if I cared about nothing. It felt beautiful, almost the most wonderful feeling I had ever thought about, and then it ended with a thud. I was still in my mind, but flashing through harsh memories that made me want to rip the heart from my chest and burn it. They hurt that much.

And the last one, the only one that I knew was coming, finally appeared. And much to my dismay, it was more painful the second time. Tears filled my imaginary eyes, and I listened as Ryan told me he could never love me like that. And then I was awake, lying in his bedroom on his black and white bed spread.

“Cammy? Are you okay?” I heard Brendon ask, his breath warm and sweet on my face.

I lifted myself to my elbows. “Yes…” I sighed upon looking at Ryan’s huge, brown eyes that I couldn’t possibly live without.

“I should probably be getting home now…” Brendon said nervously.

No, don’t leave me alone, I thought to myself.

“Bye, Cammy. Bye, Ry. See you guys later,” He said, slowly walking himself out of the room. Then we were alone.

The next minute or two was an awkward silence. I waited for something to happen, anything to happen, and I had a strange feeling he was waiting for the same thing. I finally made eye contact with one of the only two pairs of eyes that could melt my heart and freeze it at the same time.

“Listen, Cammy…” He finally began, completely nervous. “I never meant to…I know that you…I just…” He stuttered, looking for the correct way to put his words in a sentence that wouldn’t hurt me.

“I know,” I answered, a small smile escaping my face. I gushed at the smile that he returned, the one that I waited so long to see, the one that I longed to call my own.

“It’s just…Keltie, and I don’t want to…” He tried once again, still not able to find the right words to use.

“I know,” I repeated, a little less sadly.

“You’re one of my best friends,” He informed me, an embarrassed look on his perfect face. “I would never try to hurt you. I swear,” He assured me. I blushed.

“I know…” I trailed off, realizing just how stupid I must have sounded repeating the same thing over and over again. “But you did hurt me, Ry. I know you didn’t mean it, but as much as I keep telling myself that, there’s always going to be a part of me that wishes we were…” And I stopped myself, just to be safe.

I looked at him with loving eyes.

I could have sworn that I saw a glimpse of love escape his, too.

But fairytales don’t always have happy endings.

And these thoughts stabbed and drew blood from my feelings like a knife.