FicWad

Gerard sat down in the plastic chair cursing silently. It was almost noon and he still hadn’t been able to get a flight. At lease he was guaranteed a seat on the next flight to New York, which would leave in an hour. He pulled out his cell knowing he needed to call Monica. She would be worried and he hated that he hadn’t already called her. It was just that he was so afraid to call home. He was afraid that he would hear that something had happened to Liv. Fate could be so cruel at times. It was his darkest fear she wouldn’t be waiting to talk to him when he finally did arrive home. He took a deep breath trying to steady his nerves and punched Monica’s number.
“Hey, Gee.” She answered almost immediately, “Since you’re calling I guess you haven’t gotten a flight yet?”
“Not yet.” He said sadly, “How are things at home?”
Monica understood what he was feeling. “Liv is waiting for you, Gee.” She said softly. She smiled to Christa and stood to walk out onto the patio so she could talk privately.
“I love you.” Gerard said suddenly.
Monica sighed, “I know and you don’t have to say it every time we talk about Liv.”
“That’s not why I said it.” He told her even though he knew it was a lie.
“I’m really okay with all of this.” Monica told him not bothering to call him on the lie. “Stop worrying about me.”
Gerard looked around the crowded airport suddenly feeling terribly alone. “Everyone needs to stop worrying about me. I’m really handling this okay.”
Monica thought back to the video of last night’s concert. “We all understand how brutal this is for you.” She said softly.
“I couldn’t sing “Cancer” last night.” He hadn’t meant to tell here but for some reason he couldn’t help himself. “I just couldn’t. I let the band down.”
Monica shook her head sadly, “You didn’t let anyone down. Ray did fine singing the song.”
“Fuck, you already knew.” He said sounding surprised, “How?”
Monica looked out across the lawn trying not to let her true feeling be heard in her voice, “Footage on YouTube.”
“I’m such a fucking pansy sometimes.” He replied angrily. “It’s just a fucking song.”
“A song that now has a lot of meaning for you.” Monica reminded him gently, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“Yeah, well I should be hard on myself. She’s just an ex-girlfriend for Christ’s sake.”
Monica was surprised by his words, “Liv is a part of your life. You two have a daughter. Of course this is brutal for you. Don’t try to hide your feelings or try to discount them. I don’t want you to. Your friends don’t want you to.”
“I’m not so sure about that. I’m sure a lot of people wish I could just put the past behind me.”
“Just stop it. We all know what Liv means to you.” Monica’s closed her eyes and steadied her voice, “I know what she means to you.”
He heard the pain in her voice and hated himself for causing the emotion. “She will never mean as much to me as you do.” He said softly. “This I truly mean.”
Monica wanted to believe his words with all her heart. She wanted to yet part of her still held too much fear. He was her life and she had convinced herself for so long that she was truly his. Now things felt different.
“Monica?” Gerard whispered her name.
“Yes?”
Gerard gripped his phone tighter, “You don’t believe me and I’m so fucking sorry for that.”
Tears filled her eyes, “I’ll see you tonight.” She closed he phone not able to hold back her tears any longer.

“She out on the patio.” Christa whispered to Alicia. “I’m not sure what is going on but I saw her disconnect her phone a few minutes ago.”
Alicia had come over to talk to Christa about her worries concerning Monica. She’s been surprised when she learned that she and Elle were here. “I’m gonna go talk to her.” Christa nodded and watched as Alicia walked out to where Monica stood.
“Monica?”
Monica turned to her, “I’m trying so hard to be understanding.” She sobbed.
Alicia quickly put her arms around her. “Hey, it’s okay. You are being more understanding than I ever could be.”
Monica began to sob. She was tired of trying to keep her emotions bottled up inside. “He still loves her so much.”
Alicia rocked her back and forth, “He’s in love with the idea he has of her in his head. That one great love that left him. Shit, he’s completely forgotten all the bad times all the hurt she caused him.”
“He’ll always love her more than me.” Monica finally just said the words she’d been hiding. The words she’s hated.
“No, that’s not true.” Alicia stepped back and took Monica by the shoulder, “Look at me. Don’t think that way. Gee, loves you probably more than he could ever realize. He’s just in love with a fucking fake memory.”
Monica shook her head, “I can’t compete with that memory.”
“Then don’t even try. He loves you. Don’t forget that. Think of all the things you two have been through. You and he have a love that a lot of people never find. He knows that deep down. He’s just confused and torn right now.”
Monica wiped her eyes, “I hope you’re right. I love him so much.”
Alicia nodded, “And he loves you. He has no idea how fucking lucky he is to have you.”
“Is it wrong that I just want this all to be over? Am I a horrible person for wanting that?”
“No, your not a horrible person for wanted the inevitable to happen. Liv is in pain and I know how much you care about her. What you’ve already done for her is more than I could ever have done for Mikey.”
“I just want our life back the way it was.” Monica whispered. “I want to be the woman he loves with all his heart.”

Kara snuck out of her class and found an empty hallway to make her call. “Bob I love you.” She said as soon as he answered.
“Hey, what’s wrong?’ he moved away from the table where he’d been sitting with Ray.
“I’m just so fucking worried about Mom.” She admitted. “I’m worried she’s gonna get her heart broken into a million pieces.”
Bob understood. “Hun, Gee loves your mom very much. You just have to believe that.”
Kara leaned against the lockers; “I’m staying at Donna’s tonight. I can’t be there when he gets home.”
“He’s just going to talk to her and tell her goodbye.” Bob reminded her.
“But will it really be goodbye? Is he ever really going to be over her?”
He wasn’t sure how to answer. It was a question he’d asked himself. “Your mom’s love for him will make that happen. The love they share will make that happen.”
Kara wanted to believe he was right. “I hope so.” She whispered.
“Where are you, Hun?” He asked.
“Skipped class. I needed to hear your voice. It always makes me feel better.”
He smiled, “I feel the same way, Mrs. Bryar.”
“I wish you were here. No, wait. I wish I was there with you. Away from all of this.”
“Me too.” Bob said, “Me too.”

Monica ended up staying most of the afternoon at Christa’s. The love and support she received from her two friends was very much needed. It was almost dinnertime when she left Donna’s after visiting with Kelly and Kara. It had been so hard to leave them and Elle. Now as she pulled into the driveway she suddenly felt the stress and emotions of the day hit her once again. She leaned her head against the steering wheel and closed her eyes. The car door opening shocked her and she sat up quickly.
Bert didn’t say a word. He simply helped her out of the car and engulfed her in a tight hug. Monica was afraid. “Is it Liv?”
“She’s sleeping.” He said softly. “Come on inside.”
Monica felt embarrassed by her show of weakness. “I’m okay.” She said as he walked with his arm around her shoulders towards the house.
“You’re not okay. How the fuck could you be?” He said sadly.
Monica tried to downplay her emotions, “I’m just tired.”
Bert stopped walking and turned her to face him, “Don’t lie to me. You’re the best person I’ve ever known and that’s one of the reasons I hate it when you lie. You have every right to be upset. You have every right to what you’re feeling.”
Monica looked into his eyes, “What am I feeling, Bert?”
“Uncertainly, pain, anger, and sorrow. Am I right?’
She nodded slowly.
“Monica I’ve known him for a long time. He loves you. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at you. I hear it in his voice. Don’t doubt that love.”
“I’m trying not to.” She admitted looking away. “I’m really trying not to.”