FicWad

I was late.

I was always late.

But I knew he would wait for me.

At that moment I wished he would walk away.

Wish he would get tired of waiting for me.

So I didn’t have to do what I was about to do.

The angry words of my father were still ringing in my ears.

“You better ditch the boy! Or else I’ll beat him so he can’t walk!”

I didn’t doubt those words.

The place where my father had hit me before I’d left was aching slightly, making the words more vivid in my mind.

I stopped walking for a moment.

Clamping my eyes shut, I tried to imagine that he would get over me.

That the words I was about to speak wouldn’t cut him up into little pieces.

I couldn’t imagine it.

When I opened my eyes, it was snowing. I held my hand out and the soft flakes landed on my hand. They melted slowly and left a small drop of water behind.

The water could never be as beautiful as the snow.

I hoped that he wouldn’t melt when I said the words.

I didn’t want him to turn into a less beautiful, broken down version of himself.

For he was the most beautiful person I had ever seen.

I sighed to myself as I walked a little further; I wasn’t ready to do this.

I wasn’t ready to break a heart.

I bit my lip and contemplated turning around.

I was just about too when I heard the sound of someone running on snow.

It was him.

It was my love.

He was the most special person in the world to me, and I had to break him.

I had to break his heart.

I raised my hand, hoping that he wouldn’t come closer.

I didn’t want to have to see his face.

I didn’t want to watch his beautiful features crumple as I jab him with my words.

Luckily, he slowed to a halt a little way away from me. I sighed with relief.

I took a deep breath. I knew my voice wouldn’t hold steady as I spoke the words.

“Brendon…” As I spoke, I listened to my voice. It sounded sad, because I was sad. I was so, so, so sad and angry. At my father and myself. Why was I so fragile? I could’ve stood up to him, told him no. He could’ve stayed out of my business.

“I never want to see you again. Don’t ever talk to me again.” I spat out the words, I tried to sound convincing. I think I sounded too convincing.

I sounded cruel.

I watched him very carefully, studying his every move.

The snow slowed.

I could see his face. But I realised…

He couldn’t see me.

His eyes had gone blank.

His face was deathly white.

His features were contorted into a pained expression; he held his chest like his heart had exploded.

I suddenly felt very alone.

I felt our bond cut.

Our connection.

A splintering feeling erupted in my chest.

Alone…

I felt like I was falling into a dark, bottomless pit. Where all my nightmares were waiting to swallow me up.

My eyes widened as I felt myself cut off from the feelings of hurt, anger, and sadness.

I was protecting myself from all those emotions.

I was reverting back to my old indifference.

I felt completley sick. My head was spinning. My breath shortened.

I watched in horror as Brendon collapsed on the floor.

I felt weak at the knees and fell sharply down. I raised my head to look at Brendon.

Slowly, and with purpose, I crawled over to him.

I wrapped my arms around him and stood up.

My vision faded slightly.

I shook my head to clear it.

As quickly as I could, I made my way to Brendon’s house. Where I laid him on the doorstep.

I reached a hand out to touch him.

He felt cold. Colder than the snow.

I held my head in my hands and concentrated on not being sick.

The snow felt colder than it had. The night was blacker than it had been.

I felt completely alone. I could feel Brendon beside me, but I was alone.

My whole being felt dead, though I could hear my heart beating.

I felt my heart wrench inside my chest. I could feel it splintering, splitting off into so many pieces that embedded themselves inside my soul.

I wasn’t sure what was happening.

But I had a good idea.

I was experiencing a breaking heart.

I slowly stood up. Rang the bell and quickly walked away into the pitch-black night.

I felt like a monster.

That night, the last thing I saw as I went to sleep was a picture.

The image of Brendon’s face as I broke his heart.

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1 year later…

I did try.

I did try to kill myself.

The first night I had without him was too much.

Too much.

I was alone.

Alone…

My father was out, drinking as usual.

I didn’t know what to do.

I also tried at school.

To speak to Brendon.

But he wasn’t there for a month of school.

By the time he got back…I had become empty.

Not indifferent, as I had expected. For I could feel things when I was like that.

But I was empty.

I couldn’t even look at him. If I did look at him, a wave of unhappiness would wash over me and tear me apart all over again.

I had made him melt.

His face was almost permanently sad. He was still lovely. But he wasn’t Brendon.

He couldn’t smile the way my Brendon had smiled.

He wasn’t the Brendon I had fallen in love with…

It was my fault.

I had ruined him.

Ruined everything.

This was why I was afraid to fall in love.

Words.

Just simple words had the power to ruin somebody so perfect, so beautiful as him.

All his inner life had been drained the night I had said those words.

His inner life had melted like the snow.

Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to his house that night.

I should’ve found a bench to sleep on.

If I told myself that I regret going to his house.

It would be a lie.

All the amazing things we’d done together, they were all worth this heartbreak.

If I knew I was going to break his heart though, I wouldn’t have gone.

My father wasn’t improving his drinking problem.

One night, I got back from school.

It was really bad.

He yelled and yelled at me about Brendon.

“You didn’t dump him did ‘ya?” He slurred loudly at me.

“I did.” I replied shortly.

“Well, did you tell ‘im you hate ‘im?” He asked me.

“Words to that effect, yes.” I answered. I was having trouble keeping my voice calm.

“Why don’t you go fucking hit ‘im?” He yelled at me. Where did that come from? I didn’t understand his thinking.

“I’ve already broken his fucking heart dad! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?” I yelled at him. I felt the splinters of my heart wriggle themselves free from my insides, pull back and then slam back into my soul.

“DON’T YOU YELL AT ME!”

“DO YOU THINK I CARE?” I screamed at him.

Mistake.

I watched in horror as his fist rose up behind his head.

I was frozen.

I couldn’t move.

His fist came crashing down on my chest.

Again…

And again…

The third time I heard a slight crunch as he hit my ribs.

“STOP IT DAD! STOP IT!” I yelled at him. Begging him to stop.

His fist rose again.

This time I shielded my chest from any harm.

My father smirked at me.

The last thing I saw that day was a fist racing towards my eye.

Then everything went black.

I missed two days of school because of that.

My eye went a perfect purple colour.

I saw Brendon looking at me during class.

His expression looked like he wanted to say something to me.

I mentally willed him to.

Please…say anything…ANYTHING…

He didn’t say anything to me…


The next time I saw his house was a weekend.

I had gotten a card for him.

It was a sorry card.

I glanced outside his door and at his drive. There was a moving van.

I had to hurry.

I quickly walked up the steps to his house.

I knocked lightly on the door.

I heard someone yell…

“I’LL GET IT!” In a cheery voice.

The door began to open and I forced a smile onto my face.

The person who opened the door was a boy.

The most beautiful boy I’d ever seen.

The boy who’s heart I broke.

I looked into his eyes and felt my eyes begin to water.

There he was.

Real.

Alive.

The most beautiful person on the planet.

My love.

My Brendon Urie.